You're Not off When You're a MOM - Right?

I think that you are an extremely judging person from the sounds of this email. Seems to me that you have no idea what it is like to have an illness that causes you pain and discomfort. Until you can fully understand what that is like I think it is wrong for you to judge her or her family. I personally have Fibromyalgia and am in pain all the time, so I understand where she is coming from. I work through my pain all the time, but not everyone has that kind of will power. I think you really need to think about this from that point of view. Sounds to me like she is going through a lot of issues and you are being extremely mean by judging someone for something you know nothing about. No I don't believe we are ever really off, but you have to realize that sometimes people with disabilities and pain issues need down time. Try living one day in her life of pain and obesity and see how you like it. I just think you really need to stop and think about this a little more. I would hate it if I had someone judging me like you are. Just my opinion.

She'd crawl under my skin too. What does she do all day?? Poor guy. She's lucky he comes home every night.

She's lazy and nasty! What will she do if he leave with the kids. She sit home all day and do nothing. He's going to get tired of that. Tell him to have a talk with her. If she's off when he come home. Maybe she needs to do something when he comes home and work. Be off before he comes home. And work when he's home. That marriage not going to last. It won't be his fault. She's luck he comes home in the evening. If she's fat. She's eating! If the two of you is friends. Maybe you can talk to her.

Harsh answer...
It doesn't matter what she does in her personal life! If she is "off" and her husband is okay with it....why does it bother you? If her husband wants to take care of the kids and step in with the household help...no business of yours.
Don't help. You wouldn't be doing it with a loving heart....or if you do help think of helping the husband, maybe then you wouldn't be so bitter about it.
You don't know if she is facing any other sicknesses, her kids are still young, she could have PPD or any other number of things and it's not your place to judge. Wouldn't you hate it if people were looking at your mothering skills and thinking that you were messing up left and right, or that you are not a good housekeeper, or that you are a horrible cook? Whatever works for YOUR family and whatever works for HERS.
L.

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I'm a single mom with a full time job, when I leave work at five...I always say..."I'm off to my second job". Basically we're mothers ...we're on call 24/7. I also deal with health issues (Fibromyalgia) but I keep going for my daughter. Don't NOT help because you think she's being lazy, think of it as doing something for the kids, who in this case have no choice who their mother is. It sounds like her behavior doesn't need any encouraging, so just maybe try and be there for the kids. I don't doubt that she is suffering a lot from health issues, and I know from experience that it is hard to find the will and energy when your body feels so beat down. I know that some days I am so fatigued and weak and in pain that it is hard for me to climb stairs, but I do push myself to provide a clean home for my daughter. Just my two cents. :)

Sounds like there's a lot of resentment here...is this your ex's wife or something?

Anyway, to answer your question, I don't know about being "OFF", but I do expect my DH to be actively involved when he gets home. So to answer your question, I don't think I'm off, instead I think of it more as "tag teaming". Sometimes he watches the kids so I can get to the store, or I give baths while he starts reading bedtime stories.

And I definitely get my nights "OFF" to go out with friends, just like he does. And I do truly think of it as leaving my "Mommy hat" at home while I go out. I think going out and being "OFF" in that respects helps save our sanity.

As far as this issue with the Mom in question, it sounds to me like that is how THEY decided things would work when Dad gets home from work. Maybe it works for them.

Although it drives you crazy, it doesn't sound like it's really your problem to deal with. I understand that you're allowed to have your opinions, but since you don't agree with their arrangement, I'd butt out. Let them deal with their own house cleaning, shopping, etc.

If it is in fact your ex husband and you have any concerns about the cleaning or safety of the children, then you may have to have a discussion about it with him. Then it's his job to address your concerns. (I'm only asking about if he's your ex since you mentioned your kids don't like going over there.) If it's just a neighbor, then your kids don't have to go over to their house.

I hope this helps you.

Well, I agree as Mom's we are never "off" but I also think that there may be many sides to this story. While I don't think it's an excuse, she is probably depressed and feels very little of herself. I would say in this case you have two choices- step away and let her husband speak up or try to be the best friend/family you can by lifting her up and leading by example. Have you tried to connect with her to find out why she has so little motivation? As far as it being so messy that your kids don't want to go over there- maybe you could step in and offer to help clean up and show your kids that sometimes it can make a difference to lend a hand. Without stepping into her shoes- it's pretty hard to know what she is going through- if she is really in pain she probably feels bad that she cannot do all she'd like to for her kids and different people handle depression differently. So before you just label her- maybe try to help her and be her friend.

I'm a stay at home mom and I have one day a week where I'm "OFF."

Every Monday I get to sleep in, do whatever I want for the day, etc and hubby takes care of everything. I hope that doesn't make me a bad parent...but even SAHMs need a break.

As far as this woman's house not being clean, etc. Is it really that bad? You said it was messy...then you said it was gross, and your kids don't like going over there. My house is messy...it's because we live in it. There are papers laying around and *gasp* dishes in the sink. I don't get to things right away because sometimes I'm tired, or I've been playing with the kids or something else.

What is this woman's relationship to you? If your kids don't like going over there, then don't send them and if you hate this woman and her behavior so much then quit associating with her. You say the kids are cooped up all day: We live in SA too...and it's hot out there! My kids don't get out as much as I'm sure they'd like to! It takes a lot out of a person to go outside when the temp+heat index is over 110.

I say you need to stay away from this woman and her husband. It works for them. If he were unhappy he would have a conversation with her and deal with it. It's really none of your business.

Well... I don't know what I don't know, but my sister has RA among other issues and when she is coming up on her next medicine dose (shot once a week) she is in pain. However that never stopped her from keeping her house clean. The fact that she is obese may be more fo an issue - in that she spends her energy during the day on the kids and does not have enough energy to clean. Taking care of children is a full time job and she may need a break at the end of her full day of work as well.

On the other hand if she is just being lazy then there is no excuse- However judge not lest ye be judged - you do not know what goes on there during the day and neither do I. IF the husband is not complaing then it is not your place to either.

If you are that concerned, buy them the gift of a maid service to come in once a week to do the heavy cleaning.

Also providing helathy means that can be easily defrosted / warmed would not be a bad idea, but you want to make sure that they know what is in it because diabetics have to closely watch what they eat.

And one last thought - she could simply be overwhelmed and might want help or a shoulder to cry on but does not know whow to ask.

I will say a prayer for all of you - God bless

Hmmm, sounds like what most working moms do; why is it different because he's a man? I work full time and am the primary caregiver for my kids when I'm not working because DH commutes & travels for work. When he's home he does bedtime, and then I'm 'off', but until then I'm 'on' - which realistically can be days or weeks at a time.

This sounds like my brother & sil, except she has no medical issues. We don't visit anymore because the house is so gross I won't go to the bathroom there. It bothered me immensely for years, then I realized this is the woman and life he chose. If it bothered him he would do something about it, but he seems perfectly content with the status quo; so I butted out. You can't change her, you can't change him, if it works for them so be it. If your kids don't want to go over there meet them in a public place or have them over to your house.

Staying at home with the kiddos all day is a job too - and I'm sure her health issues don't make it any easier. So, they are both working. But I agree with you, neither parent (mother or father) is ever off. Just like every relationship, there are times where one person gives more or takes more, but in the end it should be 50/50.

I feel really bad for your friend, he must be a saint to put up with that!

If her husband is ok with her behavior, there is nothing you can do. Its up to him to change this, he has to stand up for himself. I, personally, feel that if you are a SAHM the house and kids are your job. Now that does not mean that hubby should not pitch in after he gets home, he absolutely should help out. But I would never tell my husband that I am "off" after he gets home. Just as my husband would never tell me that he is "off". Its a partnership. But that is how it works in our home. Every home is different, and every marraige has a different dynamic. If this arrangement is working for them, then I would just let it be. To each their own. Good luck, and if you feel like helping out with a meal or two, go for it. Its always a good idea to be kind to someone else!

I personally go off-duty when my husband comes home, too. My house is not always clean (let's face it, my priority is my kids), dinner is usually on the table, and I get an hour or so where my husband is responsible for the baby before I go back on duty to help with bedtime. I don't think my situation is the same as what you describe, but I don't have any problems with a mom going off duty for a little while. I work just as hard as my husband does during the day, but I don't get a lunch break or down-time between calls, so I think I'm entitled to an hour or so of down time when he comes home. He agrees with me and doesn't feel like he is being used or get a raw deal, which I'm sure also makes a difference.

P.S. I'm also "off duty" for about an hour in the mornings, because I handle the middle of the night and so I get to sleep in. My husband is wonderfully equal about these things and very supportive. I'm not sure I can advise you about your specific situation. It sounds like the mother is lazy and in pain, which just reinforces her laziness. But of course a mom can go off duty for a little while if she has those who support her (and as long as Daddy gets some off time too, of course).

I don't know this can go either way. If she is home all day with kids that young, yes it is a job and she does require a break once someone gets home to relieve her of the kids. Both me and my husband work full-time and when we get home he expects to not have to do anything, help with our son, cook, clean nothing and I told him no no, I'm not having that; this is not the old days I am not your mom and we both work. The day you can support the household completely and I don't have to work at all, will be the day I take care of the kids and house all by myself; until then get a grip buddy.

You're brave for asking this question and opening what could be a can of worms.

My only experiences with not being a working mom were when I was on Maternity Leave and when I was laid off for 12 weeks last summer. We also had 5 months (though I worked full time) when I went through Chemo and my husband had to fill both parental roles much of the time).

That being said. We have a neighbor whose husband lets her walk all over him. She's a SAHM, he's working 45 minutes away. The minute he comes home, she's out the door doing what she wants. She often takes 4 day weekends requiring him to take time off of work.

When I was briefly home with my kids, it was really tough. I couldn't get the things done I wanted to because my kids were at a really needy age (1 and 3 last summer). It was a relief when my husband came home, but it only took a few days to realize that all the stress I had at home with them was the same he had dealing with his job.

I don't have RA or Diabetes. The diabetes really shouldn't be an issue if her glucose is under control. I'm guessing it's not. The RA, when it flairs-up, can be extremely debilitating. My guess is there's underlying Depression as well.

Thanks for your last statement. I may be a working mom which, in some people's opinions, makes me less of a dedicated mother (I disagree). But, I accept all the sacrifices that come with wanting to be a mom. Nothing in my life is more important to me.

Having dealt with the possibility of losing my life to cancer when my children were babies, I can honestly say that I'll take the sacrifice of children and their stress over the alternative.

I wouldn't judge, you can't tell how sick/able someone is just by looking. And if she has one autoimmune disorder, she could have another.

For example, hypothyroidism can cause inappropriate weight gain, depression, and fatigue, and is estimated to affect 1 in 10 adults. http://www.aace.com/public/awareness/tam/2003/

I found staying home full time with an infant and a toddler very challenging, and definitely appreciated some time "off". Even though I wasn't dealing with any debilitating health conditions at the time.

i can understand wanting some time to myself. but my young kids both go to bed around eight. so that is my time off. we do things differently than what you have described this couple doing. really she just sounds lazy. it remindes me of a couple i know. after being on the outside looking in it seems like the male figure likes to help her, feel needed, and be depended on. while the female figure likes to have him as her crutch, shadow almost. its really unhealthy but its really not my place to tell them so. its gotten so bad the woman wont go to the grocery store by herself, she is scared to drive, or go anywhere with out him. its really mean in my opnion for the husband to allow herself to be self crippled like that.

Being a stay home mother is the hardest job I have ever had! It's never easy to take care of children, cook, and keep a house clean. FYI having Rheumatoid Arthritis and Diabetes are bad combination. With both illnesses you constantly hurt and it can lead to depression. You mention that she is also obese well that just adds to her list of diagnosis. I bet she suffers from depression as well. I'm not a Doctor but a Nurse and have dealt with both RA and Diabetes. Patients are in constant pain, even when taking their meds. If she is your friend help in anyway you can. Please don't be so hard on her. You would have to be in her shoes to know exactly what she is going through.

The best of luck to you!

You're right, but you can't change laziness. Especially if she is obese with the mentioned diseases, it may be harder on her. Instead, suggest she lose weight. She may be able to get rid of her Diabetes and Arthritis. Although I don't know much about Rheumatoid Arthritis, it can't be good for her that she is obese. However, neither of these issues constitute the right to say you're off when Dad gets home. The only time you're off from your children are when they turn 18 and I'm sure some parents will even say they weren't even off then. In saying all this, you can't change her. Helping out will encourage her laziness more, but helping the husband will be a big help to him. Sometime bad comes with good, you just have to weigh the consequences. Just don't do anything that will put yourself out.

I don't believe that you are "off" as a Mom or a Dad. From your post it sounds like Mom thinks she's "off" 24/7 and Dad is there to do it all. Without knowing these people myself, it's hard to tell what's really going on every day. What does she REALLY do all day, and does her health issues REALLY keep her from helping out around the house?

Obviously the husband is letting her get away with this behavior. Have you tried talking to him to find out more about why she doesn't seem to help out? He may be enabling her to "sit around all day" (if that's what she does) because he thinks her health issues are more severe than they really are. Perhaps she needs to be seeing a doctor or counselor to help get her on the right track so that she is more able (physically & mentally) to help out. If you/he could get her to learn to help out more, maybe you could help out in the beginning by helping with cleaning & cooking to get her started?

Basically I would start with the husband and see how he feels about their situation & whether he is unhappy with it.

Man, where'd she find that guy!! I would be floored if my dude carted both kids to the store, or went to the store!!:D But he does work super hard for us, so it's all good! I think there has to be balance and that mom does need some time off and to herself but that expecting to do nothing after the man gets home is unfair. To me it sounds like either she is depressed and not feeling good or has some mental stuff going on. I think I would stay out of it and let them work this out on their own. You don't want to get sucked into someone else's drama and maybe things have to come to a boiling point to get fixed. I feel for the kids, but they are her kids and dad might just need to man up and if you get in there and fix the probs he might not see that he needs to set things right. Good luck!!!

Sounds like laziness to me. However, what is causing this laziness? Is she depressed (because it sounds like she has several issues in her life that are bringing her down). However, these are her challenges and it is only she that can do something about it. The first thing that would help her is weight loss. This would help her arthritis and diabetes...not to mention, make her feel great about herself again and have a sense of accomplishment. Most of the overweight people in my life drink sodas all day long and eat fast food a little too often. If she can simply cut out sodas for an entire year (or caloric drinks), I can almost guarantee she will lose a significant amount of weight. If she's willing to go the extra mile and give up fast food, it will shed even faster. She is in a serious rut and needs to snap out of it for the sake of her kids, relationship and herself. If she's not willing to do anything about it, I think her husband needs to be frank with her. No, you are not "off" once your husband is home from work. At that point, you should be working half time. It is true, being a stay at home mom to very young children is extremely exhausting and hard (I'm living it too). However, what is she doing all day long? Being a stay at home mom includes challenging and entertaining your children, going to the store, preparing healthy meals, cleaning, laundry, and as most of you know, the list goes on and on! How close are you two? Are you close enough to tell her these things? Someone needs to encourage her in a positive way and her husband needs to say no. Although, he of course, is expected to help once he's home. He should encourage her to have a schedule and they should write it out and post it on the refrigerator. She needs a plan going forward. Just one step at a time, start with asking her to prepare a healthy meal every single night and removing all sugary drinks from the house. If she's at a loss where to start, they should sit down together, get on www.allrecipes.com and print out some easy recipes. As for the grocery, they can work that out and maybe one of them can go (w/o kids!) on the weekend. Then, after about 2 weeks to a month of this, add in something else. Maybe a cleaning schedule; only 15 minutes a day. All toilets one day, dusting the entire house the next, vacuuming the next, bathtubs, empty trash cans, wipe down all counter tops and mirrors the next, mopping....you get the picture. ...with a break on the weekends. If she can get this far, my guess is that she will start to feel so much better about herself. The issue is, how do you message this to the husband? Hopefully you are close. He's going to have to step up and be firm. Let her know he is not going to accept this behavior anymore but he will be supportive and help her get back on track. Lastly, she is only 44 years old. If she continues like this, she is going to be bed bound or in a wheel chair. It is her responsibility to stay healthy (emotionally and physically) for the sake of her family, so she will be around for many years to come. A lot of people want children so badly (I think many do it because it's the "thing to do"). Then, they aren't willing to do the work because raising children is extremely hard and exhausting. I know I wasn't quite prepared for all of this; but you just have to do it.

I think she should be off for a bit because everyone needs a break but that sounds ridiculous!

I bet you are frustrated, I got irratated reading about her. Unfortunatly the kids are the only ones that are suffering! Your gonna have to somehow put her out of your decisions and help anyway for the kids sake. I have a feeling thats why the husband does what he does, he is probably thinking of them. She sounds selfish , unless both my legs and arms are gone, I will live in a clean house and my family will always come first! Prayer will help too. good luck, and try to keep the kids first!

It's a lifetime job because even when the become adults they are on our hearts and keep us on our knees praying for them. Not to be judgemental, but it would seem a little exercise, i.e. cleaning, would help with the diabetes. Exercise is certainly one doctors recommend for people with it. Man, she is blessed to have a husband who does all that. I would feel ashamed if my husband worked all day and came home continuing to work and I was at home all day.

she needs a scare, the children can be removed if the house is not safe for them and she needs to know this, the raising of children is not always a one person job, and this is one time it is not. She can do things and had better or she will be the cause of the problems that come up. He can take the kids and go someplace else and with help (day care) have a clean house and a safe one, she also need to know this. She then would be on her own.... Her Dr. needs to know that she is doing this, she may also be going through some depression and need some medication for the pain and depression have the husband tell her Dr. what is going on and have him tell her the fact of what can happen in her life if she keeps this up.

well i cant read the other responses but i am dealing with a similar situation. I too feel that a other is never off and now just having a second child its kind of a hard adjustment! But anyhow its seems that this mom you are speaking of of some other underlying issues. I just got into this with my mother. She adopted my niece and nephew about 7 years ago. She has MS and had it at the time she adopted them., so she knew what she was getting into. The kids are 13 and 11. For the last few years she has set back and barked orders at them all while sitting in her chair. She rarely gets up. So the other day while at her house I had to be opened and honest and I told her what I thought. She cried. But I did it with out of love, I told her that it hurts me to see her this way and I told her that I want to help her to help her self. so maybe you could ask your SIL what you could so to help. she may not even want your help but by doing so it lets her know that she is not alone. Oh also while talking with my mom she told that she is in so much pain that she is jsut waiting to die! So maybe your SIL is stuggling with that too and doesn't know where to start. Good luck and I dont feel you are being judgemental....i think you are just looking out for everyone involved! Good luck and God Bless!

Having struggled with recent health problems myself, this woman may be in depression if she is not following a "normal" life. There really is nothing you can do for her except to talk to her hubs and see if he can get her into a doctor.

Rhumatoid arthritis is VERY pain painful and very difficult to manage. Her weight is NOT helping matters.

Off? What is that? I agree with the depression thing & she probably needs to see someone. Obesity and RA combined with Diabetes, it's no wonder she doesn't want to move because her parts hurt! It is no excuse but it sounds like one big vicious circle. Her husband has to be the one to ask her to do some soul searching. No one else has the right. With all of her health problems, it sounds as if she won't LIVE to see her kids grow up. Maybe her husband can use that in his argument for change. cb