Would You Let Her Go?

what is a 10 year old doing Algebra??? Sorry - but that's a HUGE subject for a TEN YEAR OLD...I'd get frustrated too...I might even, as an adult, tell you to get stuffed.

I think the punishment needs to fit the crime and 2 weeks punishment is overboard.

Get her a tutor. STOP the madness. Use The Khan Academy on-line - but damn - stop forcing a 10 year old to do Algebra. Give her a freaking break.

Grounded for two weeks does NOT fit the crime.

I would let her go since it is the end of the two weeks. I would also consider a tutor to help her with math. My daughter and I butt heads a lot doing her math so we get outside help.

Wild Woman, they start pre-algebra in first and second grades now. It's no wonder kids are so stressed out all the time. I don't think they get time to just be kids, they are pushed to grow up so fast.

I second Theresa's answer. My son had some big homework meltdowns (he's seven) and taking me out of the picture helped considerably. He's in direct communication with the teacher now (the teacher's suggestion) and it's like a miracle has occurred.

I also think that there is something very real about saying "I was wrong" or "I made a mistake". Personally, for a ten year old, two weeks grounding for being rude is very long and makes less of an impact than teaching her how to make amends in her relationships. If it were me, I'd tell her that she can earn back her liberty when she can express to you (in a letter) why it was a problem for her to be rude and lash out like that when you were, for all intents and purposes, trying to help. Sort of meeting in the middle "I overreacted AND you were very disrespectful and it's a life problem if you treat people this way." We want our kids to learn not just that they respect us and other adults, but also why we have to handle ourselves better when we are frustrated or disappointed. Grounding doesn't teach that. Problem-solving (what can I do when I feel like this next time?) will.

If the party is happening after her grounding is finished then sure she can go.
If the party is happening before her grounding is finished then no she can't go.
That's what grounding means.
Maybe that will give her something to think about the next time she decides to get mouthy.
She shot her mouth off - she did this to herself - missing a party is natural consequences.

The problem here (beyond her not appreciating your helping her with her homework (get her a tutor by the way)) is the total lack of respect for you.
I demand, expect and WILL have respect.

Personally, if our son EVER told me to 'shut up and get stuffed' - there would be HELL to pay and it would be for longer than 2 weeks.
Possibly a month but not longer.
And his Dad would be all over him for talking to either of us like that - Dad would very likely be angrier than I would be over it and I'd be LIVID.

Yeah, I'd let her go. I'd also lay off "helping" her with her homework from now on, it's not working. I'd tell her at this point she needs to approach her teacher herself, stay after, ask if there's a study group, work on it with a gf who gets it, or some such thing.

I had an easily frustrated kid like this, too. When I backed off, he figured the damn thing out himself after all.

Shut up and get stuffed! Bahawaha! Sorry, I like your post. I like your kid, too.

:)

I would let her go. Tell her she's done a good job making up for her outburst so she can go. Two weeks is super long at 10 years and she was frustrated. Give her a break. I have a 10 year old too and they can't be perfect. I'm in my 40's and snap sometimes. I echo the comments about a tutor btw or Kahn academy which I've heard is good. She's too young to hate math this much. A tutor likely can teach better than you unless you have formal training. We hired one for reading years ago and it helped a ton. Poor kid if she's struggling so much with it. Btw: my 10 year old is doing algebra too. Not like we have a choice unless we put her back a grade.

She lost her temper and was rude and disrespectful.
You lost your temper and gave her a punishment that made you feel better but taught her nothing about how to control her anger.
I would say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?
Yes, I would let her go, and going forward I would be working on ways of helping her controlling her emotions better.
By thinking she's "going to think about it next time" you're just fooling yourself. I heard this from adults all my life, as if spanking me was going to make me "think" about something. All it did was piss me off and made me better at hiding, lying and sneaking around.

Wild Woman, a 10 yr old is doing algebra because that's what is involved in 5th grade math, unfortunately! It's not like mom is making her do it just for the hell of it! But, I do agree that the punishment should fit the crime and 2 weeks is way too harsh! I'd have probably grounded her for the week because of her language. If she understands what she did was wrong and has been good, I'd let her go, so long as she understands that you are choosing to end her punishment because she was good, not because you're being a push over. As far as the math, when she starts to get frustrated, take a 5 or 10 minute break.

The point of a punishment is to teach them what's unacceptable, and to show them that life is more miserable for them if they incur a consequence. If you think she's learned that lesson in 12 days instead of 14, you can show her the value of negotiation. You might let her trade for something else that helps you, as someone suggested below (a chore, for example). That doesn't mean - and you should be clear - that she can continue to tell you to shut up or stuff it and then sweep the floor to make it all okay. You are negotiating the length of the punishment only. So if you agree to let her go, make sure that she knows you aren't caving in, but rather that you feel it might have been too long to begin with (if you want to raise that issue) or, more importantly, that she seems truly apologetic. It's a good way to teach her other ways to handle frustration - ask her to brainstorm a different way in which she could have handled the situation. Don't rehash what she did wrong - just have her play out a better way to handle it, something she could have said that didn't disrespect you. Then hug her and say she's growing up, and you're rewarding her with the sleepover. Make it contingent on no more outbursts or disrespect. I do think 2 weeks might be a little long for a 10 year old. If she had hit you or destroyed property, that would be more serious. I don't like the insults, mind you - and I didn't put up with it from my son either. But grounding and other punishments have to fit the offense and not be so extreme that they just cause more resentment. It's a balancing act.

Sometimes parents don't make good tutors. It's not just that it's adding on another new relationship between parent and child, although that can be a problem. It's also that parents aren't always so good at certain school subjects. Parents who aren't strong in math may not explain it well. Parents who don't write, punctuate or spell well shouldn't be overseeing the English homework. And so on.

By 10, your daughter should be able to go to her teacher for extra help. It may also make sense to get an tutor - someone objective, a new face, with a new way of explaining the same thing. Your daughter might find (and should be encouraged) that she has more ability than she thinks, but that she just needs to hear the info explained differently or maybe try a few practice problems in a different format from her regular homework. That can make all the difference.

so you are doing your daughter's homework for her? Not a good thing.

While I agree with stand firm on your punishment. Another for punishment must fit the crime vote here.

Figure some other punishment out.

I think 2 weeks of grounding is too much, because it really loses impact. The importance of punishments is to make sure they learn their lesson. Heck, after two weeks I would even forget what I was in trouble for. I give my kids shorter periods of punishment and something they know ahead of time.

I would let her go for a few reasons. She is at a awkward social age and I think it's really important to spend time with friends. Also, she has proven she knows what she did wrong and is doing her best to make it up.

I think you should have immediate consequences for rude behavior from her that don't last two weeks. Take away her favorite thing for the night...no DS time at all that evening...extra chores that night....early to bed, you get my drift. Make it a quick impact.

Yes, I would let her go.

When I lose my temper and say things I shouldn't (like two weeks grounding for inappropriate words and tone), I apologize to my children and come up with a better plan.

I think you should check out ah ha parenting and dr laura markham. If you continue to slam your child in this manner, you are going to have a really long and hard time of things until she leaves the house. You can either be her partner or her enemy.

I didn't read all the responses, but enough of them to notice the trend of "maybe you shouldn't be tutoring her math"... and I agree. It doesn't mean you are not good at math, either.
I did online school with my kids for one year. My son needed some additional work with his math (algebra/geometry) and while *I* understand math quite well, and could do everything myself fairly easily, that doesn't always translate to *teaching* it well. Sometimes just the personality/style difference can be too much. And sometimes, I really think more than not, kids need their mom to be their "you are great" person... and when mom is the one saying, "no, you made a mistake here, take another look at this" then it can be too much. I mean, they already know they have a problem or are confused about it else they wouldn't be under your watchful tutoring eye.... and so then you get the joy of telling them again that they messed up. Sometimes that just isn't what they need from Mom.

It was a rough year for us that year...
I would encourage her to seek additional help from her teacher. Most teachers are more than willing, but they need to be informed of the problem and asked for the help.

As for the sleepover/grounding... 2 weeks is a long time for a 10 year old. I don't really see a problem with telling her that perhaps she has gained some perspective about appropriate behavior/respectfulness towards you and towards her work (homework) and that if she'd rather ______ then you will allow it to substitute for the remainder of her grounding period. Or even just end it early-- If you think she has learned something/gained some perspective and/or control over her response for the NEXT time she gets upset with her homework. Because she will get upset and frustrated again. It's ok to be upset and frustrated. It is not ok to behave poorly as a result, and that is really what you are trying to teach her---better response to the frustration/upset.

Best to you both.

I think you should let her go. She apologized prior to receiving her punishment, so she obviously knew that what she had said was wrong. It was disrespectful and she owned up to it. She has also behaved very well since, which it sounds like is much more normal for her.

Honestly, I think two weeks is a really long time to ground a child for having an outburst like that. I understand that, as parents, we do what we think is best and whatever works for us, and I don't mean to fault you at all for grounding her. But, since this has come up, I think letting her go is the right thing to do. The incident was pretty small to begin with and it doesn't seem like she should miss out on something fun for it.

i don't agree that your punishment was 'too harsh' because i would find that degree of rudeness pretty unacceptable.
but i do agree that 2 weeks grounding isn't particularly helpful. 2 weeks is way past having a significant impact on a 10 year old. so i'd think in the future about imposing a tougher but shorter consequence, like zero access to any entertainment other than books and probably some hard labor. but just for a few days. one does have to factor in the degree of her frustration.
good for you for providing supplemental resources for her. now it's probably time to back off and let her handle it. if she's got a tutor and singapore (which is great, but HoH has an even better suggestion with 'life of fred') then your input probably isn't significant at this point. if that's not enough help for her, go to the school and hook her up with some official tutoring. sometimes as parents we have to step back and let our kids sink or swim.
so, since your kid has been on her best behavior for 2 weeks, and 2 weeks was a really long sentence, i'd probably let her go. i'm very big on follow-through, but i'm also big on the spirit of the law.
i love the ms may's suggestion to do a punishment exchange! that way you can 'cave' without really caving.
:) khairete
S.

You laid out the punishment, so you really can't back down on it now.

That being said, it sounds like math is difficult for her. I wanted to offer something that has worked really well for us, and that my kids LOVE. It's called Life of Fred math. It's a series of books that are intended for the homeschool market (and we use them for that), but they are presented as a funny story, and they don't contain all of the busywork of typical math curricula. I really like how the need for the math is expressed first (as in, how and why you'd ever need to know this stuff in real life) and then the math itself is introduced. The Life of Fred books have changed how my girls feel about math; they've done a total 180. My older daughter, when she was 10, came home from school one day and said to me, "It's okay that I'm not good at math. Some people just aren't good at math," to this year as a 12 year old saying, "What kind of job opportunities are there in physics, because I think this is what I want to do for a living." Sometimes it's all in the presentation of the subject, you know?

Aw poor thing. Sounds like you are both trying your best with the math. The two weeks grounded response, I applaud you. Frustrations happen in life, but that's never an excuse to take it out on other people. It also sounds like it was received well, as she displayed great behavior since your boundaries were firmly laid out.

Since it is at the end of her punishment, and she has shown that she recognized the consequences and shifted her attitude, and because she initially apologized for the offense, I would let her go if I was the parent. Like another mom suggested, she could work off the time with extra chores.

I would also encourage you to take some time to think about why she had the outburst. You said this behavior isn't typical for her. Was her outburst really just about the math, or was she maybe also frustrated with your style of teaching/tutoring? There are thousands of different styles and methods when it comes to teaching, and each child is different in how they best receive information. She is so lucky to have a mom that is committed to helping her with this subject, but I think it's also a good time to explore other options.

I would offer a punishment exchange, like the completion of a difficult chore to earn the sleepover. I actually think 2 weeks is a bit much, but I also don't think you should back out of a punishment completely because it sets a bad precedent that begging you will work in the future.

Also, check out teachingtextbooks.com, awesome help for algebra!

Hey Ava, how is it going?

Seriously kid, are you so stupid you don't get America is only six hours difference. So if it is Sunday there, it is Sunday here! So if you are going to ask about letting your child go to a party that happened yesterday it make you a very obvious troll.

I think 2 weeks of being grounded is way out of line for one incident like this.

Goodness, what would she get if she really messed up? 6 months of being grounded?

I ground the kids for an hour for stuff like this. They remember it much better and turn around quicker. If it's close to dinner time I ground them for the rest of the day maybe.

But I've never had to use the full out grounded for any longer.

Although it has nearly broken my heart at times, I let my yeses be yes and my no's be no. Punishment stands. What I may to instead because she was so good at keeping the punishment is find out from the hosting parent if the sleepover can be moved to my house this way she is still on punishment if the punishment was being in the house. If the punishment was she couldn't hang out with ther friends then that is the end of it all and she will finish out her sentence and perhaps the next time she is frustrated she will find a better way of expressing herself.

Perhaps my thoughts on Math will help her not be quite so frustrated. At any given point in time all math classes are a matter of addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. Alegebra is just solving problems where you don't know what the answer is but have to figure it out. I hope this helps too.