Would You Be Offended? - Detroit,MI

To me this is petty, simply because the extended fam does not understand what you have done for them does not mean you all do not. The obituary is not a "gold star" moment and from reading the post I feel that is how you are treating it.

I would wonder if you read the obit just to see if you were left out. What I mean is few people today even care or read the obit. My mom passed away in January I didn't read the obit, couldn't really tell you who is or is not in it.

I guess what I am getting at is they are wicked expensive and charge by the word and on top of that no one reads them. Most read mother/father to with names. Dear uncle/aunt, brother/sister, grandma/grandpa without names. Sometimes if there are a lot of kids even that is without names. All of this to save money on something no one will read except maybe HR if you have bereavement pay. My mom's was around three lines and cost over $400.

Oh I know the price and size because my dad was complaining about how expensive it was.

If you love your stepdad, do the right thing and do this for him. He just lost his mother. Be assured, he sees the good things you and your children do for him. You have raised your children right to take care of family members, even if they don't appreciate it. You are a good woman who has set the example for her children...don't get caught up in the negativity.

How lucky your kids and stepdad are to have you!

Since you asked, no, I would not be offended. This is not really about you and your family. And I wouldn't try to stop a 21 or 18 year old from reading anything they wanted to read. What are you going to do? Hide the newspaper? Just feel good that you helped out an older lady who needed help, mourn her in your own way, and be there for other family members who might want a listening ear. Take the higher road, death seems to bring out the worst in people--avoid that if you can.

Your children are adults and can make up their own minds. I wouldn't try to shield them from it, but I also wouldn't point it out to them either.

If I were in your shoes I think I would be having some words with the person who did the writing. I would also stop helping and let them take care of business.

Right now, I think you should just put all of your energy into your stepdad who has lost his mom. This is not a time, to find faults and have hurt feelings, except for the sorrow of a loved one.

I try to not think if myself during these times, when I would rather help others feel better than making them feel guilty or stress. Let it go. You know your relationships, that is all that really matters.

Don't shield them from anything- they're adults. Beyond that, you said that the woman was mean to you and that she didn't consider you family and vice versa.

You and your children demonstrated kindness on behalf of your mother, not because you had such a wonderful relationship with this person. You are not a member of that family and therefore should not be listed on the obituary.

When my grandmother died, my cousin's fiance was not listed b/c they were not yet married. When my father-in-law died, my brother-in-law's girlfriend was not listed b/c they are not married. When your mother's boyfriend's mother died (you consider him your stepfather, but he's not), you were not listed b/c THEY are not married and therefore you are of no relation to the deceased.

Let it go and be proud of your children for being helpful when the kindness was not returned to them.

I think you all can focus on what will be helpful to your stepdad. If helping to clean the house helps him out, relieves a little of his pressure then you should do it! He's the O. you care about here, right? Forget the others...they sound like a bitter, vindictive family. Rally around and help out your stepfather.

It sounds to me like you have some bad feelings here which are justified. However your children are grown and legally adults, unless there is some kind of developmental issues with your children they should be equipped to handle the good the bad and the ugly and be better people for it. They already exhibit a stronger sense of character in that they help out where they get no tangible reward. Support you step dad in his grief but as for the rest leave it alone, it's not worth the energy or effort there are some many more things in life and living that require attention and energy would be better used on those things.

I'm sorry for his loss.

You know what, it sucks when you are so giving and nothing is returned? I think that your children are going to find out regardless. I also think that you should let the other family know that you can't clean that you have some other important things to do. You wont get any more appreciation if you did. I think you should let your kids see the obituary talk with them and see what they think you guys should do as far as helping to clean. If you all take a stand then there is more power to you. I would just say that you have done enough and there is nothing more that you can offer.

Yes, I would be hurt, but I think you should let it go. If I read your story correctly your step dad didn't do anything to hurt you. Be honest with your children. Their grandfather (your stepdad) didn't write it. Tell them you feel bad that they didn't include you, but it's okay because you know in your heart this man is part of your family and he would never want to hurt you.

Don't shield your children, but don't turn it into a big thing. If you can let it go, showing you still feel loved and love in return, chances are they will too.

p.s....... if the woman who died was never nice to you examine why you want your name in the obit anyway. It might help you let it go.

M.---If you love your step-dad, your kid's 'grandpa', you will most likely carry on like nothing has happened. Be there for him. I'm sure your kids have shared their grief, for him, with him and he knows how they fee...for HIM. He knows.

As for all of the other things that your family does...I think that you would want to do what you could to help your step-dad, but if it involves doing things for the rest of his family, I'd find an excuse and politely decline because of other engagements. No more cutting grass, unless grandpa is living there and needs help. No cleaning her house for other people unless grandpa is moving in and cannot do it himself. There are plenty of services they can hire to take care of their responsibilities.

You have been a kind and loving soul because it was the right thing to do. Take comfort in that and pray for his mother's soul. Be well, D.

My MIL's mom passed away, and while my kids were included as great grandbabies, I was not mentioned, and I'm certainly not offended... I had only spoken to her on the phone briefly once, but I was always sending her pictures of the kids. Never met her; it didn't bother me.

Maybe the family member who was taking care of the obit. was grieving and forgot. Let it slide ;)

M., that is terrible, and we got crapped on too by our grandma, and she WAS family!!!! I'd say let bygones be bygones. You can let this fill you up with strife forever, or you can just let it go. It is easier, and more healthy to let it go. You can't shield your kids from wanting to read it, they are too old. Just tell them how important it is to love and respect people. This may be a good lesson for them. I know it hurts, but she is gone, and mulling it over and over won't do much good.

Let it go.
It could have been intentional, it could have been an oversight. What difference does it really make?
You know the relationship you had with this woman in life and that's all that matters.
In confusing and blended families, these things happen. Your kids are adults. I don't see a reason to shield them from anything and I don't see a reason to make a huge deal of this.
My step dad passed away and my sister and I were closer to him than his own kids in many ways. He and my mom were still married although they had been living separately for a time. They still loved each other. They'd been together for over 20 years.
Anyway, I was a little shocked when I saw the obituary because it said he was survived by his loving wife and his children and grandchildren....all named, with the exception of me and my sister and our kids.
Now, I could have gotten all worked up over it, but I had to consider the source. The obit was written by one of his kids who hadn't been very good to him and I hate to say it, wasn't around much. Even though she'd been my step sister all that time, she likely didn't know how to spell our names or even how many kids we had let alone what their names were.
He was very well known, we were his kids, we didn't need our names in the paper for people to know we'd lost our dad.
I didn't feel excluded in any way because we had a relationship with him that the person who wrote the obituary didn't have. She didn't have a good life and frankly, I'm amazed she handled the responsibility of getting an obituary in at all. That was her one task, she didn't handle it perfectly, I'm not going to take it personally.
My sister and kids felt the same way.
It always bums me out how ugly and bent out of shape people can get when someone dies.
People bicker over things and circumstances. To me....that's no way to honor the life of the person who passed away.
I lost a man who had been a father to me and a grandfather to my children.
He was a good man. He loved me. I miss him.
I didn't need MY name in the obituary to make any of that true or real.
Some people don't even want an obituary in the paper when they die. They want no services. Those are their wishes.
It doesn't mean their lives were any less important or significant or there were no people in their lives who loved them.
I'm so sorry you lost someone you cared for and loved. You know what you did for her and so does she. She wouldn't want you being upset about this.

That's my belief and my opinion. I mean no offense at a sad time.
Let it go.

It's just a newspaper clipping, sweetie. And your step-grandmother-in-law knew in spite of her meanness how much you and your husband cared for her simply because she was family. Whoever wrote the obituary probably just wrote it keeping immediate family in mind, or they took something she herself wrote out before she died.

Your children are adults so I wouldn't try to shield them from reading the obituary. They'll either buy a newspaper or find it online if they're interested in reading it at all. You don't have to offer it up, but don't shield them. They know how she was and probably wouldn't be surprised by something like this.

Deaths in the family are already difficult enough. Please try not to hold a grudge. You're offended and you're entitled to feel that way, but I would try to forgive and let it go. It's not worth remaining upset over considering how she treated you all when she was alive. I'm sorry for your loss.

It sounds like the reality of it is that your kids stepped up to help your step-dad, not his mother. Your step-dad has been around their whole lives and clearly your kids consider him to be their grandfather. Whatever his sister thinks or wrote in the obituary doesn't really matter. Anyone who knows you and your family and your relationship with your step-dad will see the right through omission. I think the only time it will matter is when your step-dad passes. No worries...don't fret about her shallowness. Your kids are old enough to understand.

Maybe it was an oversight or perhaps the family member who typed it up wasn't sure how to address the issue given the fact that your step-grandmother wasn't very grandmotherly to you and your children. Before allowing your feelings to get hurt, I would suggest speaking with your stepfather about this and see if he can straighten it out. Technically, because your mom and stepdad weren't married, you really aren't a grandchild but the fact is that your mom and stepdad did have a longstanding relationship and you and your children did try to develop a relationship with the ungrateful old woman so you should be included.

I had to think about this one for a minute. At first thought I would say that if they mention your mother has her son's wife then you and your children should also be mentioned. However, you have to keep in mind that an obituary is basically a story about the decesed life. It is written to honor them and their life. If, in life, she did not recognize your role in your mother's significant other's life, then that was her perogative and makes sense that her feelings were respected in her obituary. Now I'm not saying it was right of her to be mean and unwelcoming to you and your children...I believe family is more than just marriage and babies, but that was obviously not her opinion. I think it is OK to be disappointed, but pointless to be "po'd". Just accept it and move on. Besides, would you expect to have her listed as a grandmother in your obituary?

Just my humble opinion.

To answer your question, yes, I would be upset.

I think it's time to call stepdad's sister on this. Now that your stepdad is deceased, it won't pull him into it.

Explain to her that you respected and were kind to her, and treated her as family. However, this leaving them out of the obituary is the final straw, of many many straws, that broke the camel's back. It was deliberately hurtful. Tell her that clearly since she doesn't view you and your family as "family" and does not treat you with basic respect or courtesy, then all family obligations are over between you, and you will no longer feel obligated to assist her, since she feels nothing for you but contempt. Because family members, who understand what family means, don't treat each other disrespectfully or with contempt.

Then, cut ties with her. She does not deserve your love and support if she is so mean-spirited as use her brother's dying as another way to try to hurt you.

my evil stepmom posted her kids in my Dad's obit & we were offended by it. They should have been posted as stepchildren, not children.

That said, we posted an accurate one in our local paper. & that's what our family has saved for scrapbooks.

So, my recommendation is to post your own version OR just let it go. You know the truth.

Difficult. My first instinct was to say "if she was mean and insensitive, why give a rip about the obit?'' But, if she was in a nursing home there may have been mental issues, like dementia or Alzheimers. That may have been the case all along. She obviously had some issues to be so insensitive from the get go.
Your kids are 18 and 21. They're old enough to decide for themselves. They heard granny spout nasty lines to them and still pitched in. I wouldn't stress over an obituary. Granny didn't write it, right? Your kids learned to 'love their enemies' by being helpful despite her attitude. It's the rest of the family's loss if they continue the spitefulness.

The obituary is a printed advertisment according to our local newspaper. Get with the local mortuary and have it reprinted as you like it. Tell the mortiuary there was a mistake in the obituary and you'd like it corrected. If they charge you for it, I'd tell them to add it to the bill for the funeral. OR, better off, just forget about the money and go on from there. You said, "I could have cared less." Get the county recorder to list your mom as his common law wife on the death certificate. That's where its really important for future generations looking for a relationship.

Good luck to you and yours.

You've just got to rise above it. People are often rude and self centered. Don't let their rude behavior affect you at all. If your kids get upset, tell them to let it go and be the better person. An obituary is not reality, its what someone decided was reality. Its a piece of paper. Don't give them an excuse to treat you worse later on.

Best wishes!

Yes I'd be hurt, but now isn't the time to do anything about it. In fact, it may never be the time to bring this up if you want to maintain a semblence of peace in the family.

Let your step-in-laws go their separate ways if this is what comes from the death of your step father. I'm certain, he'd be disappointed by their behavior, but deeply touched that you chose to not go to that level. Don't stoop to that level. Be honorable for your step-father's sake, and move on...avoiding petty games and grievences when possible. You'll be happier and more at peace for it in the long run.

I will warn you, it'll probably get worse as they go through the grieving process. We had a situation like this, and the step-in-laws have totally distanced themselves from our family. Prior to the distancing they totally unleashed all of their true feelings about us because our grandfather had finally passed and there was no-one to keep them in check. It was not only eye-opening, but awful because any pain they were feeling due to the death, they made us unduly pay for it! Some of my relatives engaged in some nasty fights because of it. Especially when it came to dividing up the estate. I chose to stay out of it. But still wound up having a confrontation over some things that were left to me, that my steps didn't want me to have. I had to have my husband sneak them out of the house when they weren't looking and then a week later when they found out what happend, I had quite the fight on my hands. We don't speak to the steps anymore, but it wasn't my choice. I think it best though.

No. I would not be offended. They weren't related by marriage or blood.

Maybe the best way to 'protect' them is to blow it off as if it's nothing. You could talk about how lucky you are that this is your only problem in this world. With everything going on in the economy, and wars and what not, why make trouble within the family. Like you said, it's the stepgrandma/greatgrandma, is it worth the energy of being mad?
We had a family fued a few years ago, and let me share with you, I'd do anything to turn the clock back on something that seemed so important, but now seems just plain silly. Nothing has been the same since. Do you want your children to live with that for the rest of their lives? Protect them from feeling that anger for the rest of their lives, if you want to protect them from something.
Best of luck
N.