Would You Be Annoyed Too?

I wouldn't be annoyed. It's not like you're asking for people to bring stuff and she's cheaping out. Some people like to split the work; some like to do it all themselves.

if she chooses to have pot luck that;s her business. you shouldn't get mad at her because she chooses to do things her way at HER house. she still may be a penny pincher and in this economy i don't blame her. plus alcohol gets expensive! i think you are expecting to much. that her house and her rules.

Maybe it's her way of keeping her budget in tact? Everyone has different ways to entertain, there is no one right way.

I'll tell you what I think from my perspective: if it works for her, let her choose to have her guests bring a dish. If it doesn't work for you, don't go.

Sometimes, people do 'potluck' style gatherings because they like to see what others are making. They like some food diversity. Or they just like some help with it. Does it matter if she wants help with the expense or the work?

Me personally, I wouldn't think anything of an invite like your friend has put out: bring your own drink and a dish to share. Most parties I go to actually kind of swing that way, and I'd never consider the hosts to be "cheap" for asking us to bring our own alcohol (everyone has different preferences in our group) or bringing an entree for all. They are kind enough to do the work of cleaning up their home for us to gather in. And me, personally, I like the treat of getting to taste some of my friend's 'signature dishes' again.

I don't think you are a jerk, by the way. I just think that you shouldn't hold others up to what works for you. You like to host and do the whole she-bang. That's cool. But I have to tell you, if I never had potlucks, there would be a whole lot of memories we would have missed out on!

She's just doing what she has always done. I don't see a big deal at all with this and I don't think it matters what your income is.

Start asking her to bring things to your parties.

It is wonderful that you are in a place in your life where you feel you can afford to foot the bill for parties. You indicate your married but she is not. There could be any number of reasons she does not foot the bill for whole groups. Maybe she is paying off bills. Maybe she just likes pot lucks. If you expect her to do the same kind of parties tell her that. People do what they can afford. If we paid for the whole dinner each time we had company we would not have company very often

wow! i don't know that you're a jerk (and if you are, lots of people agree with you!) but i must tell you that i totally don't understand your pique. in my neck of the woods potlucks are more common than a totally-hosted event. i do occasionally want to do it all, and sometimes enjoy an occasion where i'm told not to bring a dish, but pretty much all of my friends and family do the potluck thing and i'm a bit horrified to hear it termed as 'expecting the guests to provide the food.' if everyone knows it's a potluck up front, where's the offensiveness? i think it's great that you can afford to host a big bash and are generous enough to do so, but does that really mean that anyone who doesn't host that way every time is cheap?
:/ khairete
S.

You're not a jerk, and I don't think she's lazy or cheap. Whenever we go to someone's home for an evening or have people over, we always do a potluck style get together. It's fun to see what other people bring and to enjoy the variety in recipes and foods. When I host, I do tend to provide multiple items, but if I'm going to someone's house, unless specifically told not to bring anything, I will also bring a dish (or more, depending on what's going on).

However, I also have friends who love to put together the whole evening. They are financially capable and also enjoy it. That's great if that's the kind of get together a person wants to have. I tend to think it's more a matter of one's perspective on the type of party you're having, so without knowing your friend, I'd say there are other ways of looking at your friend's invitation than her being cheap or lazy, and in your shoe's I'd try giving her the benefit of the doubt.

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Could it be that she has to make her money stretch further than you do? You're married and she's in a relationship. You presumably share an income with a husband, she's single. Perhaps she has a lot of expenses and can only give a gathering if it's potluck? I am never offended or resentful if I am asked to bring things....

No, you aren't a jerk. But perhaps you aren't considering that she's single. Even if she's in a relationship, she's not married as you are so she doesn't have that 2nd income to help her salary. Yes, her salary has increased over time, but she's paying her own rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, car payment, etc.

Like you, I don't expect anyone to bring anything when I have people over for dinner. I do it because I just love to have good company and good food. But what I've learned is that people really do love to contribute to dinner parties so why not have them bring something if they ask? i also know how stressful it can be to host between planning the menu, shopping, preparing/cooking food, and cleaning my house so I *never* go to someone's house empty handed and enjoy being able to take some pressure off my host.

If it really bothers you and you aren't comfortable broaching the subject with her, then you either need to let it drop or find excuses not to attend her parties or meet her out.

Well just tell her.
She is a friend, right?

Maybe. You don't know her financial status really...only what she's willing to share. She could be fibbing about her luxurious income or in terrible debt up to her eyeballs for all you know, just to keep up with the Joneses.

Or look at this from another angle...she just might be too tired from her high-powered career to be bothered with putting together a shin-dig herself...or maybe she feels she hasn't a domestic or Martha Stewart-esque bone in her body or she thinks she stinks at cooking. So pot luck it is.

You could ask her why...or not. Whatever you do, don't be petty. Sounds like you're judging your best friend. Keep doing that, she won't be your friend for very long.

She is not married, so she doesn't have a 2nd income like you do. I don't think you need to be annoyed I think you need to be more flexible. If she ask you to bring something and you don't want to, then don't go. If she wants to divide dinner up dollar for dollar what does it hurt you? Maybe she's being "cheap" or maybe your being inconsiderate. I hate to tell you but she is not in the same financial state as you. You have a 2nd income coming in...she doesn't

Ok, so I just read your "So what happened?"
You don't sound like a very good friend! "she is in general a lazy person, and she cannot cook very well" WOW, I think if I were her I'd start looking for less judgemental friends!!!!!!!!!

I feel the same way as you... I do soup to nuts or I don't do it at all. I'll have people bring something if they ask... but only something small.

That being said I do agree w/ other that you have 2 incomes and unless she earns the same as you and your spouse *combined* then her income really hasn't increased as much as yours.

I've also found that it's very indicative of how people were raised. I had a roommate in college that came from big money but was as cheap as they come. She has never changed... even as she and her hubby were flying up the corporate ladder. Invited us to a barbacue at her house and asked me to bring the chicken!!! OMG - a side dish I understand, but ask your guest to bring the main dish??? Out of control.

My point being, she's not going to change so either accept it, or invite her to fewer parties and make them ones where you are comfortable having people contribute to it.

Also - the whole "she might not like to cook thing" total bs... there are so many great pre-made items in the deli section of even the mid range grocery stores ANYONE could put together a nice meal w/out having to do more than pick it up and put it on their own serving dishes!

Regardless of the money involved, is she as capable and as gracious of a hostess as you?

I'm thinking this is just habit carried over, or she's not all that together as a hostess and by keeping it potluck it keeps the expectations of the evening more informal.

What say you?? And since, you've known her for so long and started out together....just ask her why she chooses this entertainment venue.

I am more like you, and have entertained many people in our home and have footed the entire bill...but I do not drink at parties. And I constantly forget to serve booze. Oops...

Sounds like she might be more lazy than cheap!

I would not be upset. When I host a party, I do everything - but I love to entertain and how much I spend on a party is my choice. I go to plenty of pot luck dinners/parties/cook outs as well and think that is fine. I would just try to relax about it. After all, you are the one who changed the rules, not her.

No, I would not be annoyed. I see nothing wrong w a potluck. If you just don't have your act together and you still want to hang out with friends and have people come over informally it is the way to go. In Alaska potlucks are the steadfast tradition as a carry over from Native Alaskan culture and everyone always has a potluck. It's rare not to there! I am all for it. There is less stress and the most important thing I think is to be able to spend time with your friends.

You're not a jerk but you and your friend are on different wavelengths.

Hosts provide the party. Period. Guests are expected to bring some sort of host/hostess gifts but not necessarily something to be consumed at the party. Flowers (already in a vase so the host doesn't need to scramble), candles, chocolates, wine, liqueurs, something for the house like coasters, etc. - all are appropriate gifts. Hosts throw the type of party they can afford without expecting others to contribute. Very good friends usually dispense with the hostess gifts since it's assumed they are frequently reciprocating.

In a progressive dinner, each participate agrees ahead of time to provide a particular course. In a pot-luck dinner, people bring something but are not assigned a dish (hence the term pot-luck! - you get what you get.) If you don't want to bring a dish, then you decline the invitation and say you are busy that day.

Families sometimes, by agreement, decide to host holidays by assigning a dish/job to each participant.

You have "upgraded" to hostess and your friend has taken to combining pot-luck and family holidays - that is, she expects everyone to participate, but not by doing what they want or using what they have at home (a true pot-luck), but by her assigning jobs. If you have guests and spend $250, that's your decision - you don't get to bill others or demand that they spend the same amount. However, your friend is not allowed to assign jobs or expenses for HER parties. It's kind of like having a cash bar at a wedding - I know a lot of people do it, but that doesn't make it right. You throw the sort of reception you can afford - if it's coffee & cake, fine. But you don't get to charge guests to come to a party.

If you and your friend have not discussed this, it's time. You can either open the discussion, or you can wait for the next invitation. If she invites you, say you have to check your calendar, but meantime, is this a pot-luck with everyone contributing, or is this a party she is hosting? If it's pot-luck, you can say you have to check your calendar (and then be unavailable) or, since she is such a good friend, you can say you are exhausted from cooking for your last party and you're just not up to providing food for another one just yet. Keep using that line until she figures it out. Or, you can tell her that you cannot attend her Christmas party because a veggie platter is out of your budget given the expenses of the season, and you hope she and her other guests have a very nice time. It would be nice if the other guests stopped indulging her all the time, but that's out of your control.

In your own invitations, you can consider making some of your events a pot-luck - but then DO NOT assign dishes. People bring what they want to bring in their own dishes ready to serve. The point is, the workload gets shared. If she doesn't bring something, then you stop inviting her.

Or you can just sit down and have a frank discussion about etiquette and hurt feelings. Evaluate whether she is extremely generous in other areas - if so, you may choose to overlook this behavior as a quirk. If she's always mooching, it's time to suggest that you all do something that you can afford and stop these too-expensive parties.

No, you're a very generous hostess... but maybe it's not that she's cheap necessarily. Maybe she just likes the sense of community and the variety you get when you ask people to bring things. Maybe she enjoys the conversation you can have about so-and-so's casserole. Just a thought.

If she is your good friend, then you should e bale to ask why she still prefers to have people bring their own drinks/dish. Maybe she has a good reason, or maybe she is still cheap! Either way, I would let her know how you feel.

I like to entertain and I like to cook. So when I have people over, I do all the cooking and provide all food and drinks for my guests, I almost never serve food with disposable dishes/utensils. Sometimes my parties are more formal (sit down dinner) and sometimes they're very casual (hamburgers and hotdogs.) I usually decline any offers to bring something. In part, because I have made a menu that has a theme (mexican, italian, etc) or because I don't want to end up with 5 shrimp platters and no salad (or whatever.) But that's just me. It's what I like to do; I get that not everyone enjoys cooking or the cleanup that goes with it. I don't expect other people to entertain the way I do. If they have a potluck, I'm happy to bring something. If pizza and beer is their thing, great! Count me in! The point is to get together with friends and/or maybe celebrate an event.

You've altered your hosting style and she hasn't. She's doing what's always worked for her without thinking about whether or not it still works for her guests... but if her guests are accommodating her and doing as she asks then it's still working for her AND her guests.

There's nothing stopping you from having a talk with her but don't be surprised if her feelings are hurt no matter how gently you approach the subject. Instead, you might want to take it on a party-by-party basis. When she asks you to bring something specific you can say, "Actually I was thinking of bringing ____ because it's more in my price range and I can make it myself."

And when you have parties turn the tables on her and ask her to bring something even if you don't typically do that. "I won't have time to pick up ____ before the party so I would appreciate it if you could do that for me. Thanks so much!"

Just because she makes a lot of money does not mean she has made wise choices. My husband and I make a decent amount, but over the years we put a lot on credit, so we have a lot of bills that we are paying down fairly quickly and therefore not leavig us with a lot of disposable income. Most of our friends that host bbq's always say bring a dish to share...but if you don't it's okay. We are going to two parties this weekend and one specifically says bring a dish to share and the other one doesn't. The one that tells us to lives in an amazing house, drives very expensive cars, and has more than enough money to provide it all. The people who didn't ask for anything don't have nearly as much. It is just how these two seperate friends are. I don't take offense though. I know when I host events people always ask what they can bring and I tell them I've got it covered, but if you want to bring something feel free. I just wouldn't make assumptions that because she says she makes a certain amount she does or that she has the extra money to do it. even back in my broke days, I still provided everything though.

I would remind her she never brings things to your get togethers... so there isn't a reason to bring anything to hers. She likes the tit for tat mentality - remind her that there was no tit for you to bring tat.