Worried About 9 Year Old Behavior

S.,
My heart goes out to your niece. I lost my dad when I was 14 and I was the one that knew what my father wanted for arrangements, where his important paperwork was - everything. My dad was my rock & my world just stopped - even after 23 years, it still bothers me.
I was kind of spoiled by my dad - I was Daddy's Little Girl & I was the youngest (out of 6). After my dad died, I had to go live w/my mom. She had to ween me from the spoilings of my dad. But, she never arranged an appointment with a counselor for me. As I look back on it, the counseling would have done more good for me then, than letting me 'deal w/it' in my own way.
Each member of the family has had a different relationship w/the decedent. The relationship, as I'm sure you know, is special between a parent & child. Your niece is need of someone outside of the family to talk w/to get her feelings out. This may take her some time, but that weight on her shoulders must be pretty heavy by now.
My advice to you, is to have a serious, sit-down discussion w/your sister about getting her daughter into counseling w/a child psychologist. And because its been 3 months since her dad died, and the new baby, the sooner your niece is active in counseling, the better your niece will be.

I guess all you can do is be her Aunt. Worried or not. Try to make the effort to take your neice out on those special outing with you and her where you can talk, play, shop, go out to eat, art projects or watch a movie. If you can get her to open up to you, let's say once a month, maybe she will be better. Reward her good behavior with a special Auntie day. I would say try anything to make her feel important and special, if only once a month, or whatever time you can give. I know it makes my kids feel so important when their Aunt takes them out individually. Their behavior is dramaticly better, especially my oldest a 6yr old boy. He spends his days with an 18month old sister and 6month old brother. It's hard for him to deal with the aspect of only child to big brother. He doesn't get the attention he used to, so with Auntie Time he is so much better. He gets the attention he needs. And he looks forward to his reward of good behavior time with her. And she loves it too. Maybe this will work for you. Hope this helps.
J.

I have the same problem with a nine-year-old member of my family as well, and well, unless mom sees what is going on, and realizes what an in-justice she is doing to your neice by giving in to her every whim,whine,and cry....unfortunately, all you can do is love and support her. I myself, try to NOT give in to the whining...and make them understand, that's not how things are done, at least in my house. What about trying to sit and talk with your sister??

Hi S.,
I would talk to her dr about this..she may need some help on how to express her feeling the right way,I wouldn't wait on this she not only has a new baby in the home that takes from her but she also has the death of a loved one..Call her dr and ask for help on who,where to turn for her

Hi S.,
My grandchild is 10yrs old she was spoiled and she went through the same thing as your niece, the loss of her father and the new baby is overwhelming for her, what she needs if aomeone to be an advocate for her, she needs private time with a caring person who will not step into her space of mourning she has to come through this without oonstantly being asked why she is so quiet. just be there for her take her out alone to a movie, buy her something pretty to wear, and have sit down time with her and her mother and keep it pleasnat, tell her mom to take her out for a nice dinner and show her she is a big girl and she is loved, don't baby her or feel sorry or guilty, she needs support not sympathy. She can be a big sister to her sibling. She can dress her and show the baby she loves her or him. Mother should give her a little grown up time. I hope this helps it helped my grandchild. NANA

Hi S....

Wow...that little girl has gone through a lot in her young years....

I'd say the most important thing is to get her to express her feelings, so she doesn't keep them all inside. There are a lot of books out there for kids to help them do that, and there are also a lot of books out there for adults to help kids through rough situations. One book is called "Alexander and the No Good Very Bad Day" (or something close to that). Maybe you could read that or check it out and see if it's something you could use as a springboard for conversation. Even if she doesn't exactly talk about it, maybe you can get her to draw a picture, but make it be about something seemingly unrelated, i.e. "draw me a picture of what you think would be the perfect day" or a favorite memory or something like that. The thing is you gotta get her talking, gotta get her to open up, otherwise she learns to keep emotions inside because she wasn't taught about outlets. You could also try contacting her pediatrician, to see if they have any insight.

This is a link from a website that I get newsletters from all the time. It's geared for younger kids, but it's about helping kids talk about tough subjects. Maybe you can do some searching on that site and see if there are any answers for a child her age: http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/pra...

Hope this helps...

R.