I am concerned that my 14-year-old daughter is going to make bad choices as she enters high school in the fall. She has already had a few boyfriends (one for a full year, one for six months, and one in between that was short-lived). I never let her spend time unsupervised with them, but she would have loved to (she begged to go to the movies with one of them, but I refused to let her). She does extremely well academically and is involved in a variety of activities that she enjoys, but I am afraid that she is a bit fearless when it comes to the boys, and I am very concerned about what the future will bring. She fights me on what is acceptable clothing to wear (I once asked her why she would even want to wear a particular something, and she said, "Because it looks hot!"), and she is already a flirty sort of girl. I am also thinking that she might be turning into the sort of girl who thinks she always "needs" to have a boyfriend. Her friends are not like this (I am good friends with the moms of some of her good friends, so I know that those families are not seeing this behavior in their girls at this time). My daughter does not like to share anything with me, saying it's "weird" to talk to me about stuff, and she is quick to exhibit nasty behavior towards me, her dad, and her younger brother. Any thoughts or advice? She is well-liked by her teachers and other students, to the best of my knowledge.
To answer someone's question, I had very open communication and a good relationship with my daughter when she was little. From the time she was very little (like 2!), I would ask her what she thought about things and very much tried to encourage and nurture open dialogue with her. She was one of those tweens who seemingly changed overnight when she entered middle school, leaving me wondering (but not saying out loud!), "Who are you, and what have you done with my child?" Having said that, like many teenagers, she can also be sweet and funny and a pleasure to be around. She still lets me tuck her in at night, if you can believe that! And, yes, I do use that opportunity to try to talk to her about stuff.
She's not sharing anything with you because you're not trusting her.
Why can't she go on a group date? Give her a chance to prove she can think for herself.
If you continue to think the worst and hold her back she'll just rebel.
Is there any volunteer work she can do around unwed teen mothers?
It might do her some goods to see where too much interest in boys too early can lead.
This is the time when dad needs to show even MORE interest in his daughter. My dad invited me out for dinner but these, in retrospect, were little 'dates' we'd been having since I was seven. Ideally, those times out should be focused on having a pleasant time together; dad can be asking questions about her and showing interest in what is on her mind.
The reason this is important is that Dad has a great opportunity to show her what to expect on a 'respectful' date. It would be a good time for him to just listen, too.
If both you and your husband can read "How to talk so kids will listen...." by Faber and Mazlish, that would be helpful. She may be more comfortable with side-by-side conversations than direct questions. "So, I've noticed..." might be better than "do you like so and so?"
The suggestion of counseling is a great idea if you are not seeing improvement in communication. And stick to your rules on dating. Whatever you have determined is *the* age for dating, stick with that. She doesn't get to call the shots. One of my favorite parenting illustrations is that of Bruno Bettelheim, who says that parents are the 'wall against which teens push against... they (the parents) must stand firm or if the wall crumbles, the child will fall as well. There is nothing to support the child.' Loose paraphrasing there, but the message is simply this: stick to your rules, our children need us to stick by our own values or they have nothing to put their own faith in.
Be a smart mom, know your kid's friends, know where she is when she's not with you. :)
What has been going on from the get go when she was a toddler til now? Communication? Sounds like you are lacking basic communication with family.
If she's adamant about not confiding with you.... Please, find a counselor in your area who she can relate with to discuss her life.
Communication is so vital and if one party feels violated if not understood then the best bet is a counselor.
Best wishes. Teens are hard.. Please be patient and listen
ETA: Got it. Based in your SWH aimed at me I agree completely with Nervy Girl... Where is dad and his involvement?
There are some girls that are just not comfortable speaking with their mothers for many reasons.
It is hard to change a relationship between a parent and a child, but mom, starting high school may be a good time for you to try to trust your daughter a little more than you do at this moment. We used to share our true experiences with our daughter. The good the bad and the ugly. We wanted her to know We were not and still not perfect.
We told her about our high school boyfriends and girlfriends. About failing classes and having to retake them or having to make up work to be able to pass. About how the trouble we got into with our parents.
You only have 4 quick years before she leaves for college! It really will go by very fast.
Do you think your daughter wants to be a teenaged mother? Ask her.
When you see or hear about a teen that is pregnant, talk about what future this girl and boy will now face. Ask her "how would you feel with a baby right now?" How do you think she is going to finish school? How is she going to pay for all of the diapers? She will then be able to put herself in that position and realize that is not something she will want to chance.
In the car, I used to ask our daughter, "When you go to college, what do you think you want to study?". I would ask her "what do you want to do as a career?"
I would offer opportunities. "Why don't we invite about 6 of your friends over for a movie night. You help me come up with a menu and some snacks."
"How about for the first football game I drive you and 3 friends to (insert burger place) before I drop you all off at the football game and I meet up with some other moms at the game. "
You and dad have a talk during dinner about girls that get reputations with the boys if they allow boys to to take advantage of them. Or how most boys are really just as nervous about girls and are usually relieved to know girls do not want to go all the way or get into uncomfortable situations.
Talk about how cell phones are now everywhere so her behavior and words could be recorded or photographed and show up any where at any time. How would it make her feel for a beloved grand mother or grandfather to see or hear about it?
Also allow her some more responsibilities around the house. Does she prepare any meals for the family? Have you ever given her a budget and allowed her to go shopping on her own for food for the week of meals? To purchase her own clothing? Her own school supplies? Does she do laundry? Does she know how to iron? Does she mow the lawn? All of these things are things she needs to learn to become responsible and independent. And even if it is not perfect, recognize her in a positive way.
Sure she may make some poor choices, and that is ok, because you will then be able to have her fix these mistakes and guide her with options. Spent the money poorly? What are her options? Return items? Earn more money to then go back in the future and get what she needs?
Never underestimate your child. If you give her high expectations and recognize her good work she will not realize that she will continue to want to do the right thing and stay on the good path.
Reward her with more freedoms. But also let her know you do see when she does not make great choices and let her know you "are disappointed, but know she will do better in the future". Ask her, "how can you fix this?" "How can you make a better choice in the future?" "What did you learn from this? "
Stop trying to control her and instead stand back and guide her. There is a difference.
I guarantee you from working with this middle school/high school age group for many years, that her friends are most definitely like this but are not as open as your daughter in front of you. And seriously that is the age where oftentimes they do not want to talk about it one minute and the next minute they are pouring their hearts out. These hormonal creatures have been described as being akin to a person being on drugs-without any stimulus at all. Short of stalking her (and her friends) I actually think you can start trusting her a little on this one particularly since she is so open about it.Ask the occasional question and simply wait for an answer at an extremely odd time. Monitor what she is doing and then decide. And compromise, compromise.And remember she is also being monitored and watched in school, so there are only a few hours where you really need to keep dibs on her. (I'm sorry I am trying to change the use of the word stalk-how about keep track of??) She really wants you to pull in the stops - you are after all her parent and are there to make and keep her safe, but well, boys are just so much fun.
Has she ever given you a reason not to trust her? I think she may not be sharing things with you because you already assume the worst.
My advice is to make sure she stays involved in HS activities. My daughter is so active she simply does not have time to get into any kind of trouble and she also has a huge circle of friends because of her extracurricular involvement at school. I also try to say "yes" as much as possible and "no" as little as possible. I honestly would not have a problem with your 14 yo going to the movies with a date. She has good grades and is well liked by teachers and peers...that says a lot.
You have just described me as a teenager. And won't talk to you about things because she knows your answer is going to be "No" or "don't do that".
Which also just means that she is going to find ways to do things that she wants behind your back.
I might suggest that rather than trying to lock her down further, you may give her a bit more freedom and trust her to make the right decisions.
Remember that if you goal is to stop her from having sex...you can't. She will find a way if she wants to, and the boys she's into will dominate her universe. I encourage you to work with her, rather than against her.
Make sure you discuss how to be a strong, confident girl, and how to value herself. Arm her with the right information.
She will make bad choices. That's part of being a teenager. But the guidance you put down as a foundation will keep her closer to the path you want her on.
she sounds like a basically great kid who is starting to feel the necessary biological need to separate from her parents' control. so while of course you're not going to just let her go whole hog, it's good to acknowledge her approaching adulthood and begin negotiating some freedoms and demonstrating your trust in her.
lockdown is tempting but guaranteed to backfire. and be careful with the tone of judgment- i completely get your horror at sleazy fashion choices, but instead of 'why in the world would even consider THAT?' try 'you're at an age where you want to look hot, i get that. but to my taste that's crossing the line into 'overly available.' let's look for something on which we can compromise, okay?'
you don't need to put up with nastiness or a smart mouth, but do be careful what tone you adopt with her- neutrality, respect and humor go a surprisingly long way.
i do think it's wise to restrict unsupervised one-on-one time with boys, do consider allowing group dates with minimal (eg no more than 2 hours, parents pick up and drop off) adult oversight. yeah, kids CAN collude and get into trouble in an hour or two, but think of it more as minimizing temptation than rigidly controlling every possible opportunity. think of it as if you were teaching her how to cook, or ride a horse, or read- you have to allow them at some point to turn on the stove themselves, or push the pony into a canter, or take on a chapter book.
i know most people think this is the most challenging age, and it is. but it's also one of the most rewarding. enjoy your teenager, and give yourself a pat on the back for getting her this far with her confidence, achievement and enthusiasm levels so high!
:) khairete
S.
ETA: Totally agree with Laurie A - do NOT try to control her. GUIDE HER!!
A.N.
Welcome to mamapedia.
What you are describing is a teenager. I have a 14 year old boy. He has his moments.
What kind of role model are you? Does she follow in your footsteps of being flirty? What about her dad? Where is HE in all of this? What does HE say about her attire and attitude towards you?
You say her friends are NOT like this? Well, where is she getting it from? The "need" to have a boyfriend? Sorry - but that is signs of lack of self-confidence.
I would ask her what type of boyfriend she's trying to attract - one who will only look at her as a piece of meat or one that will respect her and talk/engage WITH her...and not try to get up her short skirt.
Ask her if she's ready to be a mom? When she rolls her eyes at you, state that boys aren't thinking either right now. I remember what it was like to be 14, 16 and 18 - and believing with everything in me I was smarter than my parents. After I became a mom? My parents became geniuses!
Get her in a car for a long drive....and start talking WITH her. ask her open ended questions - where does she see herself after high school...what does she want to do....how does she see herself when she looks in the mirror? find out WHY she feels the need to have a boyfriend....keep talking...she IS listening...even if she doesn't like it? she's listening.
You need to be the role model. Remember to breathe...remember to LISTEN...ASK questions....
When she gets nasty with you or anyone else? Remind her that that behavior is NOT acceptable in your home. PERIOD. If it continues? She will be given punishment - loss of electronics, after school programs, that GROUP date she wanted to go on Friday?
While I am NOT a proponent of dating at 14 - I'm OKAY with GROUP dates. And my son KNOWS I will see all the other kids and talk with the other parents....so KNOW your daughter's friends and their parents. Don't be afraid to talk to the boyfriend's parents and ask their thoughts...she's STILL your responsibility until she hits 18. So your home? Your rules. Those rules need to be the same for everyone...no exceptions. Teens will pick up that faster than anything...
Good luck!! The teenage years can be tricky!
I would strongly suggest family counseling. Why? because you need to learn to communicate with your daughter...not TO her - but WITH her - there is a difference.
You can't demand that she share anything with you - however - you can be there for her. if she has not given you any reason NOT to trust her? Then I would allow group dates. Tell her that trust is EARNED and she doesn't want to lose that trust.
With my son? I take he and his girlfriend to the movies and drop them off. I KNOW her parents. If it's a movie I want to see? I go too - and I sit AWAY from them.
I had a wonderful mom, of fantastic teens give me a talk. She said that she takes two pieces of construction paper and some Elmer's glue. Then she uses on dab for hand holding and pulls them apart. Two dabs for kissing and pulls them apart, or hugging or whatever. The point is by the time you get to intercourse there are pieces ripped and glued to each other, and the point is that the more we give to others, the more we have less of ourselves to give, and someday we want to give as much of the whole self to our spouse as we can. This totally resonated with me. My kids are a bit young but there was so much wisdom in this I share it with everyone!
What helped me with my now 24 daughter was to allow her to ask me "is this negotiable". When she asked me that, it meant she needed me to compromise with her. But she also new that sometimes the answer would still be no. I also believe that it is necessary to give a short sweet answer as to why I said no about something. Also remember that just because she is in a sassy state, doesn't mean she's not listening. Remind her in a pleasant tone, that nasty behavior results in a consequence and have those written out on the fridge.
As far as dating, I agree with you!!! You, your husband and daughter need to sit down and come up with a dating "plan" for the future with a list of all your expectations.
The one thing you have going for you is that she is well liked by her teachers. That says a lot about how you've already parented, good job.
I agree that you need to get her on birth control right away. It's clear that she's boy crazy and apparently has been allowed to have boyfriends since she was 12. Sex is next and I bet it's not too far down the road.
Personally, I would put an end to the boyfriend thing. She is just too young to have a boyfriend. And I would also exercise more control/authority over her choice of clothing. If she's describing it as "hot" then I can imagine that it's a bit much, or at least more than I would allow.
You should also prepare yourself for your daughter's friends to start dropping off. If she is this boy crazy and they are not, they won't have much in common soon. And also the parents of those friends may not want their daughters hanging out with yours once they start realizing that she's all about the boys.
The only advice I will give you are two words: birth control! Put her on it and do it yesterday rather than tomorrow.
All the blabber about volunteering with teen moms, trusting her, talking to her, supervising her, disciplining her - bla bla bla. Honestly it is all well meant and yet when it comes down to it, it will not PROTECT her from an unplanned pregnancy or an STD. Teach her about safe sex, give her no-questions-asked access to condoms and put her on birth control.
You are fooling yourself if you think that she will not have sex when the opportunity arises and her hormones are raging. You cannot supervise her 24/7/365 - especially as she enters high school. Where there are teenagers "in love", they will find a way to have sex. It has always been that way for ages and ages and it will be that way with children, grandchildren and for generations to come.
So, yes - keep on working on your communication, keep working on her behavior and on your values and whatever is important to you. But do not be naive and do your daughter and your family a favor and make sure she is protected if all else fails.
Good luck.
Use her behavior to temper her "reward" activities. Nasty attitude, no phone for the night. Grades slipping, no going out until they improve. Make it all about her attitude and her grades, NOT about the boys. It's about the rules of the house, she breaks them, she looses her nice things.
Your daughter is at the age right now where defining her identity is very closely linked to being different from - and at time rejecting - you. The more you try to prohibit and control, the harder she will fight you and the more attractive those forbidden things will get. 14 is a hard age. She is not a woman, but she is also not a kid anymore. I think you need to take a close look at why she can't be alone with a boy at the movies - which seems like harmless right of passage. If you can find a way to back off a bit and let her have more decision-making power, I think your relationship will feel better to both of you. Trust that you have done your best to raise a responsible, moral child, then trust her more. Rules are important, but so is letting her stretch her wings a bit. I'm on my second 14-year-old girl and I know how much patience it takes. Good luck to you!
