Working Mom Has No Control

Maybe you can pick one or two areas that could be responsible for - Like reading. You could read them bedtime stories every night and on weekends you could set aside some time to go to the library or just cuddle up and read.

Hi E.,

I am in a similar situation; my husband watches the children while I work in the mornings and then I watch them in the evenings while he works. He is a wonderful father but does not engage them in the learning experiences and activities and outdoor exercise that I have limited time to engage them in once the late afternoon sets in. I have tried to integrete new things for them to do, threatened to remove the TV from the house and things don't really change - the relationship between DH and I just gets tense. It's a tough spot - for today (and this may change), I give it all I've got in the time that I am with them and for my sanity and the peace of the house, I focus on that my DH is a wonderful father, albeit not as driven a parent as I strive to be. I hope this helps!
N.

"My husband does a good job but most of the time it is not how I want it done"

Look at that sentence. There is no way you can communicate that without saying to your husband "what you are doing isn't good enough," which is just not okay.

Now, if there's a reason it's not how you want it done, then you can find a way to articulate the specific things that are _important for your kids_ and how you can work together to help make that happen. But if you just want to micromanage what is going on at home, I'll say the same thing to you as I'd say to a dad of a SAHM - that is one super tough job, so the best a person can do is pretty darn good.

Sounds like things are moving along fine, so while he may not do things the way you want, they're getting done. The approach I'd take is, "Wow, you're doing a great job with the kids and I know you're taking on so much right now. What can I do to help out more with the kids' learning and care?" Make it more appreciative and helpful than critical. If you take a collaborative approach, you'll probably find he's receptive to your ideas.

My mom thinks there is only one way a fitted sheet should be folded. In reality you could roll it into a ball and stuff it in the closet and the sheet would still be clean and fit on the bed later. I think that you need to stand back and appreciate what he does, even if it is not how you would do it, but then you are not the one doing it are you? Perhaps the problem is that you would prefer to be home? Do some soul searching before you push him so far away he does not want to come back. Like another poster said, you can spend time with each kid to read to them or play with them and still impart your love and values to them. Ideally those values would overlap your husband's, but I have had conversations with my 10 and 13 year old that "Dad believes this, but I was raised a different way and believe this. Both ways are OK and you can figure out if either way or a third way works best for you". Make sure to appreciate his effort even if you do not appreciate the method. But in my opinion whoever spends the most time should have control over the environment, i.e. if my husband is the one who likes to cook he gets to organize where the pots and pans go since I hate to cook. Since I do the laundry I decide how it gets folded to fit the closet space we have. Both methods have reasons behind them and are not arbitrary even if we do not agree with the reasoning behind it. If he were to die in a car accident tomorrow would you worry about how he did the dishes?

Well if you feel your DH is doing a good job then you really shouldn’t have to guide him to change. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it! However, I can understand wanting to contribute as much as possible. We all want to feel like we’ve done our part as a parent. You are doing yours by working, but you want to have that feeling of accomplishment.

This reminds me of one time my DH was talking to my DS on the phone from work and he was telling him about how Mom was outside throwing the football around with him and how great he is throwing the ball. My DH felt that it was his job to teach his DS how to throw a football and felt like he wasn’t contributing enough to raising his son.

First thing Saturday morning he took my DS outside and started throwing the football around! It was really cute actually and I could tell my DH felt better. Next thing he took out the baseball and mitts.

Even though I still play sports with my kids my DH has taken a big role in it now too.

Maybe what you can do is after work or on weekends do something with your kids that just you do with them. My DS loves to cook with me, make forts out of blankets and work in the garden. We also paint and play board games. Your DD is still young but I bet she loves play-doh or playing make believe.

One thing that I do with just my kids that my DH doesn’t like to do is go on nature walks. We have a lot of nature trails in our neighborhood and it’s so nice to get out with them in peace and find slimy worms and collect “pet” rocks to paint when we get home!

Let me ask you, have you told your husband how you feel? Maybe you can gently tell him that he is so awesome with the kids but you wish you had some control over things too. Not tell if you wish HE did things differently but that you feel you want some sense of contributing to the kids well being and learning.

By the way you are very fortunate to have a husband that stays home full time with 3 kids AND does a great job!!!

I am in the opposite situation. I am at home with our two boys in elementary school and our sixteen month old daughter. But my husband, who works full time plus, contributes a lot to the development of his children.

When the boys were younger, he was the one to read to them every night he could. He also is a pack leader for their boy scouts and I make a point of letting him take care of all of the requirements for that with the boys. He also checks the 5th grader's math homework; as math is not my specialty.

It is the little five to ten minute one on one time that you spend with each of your kids that will make the most difference.

I think it is important that the children are raised with both of your ideas and opinions. Even when my husband may disagree with me on something, I don't feel unappreciative, I feel like he does not understand the reason I have a rule or idea in place. Talking it out or leaving him with the kids for an extended period of time usually helps him understand my point of view.

Good luck!

Well, I could be wrong, but it sounds like the issue is your feeling you do not have control over things more, not that there is a LOSS of control.
It's a big difference.
If dad is doing a good job, and it sounds like he is, just keep praising him for a job well done. You feeling like you aren't contributing as much as you like isn't the same as him not doing great at what he's doing.
You feel he doesn't do things the way you want them done. Oh well.
I had this conversation with a friend of mine who returned to work full time and she was griping about every little thing her husband did. He didn't fold the towels the way she wanted, he didn't load the dishwasher the way she did. She didn't see that the job was getting done none the less. She actually would go home and RE-DO what he did, huffing at him about how it would be so much easier if he just did it her way in the first place.
Neurotic? Yes. I love her and I told her so.
Even her kids were helping and she was ruining their evenings by being upset that tupperware wasn't put in the exact space she put it.
When you work and you have to share things as a family, such as chores, you can't be ticked off because things aren't perfect. Or not done the way you do them.
It's my guess you truly wish you could be home more and be more involved. That's cool. Nothing most working moms don't feel. But don't twist your true feelings around to a point that what is going on at home isn't "good enough" if the kids are happy and fed and clothed.
It's like I told my friend....be glad you have someone to help you. In the scheme of things it could be worse. You could be a single mom and have "control" over everything, along with shouldering all the responsibility alone.
P.S. My friend's husband works full time too and juggles the kids because her job doesn't allow that flexibility.
She has been a lot happier since she has decided to appreciate her family's efforts as opposed to "grading" their performance like a manager when she gets home.
My husband couldn't find his "OFF" button either. It cost us our marriage.
Just saying.

If you're not home enough to do things the way you want them, trust your husband to be there and take care of things in his way.
Be glad you have him.
You can agree on certain things or schedules, but we all know those things go out the window some days. Happy sleeping babies at the end of the day is a job well done.

Best wishes.

well honestly you cant "guide" you husband not seem unappreciative, He is the one in charge of the learning and care while you are at work. Let it go apparently he is doing a good job dont try to micromanage your home it just gets ugly

I am in the same situation. You cant change much unless there is a real problem. I mean you cant change his personality. you don't say what you would like changed. Is the house trashed when you get home? Are the boys doing OK in school? Is your daughter clean and fed well? Those are legitimate concerns you should discuss. however you cant micromanage when they do homework or when they play or snack.
I dont work really late so I work with my son when i get home on his homework and extra learning. On weekends I go shopping and buy healthy food and healthy snacks because that is very important to me. sometimes I stash healthy snacks and juice boxes in his car, to discourage him from stopping at fast food or Quickie marts. During the week I make shopping lists of what we need and he is glad to take those lists to the store. You can help sign up the kids for extra curricular stuff if you want them to participate.... If it is about discipline and how to talk to kids would he read books? watch videos about it? that would be better than you telling him what you think is best. Hope any of this is helpful, feel free to PM me .....

If he is doing a good job and he is the one at home, you might have to open your mind. If what's he's doing is working, let him do things they way he is. You don't want it done that way, but you aren't the one doing it. I don't see what the problem is, if you admit he's doing well. I think you should appreciate your spouse is doing a good job and accent the way he's doing things.

Fact is, if he is the stay at home he is going to have more control over the way they are raised, but you should have input. I would try to sit down and have a talk with him. Start out by telling him what a wonderful dad he is and how much you appreciate all his hard work. Than, with out sounding critical or accusatory, tell him about the things you might approach different. Let him know you are just giving suggestions because you are also a parent and feel you need to have some input, and than talk about how your ways might work compared to his, or if a compromise of the two may be best.

Unfortunately, you don't get to control everything. One parent should not have all the say, and your kids are fortunate that while you are working, they have the most qualified person caring for them - dad. It's not about how you want it done, he is a parent too and gets his say, esp when he's doing the primary caregiving. I'd suggest having weekly coffee dates to discuss what's going on with the kids, upcoming activities, school events, disciplinary issues - but don't expect that hubby is there to take direction from you and follow your orders as though he is a nanny. The discussions about how the children should be raised really need to be discussed before you are in the trenches of parenting. Good luck

Updated

Unfortunately, you don't get to control everything. One parent should not have all the say, and your kids are fortunate that while you are working, they have the most qualified person caring for them - dad. It's not about how you want it done, he is a parent too and gets his say, esp when he's doing the primary caregiving. I'd suggest having weekly coffee dates to discuss what's going on with the kids, upcoming activities, school events, disciplinary issues - but don't expect that hubby is there to take direction from you and follow your orders as though he is a nanny. The discussions about how the children should be raised really need to be discussed before you are in the trenches of parenting. Good luck

I think you need to first of all recognize that just because things are not done the way you want them done, doesn't mean it's wrong. You already said your husband does a good job, so let him do it his way when he's with the kids. And this also means don't change everything drastically when you are home.
I'm thinking perhaps your bigger issue is your own lack of time with them and you feel left out of their lives. I have a couple of thoughts on how you might be able to remedy that. First of all, when you come home, do you have time to spend with your children immediately, or are you plunging yourself into cooking dinner or other housework? If your husband is the stay at home person, he needs to have things under control so that you can spend time with your children. If having him cook the meal isn't working, then perhaps the two of you, or even you alone, could prepare something after the kids are in bed that he could pop into the oven, or cook in a crockpot, so that it would be ready when you get home and you'd be freed up for time with the children. Choose what type of things it is you'd like to do to feel more connected with your children and communicate that to them and your husband. Then start doing it every day when you are with them. An hour spent helping them with homework might be your idea of communication. Or perhaps you like playing various games with them, take a walk around the neighborhood, watch a video together, read books with them.. bedtime story time is a wonderful family connection time.
Can you email home from your work? If so, try to send them an email that the older ones can answer when they get home from school. Or if you can, give them a quick phone call on your afternoon break and briefly chat about their day. Have hubby send you little updates on the 16 month old during the day... cute things she's done or words she's learning... anything that will help you feel connected. If possible, he might even take a picture of her doing something and email it to you. This depends of course on your work situation and whether you are allowed such communication. We take care of a grandson and find that just sending a one or two sentence email with something cute he's said or done during the day seems to brighten his mother's work day. I think if a boss knows that this type of thing is going to help your productiveness rather than take from it, they will welcome such communication.
You might also want to consider your time off from work situation. How much vacation, sick leave, etc. do you get? Is taking a full week or two and going on a vacation with the family important, or would you do better to take off a day a month or so and just spend that time with your kids at home? Make full use of all your holidays from work to have good family time with your kids and husband. And don't forget to take some time to just spend with your husband alone too. It's been said, and I believe it's true, that the best thing a mother or father can do for their children is to love the other spouse and let the children see that love.
I hope some of this is helpful to you.

We did PCIT (Parent Child Interaction Training) at our local Health Department. One of the main things we learned is to spend special time with each child each day. This could be how you present it to your husband. That you are not getting to spend any real time with the kids and want to have about 15 minutes with each child each evening. Then you can just plan something for each individual child.

Hi, My husband stayed home when our son was young and I worked in corporate america. I felt the same way, but I just had to make casual conversation about topics that did not seem like I was telling him he was not doing a good job. I also had to let things go...I know it's hard but your life will be much less stressful. Now, my husband works and I work from home in order to have a flexible schedule for my son. http://www.GoGreenBHealthy.com

Having 5 children I just wanted to say that you are right you have no control, just as if your husband was working and wanted to run the family as well. To work and parent is a team effort and compromise comes along with it. I know that the men in our family are great at doing the @ home care of house and family while the wife works. I know that as we raised our children we often disagreed on how something should be done but agreed that the parent that was there got to make the decisions and the other had to suck it up sometimes. But I know it is hard to not be there and to feel like you are missing out on a important part of thier developement just know that you are so important to the family and what time you do have is special and appreciated I am sure.

If your husband is doing a good job - then just leave him alone. Just because it is not the way that you would do it does not make it wrong. You are not complaining about anything other than him not doing it "how you want it done". To me that is not a valid reason to cause strife. Just my opinion.....

OH my gosh! I must hear your answers on this. My youngest son's father is stay-at-home with me but at times I do not see that he is "contributing" and when I get home from work, I still have to handle the kids, etc., so what is the point in him being there? Whenever I ask why the dishes did not get done or the trash did not go out the excuse is - I didn't have time I had to take care of my son... My problem - he tells me to stop criticizing him and anything I say he says to just deal with it.
I hope you have better luck than I have been.
Tam

How about giving him a full day off once a week? AKA you both get a 1 day weekend, instead of the WP getting a 2 day weekend and the SAHP getting a 0 day weekends.

Let him sleep till he wakes up and take over every aspect of child and house care 1 day a week. From cooking all the meals, all the cleaning, all the etc., so forth, and so on. That way you're both working 6 days a week.

I can't TELL you how much that saved my sanity.

As far as "guiding", as others have said... you can't. You can hash out parenting things (like activities, rules, etc.)... but he's on the ground and has to deal with things as they come. Just like you would probably feel miffed if he started "overseeing" you doing YOUR job at work and trying to guide you into doing things completely differently, to match what *he* likes. Not because his way is better. It's known as micromanaging. And everyone being micromanaged hates it. My husband does it often. I have to keep reminding him over and over and over that he's my partner, NOT my supervisor.