Husband Making Me Feel Horrible

I feel this way too sometimes. My LO was born 5/6/07, and I also have another daughter that will be 2 in December. I rarely get breaks and he always thinks it's so easy, until he has to watch the girls on his own.

Hi B.,
My husband never did that, but I know of other womens husbands who have. I definitely think that the 2 of you should sit down and discuss this. Perhaps, he's jealous of the one on one time you have with your son and wishes he could stay home also. I've noticed that some men expect to have the same bond with their new babies as their wives do and can become resentful for it. If all else fails, you may want to consider couple counseling or indivdual counseling for yourself, and consult with someone who can give you some insight as to why he's behaving this way and how to handle it.

First I have to say that April 18th is a great day. My wedding anniversary of 9 years is on April 18th. I have not gone thought this but I think you should sit down with him and talk about this calmly. Tell him how you are feeling. Ask him how he feels and why he is making the remarks he does. He may not mean what he is saying the way you are taking it. So find out first what he is thinking, then remind him that you both decided this is how you both wanted things. Some times you need to change the game plan once a baby is born and that is ok. Good luck and talk about this with your husband.

Hi B.,
You got tons and tons of very good advice, so there isn't much for me to say. But I will say this, I decided to be a stay at home mom when my daughter was born and after 16 months of excruciating exhaustion I decided I will go back to work.Things are still difficult because once I am home in the evenings I suddenly become 'like a stay at home mom' and take care of so many things but when I am at work I am actually getting a big break...it sure feels like that! I DO NOT think there is anything more difficult in this whole wide world which is more difficult than being a stay at home mom but even the nicest of men may not understand what it takes.

M.

I feel for you B.. I was in a relationship were my man was verbally abusive by making nasty comments. I am now married to a great guy and I am a stay at home wife. I quit my job in Dec because I was being taken advantage of by the owners of the company. Anyway I started my own jewelry business!It will allow me when we have kids to just work in the evening during the week or on weekends. It's fun and I really enjoy making 50% of whatever I sell. I am telling you this because this might be something you want to consider to help give your family a better quality of life and provide less tension because you'd be able to be a SAHM and contribute to the family income. I live in the North Hills and I would love to talk to you and your husband to tell you more. Please contact me if you are interested. I can tell you it has helped my marriage having this business!
God Bless! K.

Hi B.,
I am a 31 year old SAHM too, my kids are 1 and 3.
Grateful is not the right word to use in this situation. I'd say your son is fortunate for the choices you and your husband have made (for you to be a stay at home mom)...It's not that you are "lucky" to be doing it this way - luck has nothing to do with it - you guys have made choices and sacrifices to make that happen for your child. The way I see it, you both have a full time job, and when he comes home - the work should be shared 50/50 without question. You didn't make that baby or the decisions all by yourself and you shouldn't be left dealing with them alone either.
Imagine if you made a different choice and went back to work, would that make you (or him) feel any more comfortable? Probably not, instead of being weird with your husband, you'd feel guilty towards the baby...it's just a matter of making choices and living with them and making them work for you and your family.
I know it sounds trite, but you have to talk to your husband and let him know how he's making you feel...my husband did the same thing and didn't even realize what he was doing! He felt so bad and has since really stepped up to the plate and made an effort to help and enjoy and appreciate myself and the kids every single day.
Good Luck!

I am also a SAHM and have been for about 3 years. I found that my husband was a little strange at first (a little jealous) about me being home and him going to work everyday but, now he is so proud of the fact that he can support our family on his own and he kind of brags about it to the other guys he works with.
I think your husband will come around. It'll just take some time. Maybe you could say things like "I was talkin to so & so the other day & she was so jealous that I am able to stay at home with our kids, she'd give anything to have a husband that supported that...". It might boost his ego a little. I think men crave respect & praise from their wives. So pour on the compliments & he'll stop with the negative remarks. Kill'em with kindness...

Hi B.,

Honestly, I think most women go through this, because men haven't got a clue what it takes to raise children and keep a house up and running. It is a never ending battle to keep the house clean, make sure the bills are paid, make sure there is food in the house, make sure the food gets cooked, make sure there's clean clothes to wear, then there's feeding, changing, bathing, holding, comforting, teaching, chasing, etc. the baby, plus doctor appointments, illnesses, sleepless nights, and then there's the added bonus of extreme emotions brought on by your hormones that are still raging after being pregnant and giving birth.

After I gave birth to my son who is now 10 months old, I had just enough energy to feed him, change his diapers, feed myself occasionally, and take him to doctor appointments. My partner was almost no help to me whatsoever. And I felt like he resented me for not being able to do more. I get so angry when I think about how he was unable to perform simple tasks like bringing me a bowl of cereal to eat while I nursed the baby.

I work full-time now, my son is in daycare all day, so when I come home I have a little time to myself before my partner brings the baby home. During "me time", I usually do laundry, clean the kitchen, make dinner, vacuum, etc. But my partner gets upset, as if I'm somehow taking advantage of him/his time, if I want to do something for/by myself.

Listen, here's the reality. Women work 3x harder than men, and never get any credit for it. Instead, they get rewarded with whiny, unappreciative, and snide remarks about how hard they work all day and how they deserve to be able to rest when they come home and how easy we have it. Bull!

Unfortunately, unless your husband has a complete brain transplant his behavior probably won't change anytime soon, but don't you dare feel guilty for the role you have chosen. If I could depend on my partner to support us by himself, I would definitely be at home right now with my son. Sadly, we are not that financially stable, so I have to go to work. But, that doesn't mean that my job ends when I leave the office. You have a full-time job, too. Don't worry about what you husband thinks right now. Just take care of that beautiful baby and enjoy the time you spend with him.

I wish I had some better advice, and in fact, if anyone out there has any I'm listening, too.

Take care, B., and don't let your husband's attitude ruin this amazing time in your life. You have every right to stay at home and take care of your son. Especially if you have the financial means to do so.

Of course I can't judge the tone of the remarks, but maybe its just his way of reminding you to look at the bright side of being home with your child. Men feel responsible for fixing your problems and this may be his way of trying to do that. My husband says this all the time and I feel he really sees my role at home as improtant and vital and its his way of communicating it. This is a really tough time- with sleep deprivation, hormones, and your baby's endless needs. Take a deep breath and some mommy time.

My husband had a brief lapse of sanity as I like to refer to it. For me he said that him going to work was much more exhausting than staying at home with our daughter who is now 2.5, cooking, cleaning, and going to school at night. I told him that my job is 24/7 and never get sick days or vacation days or god willing time to myself. After I talked to him about how I felt and the fact that he was able to hang out with his buddies while I stayed at home and couldn't he understood and we don't really have that problem anymore. Tell your husband how you feel and how the comments are making you feel. The two of you made a decision together and you should not have to pay for it becuase he is tired or upset and can't stay home. Good luck!

Just tell him that you will be happy to go to work while he stays home and see what he says. I don't think that our husbands realize what it really is like to be home all day with an infant and keep the house running. Not to mention that we are expected to do it all with a smile on our face. It is hard work to be home, but until he has experienced it day in and day out as you have, he really doesn't have any idea.

B.,

First of all, you are not alone. There are a lot of stay at home moms out there and several stay at home dads, too. While I really think it sounds like your husband is jealous not resentful. I don't think you should just take it quietly. Let him know it is bothering you but before you do, sit down and figure a few things out so they are ready when you have your conversation. Make a list of all of the expenses you would have if you were working now (including daycare expenses, work clothes, gas, lunch out occasionally while working, etc.). Include on your list the added income working would bring you. Figure out how much money you would actually make if you continued to work (after all of your expenses that is). Also, call around and check to see how much daycare centers pay their teachers and staff. Then figure out how many hours you are the primary caretaker of your child during the day include night hours. Multiply that number of hours by the median rate you found from talking to daycare workers (or checking in the help wanted adds). Divide it in two since they child is yours also. Include this figure as how much your husband should be paying your for your services. Make sure he understands that does not include the maid services and cooking that you provide. Tell him you consider this amount your contribution to the household each month.

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was in the middle of looking for a new job (by choice having finished my college degree). We looked at the salary for the different jobs I was applying for. Then we looked at the costs of daycare and the work related expenses (that was using a bus pass to get where we needed to go, not a car). We found that I would make so little after taxes and expenses that it wasn't worth it for me to keep looking. It would, also, mean that someone else would be spending the bulk of my child's developmental time with them instead of me. That little bit of money was not worth it to either of us.

You may actually be surprised by the figures you come up with. There have also been studies (I think even a federal study) as to what stay at home moms should be making each year based on the work that they do. Although I don't expect the federal government to pay me, it would be nice if they put those figures toward my social security eligibility for when I grow old. =)

Good luck. One last note, you are still in that period after your pregnancy where you could be experiencing higher hormone levels and some postpartum depression. While that is definitely not all of it, I'm sure, take that into consideration when you are talking to him about how you are feeling as well. While some reaction should be normal and expected to his comments, think about it a little to make sure you aren't making more of it than there is.

Don't feel horrible! Try talking to your husband & tell him how you feel, maybe get something out of him. He could be having some feelings himself. He is a new dad, as you are a new mom & now he is the only one finanially supporting more than you & himself. My husband did make some comments how "he allowed me to stay home" & I nipped them right away. We had to learn to have more effective communication, which we still work on. It's not easy but that's part of marriage & parenthood!! It will get better!
Also try finding some moms clubs so you can get out there with the rest of us who have been there, will be there, or are going through the same thing.
Where do you live?

my husband did this same thing. he worked two jobs while i stayed home with our two kids. So when he got laid off from one of his jobs I told him I WAS GETTING A JOB in which he replied" YEAH RIGHT" So i went out and got a job which meant HE HAD TO STAY HOME WITH THE KIDS! Well i did work for about 6 months and I came home to nothing being done (which he complained I never did anything, even though I did and the kids just messed the place up again) The kids were complaining they were hungry as soon as i got home. i would ask what they ate and my daughter told me come crackers and cereal. WTF? I was gone for 8 hours they should have had breakfast and lunch but usually ended up with only one meal. DH said it was becuase they didnt say they were hungry. So I kept getting on him just like he got on me. I made sure there was things the kids could get themselves if they were hungry but still expected him to feed them. Then he told me he wanted me to quit my job becuase he was tired of staying home. I was tired of working then coming home and having to do EVERYTHING so I agreed and since then I havent had a problem with him saying anything.

If he wants you to get a job tell him you will but that you guys cant afford daycare so you will work opposite of him. Meaning while your at owrk it is his responsiblity to take care of the house and child and vice versa. He cannot leave dishes in the sink for you to clean or anything. See how long that lasts My DH was stubborn thats why it took him 6 months but after a month he was hinting he wanted me to stay home with the kids again. but i kept my ground.

I completely know how you feel . I am a mother of four boys ages 4,6,7,10. It is very hard taking care of these guys and doing everything else. For a year my husband said that he needed to get a seconde job and I sat and waited for him to get one. One night he said he would soon have to get me out there and get a job. I told him I had a job. He said one that made real money. So I did I got a job working evenings from 7pm -11pm. I told him the first time I camer home and the house was trashed I quit. Well it got trashed a few times but he guilted me into staying at my job saying how much we needed the money. So I did. Then I came home a couple nights in a row and my kids were still awake. I kinda flipped on him and went to work and quit. I could not start all over again at 11:45 pm . I now am taking my real estate class online . ALso not so easy. He doesn't help at all and keeps asking me when my schooling will be done. I can not wait until I get a job when the kids are in school. B. do not do it. It is not worth the stress , fighting or the nervous breakdown. I think that what you have is very hard. The fist baby is the hardest. I don't care how many you have it is hard. Whatever you know is hard. Please do not let him guilt you into going back. You are where your baby needs you . Tell your husband it is not about him and what he wants anymore. It is about the baby and what he needs. Go buy yourself some bon bons and a good chic flick. Let him think you take it easy all day. He has no clue . If he thinks you should go to work tell him then he will have to stay home with the baby. Being a mother is very hard anymore . hoping that you are not judged by what everybody thinks. There are plenty of people that stay home. Find a MOPS group in your area to help you have a listening ear and to have some kind of break from the baby . Well look I think i have wrote enough, but whatever you do ignore your husband because more mothers stay home than he thinks. Good luck !
B.

have him stay at home and take care of the baby and see how he likes it and takeing care of the house i have 4 kids and it is hard sometimes for me to do it

Yep, I get this one, too. My husband claims that he would love to be a stay at home Dad, but we both know he can't, andwe can't. When we were both working, he made more money than I did, so it makes sense for me to be the one to stay home. BUT, he makes that money because I supported him while he went to school, so I feel every bit as entitled as he to the benefits of that decision. We did make the decision for me to stay home together, too. It was important to us that we have a parent at home, and it was the best choice for us that I do it, since I am the more naturally nurturing, cleaner, and the better cook. He has none of the skills necesary to do this job.

IF you love staying home, don't hide that. When he says you're lucky, let him know you are aware of that. If he was some loser who couldn't hold down a job, you wouldn't be able to to what you do. But, don't hesitate to point out all of the things that are better in his life because you stay home. If you worked, there would be a lot more stress and a lot less time for everyone. Would he be happier if you worked and you both had to spend your evenings and weekends running errands, cleaning the house, shopping and doing laundry? No, and he is free of a lot of that because you get it done during the week. Does he think life would be better for you as a family if your evenings involved picking your baby up after work, coming in, making dinner, juggling the baby, trying to eat, bathing and pajamas and into bed for your little one? Where's the quality time? His life is a lot less stressful, your household is calmer, and he has more free time to enjoy you and your child than he would if you worked, too. So yes, you're lucky to stay home, but he's lucky that you do, too.

Of course you could get into all of the benefits of having a job, like adult conversation, personal satisfaction, friendships, having someone even occasionally say, "great job!!", etc. but when he comes home from dealing with all of the negatives that go with having a job, he doesn't want to hear that. He, like all men, picture our reality very differently than it actually is. They can't see the isolation, the tedious nature of doing the same thing over and over every day, never-ending nature of it, or the total lack of appreciation for a job well done. They never will. You will make yourself bitter and angry if you expect it. It's like dealing with your child. They will never know the work, worry and sacrifice that goes into raising them until they have one of their own. So we have to accept that part and move on.

You can always try going away for a weekend and leaving him with the baby and the house, give him a little time "on the job" if you think it would open his eyes. Even if you don't think it would help him, it would certainly help you!!

Jess

2 things - yes, my husband did this cause he was scared poopless about getting laid off or fired and the sole sorce of income is out the door. It was a very scarey thing for him to get use to. YOur husband is also a brand new dad and that might be playing with his mind a little. That he is respondsible for this little baby is such a strong feeling. Men don't admit it, but the scare easily! Sit him down and tell him to talk to you! The MOST important thing during the 1st few months/years of having a new baby is communication!!!

2nd - You need to get into a Moms Club of some sort. You will find other stay at home moms that will be able to help you with things like this. It will also show your husband that ppl DO stay at home these days! www.momsclub.org is a start!!

GOOD LUCK!!!

My husband and I go through the same thing. We've been dealing with it for 3 years. It seems to be human nature for each person to focus on the negative things in their life than to focus on the positive. And it seems to be easier to focus on our own situations rather than someone else's. I think if we could each find the positives of the "whole picture" than we could understand that each person's role is equally important and should be appreciated by the other. SAHMs obviously have some perks that our working husbands don't - maybe some flexibility, playtime, we can stay in our pj's all day sometimes. But they get to go to the bathroom alone. They get to sleep throughout the night. They get to have intelligent conversations with well-spoken adults. There are pros and cons to each side. Some things you could try are scheduling one night a week to hand the baby off to your husband so you can have some quiet time. Plan fun things for the two of you to do when you put the baby to sleep. Delelgate (or discuss) chores that your husband can do to contribute to maintaining the house (he lives there too and helps create the mess). Take a few minutes everyday to discuss the good and the bad of the day. If all else fails maybe you can rent Mr. Mom and watch it with him or sing the country song "Mr. Mom" (Lonestar) to him. Good luck!

WOW!!! I thought I posted this! I am 28 and a SAHM and I have two girls 3 and 5. I too told my husband, even before we got married (7 years ago), that I wanted to stay home with any future children. He was all for that. I had a job when we got married and I continued to work until my first born was about 6 months old. I quite because he refused to help me out (Getting up with the baby and such).
I did give him a second chance and headed back to work. But, I got pregnant with my second daughter (she had colic and it was really tough caring for her and a 2 year old) and agian he would not help. Guess what... I quit again and I have not worked since. He keeps asking me if I am going to get a job when my youngest one is in kindergarden. I told him that I intend on going back to college and if he does not like it there is the door. I was tired of being hounded day after day.
We have a job....taking care of our kids and house. What our husbands don't understand is that our job is constant. We never get a day off or vacation.
There are others who prefere to be a SAHM and I am one of them. Don't let him guilt you into something that you don't want to do (like I did). Stay at home with your son and enjoy it, unless circumstances change and you have to have a job for financial reasons.

Hi B.. Maybe if you are having trouble telling him how these comments make you feel, you could write him a letter. Sometimes this makes more of an impression on men. Also this gives you a chance to analyze everything you have written to be sure none of it comes off in a snide or bitter way. Tell him that you thought this was a decision that you made together, but if he is regretting that, it needs to be discussed. Good Luck!

Hi B.,
Sad to hear about your situation.
I was told that just as much as a newborn changes a mother's life, it changes a father's life too. Some are not good at expressing their feelings and so end up sending mixed messages.
I'm sure he feels left out because he is out all day and when he gets home you are still busy with the baby - he doesn't get your 100% attention like he used to before the baby.
I haven't gone through this even though I am SAHM too but I sometimes found my husband lost, he looked like he didn't fit in so we decided he should take care of the baby for a while when he gets home. That helped him get busy and join us.
I believe your husband will forget about how lucky you are for being a SAHM, if he can get some time with the baby. It will sure keep him busy. And after that, try to give him your undivided attention, even for a few minutes when your son is playing by himself.
It's all about connecting.
Also, we SAHMs tend to feel guilty for not contributing into our families' budgets. Sometimes a slight mention of who is bringing in money to the family makes us feel horrible.
Good luck.

I know exactly what you mean. He would make comments about how I got to stay home and play on the computer and watch movies in my jammies all day while he went to work. There was rudeness about how the house wasn't clean enough even though I should have all day to clean it. Then he took just one day and took over for me so I could have a break. He straightened the living room several times, and realized that the child and cat trashed the house all day. Yes, the cat makes messes too. And that makes it harder for me to even want to clean. It turns out that he is jealous and would like to stay at home.

We did make the decision for me to stay home together for several reasons. Whenever he gets on his kick, I remind him about those reasons (all valid), and also that our daughter wouldn't be the same child if she was being raised in daycare. She wouldn't be nearly as advanced, and a good portion of her would actually have been lost because she wouldn't have received the same attention that she needs. That always shuts him up, right after he says "You're right."

I have never had this problem, but what I would do if my husband did say things like that is agree with him. When he says you are lucky...say "Yes I am and I really appreciate your hard work that allows me to stay home" or "yes, I am glad WE made this decision, I can't imagine someone else rasing OUR child" or "I am lucky and it saves so much money not paying for daycare and the hassles of getting them there and picking them up and getting sick more often, etc". You ARE lucky to be able to stay at home and you shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. He is working hard in order for you to stay home and just remind him that you appreciate it. Most husbands will never truely appreciate what we SAHM do, but we should still appreciate what they do in order for us to it. What is the saying..."Kill them with Kindness". It usually works with my husband when he is testy about something (: Also, if you say something nice to him, it may open the door for a more civil conversation about the whole thing. It is okay for him to feel resentful, but he needs to express it in a better way and talk through it. Sometimes I envy my husband getting to go to work and get out of the house and talk with other adults and use his brain, etc. I wish we could trade once in awhile, but we can't. You both have to try and understand each others frustrations and the only way to do that is to talk about them. Good luck....and know that you are doing what is best for your child, no matter what he thinks! We both will be blessed by you staying home.
A.