I am struggling a little with this.
It seems that lately, like for the last several months or so, my son has been crying an awful lot. He's 4 1/2, by the way. And you are probably thinking he's just tantruming, but I don't know that that's really it. Yes, he'll cry at times if he doesn't get his way, but I also don't give in to that, so he's not crying because he knows he'll get his way if he persists.
It seems to me that he is just really going through an over-sensitive phase, where the slightest thing can bring him to tears, and often, once he's upset, he has a hard time settling back down.
Some examples of this:
*While playing dodge ball at a friend's birthday party, he was hit with the ball, and should have stood to the side until the teams switched sides - well, he was so upset that he got out (he was not hurt, btw, I was standing there watching), that he went around the corner and cried. None of the other kids were crying when they got out. It's just the game. I will say that he was the youngest at the party, the next youngest being 6, so maybe maturity had something to do with this one? Just accepting the rules of the game, not everyone wins, etc. I have explained this to him about games (while not in a crying spell), but he still doesn't seem to be ok with it.
*Cried at the pumpkin farm - school field trip - because he wanted to ride the see saw, and didn't have anyone in the immediate vicinity to ride with. I suggested going to a friend and asking them to come ride with him, but he just seemed distraught that no one was there to ride with him. Eventually, he did hook up with a friend, and they did ride, but in the moment when there was no one around, he was heart broken.
*Cried at a trick-or-treating event where they had a costume contest, and some kids got trophies. And he didn't. There were probably 100 kids there, and maybe 8 trophies, so it was not in any way like he was singled out, but he desperately wants a trophy. I have explained he has to win one, but that doesn't appease him. He was incolsolable on this one, calling himself a "loser" which makes me furious. I have since forbidden him to use that word in reference to himself or anyone else.
*Cried at a birthday party where some of the older boys had brought play guns (UGH, I know) with them, and all the kids were running around the yard playing. Well, my son wanted a turn with one of the guns. He had gotten one that someone dropped, but the kid wanted it back (it was his) and was physically trying to pull it from my son, who was now holding on for dear life. I made him let go - I couldn't force someone else's child to share, and my son just sat and cried. I threatened to leave the party if he couldn't get it together, but in the meantime, another child told the boy with the gun to let my son try it, and he did. So in the end, they did share with him, but I was prepared to leave if my son couldn't get it together.
So you can see that I am not giving in to his whims, thus causing him to cry for what he wants, but I can't seem to get him to stop doing it either. I am worried that if he doesn't knock this off, he's going to put off other kids (and parents), and alienate himself from other kids who are not crying over these little things. I talk to him when he's not crying, trying to explain to him that we dont' cry about every thing that doesn't go our way. We can make choices about how we respond to things. We can choose to do something else. We can to wait for a turn. We can choose to come to mommy for a hug. Etc., etc. etc. I have told him ways to try to calm down once he gets started. But it isn't working. And we do LOTS of wonderful, fun things, we have a wonderful bond, and he has a very loving and caring family who gives him tons of positive attention. Any thoughts?
Just to make this already too long post even longer, another concern I have, and this is my overly analytical mind going here, is that depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and addiction issues (and probably other undiagnosed mental health conditions) are rampant in my son's father's family. So I am constantly evaluating my son's behavior for being 'abnormal'. I'm so worried that he's going to develop depression that I am hypersensitive to any behavior that might suggest that his coping skills are breaking down, or that he's not able to handle things like other kids do.
Any thoughts? I just love my son so much it hurts. And I need some perspective on this. And for those who asked, he has lots of opportunities for socialization. This is his second year in preschool (3 days a week for 2.5 hours/day - where he is a perfect angel), he takes soccer class, swim class, and has a close friend who we do playdates with, and cousins he sees regularly. No lack of socialization.
Thank you all for your kind words, reassurances, and suggestions. I do feel somewhat better, although I'm still a little baffled by how to change his behavior. I know I can't change his feelings, necessarily, but I'd like to somehow teach him to deal with his disappointment and frustration in a more behaviorally acceptable way. That's not to say that crying isn't ever acceptable, certainly it is. If he's hurt, or doesn't feel well, is over-tired and cranky, or if he's really sad or experienced some truly tear-worthy disappointment.
But last night, at soccer class, he came to the fence where I was standing, teary-eyed, about to lose it, saying that he really wanted a "score", meaning he wanted to score a goal. So I affirmed what he was saying, that I know he really wants a goal, swiftly encouraged him to run back out to play and try real hard to kick the ball between the cones (all while wiping a tear and trying to avoid the total breakdown), and shooed him back out to the field. Well, Praise Jesus, he scored a goal, and I saw it, and gave him a big cheer, thinking, "whew, he'll be ok about the 'goal' now." Well, a few minutes later, he's coming toward the fence again, almost in tears again, and I'm asking what's up, and he says,"I really wanted to score more goals! I'm no good at soccer!" So, I'm thinking, are you kidding me? Seriously? I thought we had 'won' this one, but here he is, now in tears because he did score a goal, but one wasn't enough? So I again, as unemotionally as I could, shooed him back out onto the field, saying, "you just keep trying - you're doing great!" So when class was over, he came off the field, began to cry, and cried half the way home because he wanted to score more goals. I told him that it was wonderful that he made a goal. And not all the kids made a goal. And that he'll have lots more chances to score goals. He was saying again that he is no good a soccer, and that the other kids were better than him - which they are NOT. They are all little, and learning. One or two older boys are a little better, but all in all, they are about all the same. So I kept telling him that they are all just learning, everyone has their good plays, and everyone will have chances to score goals. ??????????????????????
See what I mean? I'm going to try my darndest to stay sane through this... and not to lose my temper with him for being overly emotional. I know that is probably the worst thing I could do, but I have to admit that it is hard sometimes. I am going to try some of your suggestions, namely validating his feelings, even if they are illogical, I am going to try to let him nap if he'll have one (I used to prefer he didn't nap because he'd be up too late at night with trouble falling asleep, but I do sometimes feel that he is much more prone to losing it when he's tired - a no brainer, huh?), and I will continue to try to allow him to experience his disappointments, and teach him that it's ok to not have things go our way all the time... I think that may be a small contributing factor to his current problem, that we may have sheltered him from disappointment a little too much, so that now, he isn't coping well with it. Oh, and he is scheduled for allergy testing next month, not because of this issue - he's peanut allergic, and who knows what else, so we're testing, but I'll definitely be thinking about his behavior with regard to any recommended food changes, etc.
Again, thank you all for responding to this post... I will let you know how things go...
Sounds like you are doing a great job mama! Some kids are just more sensitive than others, especially in social situations. Just keep using these times as teaching/coaching moments and I'm sure he'll be fine. 4 is such a strange age for kids. They aren't toddlers anymore, but not quite a big kid. He's trying to figure out how the world works, and it's a big world! He sounds very normal to me. :)
My oldest son is 4 1/2 and does the same thing. I think it's a phase a lot of kids go through at this age. He cries about EVERYTHING! Drives me nuts! I just calmly try to tell him when there's no justification for his crying that he needs to stop, we don't get everything we want when we want it, etc. I do think it's normal from what I've seen out of other kids. I think 4 is interesting because they look like older kids instead of babies at 4 but I think their minds and emotions are still VERY baby-ish, so sometimes it doesn't compute so easily when we see our rough and tumble 4 year old big boys dissolve into tears constantly -but I do think it's normal.
L.,
He's a normal little boy! Relax. He's fine. Four is an age where they begin to see that there's a wide world out there and the sun doesn't always rise and set for them alone!
Some kids are just more sensitive and that's OK. My son was a lot like that. It gets better as they get more experience expressing themselves and standing up for themselves. My son was (is) always a little more analytical and over-thinking. He was never the kind of kid to push a truck around saying "vroom-vroom" for hours without a care in the world like some kids do! LOL
He a thinker--and an observer and it sounds like your son might be similar. He's FINE!
All you can do is reinforce things like "no O. wins all the time" Get a few books that deal with the fact that even great athletes lose sometimes. Or similar stories about how people though Einstein was unteachable and a dullard. Help him to embrace diversity in people by pointing out strength and weaknesses in everyone!
None of these incidents sound that abnormal to me. He may just be a sensitive soul. Crying may be his coping method. Maybe he is just a little immature. In each of these incidents it simply sounds like he is upset that he isn't getting what he wants at the time....he didn't want to be out, he wanted a trophy, he wanted to ride, he wanted the gun. I would continue not to give in to his whims...I imagine he'll grow out of the crying phase. He is just trying to figure out how the world works and how to cope.
A lot of kids go through this at this age. Sounds like you are doing the right things, but its going to take some time and maturity for his behavior to change.
What is your reaction when he goes running around the corner crying? Do you go after him and tell him to stop or do you ignore it? I would encourage you to ignore it (if you aren't already) and let him work it out for himself.
Disappointment can be hard to deal with at 4 1/2, by the time he's 6 he'll be able to handle it better.
There is a listening method that uses validation which helps sensitive kids. Validation lets the child feel what they are feeling. Listen to their feelings and needs and empathize, even if you don't agree with it. In the example of not winning a trophy, we logically know that there's only 8 trophies and 100 kids, so we're naturally inclined to say There's only 8 trophies, honey, not every one can win. Logic doesn't work with sensitive kids that are overwhelmed with feelings. Instead - feel what they are feeling (whether logical or not, it's their feeling at the moment so you need to validate it, even if you don't agree with it). You might say, I can understand why you would be upset about not winning. You worked really hard on your costume and those trophies are pretty cool. I would be disappointed, too. Your son might share more feelings then or you could ask him Which kids would you give the trophy to - which are your 8 favorite costumes? (Of course boundaries still apply if he's being disruptive.) There is a book called "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Lundberg that describes this communication technique. I wouldn't want you to over-worry the mood disorders on his father's side but I do think people can be predisposed to emotional sensitivity so a validating environment would be essential. I can see you are a very loving mom - it's great that you are seeking perspective on this.
Well I have girls so I may have no place in offering advice here but what you describe seems pretty normal to me.....If I remember correctly 4's were awful...granted I had girls and granted I had twin girls at that-lol! I just remember everyone always telling me things would get better when they were 2 then 3 then 4 then 5 then 6 and so on. Mine are about to turn 8 and they still whine and they still break down with these crying episodes you describe. It really gets on my last nerve. I can handle just about anything but when the whining and crying starts in especially the age they are at where they KNOW better it really causes me to go loco-seriously! You are not alone momma and all I can say is it does get less and less so I am hoping by the time they reach 20 they will have completely outgrown it-lol!
get him tested for allergies. get him a thorough medical exam. not just the doc looking at him and saying hes fine do blood test and etc. I am guessing not on bipolar my brother and mom are bipolar and they have a very very hot temper when not on medication. depression maybe but I would think its more of a not knowing how to interact with other kids his age and he gets fustrated. if he isnt in any extra carricular activities I would find him some. even if its the park to intermingle with other kids. is he in day care if not I would check into it so he can learn socialization skills
My youngest SS was exactly this way, at this age...he needed to nap! Does your son still nap?
Out of all 6 boys in my family, this one just needed more sleep or he would be exactly how you described above with your son...
Just a thought...
My son went through the same thing too when he was a little guy. I would often play games with him. Naturally at many of the games we would play I would win. He learned how to be a gracious looser and winner. He is now 16 and plays sports. It does get better with time but you have to teach him how to handle disappointment and to not be discouraged when things don't go your way. Keep up the good work you have been doing by being so incredibly observant.
He sounds pretty normal and this is a communication thing going on. He hasnt figured out how to make things work for him so he cries instead.
This is a good time to do role playing at home and do some make believe scenarios that have been similar to the ones that he has cried about. Maybe you can reroute him if he learns how to get what he wants without just giving up and crying instead.
