Trophies for Kids

I don't mind a participation medal or ribbon or something like that, but the top performers need to be rewarded above and beyond for their performance. They performed the best, they get the big trophies.

I personally do not agree with trophies/medals for all. Sometimes you win, sometimes you do not, that's life. What happens when they fail in real life?
Just saying. How about "great job." OMG I take my granddaughter to the park and ever other phrase out of these Moms mouth is " great job." Every little thing their kid does is great, same as trophies for everyone. Think we are doing kids a disservice .

As a kid (SOOO many years ago), I sucked at just about everything. To this day, I have no discernible talent. I tried everything, tried out for everything, and was never good enough at anything to move beyond well-meaning participant. In second grade, I had the best penmanship. That turned out to have been the highlight of my achievements to date.

I always treasured the little trophies and ribbons given to everyone at the end of the swim/soccer/basketball/volleyball/piano/school/dance/cheer/etc season. I knew other kids were getting the "real" thing - actual awards based on their individual achievements - but it was nice to know that at least the fact I was there was noticed by someone, even if it wasn't really personal. I was lucky enough to be part of some winning teams and understood what it was like to win, but most of the time, I was still the loser on the team, not the one that made anything happen.

Today, I am a runner. I am not a good one. I am slow. I have no stamina. My form is an embarrassment when I see it in photos. I go out for 25+ miles each week. I enter up to 20 races each season. I read the magazines, try the gear, work with others that are way better than me to learn and always do my best. Yet my running still resembles walking (er...lumbering) more than it should.

I will never win a race.

I will never finish in the top 10, even in my own age category. Unless, maybe, only 9 people enter.

I will never look like an elite runner.

I started barely being able to go any distance and am now running my third half-marathon in 9 months in just 6 days.

I keep every single one of the medals they give to everyone just for crossing the finish line.

It's all I have.

It helps.

ETA
I've given this some more thought and my initial remarks are exactly what I wanted them to be. But I think what your question sparks in me is more than the new culture of "it's ok not to win" but that of the disappearance of "it's ok to win."

I am forever irked by leagues that don't keep score, schools that don't "grade", coaches bashed for asking their players to try, parents outed for cheering towards victory. I see more and more kids asked to hide their success in order to make someone feel better. Winning has become almost shameful or boastful.

I am not a winner, in the traditional sense.

But that doesn't mean someone else can't be either.

I realized I couldn't change the fact that my kids would get a medal or trophy for showing up, but I always told them that I felt it was because they worked hard and gave their best.

It's hard to see your child upset and too many parents don't realize that this is a part of them growing up and maturing. We need to tell them that we understand why they are upset, and let them be upset for a little while. Then later, tell them how proud we are of them that they did their best. Kids need to learn that feeling good about doing their best is what is important. Too many people today will only work hard at a job if they get paid a good salary. There seems to be less and less pride in doing their best when the job is a lower paying job or they are getting less than they feel they deserve.

I heard a guy say, "Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child." I wish all parents would hear that and take that to heart. The path in life is a rough one and many kids are not prepared for it.

I would have diminished the medal and go with the original lecture.

Your story illustrates exactly why everyone wins makes everyone losers. What he felt was not success but they made it not feel like failure as well. It is nothing but if done enough it feels normal.

Part of what makes success feel so good is you don't have to feel failure, ya know? You push yourself to win not to be oh I am the winner!! so much as you don't have to be the loser. Over time being a loser every now and then doesn't make you feel like poop anymore because you know if you work harder you will win.

I think the biggest problem with everyone wins is that happiness becomes an external function. You have no control over your happiness. If there aren't extra medals you aren't happy, if there is you are. Nothing makes anyone feel hopeless and depressed as not having control over your own happiness. Then we wonder why there is this huge rise in depression in teens and young adults....

I get what you're saying A., I really do.
But I think this is an instance if people perhaps thinking too much.
T-Ball. 5 year olds.
No score is kept.
But I can assure you that every Kindergarten kid leaving the field knows the EXACT score. And knows which was the better team. And who were the best players. The best hitters. The best fielders.
So when they get their obligatory "participation" token, they know who ARE the champs and who are not. Gotta give the kids some credit, right?
After all, your son, even after he got his medal, he wasn't deluded into thinking he was first, second, or even third right?

Ha! Yes, before we have children we know everything about parenting.. Hee, hee

I know what you are going for and you still can raise your son that way.

We always made sure our daughter enjoyed what she was participating in for extra curricular activities. We tried to follow her lead in this. If she showed an interest or a natural talent, we encouraged it.

For competitions we reminded her if she was on a "team" she needed to work hard, not only for herself but also for te team.

When she took ballet, we reminded her that her teacher was spending her time teaching her, so she needed to pay attention and try her best.

At school she knew this was her responsibility. She had to do the work herself. IF she needed help, or did not understand., she had a right to ask for help from any of us and we would gladly assist.

If she did her best and tried, we would be fine with that.

We also as a family admit our mistakes, we admit our failures and we admit, we do not know everything and that as long as we try our best, that is what we call success.

Not trying, not working to do our best and then complaining or blaming others is not acceptable.

We acknowledge, there are very few times we are absolutely going to be the very best in large or huge groups. So when we do win, or achieve very best.. This is a true honor.

Knowing what it feels like to be the last, worst or average.. is just as important as knowing what it feels like to be the winner or the very best.

It gives us empathy. A person that understands empathy, is ready to be an adult . Some people are in their 50's and have no empathy.. they see it as a weakness. And so they do not really care about others or understand what others are going through, worse of all, probably do not care.

That is where we as parents must be strong enough, to accept failure every once in a while with our children. It is not a reflection on us. It is that our child tried their very best, but this time there were others who were better. It is real life.

And so each day s the opportunity to show that a medal just for participating is nice, but it sure would be fun and be pround to be an ACTUAL best or at the top.

I think it's fine in the little ages. My son is 4 and he got a t-ball trophy yesterday. Around here, you stop getting "participation" trophies at 8. I see nothing wrong with that. I don't want it to be so competitive younger, anyway. The over 8 only get trophies if they win and place. After 8, I think kids REALLY begin to understand hard work, achieving goals, that you lose sometimes, and competition. Before then, I really think it's just about learning to be part of a team and participating. Younger kids getting trophies, whatever. it's the older kids I get concerned about. I do not agree with giving older kids participation trophies. I think that teaches nothing, at the age where they need to start learning places, pride, work, and goals. There are great lessons in winning and losing. I don't want kids to be immune from that. I fear for them, if they do.

I coach recreational competitive gymnastics. I think that for the recreation level it's important to reward going out there and trying your best. We give everyone something, but not everyone wins a medal. The kids stand on the podium according to the place they get, and believe me they KNOW! They know who won first and who won 5th. They know the difference, and there are plenty of kids who walk out crying because they won a ribbon, not a medal.

The next level up is the more serious competitive gymnastics and they do not give something to everyone. You either get a medal for 1-3rd place, a ribbon for 4-6th and nothing if you're 7th and beyond. Sometimes you get a bag of candy or a participation ribbon or certificate.

I definitely agree that we are moving toward an "everyone wins" kind of society, or dumbing things down so other kids "don't feel bad." I don't think that pushes us forward as a society, instead of encouraging high achievers we are rewarding mediocrity. You get what you reward! If you read up on Millineals, they have the highest self esteem of any generation, but they it's not based on anything real and as soon as they fail, they are shocked and some give up or don't know what to do. They also expect things to be handed to them, not "working their way up the corporate ladder."

True confidence comes from success. We need to teach our children that success comes from hard work, dedication and also one may have their OWN definition of success. First place exists, but that doesn't mean that a person's definition of success is first place.

My daughter has learned the most from her failures, not her successes. She is a great gymnast, but she hasn't always won first. She took the lower place finishes and learned what she needed to work on. Yes she cried a lot--we let her be upset and then brought her back into the gym to work harder. I'm proud to say she finished first for her level at State this year--but ONLY because she had all those setbacks along the way and she worked hard. I also have to say she's just as proud of her 5th place ribbon as her first place medal--because she knows she worked hard for both.

My daughter also did a karate tournament when she was younger and EVERYONE got a trophy. She was proud of the trophy at the time (she was only 6 years old) but she did not stand on the medal stand and get it--she got it as she was walking out. I will say that the karate trophy is NOT on her trophy/medal shelf. She knew the difference, and still does. The trophy just says "participant." I think she still has it, but is not PROUD of it like she is of her 1st, 2nd and 3rd place trophies.

I would also like to point out that there's no medal a the olympics for 4th place!!

I don't like trophies for all either, but I think it's nice to recognize everyone on the team for their effort. My son once had a baseball coach who gave the kids (at the end of season pizza party) personalized certificates that pointed out their strengths. For example, my son got the "hard hitter" award. I thought that was both appropriate and meaningful.

When I was growing up, I got a trophy at the end of every soccer and softball season (each kid on the team got one). It was a way of rewarding a season of hard work, regardless of actual accomplishment. I loved it and even now, looking back, see no problem with it. My son now also gets a trophy at the end of each season and I think it's great.

He also does swim meets. Ribbons are given out for first, second and third place. Rainbow ribbons are given to any swimmer who improves on their best time. Participant ribbons are given to anyone who swims but doesn't place in the top three. When you earn enough ribbons (of any kind), you earn trophies (15, 30, 50, 75, etc). Again, I think it's great to reward the kids for their hard work, even if they aren't always the best or the winners. They showed up, the tried their hardest and, hopefully, they had fun.

I don't see a problem with the way your son's Tae Kwon Do tournament was handled. Trophies for the winners, smaller prizes for the participants. I probably would have done ribbons instead of medals, but I don't think it's too bad that they gave medals. I totally see your point and can understand why you want to teach the lesson, but I do like the focus being on hard work rather than on winning.

In theory, I'm against them. But we are a very non athletic family. The promise of that end of season trophy was the only thing that kept my kids in for the season, even though it wasn't their thing.

Almost the exact same thing happened to us. My son is 5. He had done very well his previous karate tournaments but the most recent one there were kids who were in his age group and almost 7. He had no chance of placing. He still wanted a trophy but was happy with a participation medal. At that young of an age just getting something means a lot but when they get that the trophy, especially the big one, it is way more cool. In a couple weeks my son will get a small trophy for being in t-ball. No one wins or looses at this age, it's all about recognizing teamwork and good sportsmanship. I think the article is more about the how parents and society want everyone to be happy all the time. It's a fine line with a lot of grey area.

I can't stand the trophy for everyone business. I think the act of participating IS the reward. The children who get to take part in the competition are lucky. I remind my kids of this, they are blessed to have parents and a community who cares to volunteer time and spend money so that they may complete in a sport or activity they enjoy. If they win or do very well they may get a trophy but giving one to all the kids is ridiculous.

I think it takes away from the joy of doing something you love just for the fun of it and it gives kids a false sense of accomplishment. My youngest is heading into softball playoffs next weekend and as the starting pitcher this season you better beleive she wants to win. This time of year she eats, sleeps and dreams softball. There is no OBJECT on earth that will sooth a loss or make winning the championships more sweet. That's the joy and struggle of competition and we should never do anything to rob our kids of that.

You boy's charater is far from ruined, sounds like you'll help him figure all this stuff out in time. For years we had a huge box of gold plastic in our garage but my kids still know how to win and lose gracefully.

I don't think there is anything wrong with rewarding everyone for coming out and participating. In the situation you described the top performers were rewarded for their hard work. The kids who received participation awards knew they hadn't won, but they were acknowledged. Some kids are never going to win, but it is still great that they keep coming out and trying. They deserve to be acknowledged for that much. If everyone who competed walked away with the same reward, then sure, everyone is a winner and there is no reason to work harder to achieve more. I do believe in not keeping score and rewarding all players equally at very young ages, when kids are just supposed to be learning the game and developing skills, like in mini-soccer.

My son won a second place trophy in divisional French public speaking. The following year he didn't place in the top three and only received a participation medal. He was quite devastated, cried all the way home, but it was nice to have the medal to show he had made it as far as he did.

I think helicopter parenting is a lot worse for kids than rewarding kids for participating.

Trophies for everyone are overkill, and water down actual success.

And Debi -- You do have a discernable talent, other than running -- you're a good writer.

I think it's okay to reward everyone. In my dd's gymnastics meets, they all get a participation ribbon, but they get to stand on the podium in the order they placed and their ribbon shows which place they got.

I think sometimes it's good to give everyone something because some kids just aren't every going to be as good as the "winners" and they should get something for trying even if it isn't the high placed medals or ribbons.

Great question! I probably would have felt/done the same as you. I like Bug's answer in that age matters. Little ones might not understand the same way as older kids do. I don't agree that everyone should get a trophy, but I also think that participating in sports, plays, or competitions of any sort is pretty risky... as parents/teachers/authorities, we want to encourage kids to take healthy risks like that so they avoid the unhealthy ones (eg drugs, ditching, sex, etc). If receiving a certificate or something that acknowledges how tough it might be to try something and fail, I'm all for it.

I'm not a fan of trophies and medals for everyone. I think it tells the non-winners that they are just as good as everyone else, and makes the winners feel that they are no more special than anyone else. Look at your son. It meant as much to him to lose as to win, as long as he came out of it with some kind of trinket. It's another form of materialism, rather then your accomplishment being enough, you need a trophy, whether you win or lose. To me, trophies for the non-winners are like the goodie bags for the uninvited siblings who show up at birthday parties.
These kids are not learning that down the line, there will only be one lead in the HS musical, one goalie on the varsity field hockey team, and that the college you really want to go to is NOT going to accept you if your ACT or SAT scores are not high enough, and they don't give a consolation ribbon if you don't get that acceptance letter.
I remember one year when my son was still in Cub Scouts. Another boy, a tiger scout (first year) cried and didn't want to continue with scouts after he didn't win the Pinewood Derby. Really? He expected out of a pack of 40+ boys including some with 4 years experience, he was going to win? When you do win, it should feel different than when you don't - my son is now turning 14. He did the Pinewood Derby 5 years. Four of his cars are packed away. The fifth, and his trophy for winning the derby that year, are still displayed in his room. One winner, one trophy.