Sooo....some of you may have read that my daughter and I are having problems with another mother/daughter, mainly due to the fact that this Mom & daughter have control issues. Both my daughter and I are confused because we haven't done anything wrong or mean -- yet we are on the receiving end of the emotions that this mother/daughter don't know how to deal with.
I just received an email last night from the Mom wishing us Happy Holidays -- after hearing nothing for a long time and blowing us off time after time. How do I respond?
I feel that it is time to let her know that I am unhappy with the way things are between us. I want this Mom to know that my daughter is struggling to understand why her friend is hot or cold. We don't know if we have done anything to offend them or not. Are they jealous that we have lives outside of them? Yes, 100%. So in turn, they ignore us until they get over themselves. And then we are briefly in the picture. I just can't play this game anymore!!
For 2012 I want a new start. This kind of silly stress isn't worth it. What do I say....without burning my own bridge? We won't be able to completely avoid them since we are in the same neighborhood and school....
Thanks guys....you made me feel better! I did end of shooting back a quick email -- leaving it open to having a play-date if they are up for it since we will be around next week. We will see what happens.
In my original post about this situation I remembered that someone made the comment about how they felt bad for this Mom. Yes, I do feel bad for her. Perhaps that was why I was drawn to her in the first place....but somehow she ended up using me as a doormat...not because I let her but because she finally had someone by her side in public that gave her credibility. I am sorry that she isn't well received by others in our peer group -- but I hope some day she can come around and see that her flaws are not helping her or her daughter.
I see a lot of therapy in her daughter's future......
Thanks again for your supportive words.
Don't respond. Be cordial and friendly when you see them but otherwise, you probably need to let this friendship go. Good luck!
Politely wish her Merry Christmas back. Then have a conversation with her explaining that the hot/cold thing doesn't feel very good. See what she has to say, then go from there. If you decide to be less friendly, just do so gradually.
I would return an email saying "Thanks! You too!"
That's all. By continuing this relationship you are teaching your daughter that is is okay to be treated badly in a relationship that will carry over with her for the rest of her life. I would say enough is enough and not go out of my way to engage this family. If they call and want to get together then I would see if it interferes with any plans and if not then I might let them get together with both parents in attendance at some neutral place where either party can leave if they feel the need.
I would decide that if they were interested I would let the contact be minimal, by this I mean few and far between, in relationships some distance makes the heart grow fonder but when the distance is over a longer period of time then absence makes the heart forget them.
i agree with some of the other ladies. you can send a return "merry christmas to you too" and leave it at that. don't initiate ANY more interaction and if she does, just be polite then move on. start pulling away from this relationship. do NOT do anything else for/with her. sometimes there are people you just don't need in your life.
if it were me, I'd be short and quick with a simple "Merry Christmas to you guys too." and leave it at that.Cheryl is right that today is not the day to start airing out your emotions into writing.
I dunno. This is tough, as it is likely you want this friendship more for your daughter than for yourself?? Does your daughter value her friendship? Or is she ready to break off from her hot-cold friend/acquaintance.
You shouldn't say anything other than "thank you!! Merry Christmas to you and yours as well!!"
NOTHING else. Today is NOT the day for you to air your grievance.
Remember it takes 2 to tango - so NO ONE is EVER blameless....a roll of the eye, a sigh can be misconstrued and totally taken out of context. be the adult. If she runs hot and cold - make a decision to deal with her or not have her in your life. It's YOUR choice. YOU are the adult.
I would 1) ignore the greeting. That could mean anything from; you were just busy and didn't see it, to they aren't forgiven. It will be up to you when you feel like replying or being a little friendly. Or not.
or 2) I would give a super cool barely any words return greeting, like, "To you too" and nothing else. Again, leaving it in your court for when you feel like talking. Or not.
The problem with drama queens like this, is that if you speak your mind, you're "picking a fight when they've decided to play nice". Then she'll have the upper hand and ignore you again or start trouble. Just be aloof and let them wonder if you care anymore. Don't "try" to maintain the relationship. Just be indifferent and "not around much". You won't change their bad behavior, even if you talk to them about it.
Wish her happy holidays.
But from now on simply tell her 'I'm sorry we're busy' everytime she want to get together or chat. If you see them at a school function and they try to engage you in conversation, say 'I'm sorry we have to go busy busy'.
I have known a few people that act that way and now I simply don't deal with them. People can't take advantage of you without your permission.
You are putting way too much thought into this -just send a return email with merry Christmas or happy holidays to you. The other issues should be put off til after the holidays- don't let them spoil the holidays for you and your family.
This is NOT the time to let her know your deep feelings. In fact, if they are as emotional as you describe, it's probably never the time.
Simply respond with a polite like "Thanks! Hope you guys are having a fantastic holiday. All the best in the new year."
Then leave it alone. You won't get what you're looking for (an apology, a change in behavior, whatever) by confronting her. Just let it go and let them drift to the periphery of your lives. You'll be easy and pleasant when you see them, but stop letting it be so central in your day to day. This is a good time for your daughter to learn that not EVERYONE makes a good friend, and sometimes you just have to believe them when they show you they aren't nice!
If you engage her by telling her how you feel then you are inviting her back in. She will you how she feels. Then you will tell her how you feel. Then she will tell you how she feels. Then you will.....
This will only end if you stop needing the desire to "fix" things with her.
I just dated this. It doesn't end well. She is not going to change.
YOU need to change. By not engaging with her.
That mom doesn't care about your daughter struggling with this relationship. That mom doesn't care that you are unhappy with the hot and cold.
If you are really unhappy THEN WALK AWAY. Quietly. Don't cause a scene. Don't air your feelings. She doesn't care.
If you keep engaging, then you are asking to keep her in your life.
Just wish her happy holidays and go make new friends that value you and that treat you the way you want to be treated instead of trying to change someone who clearly doesn't think that much of you to begin with.
Just wish her Happy Holidays back to her/them again.
If you can't deal with the hot/cold, then in future be pleasant but distant.
Never be available to do anything with them.
Always wish them well and say you might get together again someday but then someday never comes.
Eventually everyone will move on to other circles of friends.
I know a M. and girl, now in 4th, who are just like this. I was tempted to confront them, but listened to others who convinced me to keep being nice. There is something wrong with the M. and her d.
I am glad I didn't go off on them, but I did make drastic changes in part to get away from these two. We switched schools and the girl started coming to our church. I couldn't believe it Then her M. started teaching my d's class, so we switched churches.
I drove myself nuts wondering what I did or didn't do. I am the kind of person everyone feels comfortable confiding in so others started asking me what her problem was, does she dislike them, etc. I knew it was not just me or us.
They have the problem and it is not you. Good luck dealing with this.
I hated every drama that I eventually realized always started with her d.
I did take moms advice and try to get my d to stand up, speak up, etc...
This girl just wasn't going to be nice and stable, no matter what.
I read you have to deal with them. I am sorry. I would be busy, busy, busy.
Well, not to be harsh, but it takes all kinds of people in this world..... yes, you and your daughter have not done anything to deserve this kind of treatment, and I would not encourage your daughter to TRY to be "friends" with her. It seems that this little girl doesn't know how to share friends... and as you said in your other post about the relationship, a friend doesn't "punish" you by ignoring you. The daughter is learning her behavior from her mother, and will end up as unhappy and stressed as she is.
Kids can have "friends" and "acquaintances" .. this girl (and her mother) may end up being "acquaintances" ..... someone you are friendly with, and cordial, but not one that you really have a relationship with. Being in the same neighborhood and school means that she will have to interact with her, but they don't need to be best friends.
The best thing at this point is to just return the Christmas e-mail with a generic e-mail, wishing her a wonderful holiday. Don't go out of your way to ignore or befriend her.... you don't need to justify your actions,. If the mother asks why the girls aren't friends anymore, just explain that her daughter seemed to snub her too many times, and your daughter didn't know why she was so unhappy.
just don't let it mean something. don't let it get to you. Maybe it has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do, maybe it's just the way they are as people. obvisouly you can't control them or their strange behavior but you can control how it makes you feel. I would just wish them a happy holiday and if your paths cross or you have a playdate requested by them don't drop everything to make it happen but if you have nothing better to do and want to hang out then go fo it. but keep you exspectations really really low or else just don't have any if possible, that way nothing will bug you because you won't expect them to be nice or do cetain things in the relationship.
If you don't plan to spend much time with them, but will have to see them, I would see no reason to respond in a way that will hurt feelings. either ignore the email or respond with a simple, "and a happy holiday to you as well" and just let it go.
i would wish them a merry christmas and happy hoilday's and leave it at that. from this post and i didn't read the other you wrote.my understanding is they were friends and you and the mom became friends .you have helped them alot in the past and feel used .when others have told you not they have some personal problems .i know a few people like this ,if you your daughter are not on talkng terms i would let it be. this is a chance to end the friendship.but you sound a lot like me they will call you or see you and wanna hang and then you go through the same thing you have in the past with them.i'm learning slowly ive gave up family members who are just like this ,and out of the blue they will call or come by like nothing never happen .but they are always wanting something ,i don't know if thats the case here ,but it does sound as if you should end it .
I wouldn't overthink it. I would just thank them for the kind wishes and send them a happy holiday wish in return. I wouldn't even leave an open-ended, "Maybe we can do something some time soon." If she asks, I would reply with, "I'll check my calendar and let you know if something opens up." Be kind, but keep your distance for a while.
I have not read your other post about this mom and daughter duo. But you mention nothing in here about specifics in on them being emotional. Maybe I need to read the other post, but if there is not concrete evidence of their emotions, can you just be reading into and deciding based on what you see how they feel. Maybe it is your own perception and totally not the case.
