When to Have #2?

they can either be friends or enemies. Mine are 3 and a half years apart and they fight like cats and dogs just like me and my brother did as young kids. It just depends on how they are raised. i think that is a perfect gap distance.

This is totally a personal decision but I have also been married for 3+ years...I have a 19 month old and am pregnant with #2. They are both boys and will be about 20 months apart. I am excited because I think they will be great friends and may be able to play on the same sports teams at times. I have read in recent magazines that doctors recommend waiting 18 months after giving birth to get pregnant again because having a baby takes so much out of your body. It's hard to say though because I know families with siblings close in age that hate each other and others that get a long very well. Sorry I know this isn't much help, but it's my situation.

Forgive me if I smile through this whole request-it's only because it hits me straight and hard.

I have three children, close to 2 years apart each. None, mind you, were expected or planned.

My brother is 8.5 years younger than me, and we are only two siblings in the family. Having traveled a lot, we never became close to our cousins, nor did we have permanent friends (except the few that stayed in touch through the years).

I certainly didn't know what I was doing when I started having children, as my brother was raised by my grandmother who lived with us. Technically, I was raised by my parents.

It's good to hear that you and your husband want another child. Having been an only child for 8.5 years, I can tell you how lonely it can be as a child in an adult world, despite the material endowments or replacements. Even after my brother was born, our age gap put us in two distinct generational interests and associations. Only now are we catching up with each other and actually becoming friends-and I'm 43. We are so extremely diverse.

Now, I am watching my three grow up together, fairly close in age. While I have to admit it is challenging, it actually prepares them for the big wide world-far better than I believe I was. They almost share the same friends, or their friends' siblings, prep each other for events that one had gone to before the other, etc. They have teamwork.

The challenge of having them close is primarily financial-which can be resolved through various means. The best challenge is when they team up against you, trying to cover for who took that last doughnut you wanted...

I get gasps when people hear I have three, and "how do you do it..." I tell them that I did have them one at a time...

While you are still young, I'd cast caution to the wind at this point, barring any marital objections, health issues, and any major stumbling blocks. I started my family when I was 25. While I wanted to start at 30-35 for career reasons, I've found that I'm enjoying my children as walking, talking variations of me, and themselves. I dont' think I'd have it any other way if I had to do it again.

This is really up to you and nobody can tell you one way or the other. They say 2.5-3 years is best, but my nieces are this distance and fight like cats and dogs. My children are very close, ages: 10, 9, 8, and 6 and they get along great, except the two middles ones. My daughter and middle son also fight like cats and dogs. This may be a birth order thing, or maybe they are at that tough distance apart. I don't know. My oldest and youngest get along great and my two youngest get along great and my oldest and third get along great. The only combination that doesn't work are the two middle ones. My mom had the opposite...My two older brothers did not get along and I don't get along with my oldest brother the best. Of course, the age difference was a bit different, but still. Like I said, nobody can really answer this question for you but you. If you are ready, do it! Your son will adjust and might enjoy being a big brother.

N.,

To answer your question, my children are 6 1/2 years apart and have a great relationship with each other. They still play together and yet have their own personal time too. My brother and I are also 6 1/2 years apart and have always gotten along real well. I don't remember a lot of fighting growing up.

On the other hand, my friend has 4 children who are all 2 years apart in age. They all play together nicely as well, although there are times when jealousy plays a part.

No matter what the age difference of your children, they will get along at some times, and other times they won't.

K. (in Beaverton)

I would go for it. I have a 6 mo old and 16 year old.....I raised the 16 yo by myself, needless to say, it was alot of work. I want to have another soon (within the year) so that my little boy has a playmate. My daughter is like a 2nd mom instead of a sibling. I am an older mom(40) and money is a concern, I am a nail tech. Nonetheless, I know that 2 is actually easier than 1. I now know that you love the 2nd as much as the 1st, it's just different....as I'm sure the 3rd will be. Follow your heart, YOU have to want it. I don't know how you feel about this, I would just pray about it....
Good Luck making your decision.
G.

Well I have a almost 2 1/2 yr old and a 6mo. old and I will not lie...it is...challenging. Neither one were planned, but loved all the same. My mother had my brother and I four years apart, the same with my husband and his brother, and I think that that is a good gap. When the second arrives, the oldest will be getting ready for school and you'll have time for the second. My 2 1/2 yr old is still not okay with having to share his mommy and my daughter can sometimes 'get the shaft' because she has learned to be content with a smaller amount of attention. When you're ready to have a second, you'll know. But the best I can say is even though you might not want a second, think about the child. When you and your husband pass away (many years from now), an only child then is left with themselves and must grieve and handle the rest of life alone, but a sibling would help alot.

N.,
When it comes down to it, there is always a little hesitation in having an additional child. You're a mom, you worry. There are some things that are much easier after the first time and lots of new challenges.

Our two oldest children are 15 months apart - which I have to say is too close together. We are expecting our third at the end of January and I must say that we are really happy with the timing. Our oldest is 5 and the current youngest will be 4 in a few weeks. I think in having at least around 2 or 3 years gives you time with your first baby before having another. I think anything more than 5 years or so and it's like starting over again.

I am the youngest of 9 children and while all the older children are very close in age, there is a 10 yr gap between myself and my older sister. We are the best of friends as adults, but this was no always the case.

I wouldn't be in a rush to have another, you do have time. Enjoy the time with your son a little while longer. Around 3 or 4, they start becoming good little helpers and take on a little more independence. While it never removes the worry of making sure you give each child enough attention, it will help some.

Well, we decided that a good way for us to measure whether or not we should go for baby#2 was to wait and see how long it would take for our daughter to potty-train. We didn't want to have two in diapers. Our daughter (who is now 2 1/2) was potty-trained in late April/early May (more quickly than we expected!) and I found out I was pregnant in June! These things have a way of working themselves out, I guess.

As far as your age goes, I wouldn't use that as the measuring stick as to when to have your kids. If you're young now, you have plenty of time so do it at your own pace. Emjoy it.;)

As far as your kids being friends, well, I don't think it really matters how much space is in between them as to whether or not they will be close. Sure, the closer they are in age, the more likely they are to be doing things they have in common together but, as long as kids are from a close-knit family, their chances of being close in the future are very good.

If you have any other questions or anything, please feel free to let me know. Sounds like your son and my daughter are pretty close in age so we may be going through some of the same things!

I understand your pain completley. I have two little girls, my first whom is now 7 (8 in November)was unexpected, and is also a total joy aside from the normal issues we have. When she was about 4, my husband I started trying for number 2, we'd get excited and start trying and when I didnt get pregnant in a few months, I'd stop trying. I finally came to the conclusion that I wansnt ready. 2 years later our daughter being 5 (turning 6, 4 months after babies arrival) we finally had no barriers, no worries, and we were ready. I was pregnant the first month we tried. Our second daughter has been nothing but pure joy from the time she was concieved. The pregnancy, the baby shower, the birth, everything was everything I ever dreamed of.. and it was my choice, when I was ready which I believe has bonded her and I immensly.
I guess bottom line for me was, it had to be when I felt ready in my heart, my life, and my soul. I just knew it was time. Our kids are adorable together. Our baby, now two... loves her big sister. She would much rather spend time with her sister and other older children than children her own age. We have had no problems. There is the occasional jelousy from our oldest about the attention the baby gets, and she often reminds us of the things she wasnt allowed to do that the baby is. I dont think that age difference stops that no matter what the distance. You always learn with the first and try new things with the second.... Do it when your heart tells you it's time. It won't lie. If you feel the maternal instinct to do it now, go for it and good luck. If not, wait until you are ready. You are the one who has to stick it out for 9 months and beyond. I don't believe there is any right or wrong age or time frame to have another child. If you want another one and can provide for them and love them, then it could be 10 years from now, who cares, it's a gift of love, there is no time frame.....

My husband wants a third, so I'm going through it all again. I understand......

I have two kids and we struggled to make the dissicion to have a second, for the same reason you are. We decided that if we wait tell we feel we are financially ready we will never be. Because no matter how far you move up people always think they can do better, that its not good enough yet. I say if you heart is telling you that you should. And there is some breathing room in your budget go for it. Because remember you have 9 months to plan for it, and thats if you get pregnant right away.

My daughter is almost 2 (June 4th) and we are currently ttc #2 (will be his first).I believe it's just something u have to decide w/ your husband. Theres no reason to just get it all outta the way while your young.U could wait a couple more years and be fine, I'm sure.I would like my kids someone closer in age then I and my siblings where in hopes they get along better.I'm the oldest and my brother is 4 years younger and I and our sister is 4 yrs younger then he, making her 8 years younger then I.I remember tmes when we were growing up that we would get along great and others where terrrible...but now that we're adults and both kinda going our own ways to fullfil what we want in life we get along a bit better.

N.
I am also a young mom I am 23 I have a 3 year old and an 18month old and we are working on number 3. I have an age differnece of 5-12 years with my brothers and it is very hard to have a relationship with then. My girls are 19 months apart and they are the best of friends. Maybe partly because they are both girls but if the baby got into trouble she runs to her big sister for comfort and the same if my oldest gets into trouble. Don't get me wrong its challenging but in the end I think that it's good to have them closer.
But in the end it is up to you and your husband to figure out what you want!!
Good Luck
A.

I don't think there is ever a perfect time wwhere you won't have any doubts. For me we have a three year age gap and it has been wonderful. My older child is so helpful: getting me diapers, waiting until I am finished feeding the baby to receive another glass of juice, able to do things for herself-get into the carseat, go to the bathroom, etc. All of these things are huge pluses in my book. As for whether or not children with a larger age gap can be friends, I know from experience this can happen, but it might take time. My sister is five years older than I am and I consider her my best friend. We don't go more than two days without a phone call (of at least an hour). Now that we are both moms we have a stronger bond than ever before. Were we friends as kids? Well I idolized her and she put up with me...most of the time. I cannot imagine my childhood or my life without her.

My boys are 20 months apart and I love it. It was difficult at times when both of them were babies and wanted all of the attention, but well worth it now because they have their best friend right there to play with all the time. Their fights are fights but you will have that no matter how close or far apart they are. It is totally your decision, but it isn't as scary as you would think! Good luck

N.
Yes kids can be friends that are spaced, in fact I have talked to many doctors that say 3-4 years is best for spacing so that they can each feel that have had that special time and the older one can feel like they can help with the younger.

We are just starting to try for our second and my daughter is going to be 4 next month.

S.

I'm the youngest of four syblings, and there's a fourteen year gap between me and my youngest. I;m very close to her, althought the relationship has never felt like that of sisterly love. On the other hand I've never felt close to the other two syblings. I grew up with nieces that were my age and I kind of viewed my mother as a grandmother and my sister as a mother. I dont there's anything wrong with little gap, but I wouldnt do anything too extreme. Not to mention, it would have to be hard to find things to do together as a family if you have a large gap. Think about when you were five. Would you have wanted to play with baby toys? probably not. I would just take that kind of stuff in to consideration

N.:
This has to be a choice that you and your spouse decide. There are always compromises and happy mediums in most situations. I don't necessarily feel there are "rules" for the age you should have kids or how far apart they should be. My sister and I are almost 11 years apart and close, (especially now that we're adults) but it was sometimes difficult when I was 8 and she was 18. My children are 18 months apart-which I thought would be very hard. However, it has been wonderful. It was not planned, either. If you don't think you are ready, share your thoughts with your husband and you will figure out a plan together that is right for your family! All The Best, K.

You don't mention exactly how young you are, but I'm guessing you've still got plenty of time ahead of you to extend your family. I myself am 23 and have a one year old. My husband and I have barely had any real time together since she's been born and although we love her dearly we also miss eachother and how we use to be. I guess my point is take time to enjoy your first child and the time you get with your husband. I only have one child but I can only imagine how much more time consuming a second would be. Remember that your not just a mother, you're an individual too! Don't be afraid to take time for yourself and your interests. And yes, siblings with large age gaps can be friends. My sister and I are 5 1/2 years apart, she is my best friend and I couldn't imagine life without her!

In response to if kids with large gaps be friends. I would have to say yes. There is 9 1/2 years between my younger sister and I and she is my best friend. Of course we are 33 and 23 almost 24 but I have 2 children and my oldest is 10 and youngest will be 1 in October. My son is the oldest and he absolutly adores his little sister, and she does not let her big brother out of her sight. We did not plan the large gap. We tried several times in between. So I guess I would say to have your second when you feel the time is right for you.