When Does the Parenting Get Easier?

C.,

I have to jump on the Molly A. boat too!

I was 20 when I went 'away' to college and I wouldn't have dreamed of even asking or telling my Mom that my boyfriend at the time would be coming with us or even staying with me! It was a huge family event and my Mom and Dad were amazing about helping me move and getting me settled, but there is no way I would have even dreamt of crushing them with the thought that my boyfriend was staying with me in the dorm.

I know eventually it happens, and it's part of the 'experience' but it's a personal choice and telling my parents would have been a WHOLE other thing that was just not on my agenda. I think you need to sit him down and explain how special a transition this is for you as his Mom and that you'd appreciate making this a family event.

Good luck.

I'd tell him you won't be bringing the girlfriend and why or that she can come only if she stays with you and then don't back down. You're still his mother and he can still learn valuable lessons.

Ditto most of the other responses, especially Corrine and Stephanie. As a mother of a 26 and 21 year old who have lived in the dorms, having the girlfriend sleep over is probably against dorm rules, and is very much against being a considerate roommate. Dorm rooms are small and anything but private.

Hi C.,
Well, my kids are, 39, 39, 40 and 43...I will let you know when it starts being easier...
Good luck, choose your battles well...
C.

I think that allowing her to stay with him in his dorm is just innappropriate. As an adult, it's his decision whether or not to have a sexual relationship with her, but having her in the dorm room that he shares with other men is just plain disrespectful to the other roommates. It's awkward, embarassing, and uncomfortable, and they will probably resent it. It's not a good way to get a positive start with your roommates. It's just inconsiderate and rude to the roommates. It's also inconsiderate to the GF to put her in that kind of awkward situation as well.

My guess is, he wants to use her as a shield so that he can avoid being forced to interact with a bunch of new people. With that in mind, leaving her home altogether might be the best idea. I say that as an introverted person who has tried all sorts of ways to avoid having to deal with other people!

Being a mother, I can understand where you are coming from, but being a 21 yr old, I would have to say that what happens between them is their business. I mean no disrespect by no means. But it comes to a point in life, were one feels that their parents sometimes need to butt out of a child's personal business. But, you are his mother, and you are always going to be worried about your son, and you should. He is starting a new journey in his life, and he needs to be focused on school. And just as you said, he needs to get to know his roommates. It seems as if he will be living far away from home, so I'm thinking that he won't be able to see you guys, including his gf that often. So, being with her is going to mean a lot to him.

I agree with Molly A's response. Also, I would add that this is family time, reiterate your affection for the girlfriend, but this is a strictly family event. Miss Girlfriend can make her own arrangements to get herself there any other time - but this is family time.

My husband has worked with college age boys for the last 10 years, and his big complaint is their lack of full commitment and responsibility to much in their lives. They need to be accountable and not enabled by family or significant others or friends.

Best wishes to you and yours. :0)

I agree with Molly A. I would not do this. If your not comfortable with them sleeping together then just say no, I am not comfortable. I would NOT do this other roomates and my beliefs too. Just not a good way to start off with the new roomates.
Sue

I'm only 27, so I'm not that far from your son's age. My parent's approach with stuff was far more conservative from my own, but I appreciated it. Basically, if I wanted to do things they didn't approve of, then I could act like a grown-up and do it - but I had to be a grown-up about everything else, too.

Tell him that, if he's such a big boy, he can move himself to college. He obviously doesn't need your help...I can't stand kids who think they can do whatever they want AND have their parents enable them. I don't think there's anything wrong with him having a sexual relationship if he's being responsible about it, but he doesn't have to force you to do something you're uncomfortable with.

I never rubbed my views in my parents' face, that's just plain disrespectful. I could sleep around all I wanted, but not in front of them. You DO NOT have to accept his lifestyle or co-sign his bull.

You won't be able to control what he does in his dorm room, once you are not there.

Hopefully, he and his girlfriend have a stable relationship? Next, how old is she? Hopefully not younger, or HER parents will be questioning HIM and (his parents). Next, a guy WILL have girls in their dorm room. This is college. It is a fact.
So.. .make sure he knows all about birth control AND STD's, and protecting himself, AND going to the Doctor if he gets any genital ailments. This is being "responsible" not about sex.
Next, I am sure there are Dorm room SCHOOL policies? About the opposite sex in dorm rooms??? Ask the school.
Next, he has to socialize too, and not just seem "clingy" about his girlfriend... I mean, he has to make guy friends AND get along with his room-mates. I'm sure they don't want a girl there all the time.
Next, WHERE is this girlfriend living? In his hometown? In the same college? Well, I am sure she will visit him... on her own too??? Then, you won't be able to control who visits him.... he will be off on his own in college.... doing what college guys do. Unless he is super disciplined... and studious.

Just some quick thoughts. He is 20 now... and well, these things do happen. AT LEAST he is telling you about it and being open... which is ULTIMATELY what you want... and would want to continue. Instead of having him keep 'secrets' from you... so, how you react to his 'life' will determine this. A guy, no matter how old, would want to have an open relationship with his Mom.

All the best,
Susan

Wow this is a tough one. Ok, I agree with you that he should concentrate on getting to know his roommates. Girlfriend will just be distracting.
BUT, on the other hand.....he's 20 years old. He is basically an adult. Sounds like you are babying him a little. Even if you are sporting the bill for college and his dorm, I wouldn't think that you could make that decision for him. Face it, 20 year old men are going to have sex. Hopefully, your son is fully informed about birth control. How old is the girlfriend? Under 18? If so, then it's probably not a good idea to have her stay in his room, if she is the same age or older, then I don't think you have much say.
Good luck to you!

Well, your son is going to have sleepovers in his dorm room whether you like it or not, but I agree with you. No reason to give your tacit approval of the first night sleepover.

The bigger issue is how bad this is going to look to whatever roommate(s) he is about to meet for the first time. That is really going to set them off on a bad foot. "Nice to meet you, this is my girlfriend, now if you don't mind we'll just be cuddling in the corner over here while you unpack your stuff" That is so wrong. You need to hold your ground on this from the consideration standpoint. Don't let him do that to the roommates and also ruin his chances of making friends the first day. He'll always be known as "that dude down the hall with the girlfriend".

Being a parent isn't easy, but you already know that.

Sometimes it requires being the bad guy. It's not fun, but it's important.

You are so right! She doesn't need to come. 1) isn't even allowed for her to stay in his dorm? some schools say "no" 2) I agree, he needs to meet his roommates.

I would say "sorry, but we don't think it's a good idea"

If he doesn't like it, then tell him that he and his girlfriend can find their own way there.

I say, you are the parent. Your house,. your rules. Your car, your rules. Once he is gone though he is on his own.

Know this...I am 40 and my mom still asks if the parenting will get any easier! LOL

B.
Family Wellness Coach

I'm assuming you been his parent for twenty years. Have you passed on your values to him? Why would he think it's ok to have his girlfriend sleep in his dorm room? Yes, your son is 20, but is he paying for college? If not, you do have a say in the matter. And as his mom you should still guide your son, a young man, to make the right decisions. I wish you all the best.

with adult kids, parenting/wisdom never stops. i would talk to the both of them. if they are going to do the act, get a room not a dorm.

also when my daughter shared a dorm, her roomie was very sextual and my daughter had to leave or sit out on the balcony, huntch over in a corner covering her ears from the moan and groan. very selfish and in conciderate.

Hmmmm...it's been a while since I've been in college but I do remember that girl/boyfriends spending the night the first few nights is really not done and may get him in trouble with the dorm authorities. It will also likely not endear him to his roommates either since it's really uncool to have sex when the only thing separating you from your roomie is a desk or other piece of furniture, if that.

If the gf wants to come along, she should stay wherever you're staying. That way, your son has the moral support (not to mention the cool factor) of having his girlfriend around, but it's not interfering with his roomies.

If she goes out to visit him over weekends, well, honestly, at 20, he's an adult and there's not much you can say. If he gets busted for it, he'll get to deal with the consequences.

Or, you can get super picky and pull the financial string....if you're paying for the college experience, you get to call the shots. If he doesn't like it, he can pay for college. He/she who has power of the purse, has the power. It's up to the purse holder to decide how to flex that muscle.

Good luck.

Aloha C., I love my mom's response to my question about when parenting get's easier: she told me "when you die." LOL

Why don't you call the school anonymously and ask the school on their rules and what they do if rules are broken. It's a good thing to know. Maybe even ask to get the rules sent vai fax to your home. This way you don't have to put yourself out there and he won't blame you re: girlfriend and simply blame the school, on school rules.

If you could get him to call that would even be better so he could get his conscience going and hopefully he will resolve this dilemma without the two of you getting into it. Then you could let him know why these rules are best for him. Preventing pregnancy, std's etc etc and focusing on school and social interations etc etc. This way you could help him with his mind being open instead of shut the way they are nomally about now. Plus he is old enough to start taking complete responsibilty for his own life etc etc.

I know how tough it is. I have a brand new 18 year old :OMG... LOL... I live in Hawaii and he lives with his dad in CALI and when he came to visit me for the summer he asked me if he could bring his girlfriend whom by the way apparently her parents were okay with it - go figure... I was beside myself and said "what if you brake up with her?..' Instead of going off on him and telling him what's up. He thought about it and called me back and said "I've changed my mind - it'll only be me." Talk about relief with a capital "R" - wow, it was great to see him make a good decision for himself. Funny thing I would of been okay if he had brought one of his male friends but he never thought of it.

Maybe you could suggest for your son to bring one of his male friends - they always help with breaking the ice and he will have a familiar face to help him meet the new people. Since you stated your son is reserved.

Best of blessings to you, E.

Stick with your gut and leave girlfriend at home. Most colleges have freshman orientation and ways to help incoming freshmen get comfortable with the college before school starts. I think your son will be very busy and also, he needs to get to know his roommates since he'll be spending a lot of time with them over the next year. He may be sexually active but that doesn't mean you have to accommodate or condone his behavior.

Go with your gut feeling- leave the girlfriend at home. You are right that he needs to begin a relationship with his new friends- not hide behind his girlfriend. Good luck! G.

Well, you're the mom, just say "No." Explain why, you don't have to be a jerk about it. But you can simply say no. You're the boss!

You are now setting the standard for the three to follow. What do you want those standards to be? I would give him options. My daughter is 19. I can't control her, but if she lives in my home, she has to respect my rules. What are you doing for him as far as paying for things in college, etc? Tell him that those privileges are based on these behaviors and list them for him. If he wants the freedoms of adulthood then he gets all of the responsibilities with it.

I am in total agreement with you. She should stay home. Otherwise, they can do the whole thing on there own. Letting her go and stay in his room is accepting the behavior. You don't want the other 3 to see you cave.

God Bless! Pray and then pray some more.

J.

As the parent of a college grad and a college senior, I can tell you that, although the rules do get broken, most colleges have very firm dorm rules. One of those rules is "no opposite gender sleep-overs." If it will be breaking the college rules, it's out of your hands; be sure to point out to your son that this is not your, or his, decision to make, since neither of you sets school policy.

Also, keep in mind that one of the reasons he wants her there is BECAUSE he's shy and introverted. The idea of meeting hundreds of new people, some of whom you'll be living with, is enough to make any introvert lose sleep in a cold sweat for weeks! He wants a security blanket, if you will, that does not involve mom or dad. That's healthy and good. Having his roommates meet her means that they'll have an automatic topic of conversation, something else that's very helpful when you don't make friends easily.

So, I'd say, take her along, but get her a hotel room or let her stay in yours.

I'm just a mom to two toddlers, so I can't say for SURE what I would do with my son, I know the emotions you feel for your children tend to twist your view and decisions. BUT, the logical thing seems to be to tell your son you understand that he is an adult and can make decisions regarding his body and living arrangements; but that you are not going to pay to house he and his girlfriend living together - that priviledge comes with the committment of marriage. SO, he can go to college and live in his dorm alone and you will pay, OR he can fork over the money and do as he likes. My boyfriend (who is now my wonderful husband) was out of the country when I went away to college, and it was a good thing for me to have to meet new people, get to know my roommate, focus on the new schedule and expectations of college... all by myself! When he came home a couple months later and visited me he was a definite distraction! Good luck with your son, make the right decision based on logic, not based on fear of making him upset or angry! :)

I don't think I would leave it up to checking dorm rules about opposite sexes sleping over. (at my university, we had co-ed floors, and no restrictions about who slept where) I would let him know that you don't approve of her sleeping over, but it's no longer your decision to make. he's an adult and should be able to make the correct decision for himself at this time.
I DO think he needs to ask his roommates-to-be what they think, and also put himself in their shoes... new roomie, that he dosen't know well yet, wants his GF to spend the night the first night there. that sounds AWFULLY uncomfortable. Or maybe not... but he should first and formost consider that since they will be his roommates for the first year at college.

Hello C.. I hate to say it, but whether or not you condone the sexual relationship, or accept it rather, there is one (as you stated). Accepting it or not will not make it go away :( If memory serves me correct, members of the opposite sex, and even people who are not currently enrolled in the college are prohibited from being in the dorms, especially overnight. I'm not sure if this is the case with all colleges and all dorms, but I remember going to see my boyfriend at college many years ago and he always had to sneak me in after curfew (he was a football player, so that might have also made a difference). I say make the trip, take the girlfriend, but allow her to stay in your room (I'm presuming you and your husband are getting a room here)or get her own room. The rules is she can come but she will not be allowed to stay in the dorm with you. You're the parent, you get to make the rules :) Even if he is 20! lol BTW... his roommates might now even want her there, so then what would he do? I wish you all the luck with this, and you'll have to let us know what you decide, and how it turns out :)

Hi C.,
WOW! What a great question. I have three boys myself 18,15 and 9. I agree with what you said about allowing the girlfriend to spend the night. I think that I would not allow it either. I wouldnt want my son to think the rules have changed just because he is in college. On the other hand, if your son is very introverted as my son is, I dont think he will be focusing more on establishing relationships with these guys if she is not there. It might be more comfortable for him to have his girlfriend there to be more outgoing and strike up conversations. I wish I could be more help. I always thought it was going to be easier the older they got. Instead.. it seems like harder situations! I am sure whatever you decided will be the best for him!

Take Care,
H.

I honestly think that it against dorm policy for your son's gf to spend the night. Even if she could, if your son is intorverted, do you really think he'd ask his new roomies to leave the room so he can hook up with his gf? Or worse, hook up in front of them? (I'm an extrovert and I wouldn't dream of asking that of people I just met!) Why wouldn't your son want his gf to come if she couldn't stay in the dorm? Do you know the answer to that? You should find the official dorm policy and show it to your son. Then ask if he still wants her to come along since she can't stay with him.

The other thing to consider is how serious these 2 are. If they aren't going to last throughout his college career, then they will both get over it if she doesn't go. If they end up getting married, they both might resent you for keeping them apart.

As far as bringing the gf, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I just wouldn't let her stay in the dorms with him. It's not so much about the sex issue, but rather it will make the other guys feel uncomfortable and that's not a good way to start off making friends.

I don't think it ever gets easy.
As far as I know, having his girlfriend stay in his dorm room, is not allowed at college. Not the way to start things off. It will likely aggravate his yet to be met new roommates. If he was as introverted as you say, he'd not have a girl friend, not be going off to college, and certainly, not be going off to college without her going to the same place.

Mom, I think you need to say no. Let her go visit him later in the year, when he is settled in. Uhm........have you had a discussion with the parents of his girlfriend? I think all the parents need to be "in concert" on this issue. He needs to bond with his new school and roommates. I think that you would be doing him a dis-service if you allowed her to spend the first couple of nights in his dorm room. Probably better if she doesn't go with you - but at least give him, or force him, to start off fresh in the dorm.
Good luck! It is never easy - just changes.

I think you are on track and if you need our support, here it is. No she shouldn't sleep in his dorm and yes he should use this time to get to know his roommates.

Your son may just want her there for moral support. I say let her go with some ground rules, no overnights in his dorm. Many colleges do not allow this to happen anyhow and it could get him into serious trouble.

If he doesn't agree with this then she can stay home and they can say their goodbyes before he leaves.

I was an RA while in college and we had all sorts of questions from parents about having "sleepovers". It's gonna happen if they want it to happen, whether you bring the girl friend or not.

I agree with you about the issue of him needing to meet his roommates and other new friends. He's also going to be busy getting books, setting up his room, figuring out how to get to his classes. There are going to be welcome activities as well and she is likely not going to be able to attend a lot of those.

Honestly, though...so many of those relationships just don't work and kids that age think they know EVERYTHING. Just to make life easier you might want to bring her along and then watch how the situation takes care of itself when he meets new people. I know that doesn't really help, but my bet is it's not too long before the girlfriend is out of the picture!

-M

First I'd just like to say that the "sexual" part (if there is one) is going to happen whether you are around or not. He's 20 which makes him an adult so he can do as he pleases in that arena. So, I wouldn't focus on the "sex" part when it comes to the girlfriend coming along.

However I do not think she should come along. This is needs to be HIS experience. One he can never get back and do over again. I'd hate for him to be 40 and look back at his first college days and remember having his girlfriend tagging along. I think you are completely right that he needs to do this without her by his side. A lot of the guys at College may not be "cool" with the girlfriend being there in the dorm.

Also, does the dorm allow females to come stay the night? I know some of them have strict rules against this. You may want to look in to this.

All around it's just not a good idea for her to be there. She can come visit him once he is settled in. I understand them wanting to share this together as a lot of young couples are very attached to one another at this age. But I agree that you need to put your foot down on this one. Know that he will probably be angry with you.....but it will pass with time and hopefully he'll thank you for it later. Best of luck to you.