What Would You Do ... - Overland Park,KS

Well if you asked me 10 years ago I might've told you to lighten up, what's the big deal.

However I am only newly learning what commitment actually means. And now I think this is probably not cool. And you def need to talk about it. You def need to let him know how this makes you feel.

Yuck, sorry.

:(

I would ask hm about it. He'll likely say it's "nothing".
Flirting with an old flame is never "nothing". It's always "something". It might just mean that you guys have some work to do.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. This is the same way I found out what my now ex husband was doing. He's my ex...I couldn't live the rest of my life wondering what (and who) he was doing when he wasn't around me. I hope you find something that will help you. Good luck!

Confront? No. Ask him? Absolutely. See what he says and remember that if your gut is telling you thtat something isn't right, it probably isn't.

If you don't have one, get a FB page and indicate "married" to him and have him do the same. Share passwords- not that you need/want to "check" but there is a security in knowing that you could check if you wanted to.

Sorry, but flirting (the way you are implying) isn't OK for a married man. If it makes you uncomfortable, then he needs to stop immediately and block this woman from his FB.

Ask him about it; don't let it fester in your brain. Just flat out ask him... I've caught my hubs doing this early on in our relationship... he is sooo naive, and doesn't always think it's not innocent, you know? So from his perspective, it was really nothing, he didn't know otherwise until I told him so, and it promptly stopped and hasn't happened again :) Communication is key!

Is it Facebook? Guh, Facebook! I guess you would have to explain what you consider flirting. Are they just catching up or being inappropriate? Either way, this is your husband, your family, if its bothering you, you guys should talk about it.

You should read his email and check out the sites he is on. Get your proof first then ask him pointed questions relating to what you know. Show him the proof only if he denies it and go from there. As his wife, you have every right to know what he does online, you have every right to his passwords, etc... When you guys got married you put aside certain "rights to privacy" so if he tries to redirect the conversation by accusing you of being a snoop, don't let him go there. He was wrong, not you.
Flirting online is deceitful and he is being unfaithful to you. Like the others said, I bet he would blow a gasket if you were doing the same thing.
After it's all out in the open, you have every right to "check up on him" for a while to make sure he is being true to his word (assuming he promises to stop).

Good luck. I hope you guys can work through this. I've been there, and we did, but it almost tore my marriage apart.

You- "Babe, you forgot to log out and I was just wondering what you were doing at blahdeeblah.com?" Let it take it's course from there. You'll either believe his answer or you won't. Then ask us again what we would do.

You can't exactly un-know what you know since you can't un-see what you've seen.

Since your marriage has had some issues for a while, this has probably added some trust issues and is going to make things worse if you don't confront him directly. I think you need to be open and honest about how you came across his profile, what you saw, and try to remain calm when you recount it all. Don't make any accusations, just be matter of fact and let him know what you saw.

He's likely going to deny it because that's the Man Code. Caught red-handed? Deny deny deny. You still need to talk it out. You can tell him how it made you feel to see what you saw, and your fears about it. But I wouldn't make accusations. He'll be more likely to talk if he doesn't feel attacked. You know what you saw, and this can be the impetus to get you both into marriage counseling and therapy.

The fact that you're questioning if you should confront him or keep it to yourself and pretend you never saw it tells me that you guys may have a communication problem. That's usually the majority of marriage problems. Counseling would teach you guys to communicate with each other and learn each other's emotional currency. It's not really about telling each other what's wrong with each other and how to fix each other. It's about working together to work on issues between you and learn how to communicate better.

Oooh, been there and done this one, I bought the tee shirt and all... I have been in your shoes and I asked my husband about it and was not happy with the explination. I also have realized that these social websites are not always great for marriages and relationships. It caused a lot of static in our marriage so he decided to delete his page. My advice is to ask, get answers, accept any apologies from him, forgive, trust, and move on with your marriage. At the end of the day it is still YOUR husband, but do keep your eyes and ears open.

It depends on what you stumbled upon that you wish you never saw..was it a "hey, how are things" kind of message, or more of a "I miss you big time" thing with a picture that would make a person blush? I ask because I would be WAY pissed to see the latter.

In your situation, since you two have been having problems, I'd ask him about it no matter what. Be open about it, and keep the communication going. You don't want TWO cherries on the cake, right? :)

ETA: After reading your SWH..I believe it's the latter, and I'd be WAY pissed. He sounds very immature, and it seems like he has a wandering eye. You have a long road ahead of you, but I'd start with talking to him about what he's been up to, and let him know that it's unacceptable. If you make no progress, I'd break his "rod of correction" and tell him where to stick it. Good luck.

The alternative is to let it go. No. Don't do that. Your marriage is in big trouble. Confront him and get to counseling.

Confront him for sure!

You have had lots of advice to confront him and people suggesting that communication is key. I bet that you and your husband have communication patterns that are predictable and unproductive. As you mentioned in your SWH - ends with a big blowout.... So confronting him with the same communication pattern will end in the same result - a big blow out. Counseling and/or trying to figure out each others' roles in communication may help you to have a more productive conversation. Keep this in mind though, if you try to change your style of communication his response will be to try to bait you (get you to get angry and not engage in real conversation and it may be 100 times worse given the topic you are going to takl to him about) into your typical pattern of communication becuase that is where you both feel safe (and I bet that neither of you like that pattern of communication. Figure out what your goal is for the conversation, stay calm and stay focused. Maybe practice with a topic that is less emotional.
Also (I know this isn't part of your question) - is there any way you can get out of the house? Maybe he can stay home with his son 2 or 3 nights a week while you go out for some you time, book club, knitting club, support group for people with children with disabilities, walk for an hour?

I would ask him about it. He was the one who failed to log out - you didn't do anything wrong. This may be a way for the two of you to address the problems you've been having for the last few years and work on your marriage.

I know this must be really difficult for you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You need to talk to him about this. If your marriage has been shaky and he is flirting that is a recipe for disaster. He might have left it open on purpose for you to "find". I remember a scene from Sex and the City 2. Carrie and Big and fighting because he was flirting with another woman. Carrie was like "I'm not upset about the flirt, I like the flirt, as a matter of fact, the flirt could come around here more often". I think that is what you need to get across to hubby. He needs to flirt with YOU!

Yeah, it might be time to have a sit down and hammer some things out. Today could be the day you decide what is going to happen to your relationship. Maybe if you air everything out, things might get better. :) Best of luck to you.

I would definitely ask him about it. Like Rachel said, don't let it fester! If you don't get it out in the open, you'll continue to think about it and get yourself more and more worked up and upset....then when you do talk about it, it will likely be a more tense conversation because you'll have been stewing over it. At least that's how I am.

At the very least, you guys will have a conversation about it and get it settled and perhaps that will lead to opening up about other stuff. Communication is always good in these situations. Good Luck!

I would definitely confront him. If things have already been iffy between you two then it's better to be open and honest about your concerns. Even though he may be flirting online it's still be dishonest and unfaithful in my opinion. I'm sure he would want to know what was going on if the tables were turned.

Good luck!

Oh hail yeah I would confront him!

I would confront him, ask about it and maybe even ask, so how is she and where is she, etc.
AND on a side note, I totally look at my husband's social sites (we are "married" on FB haha) and occassionally, I do read his email - not on purpose, but if he leaves it open, I peruse it and I let him do the same with mine if he wants.
Nothing wrong with it. When it comes to my marriage there are no boundries - LOL! I don't look because I don't trust, I look because I can and there is nothing that should be hidden in that respect. . . so don't feel bad for looking at his stuff and if after you explain to him how you happened upon this information and he is all up in your face it means he may have more to hide than an email . . .

When I went to marriage counseling before getting married, my pastor explained to us both...anytime you are giving another person your attention in a lust manner is a form of cheating. He is thinking of someone else other than you. What he is doing is decieving. I would definitely talk to him about it. Maybe you both can agree to do counseling.

No way would I let that go. Confront and get it out in the open. Good luck.

Hi there fellow mamma,
First of all, so sorry for all the pain you must be going through. Please be strong, ask him in a very non defensive way what that email was about. Obviously he's up to no good, but confronting him will cut things in the bud.
Second of all, try making yourself feel better, so you don't always need him to make you feel good about yourself. Loose your weight, and do it cause you love YOU.

Hugs going out to you...
Don't let him get away with this... don't let him blame you, that's not right. Stand up for yourself. He married you and said before God, he will forsake all others... well, he's NOT! Don't run from it, and start talking to him, you have to communicate in marriage if you want it to be good. Don't put things on the back burner, it get's HOT and EXPLODES!!!

Be the STRONG woman you are, don't let anyone disrespect YOU!!!

I think flirting is normal, it makes us feel good about ourself. But I think flirting with a stranger is better then with an ex. That being said I don't think this would happen with my hubby. He never checks his email, he has me do it for him, and he doesn't belong to any social networks such as FB. However if I found out he was flirting with his ex (his only other serious relationship.) I would probably laugh. She was so much older then my husband and I am so much younger, and I have enough confidence in myself and our relationship that I don't believe I would feel threatened.

Call him out on it. Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned? What if you were talking like this to some guy? Then ask him to cut it out that its unnessissary (sp) drama. My husband and I also asked each other how the other would feel if there were exes who asked to be friends on the social sites. At first we both said dont do it. There was one person that we both viewed as trouble asked to be a friend...but with both of us and we do not see them as a threat to our marriage. When ever an ex does ask to be a friend we ask eachother how the other would feel and if it would be ok to add them. Respect each other is most important.

I would be confronting him... After I'd calmed down.

Don't jump to any conclusions, I had a friend who's hubby didn't "get" fb at all and thought every single thing on her wall was a personal message just to her. He almost flipped out over someone posting "see you at the bar" to an entire group of friends, of couse she wasn't going anywhere near a bar! Instead of confrontation, begin with conversation...you left your page open and I thought it was my own, so I saw this and I really want to talk about it. Accusations will only cause him to become defensive, if he HAS been acting in a way he should not have been online, he will be guilty and defensive. If it was a misunderstanding, misintrepretation ..then you guys can clear the air and maybe decide on appropriate online limits when talking to exes.

I told him if he wanted to "walk that path" then do it, but that she was not to come to my house or be near my kids. Sorry, but it had been an issues off and on for many years... he did go see her a few times, and soon realized why they didn't make it to begin with. Sadly, they only thing you can do is to let him decide what he wants... if he doesn't it will only end badly. If you are ment to be together, you will be - if not, it will end at somepoint. One person can not make a relationship last - it takes both peoples commitment.

confront him and her.

If it's just online conversations, I wouldn't wory about it.

If things have been iffy already that would be all the more reason to confront him. The things he's saying are inappropriate.
I'm sorry.

When in doubt, sit down and talk, Ask, don't accuse. Tell him what happened and now you're wondering. Talk about "fixing" your relationship and where do you go from here. If you don't talk it'll weigh heavily on you.
Looks like you've rec'd lots of responses. Good luck.............