What to Do for a Friend with Breast Cancer?

M.,

The best advice I can give is to just be there for her. My Mother-in-Law went through the same thing almost 5 years ago. Just offer support and a place for her to vent when she needs to blow off steam. If there are days when she's not feeling very good offer to bring her dinner, if you live close. Otherwise, just let her know you're there for her as a friend and want to support her through this difficult time. If she has children, offer to babysit so she has some quiet time to herself.

Yes, we have been through this and I can tell you it's the little things that you need help with - the routine things that's you're too exhausted to do but have to get done any ways.

Make meals, not just in the beginning but a few weeks from now - cancer treatment is long, involved and recovery takes at least a year post treatment. If you're going to the grocery, do her shopping too. Take her kids for a playdate. Help arrange rides to and from activities for her kids. A gift certificate to Netflix (for either her or the kids).

Every little bit helps and is much appreciated.

take a meal over once in awhile- that is always appreciated. Offer to take her to chemo appts. Don't forget to give her husband support- the girls will probably not be able to grasp what is going on, but he will.
Just lend a hand when you can,
L.

Norma's Challange is a wonderful source with a group of ladies who have been thru this themselves. Their number is listed in the phone book. They can be very helpful with their abundance of knowledge and first hand experience with breast cancer. They can give you lots of ideas to help your friend in need.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy in November 2005. I had further surgeries in 2006 to reconstruct a new breast. Here's what helped me.

1. Talking about it instead of avoiding the subject.
2. A mini pillow (6 inches x 12 inches)to place between the arm and mastectomy when recovering.
3. Driving to and from doctor appointments.
4. Pick up of medications with easy off caps.
5. Meal preparation.
6. Checking in for short visits (recovery takes a lot of energy and sleep is needed).
7. You may also want to care for her children, so she can get much needed rest.

Hope this helps.

Give the daughters alot of talk, and support, and just be there if you can cook dinner, answer the phone calls, so that she doesn't have to talk about it all the time. Talk about other things to make her laugh, it passes the time and then it won't seem so bad, she will be o.k.
And i have a 16 year-old(only child),and she too, did not want me to have another one, and now today she says that was the best thing she told me cause she has friends that have siblings, and they fight all the time a tell my daughter that she is so lucky, you don't have siblings to compete with.
I guess thats why they are always at our house, i actually love it when they go come, but love them anyway......lori

Laugh together. People going through life changing/threatning issues tend to gain a morbid sence of humor. See about bringing life into the house, flowering plants, fresh fruit -big one if she goes through Cemo. My mother had a craving so bad she made a 2 day trip-alone with out telling anybody- to Flordia just for strawberries.

Having just gone through chemo for lymphoma, here are the things that meant the most. Stay in touch. Whether by email, card, phone calls or visits. Whatever works for you. Stop by and cajol her into a walk just once around the block on the days when she doesn't have much energy. It will help. Bring her a fresh squeezed juice, or take her out for one if she's up to it. Hand lotion. Small purse sizes, concentrated, unscented. Most chemo related doctor offices have unscented policies. Extremely dry skin is one of the most common side effects of chemo. My kids aren't small but I would imagine taking them off her hands or watching them in house so she can nap would be terrific. Best of luck.

I almost forgot. I cut my hair pretty short and donated it to locks of love. One day at the computer I found hair in my coffee and took clippers to it. I still had very short hair that was falling out so a couple of times a day I'd use the lint roller on it. Most of my friends found this hilarious but it works really well. I still use it but more hair is growing in than falling out finally.... so.... maybe get her a lint roller?

Your support is going to be so important to her. I'd say moral support, love, encouragement, etc. is going to be appreciated and so appreciated. Also, though, some "practical" support would be invaluable, I'm sure. Maybe some casseroles, or other easy meals for her family, stuff that can be kept frozen, then re-heated easily. Or some help cleaning up around the house. If you don't have lots of time, maybe help organize a schedule with other friends, so that everyone can pitch in a little bit of time and help, that way she still gets lots of help. Even though it sounds like she has a nice, big family, they might all appreciate some help, especially when she's most incapacitated, so they focus a lot of extra attention on her, and not so much on day-to-day stuff. It'd mean a lot, I'll bet. (I had a fairly long hospitalization after my son was born, with a really bad infection, and having someone cook for my family was so appreciated!! Also, visits....I wished I'd had more visits from friends, even. You don't have to do or say anything "right", just being there is great.)

Having emotional support is definetly going to be key, though, I think. Just having a shoulder to cry on, someone who will just listen to all her fears and everything she is feeling. The treatments and surgery can be so emotionally and physically draining. Helping her stay up-beat and strong, and inspired, but also allowing her to feel all the hard stuff, that's just going to make all the difference, I think. Bringing bright flowers, balloons, lots of supportive cards, etc.

Hi
My grandmother had a mastectomy several years ago. Sometimes the things that bother people when going through something major like that are not the obvious. So be sensitive to what is really bothering her - it might be something totally unrelated. It really bothered my grandmother to lose her hair. She felt less of woman without her hair than without her breast. Which was unexpected. My mom and I took her shopping for bras and wigs and out to lunch. Have fun doing those things and don't treat her like she has the plague and is dying. And yes, little things like grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry are a huge help. Get her out doing so she can focus on fun and positive things. Your a great friend! : )

Good morning, the best thing you can do for her is be there when she needs help and give her encouragement. Help with the daily stuff if you can so that she can concentrate on what she needs to do for a quicker recovery. With that said, be sure to give her her boundaries when she needs them and respect that. Don't take it personally. Say your prayers for her and her family.

Well, if really depends on the kind of relationship that you have with her. My mom had breast cancer in 2000 and also had a succesful mastectomy. The key is to not treat her like a "sick" person. She's sick and scared enough already without people constantly saying "I'm sorry, what can I do". Take her out often. Go for lunch and listen if she wants to talk about it, go get a pedi together. She will start losing her hair if she starts chemo after the surgery. That's just part of it. Go with her to get her hair cut super short. This will help with the "shock" factor of her hair falling out. When she is ready, go wig shopping her and make it a fun experience. Think about even buying one for yourself.
And if you're a praying person, pray for her strength every single day and let her know that you are praying for her because you love her.
Good luck and I will be praying for her a well.

I really can't say anything new that the other responder didn't already say.. but maybe I can reinforce it. My best friend had cancer. Just remember how exhausted and scared she will be. Giving her a break from the kids and figure out ways that people can help with the house chores/meals. I found that as my friend got more advanced in her disease - our friendship changed. She was no longer able to listen to me like she used to and I had to keep reminding myself that she still cared about me even though it didn't always feel like she did. Wasn't her fault.. she was on meds and was doing what she could just to get through the day. I think the things I felt were normal - I just want to encourage you to look at it from her side of the fence and to hang in there throughout her battle. It is so worth it!

I know she still loved me as much if not more than she did before but I had to fight my selfish feelings of abandonment and I missed the way we were. It taught me to be a better friend - to listen more than I talked. I really struggle with being overly talkative. I tried to empathize without being presumptuous enough to think I could really understand what she was going through. She knew I couldn't fully understand what she was experiencing but she just needed to talk and to know that I would never abandon our friendship. The hardest thing for her was to see how so many of her "friends" disappeared after she got her diagnosis. Remain loyal and present in her life.

She should read "A Slice of Life" by Lee Sturgeon Day. There is also a cutting edge cancer clinic in Mexico called Sanoviv. All that you can do is offer to help with the girls...create time for her to rest and recoop.

First, it is hard thing for you and your friend to go through, and getting support is essential in my opinion. I say that also because prior to getting pregnant, I volunteered at the American Cancer Society Resource Center trying to help patients find resources for support, information or whatever they might need help with. Her hospital may have what is called a navigator program, which matches new patients with someone who has already gone through having breast cancer. My other suggestion would be to get in contact with the American Cancer Society at www.cancer.org. They also have a 800# that I can't think of off the top of my head. Obviously, having been a volunteer I have some bias that is where you should go for advice and information, but I do know that it is available and there are people out there more than willing to help get information to you or your friend. I sincerely hope that helps. T.

M., I'm sorry to hear that another "sista" has to fight the dragon. I'm a six year survivor of a very aggressive form of breast cancer that "younger" women get (young being under age 45 at time of diagnosis). I had a lumpectomy and radiation...no mastectomy...but recently I had breast reconsturction (as well as a total body makeover) because there was shrinkage in the breast that was radiated.

I will say though the physical aspect is very hard to go through...likely your friend will struggle with the emotional part the most...and that will hang on a long time. Right now she is busy fighting for her life, so she feels like she is doing something to help herself and that in itself can be a bit healing.

The NUMBER ONE think I can recommend is not to wait for her to contact you. I have had so many friend say call me if you need me...and when you are going through a major life change like this it's better for you to contact her. Some practical things would be taking care of her kids so she can rest or get to appts. Driving her to appts...chemo and radiation can make you sick and tired, and even being there for her during the appts. Housework, and arrange for people to bring meals. I had two weeks of meals bought to me during this time.

You don't need to have "the answers" sometimes it's really hard to know what to say during this time...but a good hug really goes a long way for encouragement. Most of all keep the conversation positive...you can't believe how many people felt it necessary to tell me that they knew people who died of breast cancer. You just don't want to hear this when you are fighting for your life.

Tell her about positive outcomes...tell her about me...and if it would be helpful I would be happy to drop her an email. I am six years cancer free, spunky and full of life...and I value my life way more than I did before the experience.

Lastly she will likely grieve the loss of the breast. That is scarey and it's a process...something most women go through.

Best of luck helping your friend through this...

S.

Hi M.,
Give her time and a listening ear: Offer help with housework, dinners, childcare, etc as she needs it. See what is bothering her most, and help with that. Also listen without a lot of advice or platitudes; she'll get all the advice she needs from her doctors, etc. But, she may need to just vent and express all the fears and frustrations that are bound to be part of dealing with cancer. If her appearance bothers her, remind her that her looks aren't what matter to you, it is her inner beauty that made you friends. Be patient with her if she gets angry, she's dealing with a lot, and having losses: self image, independence, etc. She may feel that it is unfair, and it isn't.
It sounds like you are truely a good friend. She is lucky to have you. Good luck; listen to your heart.
L.

I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma with 6 months of chemo and radiation. Of all the things people did for me, the things I appreciated the most were home-made dinners, periodic cards letting me know I was in their thoughts and prayers, gift cards for massages/spa treatments, and gift cards for restaurants/house cleaning agency. Treatment is expensive, even with insurance. Mine was about $150,000 - so if their is no annual cap, on a 20/80 - plan, that's still $30,000. So things like dinners, and gift cards for dinners were huge. I didn't have kids at the time, but depending on their ages, just taking the kids out for playdates, running to the store for milk, etc. Bringing dinner for the family, and cleaning the house or gift certificate for house cleaners, would be huge. Hope this helps!!

You have gotten great responses, one thing I would add is to make sure she knows your there to listen. Sometimes those sick needs someone not so close to talk about things they feel they cannnot talk about with their husbands and children. They need someone they can tell their fears, pains, anger and such too without guilt of adding to the others feelings. With my mom, she found solice with a friend who told her she can rant and rave, cry, or what ever she needed to do with out fear of repercusion. She took everything my mom said and let it roll off her shoulders, then she would hug my mom. After, my mom was able to better deal with family. Sometimes people forget that those sick need to vent and they take things personally.

I went through this with a close friend 3 years ago and the first thing I did was ask her what she needed. For her it was help with food. I offered to help clean her house, etc. She also had "chemo" buddies who would come with with her and her husband during the couple of hour chemo treatment. Friends signed up for that. Find out what she wants - I think everyone is different. If she says nothing, say, well I'd like to help with your food or something that you know will be of use. And of course listen and be there when she needs. My friend is now cancer free and new mother of adopted baby girl.

Contact the American Cancer Society, they have wonderful outreach programs. One of the things they offer is matching a survivor with someone going through treatment to help them through all of the difficult times. I used to work for a cancer treatment program and all of our patients went to them for some type of service. They also have great people who can answer your questions and decide what she might need the most depending on what stage she is at.

I think that doing things like providing meals and help around the house, without demanding social interaction, can be a big help. Much like you would do for a friend who just brought home a new infant. Your friend may also like things like distractions - invitations to walk, get coffee, etc. However, it is worth remembering that they may not have energy for everything you suggest and may have to turn you down.

In other news, in Seattle there is the Komen Race For The Cure on June 21 (http://pskomen.org/), and the Three Day (http://08.the3day.org/site/PageServer) in mid-September. These are two fund raising events - one easy and one hard. Having done both of them i can tell you that the three day is a huge commitment (the race isn't really), but that both of them are a fun way to get involved.

You have taken the first step for your dear friend by asking what to do. I had breast cancer and finished chemo therapy and radiation 6 months ago. The best thing for myself was when I needed to talk or cry I had 2 very dear friends that would listen. When you have cancer people tend to stay away almost like the plaque because they don't know what to say. They need not say anything, just be there. My 2 dearest friends live within a mile and stopped 2-3 times a week, they mailed me cards instead of bringing them to me. It was wonderful. My 3rd dearest friend is my spring chicken 89 year old neighbor. On the week I would have chemo therapy he always made a big pot of soup. My one friend bought me pink carnations and brought them to me. If she has not been given the book "Finding the CAN in Cancer" by Nancy Emerson, Pam Leight, Susan Moonan and Terri Schinazi, Perhaps you could go to the cancer center and see if they have it. It is free and that was my bible. My niece is an oncologist nurse and sent it to me. I then passed it to my doctor at the cancer center I go to and they started putting the book in the patients bag among other information. I had another friend that called every night to see how I was. I was fortunate to have my husband as my care giver, a wonderful man. And my 8 year old grand-daughter was a real trooper. She saw my battle scars and I lost my hair. I donated 28" to locks of love. My grand-daughter wishes I still had my long hair and that it was still brunette. It all came in this beautiful grey color and curly. My hair was bone straight. You are a good friend by being there. I hope I have helped you with some part. Please feel free to message me. V. B

Hi M., Tough stuff -- I have lost a friend to brain cancer (4 kids) and one to breast cancer (3 kids) and I have a sister in law (2 kids) who is a survivor. BE there -- and be there for the long haul -- there is usually a lot of attention and care in the early days but it wanes -- meals, house cleaning, doing laundry, watching kids -- arranging for her to have some time to herself and some time with her hubby -- these are all things that will be helpful now and for the long run -- we did meals for 3 years for one of the families -- a group of about 20 of us. One thing we have found with meals is that doing them every other day or 3 times a week works out to be best -- that way they can still have days for their favorites or to go out and there are not as many leftovers. Don't forget to take care of yourself!

Hi M.,
I am SAHM of 7 and 1 grand daughter.
We just recently have been support for my mother-n-law & my best friend dealing with Breast cancer.
Just being there for our friend&family and helping with resources.There is a lot of helpful resources on -line.
Another thing to look into is a wonderful life saving Drink called MONAVIE.It has 19 different fruits/grapes in it.
I have heard testimonies about people with cancer and what it has done for them drinking the Monavie after 2-4 months their cancer is gone.
1 Man works for my husband being diagnoised with bone cancer only having 7 months to live.He is now at 9 months from that date they told him and is CANCER "FREE"
Here is my testimony for Mona vie
DRINKING MONAVIE after 5 weeks 01-25-08

I being a mom of 7 children (1 recently adopted)and 1 wonderful grand daughter. I'm a stay at home wife along with caring for our mini Farm. This all keeping me very active with no time to rest.
Having Arthritis since a young age,mild scoliosis,severe sinus issues,migraine head aches..In my 30's being diagnose as a adult with ADHD and irritable bowel syndrom. Recently diagnosis with Fibromyailgy in September 2007.
This starting all new /more health issues,which were also starting to give me little or no sleep, in horrible pain 24/7, Depression signs of high Cholesterol.

I have been on several different types of medicine that have caused allergic reactions,hospitalization,loss of my legs/vision,use of both arms.

In December my husband & I decided to try "Mona Vie".
It has been a Gift from God!!

What it has done for me:
I no longer have problems with Arthritis,No more sleepless nights,my Depression is no longer.
I wake fully rested,have so much more energy along with being able to stay outside during cold weather with no problems.
I am no longer on any Medicines for Adult ADHD nor any-NO medicines for Fybromyaligy,as of 6 days now.
My cholesterol is under control,theres no more Advil or over the counter pain medicines.

Life could not be Better!!!
Jen Martin of Dallas Oregon

I am a breast cancer survivor of 2 years 6 month. I had a double mastectomy and 13 lymphnodes taken under my left arm.
The best things you can do for your friend is don't smother her with pity. Be there to help, to listen and when she cries. And she will a lot. Don't take offense to anything she says,just tell her you have something to do and leave her to herself. Give her 10 minutes and chech on her and she will appreciate that very much. Allowing her to vent how she feels without getting your feelings all pushed out of shape is of utmost importance. She is dealing with cancer, alife threatening disease, surgery and losing a part of her that makes her womanly(or so we all think), makes her shapely and fed her children. She has the surgery to go through, chemotherapy, being sick all the time, losing her hair, emotional ups and downs that no one will understand, then radiation every day for six to eight weeks, burning of her skin and still all that time the hormonal hell she will be going through. Just be a good, understanding and patient friend, listen and she will love you forever. My prayers for you both, N.

My mom was diagnosed a little over 2 years ago and one of the things that was the greatest help to her was knowing that she was in her friends prayers and also just having someone available to do things to help. Another thing is being there as a listener, almost everyone gives advice but never just listens...this helped her the most, especially when it came to emotions concerning things she wasn't able to express to my father.

I am a cancer survivor, uterine cancer, and the best thing anyone, mostly my husband, did for me was take our then 11 year old son out to do things that would get his mind off of what I was going through, that was in his normal routine and that gave me a little break. Between my Mom & my husband, they did all the house work & cooking and kept people informed on my well being sho I wasn't repeating myself to everyone who stopped in or called, another big help. Just be caring, thoughful and do lots of listening, a lot of different things go through ones mind when going through a big ordeal such as cancer, especially if you've got kids that naturally will worry about their Mom.