What to Do About Family Visiting from Out of Town

S B said it perfectly! Some people don't have a clue, therefore you need to be very direct, honest and clear. There's nothing rude or mean about that. Good luck.

I understand family ties and not wanting to alienate anyone. I get why not much has been said before. (Although if hubby feels the same as you, I would have asked him to have a heart to heart with his sibling after the first imposition. If he disagrees with you, that's a whole other issue.). Have you considered being honest? "I'm sorry, we're just not comfortable with having people in our house when we are not home. Can I help you find a reasonable hotel?". "Oh six people?? We can't fit that many people." "I am really not up for hosting company this week. Maybe we can meet for dinner near your hotel instead?". You can say no and you can do it in a kind manner.

You can also ask them to contribute. Maybe it's just never occurred to them before. "Sure that week will work for us. But it gets tough cooking for so many people. How about we split it? I'll cook two nights and you guys cook two?". "Well things are tight this month, can you guys help with the groceries? Because otherwise, I don't think I can afford to host."

I like the honest approach. They may not like what they hear, but you don't have to keep stories straight. You don't have to rearrange your house and life to keep up your tale. Be kind and be honest. It's your home, you have the right to feel comfortable and not taken advantage of...so stop letting them take advantage of you.

It is once a year. Are you upset because there is no recprication when you go visit? Do they disrespect your property? Or, do you just realize that you are being used and are resentful?

As for the dinner check, I would hope they have enough class to pick up your dinner since you are hosting. I would not cause a scene about spearate checks, etc. Be strong and handle yourself with class.

It sounds like they are users and find it easy to manipulate you and your hubby. You have to learn to say "NO", set limitations if you do have them over, etc.

I believe it is wrong for someone to come crash at a relatives home for vacation and not do anything to help the hostess as far as any groceries, cooking, cleaning, etc. You obviously do not run a hotel so don't hostess like you are one.

As for the comment about the key under the mat... Classic manipulation. They were testing you to see how far they could push you and they pushed you right out of your plans so they were accomodated.

You and hubby need to straighten up your backbones. I don't see it as you being a B, I see it as you being resentful because you know you are being used and you have to set a new precedent.

Good luck to you..

Tell them you no longer have the room (fill it with something - anything), and send info on several hotels close to you.
Tell them you can not afford to host them anymore - you have your own family responsibilities now - they can not stay at your house even if you are not there.
They pay for their lodging and you feed them once a day (if you are home) - they can get their other meals elsewhere.
If they can not afford it - too bad, so sad - it is not your problem.
Tell your neighbors when you will be out of town and if they see anyone near your home at that time they should call the police as no one has your permission to be there while you are away.
Actually, your husband should man up, put his foot down, and tell them "No" point blank.
They are just using you.
Put a stop to it.

My sister is prone to this problem with relatives who like to take free "vacations" (i.e. stay with my sister). She finally started telling them no. She said something like "look, I work all week and do kid activities all weekend. I just can't handle anything else on my schedule." They backed off but they're still nice to my sister.

I would just be honest with them, but not antagonistic if that makes any sense.

Your husband needs to stop being a "pleaser" too.

PS: I'm all for entertaining people if you can find a way to make it work. I'm NOT for being manipulated though.

I dont really like overnight guests either, but I've learned it's not as hard as we sometimes make it out to be.
When I have family come, I make sure they know that space is limited and someone will be taking the floor or couch. I tell them to bring their own bedding because I dont have extra.
If I didnt want them to stay I would just let them know that it would be too inconvenient and give them the numbers for the closest motels in your area... and offer to split the cost with them if they scoff.
Some people dont mind sharing a room, especially when it's a family vacation. You say you have 2 basement rooms, they might be fine staying down there together.
I prefer staying in hotels, so does my husband. I think that is why we dont like guests, we'd rather they preferred a hotel too.

This is why you should never have extra bedrooms!!! lol I would not like anyone staying in my home if I was not home either.....kinda ballsy if you ask me. I would also state that we are going out to eat and everyone is responsible for their own meal. Say it with a smile. This would be the last time I would host them if you do not want them to stay at your house anymore. I would just make it clear next time that you have done the basement over and no longer have bedrooms its a family room now. Or I probably would just let them know of the nice hotels they have around where you live, that you both decided not to host any families anymore. Its just to much on you and that you would like to enjoy their stay so its easier for you if they stayed at the hotel. And you cannot wait to see them....lol

Stand your ground here, they sound like they would try to get under your skin and try to trick you into staying at your home for free!!

OMG! "leave the key under the mat!" No. You are not being B at all. They are bringing 6 MORE people? or 6 total? either way, that's rude.

When we visit family out of state, I will ask if we can stay with them, but always give them the "please don't feel obligated to say yes." Part. If they aren't enthusiastic about ANY of it, we stay in a hotel. AND, we always host the same families we have stayed with. We do this because we get better quality time in our short visits, not because of cost.

You are being taken advantage of for sure. You should definitely lay down the law about dinners. Tell the server there will be separate checks, unless they ask for one and THEY pay (which they should). Then tell them you would love to host ONE meal at your house on Xday. You have dinner plans elsewhere on the other days.

After this stay (since it is happening anyway), I would have husband tell sibling that it was too many people to host this last time, and that your family has a hard time transitioning during and after the visits. He's sorry, but they will have to stay in a hotel next time. And for crying out loud, no keys under the mat.

Best of luck to you! And especially if you didn't invite them, don't feel you need to give them the best time. They are using your home as their hotel AND not paying for it. UGH!

I didn't want to answer this, then changed my mind. I don't think the issue here is the money, or the food or the sleeping arrangements. You just don't want them there. I am sure if you had a best friend or perhaps your own relatives you'd bend a little if you want them there. Hubby's family probably takes his time and attention away from your family and you and it can be annoying. But, there is plenty of cheap food on earth-beans, beans and beans, and if you are assertive there is no reason not to say nicely 'hey could you pick up some bologna to go with the beans?' Four days is really nothing when you think about it! And it is your choice to not stay with them when you go but perhaps you ought to claim some territory next time and ask to sleep on their floor. I don't understand how you could afford a hotel if you are having an issue about paying food checks.
I am sorry, I am older and I learned something in life: it is a gift when someone takes the time to visit you. We do not know if that will be the last time we see these people. Try to look for the good in them. If your husband is on the same page with this then perhaps you can turn it and give him the opportunity to have a stress free visit.

What to do about family visiting from out of town? drop them off at the nearest train station, oh wait you mean your family....lol. Whenever my inlaws come they always stay at a hotel and it drives us crazy, it really hurts our feelings that they would rather stay at a hotel when we have MORE than enough room, but on the flip side for your argument I would have dh put his foot down and tell them that there are plenty of hotels to stay at. and no I would not have changed my plans for the key under the door issue, I would have told them sorry but the casa is not opened when we are not home. Stop having them walk all over your family, you are making a great step forwad by requesting seperate bills for dinner and DO NOT give up your room our your childs room for the extra guests.

I think he needs to be blunt. "Leave the key under the mat" tells me they are only using your home like a hotel and don't really want to spend the time with YOU. So they eat your food like they do because you are their B&B and if you do not run a business, you can say "No, that doesn't work for us. Try hotels.com." It may be uncomfortable, but if your DH doesn't speak up for your family (b/c it's his family) then they will continue to do this. I recently went to Philly and didn't even ask my sister to stay with her - the house is too small and I had a family of four in tow. We were ALL happier that my family got a hotel room. If you are not close to them, then all the more reason to say, "No" vs being walked on. You shouldn't have to change your plans to keep them out of your house.

Let them stay with you for the 4 days this time. However, next time have tell them that you will send them information regarding hotels. They may be talking about going to Mexico or Hawaii, but do they actually go? Don't be so sure money isn't an issue. When you go out to eat tonight, let the waiter know immediately that there will be separate checks. I see no issue with you doing that at all. You are not obligated to pay for their dinner.

As for the sleeping arrangements, I would point to the basement and say "I don't know how you want to split up the group but there are two bedrooms downstairs." If she complains, I would just say "if that isn't okay, you might be more comfortable in a hotel." Don't offer to give up any of your rooms for them.

Had someone said "oh just leave the key under the mat, my answer would be "no, we are not going to be here and I will not have someone in my home when I'm not there. Your time is not convenient for us. You will need to stay in a hotel". End of story.

Take a deep breath and get through the visit.

A lot depends on how they say it--do they say, hey we'd like to visit? When can we come? Or, do they call up and say, "We're planning to come to Topeka X to Y dates. Looking forward to seeing you!" Also, does are you the one they talk to about their plans, or is it DH?

Since it's DH's family, he needs to step up. Role play, or practice it in front of the mirror.

If they are asking to come & visit and are trying to be considerate of your schedule, then they just might be operating from a different social norm regarding what a host is expected to do.... If that is the case, when they ask when they come, have DH tell them that you're not sure that you have room for 6 people, and have him explain that since that is a big financial burden to feed & house 6 extra people for a week, he's appreciate some kind of gesture (at least), like treating you guys to dinner, or chipping in for groceries, etc. (Keep in mind, it's not just groceries, but extra water, laundry (bath towels, etc.), higher heating/cooling costs), from having guests.

If instead they are more of the type who say, "We're coming on X date to stay with you; bet you're excited for our visit!", then have DH approach it much more firmly--say, we're excited you're coming X date, but unfortunately we have plans that week and cannot accommodate you. However, we've heard good things about A Hotel and B Hotel, here are their phone numbers. We could meet you for dinner one night at X or Y restaurants, or maybe meet you for a picnic/cookout at X park, but unfortunately, we are otherwise busy.

You are not being a B for feeling put out by family that is not considerate enough to let you they appreciate your hosting them.... :)

Yeah, the key under the mat...don't even think so. The only way I would allow that if we were going out of town is if they took care of my pets while we were away. :) That would benefit us both, I wouldn't have to board them, and they would get free board. Win/win

You are well within your rights to the separate checks thing. When we visit back home we never let people pay for our way, nor do we expect them to. That's just rude.

However, if your husband is looking forward to this visit. I say grit your teeth and bare them staying at your house. You have to give a little on that. I mean how would you feel if he told you your family couldn't stay with you?

Wait...I am going to amend this a little. Are six people total coming...or are they bringing six people? I don't mind hosting family, but I wouldn't host the families friends. That's pushing it too far.

I don't take kindly to someone telling me rather than asking. Next time they tell you that they will be staying at your house, just have your husband say "Oh, I have a list of hotels in the area that are priced modestly. I'll send that to you so that you can book some rooms for your stay." If they reciprocated on letting you stay at their house or offering, that's a whole other ball of wax. To me, this sounds like rude -- and presumptuous -- behavior. And if they're crashing at your house, the very least they could do is treat your family to dinner. So rude.

you are completely within your rights! i'm appalled that they would suggest you leave a key for them and just let them have your place while you're gone! my parents would be okay with this, but i'd never expect that anyone would do this for me.
there's no way to tactfully imply this. with folks this dim, you're going to have to be blunt (courteous, but very clear.)
something like 'how lovely that you're coming! it will be very nice to see you. i'm afraid we can't accommodate that many people in our home, so i'll be happy to help you research local inns where you'll be comfortable.' if that is out of the question you'll have to resort to 'it's very nice that you're coming to visit. it'll be a tight squeeze but we'll make it work, won't we? i'm afraid our grocery budget won't accommodate this many people for that many days, but i know a lot of great reasonable dining establishments where you'll be able to eat while you're staying with us. but the clean towels are on us!'
you have to make it clear to them that they need to pay their own way, while not making them feel unwelcome. it can be a touchy line to walk, and every family dynamic is different, so you have to tweak it to adapt to the sensitivities of those involved. but the bottom line is not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of.
khairete
S.

Having visitors for me is not a problem and we have family come for over a week once a year or so. This year so far we've had two and another group coming. The thing that got me was the 'leave the key under the mat'. That sounds very rude to me. I always tell people they are welcome to come and put them where I can, never give up our bed but have places that are comfortable and I'm glad to see them. Most, not all, of our guests leave a gift or pay for something as a gift and that is very nice of them although we don't expect it. I think maybe the problem is the attitude of your husband's family. I wouldn't not cancel a trip I had planned either. I would say we have plans then but maybe another time when we are free. Ignore the 'leave the key under the mat' comment and go have a nice time. I wouldn't stop having them though if your husband is happy to have them. I prefer to stay in a hotel though myself just as I don't feel like I'm bothering anyone and have more freedom.

You have to break this pattern. I know you are having issues with this but if hubby wants to do it for his family it is his choice.

I would go out of town the time they are coming, either with hubby or without. If you have plans to go out of town together then just forget to leave a key. If they show up and look like they are going to break in make sure you tell the neighbors to call the police to report a break in. The local police might try to call you to ask if they have permission but if you don't answer the phone when they call you don't have to explain your predicament.

Do not change your plans, go out of town and do not leave a key. Do it enough times they will stop coming.

If you can't go out of town and can't get hubby to not feed and house them then let them stay but make sure the house is empty of food and don't offer to cook for them, make bologna sandwiches for every meal, buy the Rodeo band luncheon meat that is gross and day old bread. Then only buy off brand mayo, eeeewwweeee, it's so oily and nasty.

Let a gallon of mild go bad in the fridge, offer cereal for breakfast for them. When they open the milk and can't eat they will be annoyed and go get some groceries or they will go out to eat, either way they will get the idea.

Boil up a bunch of beans and let them scorch, burn the cornbread, or let them do the cooking. Make foods you know they don't like, only buy that kind of food and make sure that is all that is in the pantry.

They will either offer to go buy some groceries of will go out to eat for their meals.

You can do this gradually so they don't figure it out and get all mad. I would say plan ahead. Put all the more expensive food in a storage container under your bed, the dried foods and stored stuff that is in the cabinets. The cold foods can be used up before they come, just don't buy any that they can see and want to eat.

I think that they will find they don't want to come anymore if they don't get yummy foods.

OH!!!! You can also leave smelly stuff in the basement for a week or so before they come, if you have cat's leave the litter boxes in their rooms for a week or two then remove them right before they get there, leave the sheets dirty, do not put clean towels out, make sure the soap in the soap dishes is dirty and used up looking, ring around the tub would make anyone not want to bathe.

This could be a lot of fun to plan out. Making someone feel like not staying can be easy but the hard part is the not making it seem like it's on purpose.

We also have 6 people coming to stay over the weekend. We have less space than you do and we do not expect them to stay at a hotel.

But, if you don't want them to stay at your house, just be up front and tell them. "We would love to visit with you when you come, but we won't be able to host you overnight. There are a few good hotel sin the area, I recommend the XXX one because it has great rates."

As for going out to dinner, just ask the waiter for separate checks before everyone orders.

For me, I think it's a chance to really have everyone get good quality time together. It's only 4 days. They will have to all bunk together...get a blow up mattress or offer sleeping bags if there are not enough beds. If you really hate them staying with you, I'd have your husband ask them to stay in a hotel. But I think you could put up with family for such a little amount of time. Just make some super easy food (crockpot of soup with bread, grilled burgers and salad, frozen lasagne or spaghetti) and go out to eat one night where you split the check. If they are gracious guests they will offer to pay for your dinner. If not, oh well, don't worry about it. I would never tell my husband's family to stay in a hotel, but that is just me.

Your husband's relatives. Your husband's job: Deal with them.

It's too late, frankly, to send them to a hotel for this weekend. But at the end of the visit, he (not you! he!) should tell them very nicely: "It's fun to have you visit, but we wanted to give you a heads up that we're going to move the house around some so we won't have all the sleeping room we do now. And the kids are getting busier with activities so we're really booked up and it's going to increase. Next time you'd like to visit, give us a call, and we'll work together to find some great hotels around here. There's a (fill in hotel name) just (five or 10) minutes from here that people say is just terrific for family groups; I'll send you the link to their web site for next time."

Don't complain to them about this weekend or tell them it was horrid for you. Just smile and focus on the future. Unless you want some permanent rift where they huff off and say "You hate us!", leave the past out of it and don't go off on them over "how you've taken advantage of us for so long."

Your family IS busy, right? So BE busy when they are there. Example: Do stuff with them, but don't forego your own family stuff: "Oh, Kid X has a ball game that day and we won't have time to cook dinner. If you come to the game, we'll all go out for dinner after, and if you want to sightsee instead, we sure understand, you go do that. Just catch dinner yourselves somewhere you'd like, and we'll see you at home later tonight." All very friendly and open-ended but without any option where you have to cook for everyone.

If your husband likes and gets along with this sibling, you dont' want to burn bridges and cause lifetime arguments over what may be this family's total lack of social radar. Some folks really do not get that they are massively inconveniencing others, though they might be genuinely sorry if they realized it.

If they suggest the key under the mat ever again, do not change your own plans because of it! That's letting them have way too much power over you. Just say, "That doesn't work for us, but I'll send you some hotel information." And do it.