What Is Your Opinion on Custody?

I am not a child of divorce and I am not divorced myself so what do I know but... I think it would really suck to be a kid and to have to live in 2 different houses, have different sets of clothes, toys, different rules, etc. My daughter's friends's parents are divorced and if my daughter wants to have her friend over for a party or to come see a play she never knows where she will be because if she is at her dad's house she can not come.
In order to cause less disruption to the child's life what if the parents switched houses every other week:)?

I think it depends from family to family, but the parents should do their best to live close enough to each other that the kid's life isn't uprooted because of the adults' problems. I've been through 2 divorces because of my mom and had to move 3 times because of it - totally screwing with my schooling from 6-10th grade. When parents are thoughtless and selfish, it does a lot of damage.

My take on it is it doesn't matter what is fair to the parents, they are not the innocent in all of this.

My kids hate, and it is perfectly understandable, the 50/50. They just want to be at one house Monday through Friday. I don't think that is asking much, ya know, a little stability. My ex will have no part of it because he is afraid that will increase his child support.

They can't live with him on weekdays because they hate being late for school and apparently he doesn't seem to know how to get them there on time.

I don't think one parent full time is good unless you have one parent who just doesn't want to parent.
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I think anyone who thinks bird nesting is good has never seen it in the long run. Divorce is hard enough on a child but to put that out there as normal? What type of relationship are they going to have as adults? Sorry but parents have every right to move on and it is good that they move on. In moving on there is a really good chance of modeling a healthy relationship. There is nothing healthy or normal, or even stable about oh, it is Tuesday I guess dad is home.

I guess I see bird nesting to be based on a flawed assumption that it is the physical home that gives them stability. Sorry, it is the humans in the home that give them stability.

I think that the best way is the way that gives the children the most stability. I really don't care if the parents get exactly equal time, because it's not about their needs, it's about the kids.

I don't think that sending them back and forth during the week is healthy. Just because you can MAKE it work, doesn't mean it's best for the kids.

I think if it's going to be 50/50, it should be switched every week or two weeks to give the kids continuity. Less back and forth.

And if the parents live in different school districts, the agreement should be that primary custody goes to one parent so that the children can spend the most time in their school district with their friends, especially important when they're older.

It's not about what's "Fair." It's about what's best.

My parents separated for an entire summer when I was 11, and my brothers were 13 and 2. They agreed to split custody 50/50. I only see that situation as being beneficial for the parents. I was constantly being bounced around. Days with Mom, evenings with Dad. Every other weekend switched. It was hell. I had no stable home whatsoever. I'll never forget that summer.

Obviously there is no black & white right/wrong way to answer this "question". Everyone's situation is very different. Maybe Dad (or Mom) works a lot of hours. Maybe one moved a little too far to make 50/50 possible. Maybe this or that... but it's the job of the parents to decide what's best for the children, not what's best for themselves. If that means 50/50, then great. If that means the children live with one and see the other whenever possible, then awesome.

I guess I don't understand the question, because this isn't really a one-size-fits-all thing...

My opinion is that 50/50 physical custody is designed to be fair to both parents. In reality, I think it makes it hard on the kids and to some degree the parents and in turn not fair to anyone. I think that the kids should have one home that they are at most of the time for stability. It doesn't mean that the other parent (the one whose home is not their primary residence) doesn't see them regularly. For the sake of example...50/50 legal custody, Mom has primary physical custody and Dad has visitation....Dad should still be active in their every day life (attend extra curricular activities, help with getting them there or home). Just because he's not the one who has to put them to bed doesn't mean he shouldn't still be an active parent.

I realize that in some cases this would never work because of domestic violence etc. but in general if the parents would put aside their selfish and petty issues, it would be much better for the kids.

I have friends who have done the 50/50 (and later a variation of it) and it is HARD on all of them (especially the kids). I also have a niece that does 50/50 and it has been really hard on her. Her parents now get along better and even now live next door (to each other AND one set of grandparents) so she kind of "bounces" from one to the other. It works better than it did and everyone sees her all the time but her behavior shows it takes it toll.

This is one of the topics DH and I actively discussed before deciding to have children. No, our marriage was not in any difficulty at the time - we'd been married 9 years at that point. But he came from a household where his parents divorced when he was 12. Mom 'left' them and married a new guy right away, and the new guy wouldn't allow her kids at their new home unless they paid rent. (really.) Mom was content to leave the kids with an absentee father who wasn't good enough for her, but was apparenlty ok to raise her kids. It's a wonder that DH grew up to be the responsible caring man he is today.

ANYWAY, now that you have the background, I can tell you what we decided and agreed to. In writing. (though i don't know if it would hold up in court, but it'd at least keep us honest.) If anything ever happened that caused our marriage to end, our children would remain in their home. There would be no 'back and forth' for them. DH and I would split custody as we saw best, and reside in the house at alternating times.

With this arrangement, the kids would have the stability of one home. If DH and I decided to shack up with someone else, the kids would not get dragged through that. And being as our home would only be a temporary place to rest our heads, chances of the kids having to deal with a stranger moving into their house would be almost eliminated.

We would each be responsible for 1/2 the cost of the household, and our own personal living expenses. If we wanted to get a big house to live in or just a studio apartment, that would be our choice. The kids would not spend time at nor ever reside at our own personal residences.

Anyway, that's what we decided. If us parents can't get along, we should be the ones inconvienced by our decision. And it's not like it would be forever - eventually the kids would grow up and head off to college.

My parents were divorced and I hated the back and forth. My mom had full custody of us 4 kids and we "visited" daddy and his new family in their home. I would have hated 50/50 even more. My mom got married again for a short 6 month stint..what a nightmare having to live with this new man. Then divorce him and move out and start another life. The things parents do out of loneliness and desperation at their kids' expense is so sad!!

It was sad that my parents loved each other enough to make 4 kids but didn't love US enough to stick it out and put up with each other until we were grown and gone. In divorce the kids ALWAYS get the shaft...no matter what housing/custody situation is decided.

You caught me on a bad morning of having to still deal with the ramifications of my parents' divorce. It is a gorgeous day...things are wonderful in my own home. I luckily picked an amazingly patient man who loves and adores me and our 3 kids.

Yet my siblings and I are still having to deal with immature parents who won't get along!! Holidays,family events etc are such a pain with adult divorced parents who don't speak to each other. Seriously...they don't fight at all, but the tension and anger could be cut with a knife. So we all keep them separated so we can enjoy ourselves. Or we tell them you both come to one event cuz we are not doing two...and then one chooses not to come. Sooo, the grandkids miss seeing one of the grandparents. It is pathetic.

I have never seen a his,hers and mine type family that is peaceful and happy. I have vowed I am a one and done marriage til my kids are out of the home no matter if there were death or if my husband wigged out and wanted a divorce. There are so many stresses on the parents, insecurities of the spouses having to deal with exes and kids in the middle being shuffled back and forth on varying schedules with other parents.Not to mention what this does to their schoolwork. I have heard many of our kids' teachers discuss the havoc it plays out in homework getting accomplished and notes getting to the correct parent on custody night. It is a whirlwind..doesn't seem like the ideal situation at all for children.

Sooo...long story short...that is my opinion.

I know of one divorced couple who kept the family home.
That's where the kids lived full time.
The parents would swap weeks who would move in.
During their off weeks they stayed at their girlfriend's place or boyfriend's place.
It was a bit hectic for the parents - but they felt it was the most stable thing they could do for the kids.

I believe it is in the children's and parents' best interests to parent equally. I also believe that when a couple is together it is in the family's best interests to parent equally. It bugs me immensely that people think women should be the primary parent and that this is somehow natural and therefore right. And dads are essentially chopped liver (and the breadwinners).

Since in many cases of divorce, the father had never been expected to be a 'full parent' (he was supposed to work, make money and occasionally 'babysit' his own kids) - it seems a bit odd to suddenly expect him to step up to full shared responsibility.

I think the challenge to 50/50 custody is logistics. What I think would be ideal *for the kids,* which is often impractical for the parents and rarely happens, would be for the kids to be able to stay in one house 100% of the time and have the parents rotate in and out. Kids I know who truly spend 50/50 time really don't like spending one week in one bed and the next in another, or Sunday-Tuesday at one house and Wed-Saturday at another.

Weekend visitation is no picnic either - when my SD lived with her mother, she was an hour away from us so it was impractical for my husband to go to school events for her or parent-teacher conferences during the week so there was very little connection between her life at her mother's house and at ours. When she was with us Friday - Sunday, she missed out on the chance to connect with her peers on weekends by playing sports, going on playdates, etc. We tried to accommodate those as much as possible when she was invited to things and would invite her friends to come with us for the weekend, but more often than not, she just wasn't invited to places on the weekend because everyone knew she wasn't in her town and assumed that she was unavailable. Now that she lives with us 100% of the time, she has put down much stronger roots at school and socially. She misses her mom and her mom ever decides to show up and ask for visitation we'll have to accommodate that, but there is definitely an upside to being in one place 100% of the time, and my husband is definitely the better custodial parent.

My husband and I have discussed divorce many times (sometimes hypothetically, sometimes in more concrete terms) and a custody agreement would be the hardest part by far. Although I am the primary caregiver, he is very involved with all four of our kids and it really does take two of us to make our family work. If we ever were to split while the kids are still living at home, he would probably move into an apartment very close by and still see the kids almost daily because with four of them and two of us, we have to divide and conquer on after-school care, sports, activities, and their social lives. Hiring people to help us shuttle the kids around would make no sense when there's another parent who wants to see the kids anyway. Then it becomes a matter of "well if I have to see you every day anyway we might as well just stay married and not deal with the financial struggle of maintaining two households." OK it's a little less cynical than that, but you get the gist - the logistics are challenging either way.

Although no split family situation is ideal, hopefully parents can be flexible and do their best to accommodate their children's needs and if that requires shifting arrangements over time, so be it.

I've not gone through this as an adult but when my parents divorced, it was more "visitation" than custody, as far as time with my dad.

The best/fairest/most equitable idea I've heard? Let the parents move back & forth & let the kids stay put in the family home!

Such strong feelings these days about kids paying for the "bad judgement" of their parents, yet expecting these little ones to sclepp back & forth between houses is, I guess, an exception? No--it's not life or death, but it IS the kids paying for bad parental decisions.

I was interested in this question and reading the answers. My husband and I are, unfortunately, separating. He's a lousy husband and he's not a parent (he doesn't want to upset the kids so lets them do whatever the hell they want) but he very much loves his kids. The intent is for us to live in the same school district - maybe even within a couple of blocks of one another. After reading so many of the comments I am now feeling bad for thinking of the 50/50 because it sounds like the kids are being jostled around........however there is no me and him living in the same house - it's been wrong for us to be in the same house for a VERY long time and my kids are getting NO benefit from seeing a loveless/disrespectful marriage...........ugh. I am marking this to my saved items and hope there are more answers.

I think most 50/50 arrangements are hard on kids, though I understand them. Having both parents involved with the kids is the goal, as long as the parents are stable and sane. Would I prefer to be the primary household? Yes. With his ex, he stayed local for his kids. She moved away instead. We were primary for the sks. Friends of ours have both stayed local for the kids and they can easily see either parent and both parents are involved in school, etc. Theirs is a much more 50/50 arrangement. They are good parents, even if they didn't make good spouses for each other.

Now, how that works out varies. I went to elementary school with a girl who spent a year with one parent in MN and one whole year with the parent in CA. Even at 9 I thought that was stupid. If going back and forth every week or every few days is not working well or not an option, then other arrangements should be made that still allow for the kids to see both their parents. Whatever is decided, it should be predictable for everybody.

In some cases, it's just not practical or possible or good for the kids for there to be 50/50 custody. My DH's ex got summers in part because she didn't have to get them up for school - she could barely get them home in time Sunday night. It was better for the kids to be with Dad during the school year.

I'm personally not a fan of "nesting." That only lasts as long as nobody moves on and seems to keep parents in a holding pattern vs allowing everyone to move on. If DH and I were so broken that we could not live in the same home, I wouldn't want to share it with him, either.

What you are missing is that every family's situation is different.

You have no idea what goes on in private, and that dad who puts on a good show in public may be an abusive parent behind closed doors. It's great that the 50/50 custody has worked out for you. Other moms might be doing their best to protect their children and have no interest in sharing the details with you.

Totally depends on the individual situation.
I have always been the one getting my kids up, feeding them, packing their lunches, helping/checking homework, getting them to/from school, making dinner, taking them to/from sports, lessons and friends' houses, reading stories, tucking them in at night, etc.
My husband is a wonderful provider and father, but his hours are long, and he simply doesn't have the time to focus on the house and kids during the week that I do. His quality time at home is (mostly) on the weekend.
So, YES, if I had gotten a divorce I would have at least insisted that the kids stay with me Monday through Friday because that would have been in their best interest. In other words, the least upsetting to their normal routine.
I realize there are many dads who are more hands on and involved in their kids' everyday care, so that would be a very different situation.

As a child of divorce, speding school days with mom and every other weekend with dad, It was still terrible, Even at 15yo I remember thinking, as much as I love my dad, I really hate bopping back and forth feeling Forced to be happy and on my best behavior with him, HIm trying to entertain us, And feeling like he had moved on and we were just a remnent that he hadn't finished tying off yet.
He was a great dad, but it wasn't parenting, it was babysitting, and it didn't help to foster a real relationship. That was broken, when he chose to Leave our family ( he retained the house).

So, personally, I think in the instance of divorce, one parent should remain the parent and the other should just leave and cut ties because it's just easier than having the woudn scraped fresh every other weekend.

And to those of you who, do have shared custody and think it works, well , ehhhhh, if you kids could be real honest with you, I bet it wouldn't be as rosy as they try to make it seem, they just do that for your benefit.

To clarify though, I could NEVER ever ever give my kids up and not be a part of their lives. so I don't know how it would work if DH felt the same way. how to choose who is worthy would be impossilbe.

I have never heard of what ever this bird nesting thing is where the kids keep the house and the parents switch off. Interesting, I"ll need to think about that more.

I have heard that 50/50 custody is bad for the kids. They have no "stable" home. My kids are still babies, so they would stay with me. In fact, hubby and I would probably still live together to make it easier. If they were older, I bet my oldest would want to live with Daddy. If both parents are good people and have the best interest of the child in mind, then I say it's up to the parents. But sometimes the "better" parent needs to be the major role model.

IMHO, the best interests of the child(ren) are served when the parents maintain a "family home" where the children live full time and the parents move in and out according to the custody agreement. I don't think kids' sense of home and security should have to suffer because the parents made a bad choice in choosing their spouse.

If you talk to kids who switch from house to house, they will tell you that they go from mom's house to dad's house - it is never THEIR house. And I've had some tell me that just as they are getting comfortable in one home, it's time to move to the next. Not a good situation for kids and if parents were REALLY concerned about the kids well-being over their own comfort then this is the arrangement they would make, IMHO.

i think spending time with each parent equally is the best for the child!

i think your best plan is to sit down with your soon to be ex husband and work out a plan that best suits the two of you. you can do that and the judge will most likely approve it.

Most of the time when a divorce happens the wife comes out with much less than she had during the marriage. If she was a SAHM she is suddenly out looking for work that will pay the mortgage, car payments, utilities, and any other expenses that come along with being a single parent.

If the custody is 50/50 no one pays child support, no one takes the slack on medical bills, if one doesn't pay their half the doc just sues both parties, they are entitled to their money, if the father does not want the mother to put the kids in child care she cannot do so, if she does not want him to take the kids on vacation to Disney Land he cannot, every other year one or the other claims the kids on their taxes and the other one loses a lot.

If one parent gets married they then have dependents and can get those tax breaks on their own. If the other is still single they lose out on those tax breaks on the year they don't get them.

I think the children need to have one permanent home, where they know they are going to wake up next week, to build friendships with kids they go to school with, to make those connections that will last them their entire lives.

I think that the parent they live with to go to school and live with should have child support each and every month of the year. That money is for housing, utilities, food, clothing, transportation, all the things that allow them to live in a home and have a good life. Those things don't stop being part of their lives if they go on vacation with the other parent even if it is all summer.

I have a friend who's ex husband worked out of state for several years. He got a different job and they are in the same town now, living in the same school district. Their youngest daughter is pretty close to her mom, she's 9. The ex and my friend have 50/50 custody with no child support or any extra conditions at all. The girl is required to go to dad's house one day in the evening and when she goes to school the next day mom picks her up and so forth. On the day's she is to be picked up by her dad she starts almost as soon as her feet hit the floor not wanting to go to dad's, she just wants to be at home. She hates him more and more each day because her life is in such turmoil. She just wants him to move away and leave her alone. She begs her mom to find her an attorney who will fight this for her. Mom tells her that she is fine and nothing is wrong with going to dad's.

Mom is working 2 jobs just to try and live, she works full time at one job and then works evenings in a kid friendly place so her daughter is with her on the days she is with her.

As soon as this girl is 12 she is going to the judge and beg them to let her never see her dad again because she hates him since she can't be at home every night. She would be happy to see him a couple of times per month. They do stuff all the time when she's there in the summer, but she wants to have one place to live, not 2.

We're a his, hers and ours kinda family. We're happy. (I have since adopted his and he's adopted mine.)

I think it all depends on parental situation. In our case, my husband got custody of the children as the ex-wife didn't want the kids, except to make his life miserable. And I got custody of my daughter because my ex-husband never wanted kids.

When my parents divorced, my sisters were still living at home and my mom got full custody.

50/50 if both parents are fit parents and live close by each other.

I have 50/50 with my ex and I never gave it a second thought not to have it that way. We were already doing the visitations amongst each other before they set it up "offically". They just put down what we were already doing. At first it was hard on the kids, but they quickly ( with in a few months) got use to the schedule and 8 years later its never been an issue.

We have it set up M,T with me. W, Th with him and every other weekend.. F-Su.

What I think is - If it can be done - that the parents getting along and supporting each other parenting wise will smooth all else.