What Do You Tell a Child About His Real Parents.

I was raised with my Grandparents. They did a super job. Always made it clear that my parents loved me but due to choices they made in there life couldn't care for me full time. They made it clear it was not my fault and that everyone involved loved me very much. Be as honest as possible. Do not be judgmental let the child do the judging them self.

Be open and honest with him, but also recognize your limitations as someone who is very emotionally involved with the situation. Get him into some counseling so that he has the opportunity to speak with someone who is neutral and he can be completely honest with.

You're doing a wonderful thing in raising your grandson... remember, though, some levels of anger and frustration are best dealt with by professionals.

I am an adoptive mom, so I have read a few adoption books. One which might be helpful, is "Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past" by Betsy Keefer. I keep meaning to buy it from Amazon.com.

J.

How do the kids at school know? Lots of kids today are raised in adoptive families, without one or both parents or with their grandparents, an aunt, etc. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

Kids are mean and say ugly things out of ignorance. Have you asked him what they say that upsets him? Address his anger. Help him talk about it. I have an Aunt that now lives in a home but she is highly functioning all of the women in her home are. She can hold a job, and needs very little care to get through daily life. It's possible your grandson would be defensive of your son (his Dad) regardless of him being his Dad.

Counseling wouldn't be a bad idea. This issue could have a lot of reasons... he could be a little jealous he doesn't have a "normal" family, he could resent that. He could feel like he needs to stand up for his Dad anytime someone uses derogatory slang for mentally handicapped people. (Which is unfortunately popular.) He might be confused about who he is. He's a pre-teen. Those are hard years in the best circumstances. Perhaps through counseling you could eventually start joining and learn to talk openly about what is really upsetting him. (If that dialouge isn't happening yet)

Side note though - getting in fights is pretty normal. You could be worrying over normal kid struggles. His situation isn't standard - but LOTS of kids get in fights, pick fights, or get teased. Kids learn to push each others buttons and test boundaries. Even if your grandson had Mom and Dad, no unusual history, a pretty house and pretty white fence, with a little sister and a dog -- they would find SOMETHING -- his weight, lack of athletic ability, his height, a stutter, a slur, something his name rhymes with.. it goes on and on. Bullying is a problem in our schools.. it's been all over the news. Which is why I say help him talk about his feelings, help him identify how he feels, what they are saying that upsets him. Standing up for himself is HEALTHY. The kids that end tragically are the ones that bottle it all in. Teach him how to express himself to you so you can keep tabs on how he's handling it. Teach him how to stand up for himself in a more productive way if you're worried about the fighting, but rest assured that his situation probably has nothing to do with the teasing in the overall scheme of things. Kids are just mean to each other.

Wishing you the best.

honesty. He's old enough to fight at school....then he's old enough for the truth. Just be sure that he knows how much you love him.

I would seriously get the school counselor involved to help you with resources to keep him out of trouble. Be proactive, rather than reactive!

The best gift you can give your grandchild is the truth. He should not feel any shame about who he is. Every person has things in their families that could be made fun of or laughed at, but decent people would never do this.

You set the tone. How fortunate for him that he is loved and adored by his grandmother.Explain that you love him very much and how exactly you feel about him. It is an honor to be part of any child's life, and you chose to care for him, this also makes him special.

People that would laugh or make fun of anyone else's parents for any reason, is not worth his time. Bullying is also never supposed to be allowed in schools.

His parents cannot help their condition. They are who they are. He can represent them, by being the best he can be..

ANY child that is not being raised for any reasons by anyone other than their parents, are going to have feelings about it. He is entitled to these feelings, but he needs to learn to accept himself and his life.. This may take professional help as well as self confidence and self esteem. Just remind him he is loved, he deserves to be happy and he should always strive to be the best person he can be.

If you feel like he needs someone to speak totally honestly or someone to help him understand his feelings, please seek professional help. This is a good age for him to come to terms with himself.

Do you mean that the kids at school are teasing him about his father's special needs? Or something else?
I think your grandson is going to grow up with a great deal of compassion for people with special needs.
Does he understand his father's disability?
It's sad he's getting teased because my experience with special needs kids in my typical son's class is that they are kind and accepting for the most part. He's now in 2nd grade and I'm sure that won't last forever.
How does he react to the teasing? Ask him if he would like to talk to the school counselor about it. Also if it's relentless teasing, I think the school needs to be aware of this, as most schools have a no-bully policy.
Can he defend himself? I encourage my son to ignore mean words, but have told him that if anyone physically hurts him, he has every right to defend himself.

Gee, I wish you had asked this sooner . . .
I mean a few years ago.

First, THANK YOU for bringing up your grandson
in a stable, loving environment.
I'm sure your grandson is a lot better off
than he might have been in other circumstances.

Next, is there a family friend, perhaps an uncle or cousin,
from your side of the family OR from his mom's side of the family,
who could become a "big brother" kind of companion
on a regular (monthly? more frequently?) basis.

Not to teach him how to fight more effectively,
but to convey various "manly" attitudes and strength.

He will be stronger when he can incorporate the belief
that what stupid people say to him reflects on them,
not on him. He will have more tools to work with
if he can learn various self-esteem-building lessons.

Meanwhile, if there are any KARATE or TAE KWON DO
or KRAV MAGA classes available in your area,
it might be a good idea to enroll him in those lessons,
not simply for the physical ability but, more specifically,
for learning focus, drawing on mental strengths,
setting up a mindset that will help him protect himself
from stupidity and "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune".

Good luck.
.

Please find a Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group in your area, ours is wonderful and they often have resources that can help you and your grandkids to deal with this kind of issue. You get to meet other families in the same situation as yourself.

What do you tell? I think it would depend on what the real story was and how many people in town know the real story. I would tell the truth, but not give out too much information. I think I would get him into some professional counseling to deal with the his anger and to help him learn some coping skills without fighting. How about enrolling him in a martial arts class to learn some discipline and some self esteem? Kids can say things that are mean and that are meant to hurt and as you suspect it gets worse in middle and high school. Does your grandson have any good positive friends, does he participate in a youth group at church, does he participate in youth sports? Does he have any other positive male role models in his life--maybe Big Brothers?? Maybe get him involved in one of these areas.
Just make sure you tell him how loved and how valued he is by you. It is hard to raise grandchildren (without your added circumstances), is there a support group for you in your area that you could talk to? Good luck.

First tell him that when people are mean about things like disabled humans they are ignorant and scared because they don't understand it. Tell them these people are the ones who need to be pittied, not the disabled person. I would also have dad go in and visit with the class and let them get to know how cool he is and show them there is nothing to fear from disabled people. My kids school always had disabled children in the system with the non disabled ones. It taught the kids to be accepting and loving towards the disabled. It taught them to accept differences in people. I would suggest working with the school to teach them about it. Also make sure the school talks about bullying and how it will not be tolarated.

I also agree that your grandson needs to have some counciling, not that he is a problem but he needs some good advice on how to deal with the feelings these kids are bringing out in him and how to keep from acting out on them.

kids tease each other plain an simple-if it gets out of control it needs to be reported to the school-sounds like hes aware of the issues with his dad..but instead of focusing on the negative-make it a more positive enviroment with his dad..focus on the good...sounds like hes got alot of the family stress being put on him...

First of all tell him the truth....parents try to hide too much with topics like this.....then also get him in to see someone to talk to.....they can help with the bullying issue....teasing is bullying and no one deserves it.....have you spoken to someone at school about this issue also....he by now should already know that you love him and care for him no matter who his parents are....but get him in to a therapist to talk to.