High School Daughter

I agree with the other ladies, you could think about putting her in some kind of martial art class. Plus she can meet other children who would not judge her. Most of the time, the kids there are really nice because they are all there for the same reason, respect of themselves and others. And if she does not like it, then you can try some other kind of classes that gets her to be active as well. Who knows, maybe this is what she needs to give her the push in the right direction. I wish you luck!!!

Being a teenager is really hard. As a mom it's natural to want to protect her, but really this may actually be good for her. Learning to take care of herself and dealing with jerks are 2 of the best lessons a girl can learn. The best thing you can do is support her and offer help, but let her handle things on her own where she can.

There is not much you can do to build her self-esteem. By that I mean that most teenagers have low opinions of themselves and they are the only ones who can change it. No matter how much you tell them they are smart or beautiful, they won't believe it until they are ready to.

What you can do is remind her that these boys are only teasing her to mask their own feelings of insecurity and because it provokes a reaction out of her. Unfortunately, a lot of my students do this, and they always focus their jabs at whomever will get the most upset.

One strategy I tell my kids is that when someone teases them, is to calmly respond, "How sad that you feel so badly about yourself that you have to try to put other people down." You'd be surprised at how often this completely knocks them off track. She should also practice 'confidence'.... I tell my kids that no matter how ugly, fat or dumb they feel,that if they act like they are completely confident and feel good about themselves, they will find that others will see them that way, and they soon will too.

It worked wonders for me in school. I was (and still am) a larger woman, and would always get picked on, but once I started saying things like, "You're just jealous because I have curves." or "You must really like me to be looking at me so much" I found that the teasing almost completely stopped, and what little still happened I was able to easily shrug off, because I actually started to feel confident. Have her take some time each morning to tell herself what a great girl she is, and maybe write a list of all the great things about herself to look at when she starts to feel badly. Sometimes we forget just how amazing we are.

There are a lot of 'curvy' girls on my campus, but it's interesting to see that the only ones who get picked on are the ones who seem to be ashamed of it. I have one girl in my class who would be classified as obese, but I have never heard anyone make fun of her or call her fat. In fact, many of the boys think she's 'hot', simply because she is confident and smiles a lot. She doesn't cover up (nor dress like a tramp).... she just wears clothes that flatter her figure and seems comfortable in them.

Interestingly, the girl that does get picked on is far slimmer, but tends to wear clothes that cover her up and often looks down and doesn't talk to her classmates.

Help her to think of a few good responses and pratice them until she feels confident with them. I don't know how nasty you want to get, but one of my favorites is turning the tables.... like... if they were to ask when she's expecting, I might respond..... "expecting you to grow a brain? I think I've given up on that one." Or about the necks..... "more than how many brain cells you have left." I know it's a little mean, but honestly, high school really is a jungle, and sometimes you have to go for the jugular.

Hope that helps! Good luck!

My response is similar to other responses here in some ways and very different in other ways.

I believe the MOST important thing to do is to ASK your daughter if she is interested in changing her body or becoming healthier. If you just do it or force her, she may/will resent you for it. She may feel that you think that the boys that are teasing her are RIGHT and that is the LAST message you want to give her, isn't it?

When you ask her you might want to use words like, "Honey, I think you are PERFECT just the way you are, but if you feel like you want to make some changes I will certainly help you and even participate with you in doing so, but don't do it for any other reason than YOU want to do it for YOU!" That way you are telling her that she is perfect in your eyes, that if she wants to lose weight you will support her in doing so, and that the ONLY reason she should lose weight is for herself, NOT for other people or because of other people's opinions.

Teenage girls have a hard time with self confidence anyway, so my best advice is to step it up on the compliments you give her. Try and remember to compliment her on at least three things everyday. If girls hear us complimenting them enough they do start to believe it. If nothing else she will know how much YOU love her and how highly YOU think of her! If her dad is around ask him to be more conscious of giving her more compliments too. Teenagers that have dads that compliment them a lot care less about the opinions of boys in school.

Hope this advice helps you a bit. Please feel free to email me ANYTIME!

Ohhhhhh, and don't forget to give her lots and lots of hugs everyday. It is a proven statistic that the more hugs we give our kids the better they feel and more secure they feel.

Good luck to you and your daughter, I know this is a very tough spot to be in as "mom"!

MY daugher just started HS this year too. She is not signifigantly overweight, but gained a lot of weight in a year, and her BMI was above the average.
We started visiting a nutritionist this year, at the advice of our pediatrician. It is about good health and a healthy body image, not being skinny. I have struggled myself over the years and was "fat" in high school.
With the emphasis on over all family good health, and a balanced diet. We have made some changes for everyone, cutting down to 1% milk, changing to whole grain breads and whole wheat tortilla's for taco's and wraps. I insist she participate in SOME form of physical activity every week. We take walks and she sails, which is much more aerobic than I thought. She has lost nine lbs and three inches from her waist! The nutritionist is calm, supportive and encouraging.
I cannot stress enough how this has helped her, and me! I learn something new everytime we see her, which is about once every two to three months.
Sned me note if you would like to know where we go or ask your doctor for a referal. It is covered by our insurance too.
Unfortunately you cannot be there all day to protect her, but you can help to build her confidence to survive (and even maybe enjoy) these tough years. My very best to you both :)

I know that I saw the bulls back in high school and never really stepped in but i noticed they really only picked on those who were going to take it. If you know that she may be heavy for a while why not teach her to be more confident in her body now and if it changes good but if not at least she can look at her self and say she's beautiful . I know my younger cousin is over weight and man some days i think she is more confident than i i have ever been. Teach her kids can be mean; many of them are mean because they are insecure with them selfs or some aspect of their life, and (others are just a$$es). But she can be quick with come backs and just rely on her friends.

Hi V.,

Please let your daughter know that she is not alone. I was pretty skinny but had bigger boobs than most of the other girls in school, and I got picked on constantly for it. The girls called me a slut & said I couldn't see my feet, and a lot of the boys made rude & disgusting comments. Basically, I think kids will make fun of anything that's different about a person because they themselves are feeling awkward and insecure, and they are trying to mask their differences by pointing out someone else's. So my hope is that your daughter will not let other kids' behavior affect her happiness. Encourage her to join clubs that she is interested in, and she will find friends with common interests that she can enjoy spending time with, and ignore the kids who are being mean. If they think their comments don't effect her, they'll eventually leave her alone. Encourage her to lean on God when she's feeling down on herself, and let her know that the skinny girls in her class that she may be envying are probably just as insecure and unhappy with themselves as she may feel at times. I promise!

C. : )

As a High School teacher myself, it is so true that this age group can be one of the most insensitive. Does the teacher know this is going on in the classroom or is it specifically out on campus? I would tell your daughter to talk privately to the teacher (if she's embarassed, she doesn't have to be more specific than "This student(s) is hurting my feelings." If one of my students came to me and said this I would automatically be more on guard and protective of her. The classroom is meant to be a safe space for everyone. I would also remind your daughter that whenever someone is usually making fun of someone else, it's to divert the attention away from themselves and their problems. Poor girl! I hope it works out.

I reared 3 daughters, 1 granddaughter, and grandson. Kids are mean! We moved to a different state where our accent was very noticeable and we were teased constantly. Years later when my granddaughter was a sophamore she encountered a basketball coach who would question her friends and asked if "Sara" was gay!! When it got back to my granddaughter, she was devastated. She started self-destructing. At the end of that year, she left public school and started homeschooling. It was years before she recovered sufficiently to face the world again. Pray, pray, pray! Keep your eyes and ears open to any signs. Try to keep an open dialogue with your daughter, but don't hover or over-react. Guide her to find who she is in the Lord. If you aren't in a church with a good youth group, find one. Approach any diet talk from the perspective of being healthy, rather than from a looks standpoint. "Barbie" has done enough damage already. If she seems the least depressed, get her some counseling. Don't wait until she's bulimic, or worse, on drugs. It's tough being a mother these days, and worse, being a teenager.
I hope this helps. I'll keep "V.'s daughter" in my prayers. J. B

Hi V.,

That happened a lot to me my freshman year and it damaged me self esteem for a while. Finally, my father took me to exercise with him and had me work with a trainer for 6 sessions whom involved me into Pilates. By my Sophomore year I turned my physical body around and my esteem improved too. High School is cruel and they still brought up those pictures as I slimmed down, but when they approached me I had more strength to make them stay away. My older sister whom still fights with the weight and didn't do anything to change in high school dropped out of high school her senior year and currently fights major depression. I honestly feel because we had different dads and mine took me to work out with him, showing how to work out for strength, not to slim is what did it for me. The Pilates is what gave me more energy and happiness. Push her while she is young and you will see her change. Try Pilates or have her workout with you or her dad. Good luck :)

I'm so sorry to hear that. I went through the whole being fat, and being made fun of too. Sometimes as an adult I wish I could've gone back and kicked all their butts instead of just ignoring them like I was taught to do. Ignoring them didn't stop them. But I do believe that if I had responded to any of their taunting or questions, it would have been worse. I think what really helped me was the love I had at home. It also helped when my parents got me involved in other activities. They signed me up for art and dance and things like that at the park and rec. I really enjoyed it. Most of those kids grew up and are still asses. Encourage her and praise her when she's being kind, helpful, and generous.

The truth is that high school kids are just mean. All you can do is tell her how great she looks and that what she think about herself is all the matters. Maybe you and her can have a girls day out... get her hair done (something new), her nails, go shopping for some new outfits. Little thinks like that help a person feel a little better about them selfs and maybe she wont care what the boys are telling her cuz she feels good about herself.

Hi V....

I know your question is old, but it popped up tonight and I always keep an eye out for those that have to do with being overweight. I was an overweight child and know how it feels. I'm about 50 pounds heavy now, but that's a far cry from the 310 pounds I used to be. I used a program called body for life, which the entire family can use. It will help everyone in the family maintain a healthy weight, even if you don't have anything to lose. It's very simple! Check it out on the web at www.bodyforlife.com
Plus there is a competition which she could enroll in to see if she could win that money for college expenses! :) Just a thought.

I have been a high school teacher for 12 years. I teach 9th and 11th graders. The teasing can be unbearable!! You may want to talk to her teachers. Make them aware of the situation so that if they hear anything in class, they can put a stop to it. Sometimes, as a teacher, I don't interfere because that can make it worse for the kid or I think they're really just messing around...but if her teachers know she's sensitive, they can intervene without making the girl feel awkward. Also, get her involved in extra curricular activities...anything that gets her involved in a group...something that makes her feel like she belongs!

Hi V.,

First of all remind her that no matter what other kids say to her that she is always going to be beautiful on the inside and that's what counts the most. Sure she may be a bit on the heavy side but it's not all about what the ongoing looks are for today. Models are placed otu there and celebrities are there showing off their great bodies but chances are that some believe that's what all teens should look like. Well guess what not all of us do! She has to remember to keep her head up and one day some one will appreciate her for WHO she is and NOT what is on the outside. I remember going home everyday gettign teased because i was a heavy child, and what's worse my family also teased me saying that I would never become a dancer beacuse i was way too fat or have anyone love my due to weight. I hasd tried everything to make my family understand that weight wasn't the most inportant thing i the world- well some listened and some didn't. Either way i've began to realize that if i was meant to be on the "skinny/thin" boat then God would have graced me with good genes- but he didn't so i have to work with what i got. Remind her she's beautiful in you eyes. And if you want you could try a fitness workout with her that way she woun't feel alone. Actually if you ever can find it there was a movie on lifetime called "Real women have curves" it taught me alot when i watched it. Maybe you could find it in your video store, and watch it with her. It taught me to appreciate my body and who I am even if no one else does.

Good Luck.

M.. =)

There really isn't anything you can do "for" your daughter. It is something she'll have to learn for herself. Make sure she has great friends that she can trust (plus family) to talk with. Maybe start exercising with her... walk around the block and build up to running while talking about the day. Go swimming together. Learn better nutrition and how to look for the foods/drinks that counteract the exercise. Teach her how to be assertive (without being mean or spiteful), how to garner her own self-esteem and self-worth. Teach her how to stand her ground and defend herself. Teasing in any form is unacceptable, but she'll need to learn to put people in there place and not accept that behavior towards herself. It is much harder with girls and women to learn this, but in the end if she does learn, she will be a strong and capable woman. Good luck and I hope this helps. I had a similar problem when I was a teenager; except I was way too thin (I only weighed 80 pounds) and people would pick me up without my consent. It was a hard thing to learn to tell people, "No, that is not ok."

My advice to your daughter, just ignore them, don't let them get to you. I have had problems with name calling too, and authority figures don't always help, just ignore them and find people who accept you the way you are.

My advice is to encourage (make - in mom language)her to get more involved. I didn't face the same issues as she is in h.s. but I was the "new girl" for awhile and didn't know where I would fit in. I joined some teams, got involved with the year book, and the school newspaper. It took some time but I'd say by Thanksgiving I had made some friends. When she finds a place where she fits in the bullying won't have such a devastating affect.

Hi V., my daughter is 13 now. We we went through the same situation last year, one of those clown class it was very difficult for her to face the situation every day. We prayed together every day, and we kept faith. I spoke with the principal also, and it seem the same with this particular boy. I recommend you to hang on there, write letters to your daughter and let her know how valuable she is, and don't let anybody to put her dreams down. She has to persuit in her dreams to come true and stay away from negative people. I hope this help! I will have you and your daughter in my prayers.

Hi V.,
My name is A. and I am 23 years old with a 2 year old little girl. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. When I was in high school I was a size 11/13. I was considered "bigger." My nickname was always "Fat Girl." I was envolved in school greatly. I was a cheerleader and I was on the track and field team. The advice I would have to give you is to get your daughter in some kind of sport. If it is dancing in a studio to getting her a gym membership so she can participate in the womans classes. Change the whole families eating style. The south beach diet cookbook is great. The food is good and heathly. I hope everything works out for you and in order to help your daughter, the whole family should change their eating habits. If you dont mind me asking.... What size is she? God bless and feel free to write anytime. ____@____.com

If your daughter is in a Vallejo public school i would try a privite school. That is what we did after movving here from daly city we had the same trouble and the school realy cant controll the students. We went to North Hills Christan School and it has been great for our daughter they dont allow tht kind of hurtful talk.Teaching them how to get along with eachother and everyone else helps them to reamber to be nice. Good luch

I always tell my son (10 years old) to ignore mean people, but as we all know, that doesn't always work.

Tell her to ask those people of they are trying to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad about herself. Maybe when faced with the ugliness of their actions they will stop.

Putting her into situations that build her self confidence where people praise her for her abilities always seems to help too.

I wish you all the best.

V.,

A lot of good advice here but I had to put my two cents in.

A Karate class might help unless she is one of many that are not that coordinated. In that case she will only feel worse.

Going to the teacher (or a teacher) is also a good idea but I know from experience that sometimes a teacher will turn on the child coming to him with a problem because he is uncomfortable dealing with it. I recommend going to a trusted female teacher even if your daughter is not in her class right now. She might have some insight into handling the situation.

Now I am going to give you the difficult idea. (This advice assumes that you are working full time, if you are not, ignore the following paragraph. Our children need us the most when they are teenagers even though they act as if that is not true. Is it possible to get out of work when your daughter gets out of school or bring some work home so that you can be there when she gets home? Walks together could not only help her self esteem but also get both of you exercising. It could be a bonding experience for you both and a de-stressor talking about your days. Also you could work together making dinner. Maybe letting your daughter pick out recipes online (I recommend food network) and learning together how to make the recipe even healthier.

It might sound extreme but I view this situation as warfare. A situation that we need to attack from all angles. One of the ideas might not be enough for your daughter. You might need to chose a handful of ideas that resound with you and your daughter. Life can bring some wounds along the way. Putting up walls is many times the way that teens deal with their hurts. But rather than walls we need to give our children the tools to fortify themselves from within.

Also, possibly, purchase a magazine with large size models. Show your daughter how beautiful larger girls and women can be. But at the same time make sure that her weight is not a health concern.

Make sure that her clothing and hairstyle are not also being ridiculed. Those are easy fixes if you have the funds for it.

My heart goes out to your daughter. I just want to tell her that she will go on with wonderful things in her life and those boys will be forever tainted with the evil in their hearts.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

Hi V.,

Kids can be so cruel!!! I'd tell my daughter that she is just as God made her. She looks exactly like she's supposed to look right now. Also tell her how boys mature WAY later than girls and they're just acting like dorks who have no idea how to be themselves and talk to girls. I'd keep going to the principal, even if it takes 3 or 4 times to complain about this behavior and I bet he'll do something about it. It's actually a form of sexual harrassment and you might want to ask the principal how that is handled. He'll jump then because it'll make him look bad.

I'm sure your daughter is a lovely young woman, and it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Good luck to you and your family! And remind your daughter that this won't define her life. It's really just a little dot on her whole life. She has a lot of living to do and after all, she's just as God made her.

V. t

It's not going to get any better...kids are mean; society is mean...I do not know if your doughter has a medical issue that causes her to be overweight, if not, you need to start her on a healthy diet with excercise included. If not, she will be an overweight unhappy individual for a very long time because society is not going to let her forget that she is overweight. Help her now, start cooking healthier and join in on activities with her to help both of you be healthier people. Encourage her and let her know she is beautiful but please help her lose weight.

Hi -I don't have a school age child yet (mine is 14 months old) but I was a school social worker in Illinois for several years. Please connect your daughter to activities where she can be appreciated and develop a strong sense of self and good self esteem. She can volunteer, join a club, take up a sport, or take classes.

One very reputable place to volunteer is theraputic riding programs. They are in every state. I know lots of young high school age women who volunteer helping handicapped children ride horses through NARHA (North American Riding for the Handicapped Association) this is a group that requires no horse experience but gives people a place to go where they can learn some skills and help others at the same time. You could volunteer a couple hours a week with her if you had time.

I also know that some mother/daughter self defense classes are a way to get your daughter feeling more sure of herself and less vulnerable. I am not advocating any sort of violence but a way for her to become more secure in her body.

High school kids can be horrible. Make sure you pay close attention to who she is hanging out with and encourage/support her to make healthy choices during this difficult time. This may also be a good time for you both to walk together daily, pick up bike riding, or teach her to cook low fat, healthy meals.

Good luck and I hope this helps!
K. A

I know how it feels also. I was always overweight is school. If you can afford it the one thing that I noticed helped me was going to the gym. Eventhough I was still heavy I got stronger and my body toned and I had complments asking if I was training for karite or something. It gave me more confidence in myself and I knew I could "take out" amy of those jerks that bothered me. Its a double positive (excerise & strangth inside). good luck in your journey. L. C.

Hello V.,

Self Esteem in young girls is very important. I struggle with self esteem with my six year old at times. One suggestion I would make is Judo courses to empower her own inner strength. My six year is a yellow belt in Judo and in the dojo, they really focus on self esteem.

Let me know how it goes or maybe you can pick something else she is interested in and develop other areas within here to strengthen her inner being.

Good luck, I understand it is extremely difficult.

B.

First of all no child should ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe to go to school. Has the principal taked to the parents of the boys? If not request a meeting!!! Now a days this is harassment and if she has witnesses im sure you can take it to a higher level if it does not stop. Assure your daughter people that pick on others do it because they want to take the spot light away from their own fawls. No one is perfect and to worry about it is point less. Have her involve her self in clubs at school to focus on positive things and people.

i too have a daughter over weight. We walk together this keeps her weight under control and is good for both of us. she is over weight but healthy and has good friends. Her high school is large and she found a group she "hangs " with in a class room at lunch so she doesnt have to be out with everyone at the lunch hour. to tell you the truth her african american friend has been the best. she herself comes from a large family and see's passed it.

Hi V.

I think Bea might be on to something when she suggested a judo course. Not only will she benefit from the exercise and self discipline, she will be able to learn self discipline and increase her own self respect. In the event that judo or martial arts does not interest her, maybe a membership to the health club where there are a variety of ways she can exercise.

It is hard when our children are hurting and we feel helpless to intervene on their behalf. My "baby" is now 31 and I still feel the pain when she is hurting.

Good luck and always let her know how much she is loved and respected. Kids, no matter what the age, can be so cruel to one another. I will be thinking about you.

D. G