What Can I Do About My Sister's Lack of Interest in Her Children?

Maybe she needs to go to the Dr. She could be depressed and need some medication to help balance her out. It is very common for mothers to go through this. It may be very overwhelming for her and she may not see it like you do. Good luck, it is a hard situation.

Do they have any kind of delays? The reason I am asking this is because if they did and she contacted ECI there are early childhood specialsts and counselors that can help her with the relationship with her kids and they would go to her house.
I also think if you read things about post partum and then tell her, look what I have been reading...I see you not enjoying this a lot...do you think this may be one of the reasons?
The parent child relationship is so crucial on the early years and she may not be aware of it either. It could also be a conversation to have with her.
Good luck

Wow, C., what a painful situation. My first thought about your sister was to wonder if she has an undiagnosed hormone imbalance, particularly low thyroid. I know I became very apathetic and really felt like I had a glass wall between me and the rest of the world when I was undiagnosed (I also had mono a couple of times during that period, and that really contributed). So I would try to find ways to encourage her to get a thorough check-up with a knowledgeable doctor.

Have you been able to talk with her much about any of this, even in just a general "you don't seem like you feel well" kind of way? We all get defensive when our parenting skills are questioned, so I know that will be touchy. Do you think she is just overwhelmed, or depressed, or feels incompetent? As for her son, she may be projecting feelings about her husband onto him and rejecting her son instead of really rejecting her husband (just a shot in the dark).

I think you are doing a wonderful thing to be so compassionate and to provide coats and socks for them. That may be all you can do: offer love and normalcy to them to the degree that you can, pray for them, and try to also love and help your sister in a non-judgmental way. It sounds like that is what you are doing now. What a sad situation. On a positive note, congratulations on adding a new baby boy to your own family soon! God bless you.

I really have no advice. I'm at a loss and am so sorry that any child would ever feel unwanted or unloved. The only thing I wanted to say was, don't give up on your sister or her children. It sounds like you are their only hope and they need you. Whatever you do, don't make your sister so angry that you are not welcomed as a part of your neice and nephew's life. I'll say a prayer for you all.

I have to agree with so many other posts. Your sister may be suffering depression and needs help. If she won't acknowledge it, then you need to make the hard choice and report her to CPS. I think in the end you'll all be better for it, especially her children. But you'll need to ask yourself if you're ready to take on the responsibility of two more children, especially since you won't want them placed in your mother's home and I'm assuming you don't want to see them in foster care either.

Keep us posted . . .

One thing that I have learned as a parent of two little ones. Every parent has a different priority for their chidren. Plus if it is not important to them then they will not be important for their children. If she has a messy house and it does not bother her, then it won't bother her that her children are messy. I don't know if that is what is going on here; however, I am not sure if you can change her behavior.

Also, it sounds like she does get some help with the kids. However, I know that I am a much better mother when I get some time-off because raising kids 24 hours a day is frustrating. I am lucky that I work fulltime as I don't know if I could handle it 24 hours a day without any break. Maybe there are some options to have someone care for her kids - mother's day out or something along those lines a few days a week. Just a thought.

C., I REALLY admire you. So many people see things like this and keep going because they feel they cant make a difference, but we ALL can make a difference. I never understand why people ignore their children like this, what I can say is that there is no excuse. It doesnt matter if they (mom and sis) think you are nuts. Stand on what you know is right. If your sister does not do her best to change, there needs to be someone stepping in for these kids, who will speak for them? Please speak to your sister about this, and be frank, tell her exactly what you have told us, it doesnt matter if she gets upset, its obvious you wont do it in a loud, mean way. If she gets upset tell her she should be greatful that you love her kids so much, I always admire when someone tells me I could do something better with my kids (in a constructive way of course) because it makes me feel that they care for my kids. No one is perfect but the kids have to be taken care of and protected. She needs to get some counseling and also some form of parenting advice/education. Good luck.

Those children really really need you. Do everything you can to help them. Dont give up! Your sister is severly depressed.
Call CPS....you DO NOT have to give your name. But be aware you might be asked to take the kids if they are removed from the home. Dont give up on this. These innocent children did not ask to be born and need to be loved and cared for. They are so lucky to have you!

Definitely start documenting everything like a previous poster said. It sounds like severe post pardum to me. If you love her, you should turn her over to CPS, I am pretty certain you can remain anonymous. Although with all the documentation she may still find out it is you.
Honestly, if I were in your sister's shoes - and I did have PPD with my kids - I would want someone to turn me in and force me to get the help I need. It may cause short term heart-ache, but long-term health and happines for her kids.
Good Luck, praying for you.
L.

Tough call. If you truly think they are neglected, then you need to call CPS. If you just think she has a different style of parenting than you do, then you have to respect that you are different. If you've talked to your mom and her both about it and they both think you are overprotective, are you maybe a little bit? Also, I don't know how often you see them, but maybe you seem to catch her on bad days - a 2 year old can be a handful, especially with another little to deal with. If you are concerned about the attention the boy gets, why not "adopt" him. I don't mean actually take him, but my sis in law has a neice that she always takes along as if it's hers. She takes her to the movies, takes her to the park, etc. Invite your nephew over and spend some time with him. Heck, invite both of them if you can handle it. If you do it often enough, they will see another type of parenting/lifestyle and that will play into their adult expectation. Meaning when they grow up, they will know 2 different households and will determine that they think is "normal" and will hopefully make good choices to reach the "normal" life they want for themselves.

Well C., first you have to remember you and your sister are two different individuals, and the obvious is that your views are different regarding rearing your children. The only thing you can do is help out where you feel led to lend your help(rearing, clothing, food, etc.) and not concern yourself with the rest. You're a lot like me when it comes to your children and their well being. Parenting is not my favorite thing in the world, however I made the choice to have them so I do what it takes to raise them. You're a mother and a wife and that's a tremendous amount on your plate. You continue to do you and take care of home first and again lend a hand when you feel led. Take care and keep being the caring individual you are.

Just keep being the awesome aunt that you are! Make special time for the kids and keep the warm presents coming. 2 year olds can be a great handful, especially to somebody that cares for them 24/7 so try to cut your sis a little slack. Maybe you could give her a little special time and attention too. Also, find some games you can play with your sister and the kids. My 2 yr old nephew loves ring around the rosy, and is starting to get the hang of hide and go seek (instead of counting we sing a song). He also likes to work puzzles with help, color with chalk, and play with playdoh. Maybe through playing some games or doing activities with all of you she will learn from your example and also get some much needed adult time with you also.

I agree with everything Stacey wrote, and also wondered if your sister could be suffering from post-partum depression? I hope you are able to help your neice and nephew.

Are there any resources on the father's side of the family? Someone he trusts that would talk to him about what is going on? I do believe there should be free resources for mental health if they do not have insurance. You just will have to search. She should definately see a doctor. I would spend as much time as possible bonding with your sister and talking to her in an unthreatening way. Hopefully she will come to realize you are trying to help.
Best of luck. Don't give up. Those babies need you.

Hi C.. It took me a couple days to think on this.

I have seen mother's love their children differently. It is heartbreaking. My friend in college mother only showed affection and adoration to the middle daughter who was the pretty child of the three girls. The eldest took many years to get her life together and now does better that she has found a good man and a beautiful family of her own.

My very own wonderful sister treated her children differently and if it weren't for her wonderful husband who adored each child the same, things may have been different.

Another one of my friend's daughter in laws treated her eldest child so differently that we too had debated on calling CPS. It was so abusive and we were not sure what to do. SOme of the stories would bring tears to your eyes.
I intercepted on a couple of occasions even though I am not family and the daughter in law will not speak to me or even come over if she knows I am there. The family has fought with the husband to take action and it divided their family. He believed his wife. We believed what we saw when he was not there.

CPS is pretty serious and the children will be removed from the home. She will probably never speak to you again and than your influence will be lost.

Did something happen to her? I would think that maybe something has. Maybe her husband did something and the boy reminds her of him or something happened when she was younger that she might not recall and it comes out on the first born. I agree, postpartum depression too will be most horrible if you have it.

Can I ask that you speak with her letting her know what you see and you love her so much and you are worried, what can you do? Can she go to counseling and you will watch the kids? Will she go to the doctor and talk with him about her home life and you will watch the kids?
She will not heal on her own. Please take this all very seriously. Women that are suffering sometimes can do terrible things to their children.

If she is just a messy person or too lazy to dress her kids or bathe them - some people are that way too - than you have to bite your tongue and maybe clean while you visit. If she loves them haphazardly but they are safe and cared for, then you have to do what I think you have already decided to do - be patient. If she is neglectful because she lacks the energy or desire, maybe a large family was not what she needed and she needs your support. Could you take the boy or two over to your house some days?

It all comes down to the children. Life will be harder for the eldest and especially since he is singled out. It will affect his self esteem and who he becomes. She may be actually reaching out for help and the child is the closest she has and when he fails because he is a child, she lashes out to him.

I would like to recommend that you speak to a professional about this and get a real opinion on how to help her. You are so wonderful to be so concerned and so loving to her. Makes me wish you were my sister too.
God bless the children, C.

sadly i know some mom's like this. especially to their son's like they resent them for being boys. it is a hard situation to be in. i would just try to talk to her about how she is feeling. but most of all you can be there for her kids as much as you can. they will love you for this & at least they will know that if they ever are in real trouble or need someone to talk to then they can come to you

Could it be post-partem depression? It can show up even a year after giving birth. Or has she always been like this? Just a thought.

Sounds like you are the blacksheep (in a good way) by not following in your mom's footsteps. Your sister may not have the filth that you described your mom having but I bet your mom was not ever nominated for any awards while you were growing up and your sister picked up a portion of that in her child raising habits. I understand your concern but unless you truly fear for their safety it is not something you can just simply fix and if you do fear for their safety then you are going to have to have the law on your side and be prepared to offer a refuge if you don't want them going into the foster system. Not to mention the fact that you would most likely sever all ties with your family. Your best bet is to be a good aunt, give them a safe haven to always feel welcome and comfortable in and let them know you are there if they need anything. Most of that is going to be needed more as they get older. From your comments I would also bet she is not happy in her marriage and may possibly end up a single mom at some point, you really want to keep those lines open then because that is when she is going to need you and be willing to rely on you for support/help the most. Good luck and with everything remember to pray for her and the kids.