My little family is going through a really rough time. I'm at the point of asking my husband to move out because he is absolutely, certifiably crazy! His mental health issues are hard enough to deal with, but the biggest problem is that he is verbally abusive. He's started going to counseling (his second appointment was this morning) but frankly, he seems like he's just going through the motions, trying to appease me so I'll stop bugging him.
But my little boys are suffering. We've gone through this before, when they were much younger, and they started having behavioral problems then, too. My mom was the first to point it out when she came to visit. They're just hyper and out of control! They can't sit still at dinner. They end up standing on their chairs, won't obey the simplest direction from me, etc. My mom said it was exactly the same before, and that's what prompted her to ask if my husband was having problems again.
Last night, my 4.5 year old begged and pleaded with me not to leave him home alone with Dad. He has never cried, even when he was a baby, if I leave him with his dad. He hardly ever cried PERIOD if I left him with anyone! He begged for me to get a babysitter or to take him with me.
And two days ago, my 7 yr old's teacher called me personally to say that he's been getting into trouble at school. He's having a hard time focusing on his work, staying on task, and sitting still. She had to send him out to the hall 3 times the day she called. I talked to my son when he got home, and he said he was having a really bad day. He's starting to get picked on by bullies, who call him a nerd, or alternatively, names that imply that he's stupid. Thankfully, he's been welcomed in his new 2nd grade class with open arms (he skipped 1st grade in November). He says those kids are never mean to him. It probably helps that half of his class is gifted.
Anyway, when his teacher called, I immediately thought that maybe my 7 year old would benefit from talking with a counselor. I asked him about it, told him that I'm going to a counselor and it helps a lot just to know that someone else understands. He was so sweet and said that he knows that I understand, and he likes to talk to me about his troubles. I'm glad I can be there for him, but I still think a school counselor would be a great idea. He said he knows and really likes the school counselor (I know him, too, and he's really wonderful!) and might want to talk to him. I told my son he could talk to the counselor about bullies at school, problems he is having with adjusting to a new grade, and also about things at home.
I am pretty sure that school counselors have some child psychology background (not that they are psychologists--his school also has a psychologist) and that kids can talk to them about anything, not just school problems. Am I right? I took him to talk to my counselor once, but that was before he was in school, and there really weren't any child therapists in the area (we live somewhere else). I'm much more hopeful about the abilities of a school counselor.
How do I go about making an appointment for him? Will I be able to discuss my son's sessions with the counselor, too? It is quite obvious to me that my husband should not find out about the counseling, since I want my son to be able to say anything without fear of Dad finding out, but that same sort of rule could apply to me, too.
I never dreamed I would be in this situation, and I appreciate any knowledge and experience you Moms out there can share with me.
I feel like standing up and cheering for you (and your son).
What a smart idea mom! You are so caring to give this gift to your child. Yes, definitely get on the phone with both his classroom teacher and the school counselor and spill your guts. As a teacher, I am grateful when I know information like this because we can start to form a 'safety net of support' for a child and hopefully make school a safe place with lots of advocates your son can turn to. It is so helpful to let the school know what is going on because then if there are issues, instead of just giving the kid detention for the problem then the teacher or the counselor has an idea why your child is doing what he is doing and can work with him on strategies to modify behavior and be successful.
If your child already had a good rapport with the counselor then this is a perfect avenue to pursue. You may wish to have a meeting with all three of you but remember that the goal is to help your son sort through these issues so he might want some things to remain confidential and you should respect that. Of course if his health and safety are in jeopardy, then as a counselor is a mandated reporter, he/she would have a legal responsibility to seek help for your child and notify authorities.
Good luck - I think you have a great idea and should definitely go with it!
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V.W.
answers from
Jacksonville
on
I am pretty sure that anything your son tells the school counselor stays with the counselor. He can't tell dad, and he can't tell you either. If you have concerns about that, call up the school, ask for an appt to talk to the counselor and ask these questions for yourself before your child talks with him.
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T.M.
answers from
Philadelphia
on
You can send a note in his schoolbag and they should set up an appt with the counselor. Our school counselor has an email address. Do you have a website that you can go to and find his?
They are allowed to tell the counselor anything that is bothering them. My kids have gone a few times. I really think it helps. I wish you all the best.
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J.C.
answers from
Philadelphia
on
My daughter had a wonderful experience with her school counselor. She had to have surgery in 2nd grade and the anticipation of the surgery brought back the grief she experienced at 3 when her brother died. At my daughter's suggestion the school counselor actually put together a group of other kids who had lost a sibling. This was fantastic for my daughter!
I think they also have a group for kids who's parents are going through divorce.
I think it is great you are pursueing this for your sons. It certainly can't hurt.
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K.M.
answers from
Chicago
on
most of them are more like guidance councilors ... they help them figure out what is going on with school and if there are problems in the home effecting their school performance they help get the kids in touch with those people, at least that is my experience with it.
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S.H.
answers from
Honolulu
on
... in addition to everyone's ideas here.... what the heck is the Teacher/School doing about the BULLYING????????
At my Daughter's school (she was bullied in 1st grade), I TOLD her Teacher and the Teacher SWIFTLY took care of it. Better than the Principle did.
AND she talked to the WHOLE ENTIRE class, about Bullying... and gave worksheets on it and information to the kids. The point being it will NOT be tolerated AND she WILL tell their Parents.
You are doing what is best for your child.
Yes, get talk to the School Counselor... and ask him your questions... and tel him how Volatile his Dad is.
KEEP talking WITH your son. He NEEDS you. You are his only "shoulder" to lean on. His Dad, is harmful.
Protect your Son... always and KEEP advocating for him.
Your Husband... is really tearing the family apart.
Do whatever you can for your son and kids.
Yes, it is impacting them, horribly.
Perhaps, FAMILY counseling.
It is ALARMING... that your youngest ASKED & BEGGED not to be left alone with his Dad.
RED-FLAG.
all the best,
Susan
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K.P.
answers from
New York
on
School counselors are generall social workers, so they have specific training in short-term goal-based counseling (different than therapy which is more long-term and in-depth).
School counselors can work with your child on a surface level to assist your child in "pulling it together" in school and may run groups for children whose parents are divorced, but please understand that a school counselor is NOT supposed to replace therapy b/c there are some topics that that counselors will not touch.
Most school psychs and social workers will talk with you in general terms about your child's meeting, but they will not divulge details unless your child expresses that he or someone in the family is in danger.
Call and schedule a meeting for yourself with the school counselor. He or she will be able to talk with you and determine whether or not school-based counseling is appropriate.
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K.M.
answers from
Kansas City
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I am a school counselor (currently a SAHM, though). All school counselors have a Master's Degree in some type of counseling (mine is in Guidance and Counseling). That is one of the jobs of a school counselor. The last school I worked in was on a military installation and we had many kids with deployed parents. We dealt with a lot of kids going though transition, etc. I would definitely meet with the school counselor and have your son talk to him too! If you end up separating, the counselor can help there, too. I had a lunch group that met once a week full of kids with divorced parents. They had so much in common and enjoyed talking with other kids in the same situation.
