What Am I Doing Wrong? - Whitehall,MI

As MechanicaMama said... you've done some things very right.

- She DOES know how to behave (because she does for others) AND

- She feels SAFE enough with you to totally lose it. She boundary pushes, yells, screams, asserts her independence (toddler, early elementary and preteen/teen are the 3-4 times when cognitive & emotional leaps in *normal* development happen and kids wig out and push us away big time), and in every other way is just something of an exhausting nightmare. She trusts you, and feels safe enough with you, and knows you're not going to leave her.

You're doing things very right mama.

She has to have consequences for her actions. I would tell her some words are just for making people sad. Is that the person she wants to be? I would tell her some qualities you admire about her.
Also the skirt/ dresses issue is something normal and you should give in on that issue.
Everyone needs to be treated with kindness. I would ask her what do you get from this..then listen to her answer. Do you some extended family that could help with the discipline. I would try to do some local volunteer work with her. It will help her be kinder to her mom( you)

She will care when her door to her room is off. I would strip that bedroom to only a bed. No privileges at all. She is nine so I would take stuff away 3 days at a time. But her bedroom door would stay off and only go up when she has 30 days of not mouthing off to you. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not give a punishment out when your mad. Take a little bit to think about it then talk to her and tell her what it is. I would also encourage telling her when she is behaving and complement her on things well done. I would tell her you love her a few times a day. Have mom and daughter days when you can go get your nails done. Tell her she can look forward to some some fun things with you when she behaves. Good luck!

When your kids act great for everyone except you, you've done something right... They KNOW how they're supposed to behave.

The pre-teen time is difficult and I'm pretty sure what she says and how she really feels is VERY different.

Skirts and dresses all the time? My parents would've been thrilled!

As for advice on change... Don't know. The 'B' thing is out of line for 9yrs old, but the rest sounds pretty normal. Does she know exactly what the word b*tch really means? Maybe tell her exactly what it means... It may lose meaning to her. : )

As for the clothes, my SD was the same. Let her where what she wants now....it will change. One day my SD turned on a dime (abt age 7) and started wearing pants/jeans etc.
Be firm with her attitude. They start getting mouthy early these days but that is something I will not deal with or accept. You're the mom and it's disrespectful.
Teach her early so she respects you, her teachers, bosses etc.
Maybe talk with her and see what her deep seated issue might actually be: other kids at school, the types of programs she is watching, not having her dad around? Most issues can be resolved constructively even if the situations don't change (ie. Dad isn't in the picture.)
Hang in there, be firm, be consistent.

I am so sorry you are going through this! It can be so painful as a dedicated Mom to have their child be so mean, having said that - do not take it personally. I know, I know, how could we not. I would advise speaking with her (not like discipline), explain that it is hurtful when she is mean just like she feels hurt if someone is mean to her. Sometimes at this age kids don't realize we are people, too! I had to tell my son (who is now 10 1/2) about a year ago that I would never accept rudeness from a stranger and most certainly wouldn't accept it from a nine year old child!! Boy, that sure gave him something to think about. It was very effective. Please get prepared now to get a thick skin, my teenage boy (16) is think into those wonderful (sic!) adolescent years and they really know how to give some zingers. Breathe, pray & definitely try to complement her for positive behavior. And develop a good friendship with someone who you can confidentially confide how difficult it is to raise a child. Trust me, I sometimes wish I was raising my kids alone, am divorced and the Dad pretty much believes in a 'no rule' home at his house. Ugh! Good luck, you can do it & remember to tell your child you love her even when she is being a complete snit! : ) P.S. Treat yourself (mani/pedi/walk at the beach, bubble bath, NAP!).

Wow so sorry that you are in this spot. I say just get nitty gritty with her. She may say she doesn't care about priviledges taken away etc, but just see how she feels two weeks into no tv or whatever. Also her saying she doesn't care about you seems strange to me, so I think it would be good to combat that with, "Well I do care about you and always will, now go to your room!" Now that she has more of your time it seems she might want to challenge the limits even more and see what you do. Have you ever given her a sense you were sorry that her dad isn't around or that you have to work so much? If she smells guilt she may jump on it. I think it is because guilt doesn't add to security, so if you feel guilty at all, it can raise the sense of instability. Do what you need to do, guilt free, families come in different shapes and sizes:) My mom was single and raised my sis and I without my dad in the picture as well. Once when I was 10 I had a broken leg and decided I would sit with all the kids at the back row of our church.(the kids at the back just talked and ignored service and were moderately disruptive) I was not allowed to sit there and I knew this, so I positioned myself in the center of the row and propped my cast up defiantly. I just knew my mother would not have the guts to make me move. Oh contrair....she came in, glared at me and just stood at the end of the row, no words were even spoken. Finally I got up and move and was furious!! But hey, I may have been thinking that day that she was a total "B" but today we are super close. Not having a dad takes it toll and as a girl approaches woman hood the boundaries a dad would bring in naturally, have to be extremely firmly established by mom. I say just forgive her daily for acting bratty, and be very firm and try not to take anything personally. She may be starting to get those crazy hormones raging and just needs your loving discipline and stability all the more. Hang in there, I know from being on the kid side of single parent life that it is hard on the mom, but mine made it and I was a handful!!!!!!!!! I don't think you are doing anything wrong I think your daughter is just testing you to find out exactly what you will put up with. Hang in there mama:)

.

Does she have any responsibilites that she is totally in charge of? I know she is 9 but I think it might be time for her to start learning what it is like to be an adult. If she is already using adult language and attitudes then it is time to start giving her adult consequences. I know that it sounds odd to tell a 9 yr old to start acting like an adult but it is this exact turning of the tables that got my nephew to change from essentially what you are explaining to someone who has matured into a young man. This route is not an instant fix it but really who wants a band aid to heal a gash? Who is with you daughter when you are working at night? Could that be part of the problem?

no advice-I have boys (thank God!) But I have definitely noticed that kind of behavior in the girls my sons age (9) lately. I think that girls are growing up much faster than we did back in the day and that they are starting all the "girl" bs very early. They are also starting puberty earlier so hormones probably have something to do with it.

Don't let her call you names though. Keep punishing her for this. She needs those boundaries now more than ever.

Also-maybe try to do a nice day out with her this weekend if you can. See a movie, get your nails done, or whatever. Keep it low key-no preaching, yelling. Take the time to really listen to her. Something may be going on in her world that she doesn't want to say or is not comfortable talking about. Make sure to tell her how important that she is to you and how you want to have a good relationship going forward. Tell her how hurt you are that she calls you names. Find out from her what YOU do that bothers her. Try to make some changes if there are things that she says that you find to be valid.

I'm not usually a 'counseling' person, but, in this case I think it may help. I think you might need a middle person to help open up the lines of communication. There is obviously something going on with her, and you need to get to the bottom of it. Good luck!

Oh mama, mama, mama! She is pushing those buttons and seeing how far she can go past that line. Where in the world is she learning to speak so rudely to you? Usually its learned and you know what she may have learned it from another little friend at school and thinks it's "cool" to be so rude to you and mean.
I agree with the other poster's in telling her how it makes you feel and ask her how it would make HER feel if you walked around calling her an ungrateful little B**ch. And again does she even know what the word actually means in the first place? My kids have never been allowed to cuss what so ever even though my hubs was raised in the military and that is all he does-but he gets into trouble as well ;()) and yes even as mom I sometimes slip in front of them. :()( Luckily its not any vulgar ones because I don't tend to use those.
She needs to have some serious boundries set and she needs consequences with you and follow through with them mom. I can't tell you how many times my twin daughters where one had to miss out because the other one wasn't behaving and I completely left everything and just simply left. Them begging and pleading with me "Please mommy give us one more chance" I stick to my guns. It still happens but I can tell you this....the older they get the less it happens because they know mom is DEAD serious. You aren't taking away something that has enough meaning to her I think. My kids have a water baby that they have been attached to since toddler's. They have to have them when they sleep, going over to nana's, going to the store....everywhere! Baby always has to go no matter where we are going and they get VERY protective over them (getting upset with the dog when he takes off with it or another child) Guess what? I take them away because I know its something they care way too much about. You just haven't thought about it yet or found it yet.....you know your daughter best so what makes her tick mama? There has got to be something-or maybe it does bother her but God forbid mom know this though she wouldn't tell you that in a million years.
You also need to start opening that line of commuincation and build that trust-its been lost somewhere. You need to also get some thicker skin girl because I'm afraid its going to get worse before it gets better. Remember those remarks are lashbacks but play her own game with her-act like you don't care that she just said something so hurtful to you. However there is a big difference between saying something hurtful and being disrespectful.....try to recognize the difference and when she is being "disrespectful" act on it right then and follow through and be consistant. If I smell the least bit of Sassiness with my two girls I will look them in the eyes and ask them straight up " I know you aren't getting sassy with me girl" or Are you being sassy with me? They know better and know there will be a consequence if they talk to me like that-I don't tolerate it AT ALL. I never will either-I would even go so far as washing her mouth out with soap-I know its old as all get out and some people may think I'm the most horrible person to suggest it but I can tell you this much. My girls are 8 years old and I have NEVER had to do it but you bet your bottom dollar I threaten it and would follow through with it too if it didn't stop. Sure would. If that makes me a horrible mother then so be it. Good luck sweetie-you have a loooong road ahead of you but stick to it and yes it will be exhausted but just know you are working towards something and in the end the results will be priceless. One of these days she will respect you for it later on.

I'd get her involved with a child therapist through your local community mental health agency or your employee assistance program, and you'll be involved as well. Sounds like she's angry and is blaming you, which is what kids do even with really good moms. She needs to talk this out. It sounds like she's possibly starting to have hormonal swings too so I'd get on this right away before these behaviors get too ingrained.

try giving her one midol in the mornings before school or when she gets home. this worked for my 11 yo. good luck!

I am reading this book these days and think it may be of great help to you. Check your local library to see if they have a copy, if not it does not cost much to buy it:

"How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk"

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

it will happen on its own. I was a single mom too similar issues to yours. it was about this age when he started doing similar things.she does care if you take things away trust me. mine used to say that too. it is a way of trying to get you to give in (if its not working why do it) is her theory. hang in there and put a length restriction on the skirts :)

I'm a single mom with a kid who was really defiant, too. What I found (through the help of a number of people) was that I had to set the boundaries and be ultra consistent.

When he says he doesn't care and he hates me, it's because he really care and he's afraid that if he says he loves me, he'll get hurt with the response.

He earns an allowance each month (maximum $12/month). However, if he swears or calls me the B word, I subtract $0.25 each time. At the end of the month, he gets a sheet that shows what he earned and then total amounts subtracted for language, not doing chores, etc, categorized by type. Also, when he swears, I remind him that the money is being taken away.

The other thing I've found with him is that the defiance is totally fear based. Over the last 7 months he's gone fro ultra defiant to almost no defiance because we've been able to address fears. When he gets defiant and rude, he has to take a 10 minute break to calm down. If he won't go to his room, I just refuse to respond him for 10 minutes (and that is SO hard). The quiet helps him calm down. After that, he's able to say, "I'm upset because...." Then I ask leading questions or yes/no questions to draw out the problem in detail and to pinpoint the fear and we talk it through. One thing, though, is that I have to watch my posture when talking through with him. If he's sitting on the floor, I need to sit on the floor for the conversation; if he's sitting on the couch, I sit on the couch or floor; if he's standing, I'll sit. The reason for sitting is because since I'm bigger than him (not by much since he's 12 and I'm short), it feels like intimidation to him for me to be physically taller than him. So if I get low and even or lower, he feels like he is safer to talk.

I recommend the philosophies of 2 organizations: Love and Logic Institute (www.loveandlogic.com) and The Beyond Consequences Institute (www.beyondconsequences.com). Beyond Consequences first book "Beyond Consequences, Love, and Logic" helped immensely.