Wedding Gift Amount Crazy Expensive or I'm Cheap

I think that to consider the plate per person price as a gift is a bit of a tit-for-tat mentality, don't you agree?

I think the gift should equal exactly what you can afford.
No more, no less.

That would be way too much for me! I have never spent more than $100 and that was for a very good friend.

This seems to be a regional requirement. We live in NY for years and people who were from there did that same thing about $ for the dinner plus a gift on top of it. Insane I think. I'm from where you buy somebody a $20 cutting board and call it a day! :)
So I think the rule is ridiculous, but I have heard of it.

I give what I can fit into my budget. Depending on my situation at the time, the gift may cost $200 or it may cost $20.
I don't feel obligated to reimburse the couple for the cost of my place at the table.
When I got married, I invited only as many people as I could afford to feed.

$50 to $100 depending on how close we are to them. $250 is way too much IMO.

W.:

I don't buy into the "new" way of thinking and gifting for a wedding. When weddings started to become some "event" - choreographed dances, destination places, let's see how much money we can spend to impress people....this is supposed to be a celebration of starting a life together not a debutante ball. Since when did an invitation to a wedding become an invoice to help pay for it?

1. It's a SECOND marriage.
2. You aren't that close to them.

If the couple is close to me/us? (and by close I mean relationship - NOT distance) I spend a fair chunk of change.
If the couple is NOT close to me/us? It depends upon my mood when shopping.

I WISH I only had to travel "over an hour" for a wedding. My nephew is getting married next year - in California....that's $2K for the plane fare...just to get there.

The last wedding I went to was 4 hours away in Tom's River, NJ....

Communicate with your husband. Tell him again that he's done lost his mind. Find out how much you can afford to spend and spend that.

ew ew ew ew ew. i HATE this notion (is it newfangled? or am i just clueless???) that gifts need to be equivalent somehow to what the 'hosts' spend on the event.
no wonder i duck all invitations like the cavetroll i am.
i hate cash as a gift anyway. i do it sometimes since it's so clearly expected but i hate it. basically it turns an invitation to a shared-heart experience into a paid outing, and when i'm paying for an outing i want some choice in it.
but since cash is what all brides and grooms expect any more, give 'em some cash. $250 is WAY too much. $50 is plenty.
:P
khairete
curmudgeonly S.

Could you imagine if every person gave them $250? They would be rolling!!!
That is my electricity and water bill per month. Unless it's someone VERY close and special, no way would I ever give that much.

I spend $30-$100 at weddings, depending on how well I know them. The $30 range, is for not very close people. My job as a GUEST, is not to pay for their wedding. People shouldn't have stupidly expensive weddings, and have weddings they can afford. I shouldn't have to pay the burden of an expensive wedding.

I hate gifts for second weddings, have a celebration but for crying out loud why do i need to give you money that sould be going ot buy crapyou already have.

Yes that amount seems like alot but it depends on if this friend was a work colleuge and if going cheaper would reflect badly on dh some how. If other friends are going and are all giving that much then i can understand DH being worried. It also depends on what state you are in and how swanky the venue. $50 for fiends is normal for us but that usually coveres a plate of chicken and rigatoni at a firehall.

YIKES. I guess I'm cheap too. FOR FAMILY we usually top out at around $150. For close friends I'd get up to $75, and friends or co-worker type friends we'd max at $30-50.

Of course we live in Minnesota where everyone is quite practical.

J.

Well...! $200 is TOO much. Good gracious!

However, there is nothing unusual about going to a wedding that's over an hour away - to some of us, that's across the same city! And, it's not unusual to go to a wedding of someone who you haven't seen for a year when they have moved away.

This is your husband's friend. Had it been YOUR friend, you would not be thinking about the hour's drive. Regarding the time spent away from each other, you would be excited to get to see her again, especially for such a happy time. This is how you need to see things.

Your husband has heard this thing about a monetary gift being equivalent to the cost per person to the wedding reception, but really, that's not something that you need to do. Instead, see where they are registered and buy a gift certificate. If he really wants to drop $100, that's VERY generous. It might actually surprise his friend that he would do that. I think that more than that might be a little strange, to be honest, simply because they are not close to each other now.

Be happy for these folks and look forward to the reunion of your husband and his friend. Your hubby is reliving earlier times here, and that's great. Just don't let it cost you quite so much money!!

Dawn

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, so I still kind of remember. We received a few $100 checks from very close friends/family. There were quite a few $50 and several $25 checks. I don't think anyone gave us more than $100.

We usually give $50 for weddings and $20 or $25 for graduations. My husband is trying to encourage me to raise those numbers a little bit. But the reality is, we are giving what we can afford. Also, if you're going to go higher than $50, would you feel strange giving someone $55? Wouldn't you think the next logical amount is $75, or is it just me? Not sure we can afford to jump to $75 for weddings (too many!).

I dislike the idea that you give them the amount that covers the food per plate--as if a couple that throws an expensive wedding deserves more of a gift than one that throws a simple one!

I think you should give the amount that you feel comfortable with according to how close you are and how much you can afford.

The fact that your husband hasn't interacted with this person in over a year or the fact that it's a second wedding should not be factors.

I think if you're speaking generally, $100-150 is typical of a middle-class Chicago area wedding with $200 from close family members. How much richer people spend, or what they do in other parts of the country I don't know.

I find this "rule" ridiculous. You should give what is reasonable for you. I have been to a wedding where we gave nothing because we had nothing. I have been to weddings where we gave more because we could afford more. We registered for items up to the cost of a plate; a few people in this area gave us more ($200-250), but it was only a few. Most gave us gifts or cash worth maybe $50-100? Some less, some nothing, depending on their means.

You don't have to pay your way through a wedding. They are hosting and the meal is a free gift to you. If you wish and can afford to, give them a gift that seems appropriate based on your relationship and your means.

While I agree with most here, $250 is an awful generous gift for people who are apparently not close friends. But there are alot of other considerations as well.

Depending on what type of social circle you run in, it may be a political disaster and you may be viewed as remiss by not spending that kind of money on a wedding gift...even for a mere aquaintaince.

It's a tough call. You know the culture of that crowd better than us. You know your husband's relationship to these people better than us as well. If he thinks $250 is appropriate, than he's probably right.

Looking at the answers to the question - I now know why I am never invited to weddings - lol. Sorry, but I would only give what you can afford to - which in my case isn't all that much. If you are a guess - you shouldn't have to pay for your plate, but maybe I am old school - when I invite people to things it's my deal, so I pay.

Seems a bit much, unless you really have that much money...we gave $200 to my husbands brother & his wife. For friends like you described, we give $50.

I've never spent more than $100 on a wedding gift, and that was for close family members/very good friends!

Sorry. I have never been one to give that kind of money away. Not even to relatives. The only time we gave money to someone even close to that was when an old childhood friend had a fire and lost every single thing she and the kids owned. They nearly lost their hubby too, he had to go in to pull grandpa out of the burning house.

I think that $100 is enough for a relative and much less than that for an acquaintance.

I usually go with one hundred and raise if the venue is expensive. I have been to weddings that were 150 a person, you are getting a damn good meal for that price and I like to show my appreciation in the gift. :)

The thing here that bugs me is it is a second wedding. Gifts are about helping the young couple set up their house. Unless they both got taken to the cleaners in their divorce they should be set up. I told people no gifts, expected no gifts. People still gave gifts, o well.

So far as finding out, you would have to be brain dead not to figure out a ballpark of what a reception costs.

I have never heard of making sure you give enough money to cover your dinner. that sounds absurd to me. I say give what you can afford. Like someone else said, 50 sounds perfect to me.

That sounds pretty high to me. I would probably give $100 in your situation, $150 if they were closer friends. I have heard the "rule" about giving a gift equal to the cost of your plate, but I have never really felt that was a good rule to go by. I give based on what I can afford and how close I am to the bride and groom.

I don't think you're cheap. I think you and your husband should decide what you can afford and give that. I don't think I've ever given more than $100, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't. :)

I sure hope no one would pay 250 dollars per person at the reception....that gift is extremely extravagant. Is there a reason he doesn't want to purchase something off their registry? If he doesnt want to carry it, most places deliver for free.... If they want cash, they can simply return gifts and get it....If it's on their registry, they obviously want it...

If this is a new thing...give me the good ole days!

Godspeed!
M.

I spend 50 on people I know and closer to 100 for people who's wedding I am close enough to be standing up in or my fiance is. I personally do not do cash, but an actual gift, sent to their home a few weeks before the wedding.

Oh my husband was in a wedding, spent all kinds of money for parties, tux. He also wanted to give $250 and he said the same as yours. I said NO WAY!! I gave them $100 and that was a lot for me. I give what I can afford.

i watched a cheesy MTV wedding and the groom expected to make back what was spent on the wedding in cash gifts. This was the most obnoxious thing i have heard. maybe your husband watched the show and didn't realize MTV put that clip in to show the groom in a bad light and instead your husband took this to be tips from mr. manners on wedding gifts. Okay, i am trying to make light of this. (while typing i was reading other responses. super funny that the couple was from new jersey and posts mention this is expected in that region.)

Our wedding gift price tag varies based on our relationship to the people getting married. A best friend would get a lot more than a second cousin that we never see. The price also depends on the givers financial situation. If they invite their God father who is a multi-millionaire and their kid cousin who earns $40K i would hope they two gift would be different. In CA we were advised to select gift of different price points on my registry (my first wedding though) so guests can have options. Some guest want to spend $250+ and some can only afford $50.

When i was younger (last year of college to maybe age 27) i was invited to a lot of weddings. i made up my own rule about attending. If i did not know the person's middle name prior to the invitation then i would not feel obligated to go. In other words, i was not that close to them and would spend my time/money on other things.

Here is a compromise: I would let your husband give $250 if you both can decline the wedding. Deduct what you spend in gas (or travel) if you guys go.

I also agree with J.L in St Paul below. Not sure if your husband see it as networking as well as a gift.

When considering an appropriate wedding gift one should always consider the closeness of the relationship and the formality of the affair. If someone is registered at Saks, Bacarat, Tiffany's, you wouldn't want to give only $50. Considering your limited relationship with this person, and your spouse's desire to spend $250 for his friend, my advice is this: purchase a gift from their registry and perhaps choose to have it monogrammed. Spend $75 - $100. Then purchase an American Express gift card for $100. That's a fair compromise but try to remember that this is his friend, not yours. You wouldn't want him dictating what you spend on a friend's wedding gift.

$100 would be max for me

There is some general guideline that the cost of the gift is equivalent to the cost of the dinner. But, by no means, is this a rule. A gift is not a requirement to any event. It's a gesture. The invitation is because they want your company, not your money. Get them what you think is appropriate. If he wants to give them cash, I think $100 is more than generous. I would seriously doubt his friend expects more. And if he does, that's not much of a friend.

I think that amount would make them uncomfortable. I think that for friends the $50 - ish range is acceptable, with more being given for close friends and family. e

Etiquette-wise there is no need to see it as paying for your part of the reception. It is their resposibility to entertain in whatever manner they are comfortable, and your responsibility to give in whatever manner you are comfortable.

I don't usually like to give cash. I would much rather give a gift.

Hi- the answer depends on where you live. I live in NYC - and we give $250-$300 a couple regardless of how close we are to the bride and groom. When I got married in brooklyn in 2006, no one gave me less than $200 per couple and some people gave $400! But remember that our weddings are extremely large as well! Good luck with your decision.

$100. is plenty for a second marriage.

Not a new thing. It's very common in the northeast. The saying is "cover your plate" and has been going on for generations. The idea is you hear through the grapevine or do an estimate of what it costs per person to eat at the reception and that is your wedding gift.

Oh my, that is way too much!
I wouldn't go over $50
There is no such rule about paying any equivalent to what the host pays per person at the reception.
There are costs involved in throwing any party.
The host takes on that responsibility when they send out the invitations and guests do not reimburse them for it.
I wonder where your husband got such an idea.

I believe typically that it's $50-100/person to be very generous but at the same time I think a nice $100 check is a very nice gift. There is no reason to have to pay full price to cover your meal since they are hosting and you are the guest. I sometimes browse their registry because there are always sales at the store they register for. The last wedding gift I bought was a nice Cephalon pan retailed for $275 on sale at Macy's for $99 but with their extra coupon the price dropped to $75...so a great smart deal.

Updated

I believe typically that it's $50-100/person to be very generous but at the same time I think a nice $100 check is a very nice gift. There is no reason to have to pay full price to cover your meal since they are hosting and you are the guest. I sometimes browse their registry because there are always sales at the store they register for. The last wedding gift I bought was a nice Cephalon pan retailed for $275 on sale at Macy's for $99 but with their extra coupon the price dropped to $75...so a great smart deal.

Maybe it's me, but my gift size would depend on the closeness of the friendship. Even though they haven't interacted in more than a year, there may be an emotional connection. I don't think there is a "required" amount, and it might feel like a lot to you, but maybe it's how he feels about the person?

Maybe there is a little male posturing happening under the surface here? A subconscious desire on your husband's part to show his success? Men tend to measure their worth in actual dollars, maybe that's why a big gift is so important to him. Try to open a dialogue with him about it and see why it is so important to him.

It's not new to try to give what they spent on the wedding but you really can't go by that. I would give 100 in your situation, Weird that they invited you since he hasn't been with him in a year. It's hard when you have to get a hotel, drive there, get someone to watch your kids etc.......

This is pretty hard to answer, as many parts of the country have such wildly varying levels of living expenses.

But yes - I would agree with your husband.

However, most weddings I know of are in the range of $35-$100 per person. $100 being super fancy.

The price per dinner method isn't what we use, but I have heard about it many times. Usually it is above everyone else's method...but yes, it is a thing.

WOW...I give people a gift...that fits my budget. Period.

I will never pay to go to a wedding but I WILL look on the registry and try and find them something that they've requested or give them a gift card to where ever they're registered.

Give what you can afford. Period.

I have heard that gift equals price of the dinner thing but I don't think it is always like that. Also, how do you know how much the reception costs anyway? In practice it think it is reasonable to give what you can afford and based on how close you are to the friend. It could be a $30 dollar item off the registry or as much as your husband suggests. I was married 10 years ago but only a few older relatives or family friends with grown families gave us gifts in that range. Our friends the same age, especially ones with growing families, gave us more modest gifts and that was fine.

On the one hand I think you should give what you can afford to give on the other hand I would not attend a wedding if my gift did not at least cover my meal.
It would not matter to me that this was a second wedding. I personally think that is irrelevant to the gift you give.
Since you know where the reception is being held you could call or email them and ask how much it cost.

That's a pretty standard gift. But, it sounds like you don't really want to go. When you move away from friends it is hard to interact the same but that doesn't change the way you feel about them. An hour isn't to far to drive for a friends wedding, and this being a second marriage for both of them doesn't really matter when it comes to the gift.

Unless youre quite wealthy, $150 seems more normal to me. $250 is definitely higher than I've seen and we have some very wealthy friends. So I think it depends on your circle of friends and I do think the type of wedding does factor into the gift a bit but I agree that $250 is high.

just do whatever you can afford. i usually always give $100 no more no less, or a gift from the registry that's affordable.

I was just talking to my friend about this who just got married. Her venue was expensive about $150 per person. She didn't expect that much from each person who attended, but I couldn't believe how cheap some of the gifts were--and from people who were supposedly good friends. I'm talking $20 gifts. So that got me thinking I wonder what people give on average. So I did a completely non-scientific research project by asking about 20 friends (some close and others not so close) of a variety of ethnicities and stage of life. After all that I got a range from $200 (for a couple) to $50 (for a couple). We give $200 to $250 but that's only for very good friends. Acquaintances or work friends, we give far less between $50-$100 and honestly we won't even attend a wedding if we don't like the people.

As for your situation, a second wedding is completely different. I haven't been in that situation yet, but I don't think we'd be giving $200-250.

For first marriages, the couple tends to be younger and starting off their lives (read: they don't have a lot of $) so we want to help them get started--you know buy things they need like plates and furniture. A second marriage (my mom got remarried at 52), they don't really need the $ (unless they had an expensive divorce I suppose). I view the wedding and reception as a big party.
www.educationmom.com

Over 20 years ago it was understanding that in general the gift should cover the cost of your dinner at the reception, so it's not a new trend. Of course you would have no way of knowing what they were paying, but you would have some idea by the venue and type of reception.

I haven't been to a wedding in many years, but under these circumstances, I would say $200 would be reasonable, but I wouldn't give more than that.

Your husband may be right. I've heard for years that your gift should cover your plate and then extra money to actually give as a gift. We don't go to many weddings, but the last wedding we went to, we gave $200. Has your husband looked online to see how much the hall costs...is that where he's coming up with the $250? Many places will list their prices. Look at it this way, a nice date for a couple costs about $100 per person at least. For both of you to attend this wedding, it would be $125 each.