"We Share in This Family", Except...

First, you need a supplemental mantra: If it doesn't belong to you, and it's not a toy, DON'T TOUCH IT! That's been my mantra for years and it works for the kids. Now hubby is a different story - LOL!

"Share" is a completely different concept than "take". Perhaps you have created a situation where no one really owns anything, and it's much like a commune or earth-people's park, where everything belongs to everyone. My son has worked in audio engineering at a couple of Burning Man type of festivals, where no one "owns" anything, and nothing can be purchased. However, neither can anyone just take something. The thing (whether it's food, water, or a hat, or insect repellent, or a bandage, or a music CD) must be offered, and it may be respectfully declined or gratefully accepted. If it's accepted, a return gift in kind is usually offered.

But it sounds like you've created a "take what you want because it's all ours", and that will lead to problems.

So what you may need to do is re-create the concept of sharing. Sharing means offering something to someone, without expecting something in return. Sharing is "here, there is one cookie left. Would you like half?" or "since you're wearing that blue skirt, would you like to borrow my scarf that would look really cool with it?". Sharing isn't helping yourself to anything. That's called shoplifting or stealing. Someday, your girls will make terrible roommates when they get an apartment with friends unless you change the concept of sharing now.

A family meeting and role playing might be needed. From now on, each girl has a place - a drawer, a bureau, a closet shelf, a box, a desk...whatever you have room for, whether it's an entire piece of furniture or a special cubby or bookcase - that is hers. Provide name tags, and provide a jewelry box for each girl. Before anyone touches anything in those drawers or cubbies or bookcases or desks, permission must be granted from the owner. And if the owner of the red necklace leaves it carelessly lying on the living room coffee table, she forfeits the right to her privacy.

And then create some free areas. Crafts, or basic supplies that anyone can help themselves to, like pencils, notepaper, pony tail holders. Label those areas clearly. And for now, put a brightly colored strip of duct tape across your bedroom doorway, and a sign on your door. Teach them that you also need privacy, and although they will ALWAYS be welcomed in to talk, to cry, to receive help if they're sick - if you're napping or getting dressed, a knock will be needed, and nothing in your room is up for grabs, although you'll gladly offer things to share when appropriate.

Have them practice. Role play. Demonstrate graciousness with proper boundaries. Have the little ones walk up to your door and knock. Have the older one place her jewelry in a case and have another older one walk up to it and demonstrate restraint, asking for permission, and sometimes being granted permission and sometimes not. But always with polite words.

I was going to say, in our home, no one is allowed to go into my husband and my bedroom without permission, It was the same in our homes as children. It did not mean if we were in there, our daughter could not come in, but she needed to knock first. We also knocked on her door or at least the door frame if it was open.

This has served her well because she learned to do this in other homes and then when she was in college.

In your case I strongly suggest tomorrow you have a keyed lock placed on your bedroom door, maybe even your closet. Keep the key with you.

The rule is that your door will be kept locked so that items that you want to make sure are going to be there when you need them are protected. Or get a locking storage closet.

Teach your children to ask for permission to use these things. Or to be able to enter your room. Maybe in the future they will learn that your bedroom is only for you and your husband.

Yes, you are a family, but it is not a free for all. Some things really do belong mostly to you or to dad. For example, good china and Crystal or portraits on the wall, are to be left alone, unless they have permission to handle these things. Maybe your own crafting supplies. I use a tool box for mine.

Borrowing clothing, borrowing toys.. all of these things can be shared, but we ask permission unless they are "Family items."

I have cousins that were a family of 6 children. They all lived in a 2 bedroom home with 1 bathroom.
Food was separated as family food that was not to be touched except by the parents. or the food that was in a certain area that the family could help themselves to. Soaps, shampoos, deodorant, hair brushes, wash cloths. belonged in each family members bucket. NO one was allowed to take or borrow from anyone else bucket without first asking and receiving permission.

Of course most of the time it was fine, but if for some reason someone said no, this was honored.

Everyone is allowed to have their own personal items. and to expect these items to be left alone.

Have a family meeting and discuss this. Decide what the consequences will be if this agreement is broken. I was always the type of child that All I needed to hear was, L., I am disappointed in your behavior. I was a puddle. Now my sister needed to have a consequence. She would get a time out, a loss of a privilege or a chore.

When something is not working for you, sometimes you have to step it up.

I guess I will be the dissenting voice. I disagree that parent sharing must be absolute. Kids need boundaries. I've been frustrated and at my wits end to. If you don't like the pie you have to chance the recipe. I'm going to be a little blunt in the hopes that it will help you.

Your kids don't respect you because you have not taught them to respect you. You have a discipline problem. You said you "talk and talk" to them. Talking and lecturing is not discipline. Action and consequences are.

When I was at my wits end I did a lot of reading. It's going to be more challenging with your older kids because you are starting late but it isn't too late. Have you ever read Love and Logic? Positive Discipline is another good one. I don't believe in following one book 100% you have to take things from different places and being consistent is key.

As for the nap thing.....that'a problem depending on what age they are but it's also a parent problem. Why isn't the other parent ensuring the kids don't come near the room? We run interference for each other. Now the kids are 5 6 and 8 and a verbal reminder is all they need now but it took work to get there.

As for the craft stuff - my kids have their own craft table and a big huge buffet filled with craft things and educational workbooks. It's all age appropriate and they can access it any time they are responsible for putting everything away every day.

Do you kids have chores? It almost sounds like they don't put things away?

I have a few piece of jewelry that I don't really wear any more that I let my kids borrow. They know they have to ask and they only have 2 choices the rest is off limits.

Make sure they have age appropriate things to play with set boundaries and provide consequences and be consistent.

I hope this is helpful.

We have one very clear and set boundary in our home, the master bedroom and bath are off limits to children. If they want to come in for some reason or need to talk to us they knock and wait to be invited in, even if the door is open, and they are not allowed to touch anything in this room. It is okay for there to be an adult room in the house, you pay for it after all.

Well, you have 5 kids in the house, all school-age and younger. I think you need to accept that you live in unorganized chaos.

...to an extent... because I also think you should be able to set boundaries in your home and have them followed. Perhaps the boundaries are too vague or contradictory or just plain don't make sense to a small child. It might be a good idea to have a family sit down and put together a list of items that are shareable, and those that are not. Get everyone's input. The kids may enjoy putting a few things of their own on the list, that are just for each individual girl and not for her sisters. Then hang up the list somewhere visible and refer to it often.

Honestly, I think some of the problem might also be that with the "we all share everything" vibe, your girls have not really ever been able to truly possess anything individually. Therefore they have no empathy as to how it may feel for you, mom, to have a pair of your earrings lost/stolen/broken. How can they know what that would feel like? My daughters' preschool teacher always reminds me, before kids can learn to share, they must learn it what it feels like to possess something.

I totally get the big family sharing vibe, and in the long run you are doing a good thing. I also grew up with 5 sisters. I definitely lived with the big family free-for-all about using whatever we found in the bathroom/kitchen/office... even mom's room. The difference is my sisters and I are spaced pretty far apart, and we were always able to have plenty of things that were "our own" because the other sister was too old or too young to want our stuff (plenty of hand-me-downs gong on though). I am sure your 11 year old is not interested in the same stuff as your 4 year old.

I also think some of it has to do with age. My girls are 7 and 4 and also do a lot of that- trying on my shoes, going for craft supplies, kitchen gadgets, leaving them around. They think nothing of rifling through a freshly stacked pile of folded clothes to pull out some clean shirt of mine they want to wrap around their bodies and "dress up" in. But the 4 year old is worse than the 7 year old. I bet you have a variety of levels of respect going on (not to mention individual interests) but it just seems like one chaotic mess because there are so many of them. And in a relatively narrow age range.

I know as a mom it can sometimes feel like we are the only ones in the household managing the neatness and order of the place. Everyone else seems to totally disregard it and tear around messing up "our system". That's just the nature of the beast I think.

The concept "We share in this family" sounds great. But I suspect the kids see it as everything being theirs to take, rather than theirs to be generous with. Sharing is great. Being generous is great. It's also ok to give them permission to say, "That is my skirt, and you may not borrow it."

They may not respect your things, in part, because they've never been asked to respect each other's things and no one has ever respected their things.

This isn't always an easy concept for kids to learn. We try to teach our kids that they need to ask permission before playing with someone else's toy. We also try to ask them to be generous and say yes, the other one can play with the toy. It's not always easy, because we want to be fair to both kids.

But I think the concept that everyone shares is too much for most kids to handle.

I think you're into an all-or-nothing rut. Most, not all, things should be shared. But everyone, adults and kids, are entitled to some things that are special and do not have to be shared. So establish some boundaries with each of them having something special. Even for the baby, her special blanket or stuffed animal or binky are off limits, right? Because the others have no use for it and because taking it would be cruel.

So you have 2 problems - a complete disregard for others' feelings (which is "we share" gone awry), and a complete disregard for anything being important (so stuff is damaged and parents get their heads tapped on during a nap). That is just going to spill over into school and other relationships, so you're right, you have to stop this.

Since you have such houseful of age ranges, I suggest a simple system of red lights and green lights. Everybody gets a storage bin or a drawer in the dresser for special things, to be labeled with a red traffic light with the name of the kid assigned to it. (They can make their own or you can make up a model and have them printed off at the local quick printer.) Red lights mean Stop, Go No Further, you have to wait for a green light (or permission, each time). Green Lights mean "go" and are things that are shared. Kids can decide what things are up for grabs and which things require permission. And putting lights on the kitchen cabinet will serve to keep them out of the junk food or the stuff that's all set for the dinner or the party later on.

Red lights also serve as a "do not disturb" sign when someone is napping. They keep kids out of cleaning chemicals or anything else that is not appropriate.

To start, everything that they make a mess of gets a red light. They don't take care of things, and they don't put things away. These things are therefore never available to anyone else. They cost money, and the family heirlooms or special gifts are turned into playthings.

So generosity is a good virtue but it doesn't mean someone should get no respect or get walked on.

It's okay for parents to sit down for a family meeting. You can have 2 of them, one with the older kids and one very quick one afterwards for the younger kids. Adjust your language accordingly. The older kids can attend the meeting with the younger ones, but not the other way around. This makes it simpler but it also engages the older ones as role models.

Anything in the "green light" category that doesn't get cleaned up or put away goes into the "red light" category. So the kids have to police each other (or "encourage and remind" each other) to clean up and treat things with respect. Anything that gets broken or ruined do to misuse doesn't get replaced. And each kid (perhaps above a certain age) can start to get an allowance for helping to clean up, and they have to contribute money from their own bank to pay for what gets broken and ruined. Allowance don't get immediately spent on fun things - a portion has to get saved for the "just in case" account - same as adults putting away some salary to pay for stuff that "just happens" - new roof, new tires, sick kids, etc. There's a reserve fund. It's a good way to teach the beginnings of financial management too.

I think it's okay to say that you as parents have made a mistake - in an effort to teach sharing, you've gone to far. So you are making a new set of rules for everyone's benefit. That's what parents do, learn as you go along!

What "I" hear you saying is "YOU HAVE TO SHARE EVERYTHING BUT "I" DON'T WANNA".

Either you share as a family or you don't.

If you truly have a room that is specifically for crafts that is your space and you have a locking doorknob on that room and they've picked the lock and broken in then there would be heck to pay.

If you've put an imaginary boundary on "stuff" in the main part of the house and they've ignored that boundary then you need to move your stuff.

I have things I don't want to share with my granddaughter. I put my makeup and personal items that I really don't want her germs on in my bathroom and she will still find them. I have got her her own and told her if she bothers mine again I will take all hers and throw it away.

If you don't teach your kids that they have the right to personal belongings and that there are some things that don't get shared then how do you expect them to have any concept when you say that they can't use your stuff like you make them let others use theirs?

You have to let them have their own things and not share.

I assume your kids have access to their own play make-up and costume jewelry too? If not, that would be my first suggestion. Get them some things to play with and then explain that your things are off-limits from now on and their will be a consequence if they use them. I can't imagine my kids messing around with my jewelry. I have heirlooms and gifts from family and I'd be so upset if my kids didn't respect those nice things. You need to be able to keep your things nice.

As far as the craft supply box, make it easy to get into and easy for them to clean. Separate your own things out that you want to keep nice. Kids are messy and it never goes back in the same way it came out. I have to sort our kid craft supplies regularly to keep them decent.

Since you have a wide age group in the house, you will have to keep several items away from the kids until they ask permission. That should be fine. Your kids need to respect that. Glue and scissors can't be left around. Explain that to them and encourage times when you can craft with them so you can keep an eye on the little ones. I had to do that when my daughter was ready for more crafting, but my son was too young to use things safely.

My kids aren't perfect by any means though. I just had to buy more scissors, because the scissors I keep in each room seem to disappear regularly. I think I finally made it clear that they MUST return them after use, or it makes my life more challenging. One thing I did was ask them to find all of the scissors and gave them a dollar reward. Maybe your oldest can keep the art supplies neat and earn a dollar a week or something fun.

The sleeping thing is another story. My kids didn't seem to get the concept of letting us sleep until they were about 7-8 years old. They still wake us up, but not as often now. So, I have no advice there. Little kids just need mom and dad sometimes, Right Now! :)

Sounds like you want to maintain control of everything. Do your girls have a variety of art and craft things they don't have to put back in your space/box? If not, I suggest that you try giving them control over their items. Let them choose where they want to keep them. And do not require they be organized in a specific way. They items will be a mess in comparison to when you put them away. Adopt the attitude that there can be many ways to do things.

Missing scissors, pens, pencils, stapler and tape have always been a problem for me. I finally accumulated several of each and put them in each room in a always visible place. I have a set on the bookcase in the living room, on the computer desk, on the kitchen nook table, in my room on a table, and in my granddaughter's room. Because they're handy when needed they rarely completely disappear. Because I can see them I know when they're missing when I do my nightly walk through. Well, not every night. I usually spot them in a different room and take them back. You could make monitoring those everyday items a chore for an older child. Make it fun.

As to items that are really your personal things what consequences do you consistently mete out when you see them with them? How can you lose or have broken so many things and your children not have learned to not take your things. I hope you have put them out of the reach of the little ones. I am having trouble understanding the numerous losses and casualties.

I wonder if they are confused by the phrase "we share." What does share mean. Sounds like it may mean we only share when Mom says we can. What happens when one child takes another child's toy? I suggest that they don't understand about sharing, personal property, and shared supplies used by everyone.

I hear your frustration and suggest that you have probably expressed that to your children so often they're not hearing you anymore. Try starting over and take the time at the time it happens to deal with each individual incident with just the child (ren) involved. First share control. Have a family meeting to talk about the issue and ask for their help. Do not blame or lecture them. Be neutral. This is the problem and ask for ideas.

My daughter and her husband have made their bedroom off limits unless one of them is in the room. They had to remind them often for a couple of weeks. The 1 yo of course doesn't understand. They shut the door. A couple of weeks attention. A few more weeks of casual monitoring noticing why they were in there and they've now reached an agreement that allows them in to watch TV and the kids honor that. It was a group effort during which the kids felt heard some of the time. Not to say Mom and Dad didn't lose their patience. They did.

The 11 and 14 yo have been able to go into my room to watch TV and have done so since they were old enough to open the door. At first I stayed with them as they explored the room. I sat with my granddaughter while we looked at jewelry. I gave her a few pieces she could wear which she chose to put back in my room.

I remember looking through closets and drawers at my grandmother's house. I'd bring things to her to ask about. I felt adventurous. My Mom allowed me to look at her things. She kept favored things out of reach I think.

I suggest when we allow children to be a part of the solution and treat them with respect they will learn respect. We have to recognize their abilities based on stages of development and gradually give them responsibilty for managing their belongings in a way they are able to do so. This means not expecting perfection; allowing for chaos with their things. I wonder if they are responding this way because they don't have enough ownership. And perhaps your things are off limits so that having them is challenging. Then, do you recognize their different levels of maturity and what they are capable of and understand?

Sharing is one thing, and there should be common family supplies that are shared, but treated with respect (pick up, organized, kept in good shape). It sounds like you need to start enforcing the pick up, organize, keep in good shape respect. Maybe assigning chores to make sure things are put back properly will help. I would start here. Assign an area to each girl to make sure it's picked up, organized twice per week. Make them have a sense of ownership over that area.
Borrowing with respect for someone else's things and feelings is another thing. This doesn't sound like it's been established in your home because you want everyone to share. While that's good at really young ages, people need to feel like they have something that is theirs, while still having an atmosphere of common sharing. But it must be based on respect. If you borrow something from the library, and it's not returned, or returned damaged, you'd have to make amends, either by paying or replacing. Since your kids are young, it might be a good time to establish some boundaries - maybe get a small box, basket, some way for each girl to organize her treasures, of things they don't want to share, but can be asked for permission to borrow. Similarly, you can have your items designated as things that are off limits - items you don't want to share, or only with permission. Talk about respecting things you've borrowed - a timeline should be agreed to, the borrower needs to return items on a timely basis, and in good shape. If it's not, then the borrower needs to make amends (allowance to pay for something, replacement, etc.).

I agree with some of the other posts...make your bedroom off limits to the kids or at least have boundaries like they need to knock and be invited in. Keep all of the stuff that you don't want touched in your room.

I know it can be maddening but they are just kids. They don't quite get
it. They kind of get it but not entirely. I know, I remember when I was
a kid & I totally get it now.
So take a deep breath, put some of your good/special stuff away & take
a look at your kids. I mean a really good look. It's over in a flash. They'll
grow up, have lives of their own, move out, hv kids & we'll be alone, sad,
maybe even a little lonely or wistful at the very least.
Give your kids a hug & hide all of your good stuff.
Have a secret stash of good choc for yourself so you can sneak a piece
on days like this.
Turn on the news & you'll have a reminder of how truly lucky we are.
Having said all of that, mama you get a pass to feel like you want but still
put up your good stuff. Kids, no matter how you teach them are just
that....kids. They goof up sometimes, forget boundaries etc.
It's not until our brains are matured that we truly get it.
They don't mean to have a lack of respect.
They just aren't mature enough to sustain the boundaries ALL the time.
They try, they just don't "get it" fully yet.
So cut them some slack, take a deep breath & hug your kids for life goes
by in a flash! Hv a good day sweetie

I think sharing is important, but your kids should have some special things of their own that they don't have to share.

You are being somewhat hypocritical. So I think you need to adjust your "in this family we share" concept somewhat, and allow your kids to have some personal boundaries and items of their own, that belong exclusively to them.