Walking Toddler --- Help

I am right there with you. I always see these people with the child harness, and I always thought how horrible that was. Well, that is the only way I can get him to walk and not have a fit. We found better looking ones than the monkey thing

http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2815285

Yes - that is sort of what parenting is like :-)

You have probably seen those "leashes" or "harnesses" that some parents put on their toddlers...It is a way to permit "independence" while having the safety that you cannot compromise on...You may want to do that? If you do, then I would suggest you don't let her out of the stroller in a public place - ever - without the harness on. Once she thinks it's negotiable, it will be all over for the harness...

Good luck!

Let her walk - they sell in Wal-mart - in the baby section near the sun shades and diaper bags a little back-pack monkey or bear and it has a parent strap on it (sorry not a very good description) - my son was the same and for just under $10 he gets to walk and I get to keep him safe...he loves to put it on because he knows it means he gets to walk an I love the fact that he can have some independence and still be safe.

I still can't get any of my kids to hold my hand for longer than 5 minutes!!

Good Luck =)

First of all, there is no magic solution. It will take time and patience and work on YOUR part to enforce the rule. As you have found, she will test you to see if you really mean it. That's great that you follow through and put her back in the stroller or buggy, however, she has figured out that throwing a tantrum will get her back her privilege (walking). Bad precedent to set. Tantrums should not earn her anything. Ignore them or leave the store. She is too young to understand any long explanations about why you can't allow her to run around without holding your hand, although you can give a short explanation that "the rule is __ and if you break the rule you can't get down to walk". If you are consistent she will learn that the consequence of running off and not holding hands is to lose the privilege to walk. Make no mistake that is what it is, a privilege. As she gets older the privileges change to things that we recognize as such a little bit easier (elec games, telephone, computer time, friends over, TV, etc). For a 15 month old, being out of the stroller walking is a privilege.
Believe me, there is nothing that will replace consistency on your part. She is only 14.5 months old. She has very little self-control. You can't get mad, but you have to be consistent. In time, she will get better. She will still want to let go and run off, although she may hold hands for longer periods of time. When she is done holding hands, she goes back in the buggy. She will also learn that tantrums don't profit her, and she will not protest as long or as loudly when she goes back into the buggy/stroller. That is an issue you want to "nip" right now. Some kids seem more prone to throwing tantrums, but I wonder if it has more to do with how their parents react EARLY ON to their first few tantrums... Once they learn that you will give in if they have a fit, they are more apt to repeat it. It's kinda like "sleep-training"... did you sleep train her? Same thing. She will stop with the tantrums when she learns she gains nothing by it.
Good luck and keep your cool. We've all gone through some version of this. Stay firm.

I know it sounds mean but YOUR WAY has to be the only WAY, no matter how much they scream! Soon or later the screaming will stop and after time( as long as youre consistent) there will be way less screaming. If you dont start now.......you will have alot of problems!~ I have 4 children from 20 years old to a 6month old. They are wonderful but you have to be stearn or you will have many tantrums! All kids scream and want what they want and want it now. You are the boss! yOU MUST ALWAYS GET YOUR WAY. Other wise you will be embarrased all the time and not be able to anything!

I went through the same thing with my daughter when she was a toddler. A friend clued me in to the concept of a "harness buddy" for my daughter. It worked great! She got the freedom she wanted, while I had the security that she couldn't get too far away from me. They are available in the baby gear section at Target, Wal-Mart, etc.

L.,
While some people will mske negative comments there is nothing better than a child harness and lead. The child feels independant yet you have complete controll on their ability to run off. You can keep them from falling down, running out in traffic or behind a car pulling out of a parking spot. I used one with both of my children who are now 40 and 37! And they have absolutely no emotional or psycological scars either. Best luck and remember as your children grow up, pick your battles, some things will still be important 5 years later and some will not. L.

Hi L.,

Short of discipling her in public, I agree with the harness. I also thought "how awful" before I was a parent and I didn't need it for my first daughter, but I REALLY needed it for my second, lol. It will also give you peace of mind as you can feel them attached to you....

God bless!

M.

I remember this stage with all four of my kids, and my daycare kids. If I could point out the mistake you are making,which I made myself, too. You said she wants to do something and so you let her, she behaves for a while and when she can't control her self anymore, you have to take away the priveledge ( of walking) and put her back in the cart and she throws a tantrum and when you can't stand the tantrum anymore, you give in and give her what she wants. Correct? This scenario goes for everything she is every going to want or want you to do. It's just not practical or safe to let such a small child roam in a store or public place without holding her parents hands and she lacks the maturity to do it for a long period of time. You have to set her up for sucess and not failure but not allowing it at all, or if you do let her stretch her legs for a bit, you have to put her back BEFORE she stops listenting to you and holding your hand. This way where she gets to walk is your decision, the parent. She will still throw a fit and the key is, whenever your child ( your husband or your dog) throws a fit you will never never give in, ever. This will teach her that the crying and whining will never work andeventually she will quit. You will fee bad for her, you may feel embarassed, but you are raising a loving,respectful , stable child who knows exactly where the boudaries are and she will be able to be more peacful once she accepts wherever you put boundaries. Kids with no boundaries, whose parents are inconsistent and give in, are the onces who are miserable and are genuinely cryings and hysterical when their tantrums aren't working. Imagine if you had to go to the bathroom and the door, that has always worked in the past, even if it took a long time to open it, was now not working...you would be so frustrated and full of anger and anxiety. But if one bathroom door always opened and the other one never did, you woudl be at peace with that. It will take training, but she will learn that what you say goes and there is no point arguing with you. She will get worse initially as she tests this new boundary. She will scream louder, she may try to hit or bite you, she will cry longer than she ever has ( becuase before if it worked in 8 minutes, she's going to try 10 minutes, and so on) . She also may try holding tantrums for other things, just to regain control. Then it will click and she will start to let it go. Give her other oppurtunities for control. Pick out two shirts and let her choose which one she wears. Fill two sippy cups and let her choose which one she wants. As long as the original available choices were first approved by you, she can learn that she doesn have some control in this world, but it is and will always be guided by her parents, who love her. NEVER NEVER give in because some snotty, gaucky lady at the supermarket is giving you dirty looks. That lady won't be around when you struggle with a defiant, unstable angry teenager. Many more people will appreciate your weel behaved happy children when they are older, so ignore the other people and parent your kids the way you see fit. With well established consistent calm boundaries set in place for her safety and your sanity. Good Luck

My daughter did not want to hold my hand either. So the deal was to either hold on to my jean pocket or the cart/stroller. But most important is that you stick to your part of the deal. When you put her back in the stroller she should stay in the stroller.

L.:

My son was an early walker, too. Negotiate, give her the finger to hold instead of the hold hand. Remember your hands are a lot bigger for them and it might not be as comfortable and or easy to do for them.

I tell my son: we are going to walk but you need to hold on to mommy's or daddy's finger" It is alot easier and now he does it automatically.

Don't let her out of the stroller in the first place. Tell her that every time you let her out she doesn't do what you ask and she cannot get out. If you want her to walk go to Target and get a child's harness from the infant section of the store. I have one with a bear on it and it is very helpful.
Blessings,
A.

Hi, L.. Well, you're on the right track! Yes, take her out of the stroller as long as she holds your hand, and yes, take away that freedom when she decides to disobey you. Absolutely. Unfortunately, she's at that age when her attention span is limited, and she doesn't yet have the patience or the appreciation of limits to keep within your rules. There's nothing in it for her, you see, to obey you. She doesn't understand that she could get hurt if she doesn't walk close to you. And she shouldn't have to walk around worrying about that -- that's what parents are for. So understand that from her point of view, you adults are being totally unreasonable ( :

Unfortunately, you may have to put up with some screaming for the time being. She has begun what we call the "terrible twos." She wants her freedom, she wants her power, she wants her curiosity satisfied, and she wants her sense of accomplishment, so she will have to come up against the fact that she is not the center of the universe, and she can't have everything her own way. This is very frustrating for a toddler! But this is a milestone in her development, and the only way out of it is THROUGH it. It's very important that she has a sense of power and ability, just as much as it's important that she be safe in public places. Finding the balance is not easy.

Try telling her every 30 seconds or so (to keep her focused, because she has no attention span) what a GOOD, BIG GIRL SHE IS for holding your hand. Praise her, smile at her, give her a whole lot of attention for holding your hands. Make it a lot more pleasant to walk holding your hand than to run off by herself. Point out interesting stuff to her. Tell her what you are looking at in the store, and what you're going to buy, and what you're going to cook with it, etc. Keep her interested and feeling involved. I think she's craving that attention.

You see, she knows that if she runs off, she'll get more attention than by just walking calmly beside you -- negative attention, but attention just the same. Talk to her, interact with her, make it interesting to walk holding your hand, then she'll want to do it more. Give her that reward for doing things your way. Make it very, very pleasant and fulfilling to follow your hand-holding rule (candy is NOT necessary, just attention).

If that doesn't work for some reason, the only other alternative is to put her on a toddler leash, but that won't keep her from screaming when she comes to the end of the leash and screams because she's still restrained. I would use a toddler leash (I think they call them tethers) only as a last resort. She sounds like a very, very smart little girl, and I think she may respond to the extra attention.

I hope everything works out very well for your family, and that you all get through the terrible twos with a minimum of toddler drama.

Peace,
Syl

L.,

Let her cry!! It's much better for her to have a fit than to for her to be missing. People may look at you and comment - but that's their problem. As your daughter tries to assert herself, you'll begin to develop "selective deafness" to the hissy fits! Safety First (she's too young to reason with right now - you're just going to have to deal with the fits!) Sorry. They do grow out of it though!

Oh wow can I feel you on this one!!! My son is just over 14 months old too and now I am the mom in Publix with the screaming boy who wants down and also does not want to hold my hand. We practice holding mommy’s hand all day by walking our dishes to the sink, letting the dog out, and the list goes on and on. I have to say in the last week he is occasionally reaching for my hand here and there so I think we may be making some progress. But after reading some of the other responses I totally forgot about the leash/harness option! I have one that I bought back when he was 11 months old and started taking steps but then he opted not to walk for 2 more months and I completely forgot about it! I am going to pull it out tonight!!!

I hope everything works out for you too!

Hi L.,
My son is 3 yo and when he was your DD age he was the same exact way. My son just got used to it, like you said, if she doesn't want to sit in the cart and wishes to walk she has to do it holding hands.

My son when he would freak out I would either ignore him and continue shopping or I would leave the store. My son loves going to the store, so leaving the store was punishment enough, he then learned that screaming and making a scene means store time is over...and he eventually learned that walking around means holding hands.

She will get it, its easy to get frustrated though, they are very stubborn when they gain their "independence".

Good Luck!

L.,
I used a harness & leash with my first son. People thought I was crazy, but I kept up with him. It took a long time for us to have our son, and I would die if anything happened to him. Losing him was my biggest fear, and the harness worked well for us.
C.
www.beachbodycoach.com/motherto2

I can vouch for the Kmart New York incident. I lived there at the time and shopped at that K-mart. I wasn't a mom yet but that story has stuck with me ever since. I NEVER let my girls(3 1/2 and 15 months old) stray.

The puppy back pack works like a charm. My 15 month old fought me the first four times we had her wear it but now she associates it with freedom. She lights up when she see's us pull it out. We got ours at Walmart. They carry a puppy and monkey. Very cute and the peace of mind is priceless.

Have you tried the little back pack pals from Target? They are little back packs that look like animals and they have a harness attached so the parent still has control but the child feels free. Just a thought.

Best to you,
T.

This may help...tell her "If you let go ONCE, you go in the cart and will stay there the rest of the trip." Then - keep your word! Alternatively, you could find a toddler leash/backback, my son liked his because he could pack a snack and small book in it.

Hi L.-

My son is the same way. I just tell him over and over, "Mommy has to do her job. Part of Mommy's job is keeping you safe. You wouldnt want me to be a bad Mommy would you?' Regardless of the answer, my response is always the same. "I take my job very seriously and love you very much. I have to insist that you hold my hand or you have to ride in the cart. It isn't negotiable." Then I try to give him something to choose or be in charge of so he feels independence. If all that fails, I use the old standby. "Because Im the Mommy and I said so, case closed" Your job is to be the Mommy and take care of her. It should not be up for debate. Some things they just have to do whether they like it or not, and that's one of them.

I will add this for everyone reading. When I lived in New York, a K Mart nearby had an incident. A woman lost her daughter and was smart enough to run to management and have the store locked down. No one got in or out. They found the child in a bathroom, her hair had been cut, her clothes were changed to make her appear like a boy and the person who took her was dying her hair with a spray color. It happened in 15 minutes time. Don't ever let your child choose. and take a lesson, if you loose them, dont look for them for more than a second. get a manager first to lock the store, then look.

She'll scream & cry alot more if someone snatched her up and away from you. This is a no-brainer. She's not allowed - period. No discussions. Sometimes she does will have to scream & shout. Imagine if she was a teen-ager who was doing this behavior? It's NOT safe-what's the problem??? So you don't like hearing her cry & complain? Too bad. She'll stop soon. The consequences are too severe.

You might have to hear a little crying, but what I've found works best with my (now almost 3 year old) daughter is consistency and sticking to my guns. So if you say, "You can walk, but if you let go of Mommy's hand, you're going back in the stroller," then you have to put her back in the stroller and LEAVE HER THERE. It's hard and I know embarrassing to be the mom with the crying kid in the store BUT if you keep going back and forth, all you are teaching her is that if she is persistent, she'll get what she wants. Good luck! The toddler years can be quite challenging at times but they are really wonderful, too!

I have one of those teddy bear backpack things with the leash on it. My son does pretty well with it. Hope this helps. I bought it at target.
www.DiscoveryToysLink.com/LisaRyan LisaM

Your runaway is free at last! Please do not yell, hit or frighten your toddler. Make your life simple and do the harness route. The one around the body, instead of the hand one is best.
You make it a ritual and a must." O.k., it's time to put on your puppy dog. this is my favorite harness. Let's take your doggie for a walk", name the doggie harness.
Everything is playful at this stage. Be upbeat with your tone of voice, instead of using a negative parenting style.
"Hurray, doggie gets to go for a walk".
P.
Parenting Instuctor 10 years

I hate to say it,but let her cry in public. My 16 month old does the same thing. I hate to hear him cry and pitch a fit (especially in public), but I feel that he need's to understand that he is not always going to get his way. It is embarrassing for us, but I feel like in the end he will understand. Patience! Hang in there! I still am. :-)

I feel for you as I am going through this with my 27 month old son.

It's a nightmare. I've read a few responses and they are right, once you let them out, the are good for a second and then off they go. I am so scared that someone will take my son it's horrible.

I am debating about the harness option. I tried this leash thing once and that just didn't work.

Some times, I just tell my hubby, you need to watch him while I go out for a while. We both need a break sometimes but I tell him, I can't risk someone taking him.

If someone tries anything with my son, he will not go with them; he will shout; I have been standing right there and watching him a couple of feet away from me and people try to get him to be exactly by my side but he feels as long as I'm right there, why does he need to be on top of me.

Recently, I was at Target and he wanted to ride the tricycle, so I got one down and he rode on that by my side while I did what I had to do. He will not run away If I have something like that to do for him. He's very good at getting out of his stroller and running away.

I tell him if he runs off, then back in the stroller he goes. I have actually left my credit card with a merchant because Ethan ran away because he saw one of those mall rides. I hate those as malls try to make money and I'm losing my child because of them.

They are trying to be a little independent. It's so hard. Needless to say, I got my cc-card and Ethan's pretzel after getting Ethan. Money's money, but my son can not be replace.

I know my son won't wear the harness because that will keep him too close to me; he wants to explore. I'm trying to work it out where I can keep him busy and If has to cry, he has to cry. Most people understand.

This happened on a flight from Boston to Fort Lauderdale. He was 14 months at the time and he wanted to run the isles. I kept him in my lap and all he did was scream.

The airline didn't really want anyone walking the isles and they would not help. They said that it was a liability.

Believe me, I feel for you. If you get the harness, or anything like it, let me know. I would love to see if it worked. If I get one, I will do the same.

Can you let her walk a little bit on her own? If you're in the store, you can follow her closely and let her explore just a little bit, especially if there are two of you to keep an eye on her! Independence is good for them.

Hello L.,
My suggestion may not seem to be the greatest. But how about trying the baby leash? That way, she gets some freedom, but you can keep track of her.
H.