WAHM/SAHM - No down Time

You really struck a nerve in me as I am in a similar situation. The original response I wrote rambled on and on but I didn't think it would be very helpful to you so I deleted it. LOL Anyway, I am a SAHM not otherwise employed. I feel that while my husband may be gone from the house between 7:00 and 6:00 he still needs to contribute to household chores. As a member of our family living in our house and contributing to the mess, he needs to do his part to contribute to the daily chores - regardless of his or my employment status. I am not exactly winning this battle at the moment, but I'm not letting it drop either. I've asked him to do simple things like sort his dirty laundry, help clean up after dinner and do anything else for 15 minutes (put laundry away, vacuum the living room, etc). I don't think it is too much to expect a grown adult to spend 15-30 minutes a day cleaning. I love my husband and I appreciate that he provides the money to support us. I know his job can be frustating and even requires him to travel from time to time. I also appreciate things he does things like build a deck in our backyard. But I also do a lot of work throughout the day, my days are often frustrating, I happen to live in the same place where I "work" so I never get to leave my job, and my workday never ends. I also sometimes do things that would normally be tasks he would do (mow the lawn, take garbage to the dump). I feel both partners in a relationship deserve and need down time and each partner should contribute to the daily household maintenance - plain and simple. Don't get me wrong - I love my husban, I love my kids, I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my kids, I don't want my husband to be over-burdened. However there has to be a balance. I think "balance" is different for each couple but it is important to work towards it to reduce stress, to develop stonger bonds, to re-energize.

I don't know if any of this has helped you, but I feel you are not wrong to want down time and to want help from your husband. You've got a lot of responsibility and your husband should help you - he should want to help you. You are his partner, not his employee.

I TOTALLY agree with you! We have a lot in common. First , I met and starting dating my husband in 1987. yes I must be much older than you, lol. My husband is a local truck driver and I basically consider that his 'down time' during the day, like you said, radio on, etc. We have six children ages 12 to 1. My days are 18 hrs long and his are 8. ( He likes the sofa too.) Unfortunately after 15 + yrs of marriage I have not found a solution to this problem, but you are not alone.

Yes! You deserve down time, too. You'd be surprised what an hour can do. Just say honey, I think the baby needs some Daddy time. Go to your room, shut AND LOCK the door, put on head phones and read a book. Repeat as necessary. Also, thank God, school is back in a month (woohoo). You may consider part time care for you baby once a week to give you a break. My church, and I'm sure others, offer a mom's morning out.

I feel your pain! I work from home scheduling appointments and doing the accounting and paperwork for my husband's business and I put in at least 35 hours a week. Some of those hours I have been able to shift to after the kids go to bed, but it's still very difficult. My husband was like yours until I nearly had a mental breakdown. I just couldn't do it all. When we finally talked about it, he said "Give me something specific to do and I'll do it". So now when he gets home, I ask him to help me with specific things - load the dishwasher, throw a load of laundry in the washer, give the baby a bath, etc. Even if he only does a couple of those kind of things a night, it helps take some pressure off of me. Also, I too used to "ask" him to stay with the kids while I did something. Now I just tell him I need to go to the store or Starbucks or wherever and that he should have fun with the kids!

Best of luck,
K. E.
Mother of 3 - 8 months boy, 2.5 yr old girl, 5 yr old girl

Unfortunately, as you can see from all the responses so far, this is the nature of the male beast!! I know only 1 man that is not like this, unfortunately it is not my husband.
My husband is starting to change, but that is becasue I have changed how I view it. It used to be that if he wanted to go run an errand, visit his brother or whatever he would just say he is going and be gone. When I would want to run an errand, I would ask him if he would mind if I left the kids with him. Basically asking him to babysit his own children. Now I do the same thing as him... "I am going to the store without the kids."
Instead of just taking charge of the children and housework, I delegate to him. This has taken some time for him to get used to, but he is getting much better about taking initiative and acting like they are "our" children rather than mine that he plays with when it is convenient.
(OKoff my rant now).

Bread winner or not it is important that as parents you both understand the difference between housewife and stay at home mom. you may have agreed he would care financially for the family providing most if not all the income to sustain your family, while you handle the work load: dishes, laundry, meals, juggling the jobs of cook, housekeeper, and nanny... but your children are a committment both of you made, and the job should be a mutual attack. Consider: with 4 boys and a house, your husband might not consider that you dont get lunch and bathroom breaks as he does, or sometimes even find time to brush your teeth... both of your jobs should end at 5pm when he comes home, that is when he steps out of car mechanic, and you out of house wife, and from then until bed time you should be in family role, both for responsibility and enjoyment sake... and with his help and support it might both time and energy wise afford you both a few more minutes a night to slip into husband/wife mode {if you can even remember what that is with 4 boys ;) } good luck

You really need to sit down and talk to your husband about this. You are not just taking care of your sons but the foreign exchange student and your husband as well. Sit down for about 5 minutes over the next day or so (easier said than done, I know) and write out what you do each day and the time it takes. Then when you sit down to talk to your husband you can show him all you do. Sometimes men actually need a visual to understand. Also, don't underestimate the amount of physical activity you actually do in a day between chasing a one year old (and the other boys), doing laundry, washing dishes, running errands and doing all the other housework. While working at a computer might not seem to be physically exhausting, it actually can be. When at the computer, you are not as physically active but it causes other physical problems (sore muscles from being in the same position, eye strain and other discomforts). From what you have said in your posting, you are contributing a lot more of your time and effort to the family than you husband at the moment. I know my husband works hard outside the house and I don't begrudge him down time. However, I know that I have limitations as well. To be the best Mom and Wife you can be to your family, you need some downtime as well.

When you do talk to him, start by letting him know how much you appreciate all that he does do. Then let him know that you need some down time as well. When he asks what you mean show him your typical daily schedule of all that you do and all you deal with. Let him know the kind of problems you deal with on a daily basis (behavioral or otherwise with the boys, the errands and your house guest/renter). Then tell him what you need to be able to maintain your health and keep your schedule on a daily basis. Tell him that you have needed it for some time but didn't feel right asking when you weren't working. If you need an hour a day to yourself or an evening a week, tell him. The first step is talking to him, though, so that he realizes it is a problem and a priority for you. He may not be able to give you exactly the time you want but you should be able to work out a compromise. Even if it means, you get an evening a week to yourself where you fix dinner and have it waiting for them so that you can take a hot bath or a walk or whatever. (If that is the case, I suggest paper plates for that evening to save yourself possible work later on. =) )

Good luck!

It's not wrong to want a break or to want your husband/significant other to help. I am a stay at home mom and I go to school. I clean the house, cook the meals, laundry etc. And most of it I do happily but when my husband comes home from work (though that is only on the weekend because of his job) he takes our daughter and he will help me with whatever is left. That is what I would expect. Don't forget being a full time mother and staying at home to do everything is a job. That is the job that you never get sick days from or vacation from but you are entitled to time for yourself. I would suggest talking to you husband and how you feel and while you understand he works hard, so do you. Hope you get sometime to yourself!

HI there,

My husband commutes and hour each way, and I became a sahm a few years back. Since I got prego, due any day now, I have insisted this time he help. He does the washing and drying, I fold and put away. Sometimes he does the dishes(once in a blue moon, and runs the sweeper), but mostly comes home around 7:30 and sits on here or watches tv too. He will cook if I"ve had a bad day, but my house is not nearly as clean and organized as it used to be. We are working together to keep the main stuff caught up. Do I think he should help, of course, he lives there too. Sounds like you have ur hands full, probably more than he does all day at work, serioulsy. I do really hate how the men think they should come home and their day is over, but us woman seem to work around the clock. I have voiced my opinion for years and finally after gettin prego with our fourth, I get some help.

Stand your ground girl, discuss it with him. You deserve a break once in a while too and he should help.

My sister is going thru the same thing, she is a nurse on the weekends, and her hubby comes from work each day and takes a nap, her kids are 10, 4 and 2 and they are up her butt every second of the day. She barely sleeps on the weekends, yet he thinks he has it hard, hahaha.

I feel, in my opinion, any man can go to work and bring home a paycheck,, but what us woman do, is soo much more. I'm also not into the 50's style marriage, lol, I never was. Just my opininon.

Hope this helps in any way, or at least let's ya know ur not alone.

Take care and God bless,

L.

It sounds like you are in basically the same situation as I am. I also work from home 20 hours per week as a telecommuter. Without that money we definitely could not make it. My husband is in training for Radiology Tech through the Army, so he leaves the house at 430AM and gets home about 6PM. We had the problem of him not helping me out at all too. I "politely" told him that, while I don't work a traditional job full time, I do take care of our boys (now 17 months and 5 months) all day as well as work. I let him know that he needed to help me out some when he got home before the kids went to bed. There are days when he is still not much help, but he has gotten progressively better. Sometimes I think that the spouse that works outside of the house just needs for it to be brought to thier attention how hard we work also and that we need a break too. Remember, communication is the key. If you don't express how you feel, he just may not know. It will aslo drive you insane and could make you resent him. Good Luck!