UPDATED: Would You Judge Me? Should I Leave My Husband?

I'm not going to lie and say that I don't wonder what the story is, but I definitely don't judge their character simply by the fact that they have children from different fathers. I teach kids gymnastics classes and always have students with different last names as their parents or different from their siblings, so I encounter this all the time and can honestly say that I never look at their parent any differently - I totally understand that there could be a million different reasons for a situation like this. All that to say, don't let other people judging you be what's keeping you from doing whatever you think is right!!

Things like this happen all the time! Many moms have kids from multiple fathers. Yes, people will probably judge you until they know the real story. No, you should not stay with a husband that repeatedly cheats on you. And you certainly shouldn't stay with him "for the kids" because it usually ends up being better for them if you divorce than to grow up in an unhappy household.

You need to do what's best for you, regardless of what others might think. And what's best for you is to get out of an unhealthy marriage. If he's a good dad, he'll continue to be an active part of the kids' lives and you'll all be better off.

K.
http://oc.citymommy.com

no, i would not judge that at all! honestly, as bad as that sounds. that is the norm for a LOT of people now. Both my mom and my sister have 3 kids, and both of their firsts have a different father then the second two, and neither of them are married to the father of any of them. One of my best friend has 3 kids and they all have different dads, but they are all 6 years apart! i think there is a big difference in situations. its one thing to have 3 kids under the age of 3 and they all have different dads from one night stands, its totally different to have 3 different kids because of marriage complications.

I would judge you. And then I would be ashamed of myself for doing so, especially after hearing the story. I think that most people who say otherwise are fooling themselves. But you know what, so what? You don't know me from Adam, and what does my initial pigheaded response to your divorce situation have anything to do with the way that you should live your life? Nothing. I agree with what all the other posters have said - judgement, right or wrong, from others, should not dictate your happiness and well-being.

We do what's best by our kids, but we can't always be perfect. Divorce isn't ideal, but neither is staying with a cheating husband who seems to be making you miserable. You're between a rock and a hard place. You have to look inside you, not out to others, to figure out what path to take. I have my opinion, but it shouldn't matter to you any more than my initial gut reaction to the "two kids two dads." Again, there is no reason why you should care what I think, because what I thought was just plain dumb.

Good luck.

Even if you are married, you still have 2 children from 2 different fathers, so the only difference is that you aren't with a loser husband that cheats on you.

My children all have the same father, but they are all mixed- and they are 3 different shades of brown. I KNOW people think they all have different fathers, especailly my oldest and youngest. People judge me and it's not even the truth so don't worry about what you think other people are saying about you and do what is right for you and your kids.

First of all, do NOT read the "proper care and feeding of husbands". The book will just make you feel like a failure. You are absolutely in the right to leave your husband. You did give him another chance, and he blew it! Shame on him. But, if you stick with him AGAIN, and he does it AGAIN (which we all know he will!) then you have to share in some of the blame for staying with him. if a man can not love you enough to keep it in his pants, even after given a second chance, then he doesn't love you enough (or his children!).
Now, onto your question! I have 2 children by two different dads. I was a little hesitant about it as well. Then I discovered, it's not MY problem, it's everyone else's. Who cares what other people think?? not me. Doesn't have any bearing on how I live my life. Can't make other people understand my situation, nor do they need to, right? Your kids may suffer if your marriage dissolves, but it wont be your fault, and they wont suffer because they have two different dad's. Dad should have not cheated. Dad should have loved and respected his wife, vows, and family enough to kept to his word and vows. Dad is the one that made this family break up. Your kids may not get it now, but they will get it later.
Don't worry what the rest of the world thinks. It's YOUR life, live it the way YOu need to to be happy, healthy and strong. And DON'T read that lame-o book. Seriously....
L.

Anyone who judges you is not worth your time! Life happens.

Learn from your mistakes and make choices that will be what you feel is best for you and your children, not on what other people think.

Forget about the judgers and learn how to love yourself. You count!

I had a baby at 18, whose father disappeared when he was two. At 21, I was in a relationship with a man I thought I was going to marry. When I was 6 months pregnant, he left me for someone else. At 26 I married and had a baby with my husband. Well, after a nightmare of a marriage, I am divorced. I have never been promiscuous, I just had really really bad taste in men. I have three beautiful children whome I love very much. I tell people that I am not proud of the circumstances of my children's birth, but I love my children and do not regret a thing. I don't volunteer that info casually, and yes, I have been judged. I choose to not let it bother me. If you know me for me, you will know I am a loving, responsible person who would do anything for the people I care for. If that is not "good" enough for someone, I am better off without them in my life.
Please don't live in fear of what other people may or may not think. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with someone who treats you well. If you want to leave your husband, you will be much happier by yourself. Take care of yourself and your children and be the best Mommie you can be. The people who judge you have skeletons in their closet too. There are no perfect people.
God Bless!

My mom always did say " READ THE BOOK, NOT JUST THE COVER".
That has forever stayed with me.
Do what is right for YOU, its your life. There will those who will judge you and those who will take the time to get to know you.
When its all said and done, the last person in the mirror you see at the end of the day is you. Be at peace with what you decide and not worrying over what others think about you.
:)

Who cares what others think! You have to do what is best for you and your family, and having a cheating husband is probably not it.

Ya know what I am you. I have 3 children with 2 different dads. I have heard all the remarks, snickering, all the inlaws who did not want their son to marry me. He did....LOL we've been happy now for 16 years. I have developed a thick skin to people who judge me. Stop worrying about about what other people think. As long as your a loving good mom. As long as your children are a priority to you. Ignore them!!

People in glass houses should not throw rocks!!

I am into quotes lately!

As far as a cheating man! two times!!! I think I would give him his walking papers!!

Hope you find peace in your life and find happiness!!

There's nothing wrong with ditching a cheating man and there's nothing wrong with trying to find the right man. But when you've had a few relationships go sour, I think it's important to stop looking for awhile to find out who you are without a man. When you are strong and independent and don't need a man anymore, that's when the right one comes along who will value your strength and your children will benefit from that strength more than you know. It might take a few years, but it's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.

Dear D.A.

It may not be the exact same thing. I was married for 12 years to an acholic. We seperated 3 times before I finally left for good. I used the I have a child with him I can't leave the first time. I used the religouis no divorce excuse the second time. The third time I couldn't come up with a good excuse to stay. I did get counselling, but for my son and myself: not for my ex=husband any more. By than I could care less what happened to him.

My advise would be to soul search and see if you have any more love for him or is your caring for him also slipping as he is. You don't have to take your child away from his father. Your child will still get to see his father , only you can't live with his father anymore. Your child should be okay knowing that both you and his dad still love him, but you have to see him at diffferent times seperately. Get counselling for you and your child and don't worry about what your husband does. Like the acholic only he can control himself,you can't control him.

You have 2 children take care of them and yourself. My opinion is a child can have many different dad's: but a child only has one mother. Love your kids and tell them that everyone they know loves them also everynight before bed. Good luck and God Bless.

This is only my own opinion, but I am so surprised when I hear that any woman stays and forgives cheating. I am a firm believer of once a cheater always a cheater. They do not change. Love yourself and know that you deserve better than a man cheating even once! I believe that it is the single only reason in a marriage to not give a second chance. To have a sexual act with another woman, and then come and touch my body- NO way!

I would never judge someone who had children with more than one man. I mean if you were say 22 and have 3 children by 3 men, then yes, there is an issue. But you are normal. Move on for your kids!!!! You all deserve to be happy!

No judgement here , you need to provide a happy and stable home for your children , and being with a man where you will always be wondering "is he cheating" is not that happy stable home. I understand you forgiving the first time and wanting to work it out , but there is no excuse for him doing it again. I personally think your kids will suffer more if they are brought up in an unhappy home , but you need to do what you think is best and yes of course they will be people that judge you on your situation , but they are not likely to be or become your friends , your friends and family are the people that matter the most , and your friend who was once in the same boat as you may be soon will be your rock through this.

I wish you the best

I know i would not judge you at all! Plus people are always going to talk about other people behind their back no matter what. If its not one thing its another. A lot of people (women especially) thrive off of gossip. Just ignore it. Life is to short to take what others may think to personally. You have to do what is right for you and your son. Your husband had a second chance and he messed up. My guess is if you stay and keep trying he will just do it again. If your not happy then leave. It will be better in the long run.

I sure as heck wouldn't stay with a cheater just because people might talk about me. They are your children, and no one needs to know who you were with when you conceived them. It's none of their business. Do what is best for you and your kids, and to hell with people who are judgmental.

People that judge others are just ignorant! People judge me all the time for who knows what reason. I really don't care. I am happy and very satisfied with myself and my children. My older children (19 and 15) are from my first husband and my 6 year old is from a different dad. I also have the stigma attached to me of being a divorced woman. I get judged for that too. It is so much easier for people to look into the lives of others and judge them then to deal with their own demons. It used to really bother me because my family judged me the hardest but after close self-examination I realized that they are all very jealous because I am happy and they are very unhappy. I think you should do what is best for you and remember not to judge yourself! It is quite a misunderstanding that people have that the kids will suffer the most from divorce. It is a big kick in the pants for everyone!! I can tell you from previous experience that your kids are suffering a lot by watching unhappy parents. You are teaching your children how to conduct themselves in relationships. Be a phoenix and rise from the ashes and teach your children that life is full of roadblocks but they be can be beaten.

My youngest brother has 3 kids by two different women. My sister has 3 kids by two different men. Given my family, no I absolutely would not judge you. You have to do what's best for you. Being in an unhappy marriage makes for an unhappy mom and a toxic environment for your children. They will pick up on it. Kids are incredibly perceptive. I don't think you should stay in a marriage if you are happy. It sounds to me like you made every effort to make the marriage work.
People will judge you if you leave and people will judge you if you stay. Just do what is right for YOU and your kids.

If the environment that you will raise your kids in is one of dysfunction, where there is no real trust in your marriage and you and your husband are unable to model a healthy relationship, then I think your kids may be better off having a content, single M. for the time being. I myself hold grudges and could never bring myself to fully love my husband again if he ever cheated on me but some people can. If you think you can, then do so, but if you are going to live your life unhappy then don't. Your daily unhappiness and resentment towards your husband (again, if you are like me) will be much worse for your kids than having a single parent home. As for what people say or think, screw them! Most of the mothers that are so judging and have their "my way or the highway" opinions are lacking in their own lives!! I have a few friends in this exact situation and they are all very independent, responsible, great mommies who just got the short end of the stick in a few situations! Hugs to you, you will get through this no matter what you choose!!

Personally I would judge you on who YOU are, not your circumstances or whether your children have the same father. What you might want to ask yourself when deciding what to do, is whether you would want your children to treat their prospective partners the same way your husband is treating you. Children learn by example and if they see cheating as acceptable, chances are they are more likely to act this way. Why would you want to put up with it, your children will be upset sure, but aren't they upset each time you catch him cheating. Whether you argue in front of them or not, they are aware of any hostile atmosphere between you both.
You must know you are worth more than that, YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT!!! Don't let him tell you or make you believe otherwise. You deserve to be happy too!!!
Get him out, who knows it could just be the wake up call he needs. After all he just keeps getting away with it doesn't he??

I wouldn't judge. All kinds of people have been married multiple times, and as we all know, marriages end for many reasons: young and didn't know any better, a spouse cheated, two people fell out of love, people want to go different directions with their lives, etc etc.

I would imagine that only those people closest to you would necessarily even know that your kids have different fathers anyway.

In any case, public opinion is not a reason to stay in a bad marriage. Do what's right for you. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Good luck and stay strong.

Honestly I think that the thought of staying in a marriage with a cheating husband just because you don't want to be judged is kind of silly. If you do not think that he will change and he will continue to cheat I think I would feel better knowing that I am done with the situation instead of worrying what he is really doing when he says he is "working late" I would rather be judged for having 2 kids from 2 different men then being judged for staying with a cheating husband knowingly. I know several people who have multiple children from different dads and I don't judge them but if I had a friend in a relationship where the guy isn't faithful I would probably think a little less of her. Not to be mean or anythint because I don't want to I just want you to put yourself first in this situation instead of worrying what others may think, and who really cares what they think. Your kids will be fine.

So people will judge you. Some will learn their lesson when they find themselves as the object of judgement, others won't. Is that worth living a lie for? Is that worth risking your life for (when your husband cheats, he risks your life)? Is it worth compromising your dignity and the wellbieng of your child for?

I know you already know this, but I'm just saying that I support you doing the best you can with what life presents to you. If someone is judging you, they're shaming themselves, not you. Their shame is a gift that you don't have to accept. Let them stew with it. It actually doesn't affect you unless you allow it to.

I wish you all the best

#1. I wouldn't worry about what others thought of me, I would worry about what STD's I might get from my husband from cheating on me.

#2. I wouldn't worry about what others thought of me, I would worry about my children learning about it and thinking it's ok because daddy did it to mommy and mommy stayed.

#3. I wouldn't worry about what others thought of me, I would worry about
my own self a steam and feeling depressed.

What I am saying is, don't worry about what others think of you. Focus on being healthy and happy. Your children will be upset at first but then things will get better.

I am sorry that your husband cheated on you. He is wrong for what he did. You can not trust him. I know that stepping out into the world will be hard on your own but you can do it.
Don't give up, fight for your right to be loved, honored, respected and happy.

God bless you and your children.

It seems to me he's not ready for marriage. Honestly from what I read on your posting, you guys seem to have the ideal marriage. The major issues that are contributing factors for divorces like finances and lack of sex were not contributing factors for your marriage. Your finances were in order and you guys had a healthy sex life. It could be he doesn't know what he wants and obviously yearns for those bachelor days. Perhaps he saw his dad cheat on his mom and does not see it as a major issue but a part of the marriage up and downs. My only concern for you is that many times women hold themselves responsible when the marriage falls apart and many of us stay because of our kids. I'm never one to tell people what to do. When my friends are in these situations I'm there for support and a sympathetic ear.

Good luck to you and just surround yourself with positive people that love and support you. Remember people are going to judge you no matter what. Whether its if you feed your kids MacDonalds, breast feed or bottle feed, public school or private school, organic or non-organic, or kids from one man or two men. Someone somewhere will always find something to dislike and I learned in my late twenties that I will never please everyone or get their approvals so I better start marching to my own drum beat and grab my little piece of happiness. Thanks to my shift in thinking, I'm more happier and more at peace with myself. I didn't want to marry my husband because I was concerned about what people would think. He convinced me to take a leap of faith and it was our life to live regardless of what others think. I'm glad I listened to him and my friends and went for it. At first I didn't want more kids but again my husband helped me work through these feelings and we went for it. Later, we did have two babies and I couldn't be happier. Don't get me wrong, it's tough raising three teenagers and two preschoolers and I make the best out of my situation. There are days when its a slam dunk and fun being a mom and there are days where I absolutely fail miserably and its one of those tough days where nothing goes right. In the end, all we can do is give it our best, do it our way, and try to fun along the way.

I'm glad people are being very supportive and encouraging to you. As women I think we should lift each other up and encourage one another.

You do whats right for you and your children and don't worry about what others think! Yes, some people may judge you, but people judge people ALL the time. If you stay they may judge you for staying with a cheater.

Good luck to you!

Hello,
You have to realize some people are very judgemental regardless of the situation. What you have to worry about is whats best for you and your children. If you're not happy in your relationship/marriage how can you make you children happy or yourself for that matter??? I know it's easier said then done, but you can't worry about what others will think of you. You are the one thats providing for you and your children, if you need to talk any further send me a personal message. I understand what you are going through. good luck

Does it really matter what anyone thinks of you? No O. PLANS for divorce. But life happens. This is out of your control. He broke the marriage covenant.
You don't sound like someone who moved in with the first man that came down the pike after your first divorce. I would have more issue with that. Not that what I "have issue" with matters to you at all!
I think you've gotta look ahead at this point. Choose VERY carefully next time! As my old grammy used to say "you can find a loser any day of the week. Be picky!" Safer still, concentrate on your kids for awhile. Good luck!

Nope, I wouldn't judge you.

My cousin has fathered 3 children with 3 different women. One he married when she was 9 months along and promptly cheated on her. He then got serious with another woman and married her. Then the woman he cheated with the first time showed up with 9 month old and said "surprise". Now he and his wife (and mother of child #3) are having problems. My best guess is it was his fault. Do I judge him....ABSOLUTELY! Do I judge those ladies the first two of which are now with other men ....NOT AT ALL!!

Good luck,
K.

I would not judge you or anyone until I knew the entire story, but still even after knowing the story even if it weren't like yours (say someone has unprotected sex with strangers or one night stands and got pregnant and kept the kids), I am (NOR IS ANYONE ELSE) in any position to judge you and if they do, you do not need them in your life. Now that I'm done with that...

I think you need to think long and hard about where you want to be in your life as well as where you want your children to be growing up. Do you want them in a family/house where the parents do not get along? Where the mom (IE: you) resents the father or watches his every step to make sure he's not stepping out (not sure if this is what it's like, just making this up as I go), a family where down the road they find out he cheated on you various times and you forgave him each time because of THEM? I would think that they would feel horrible if they knew that. I understand your reasoning for wanting to stay, but I have always said that it's better to be two good parents APART then two okay parents TOGETHER.

I agree with your thinking - you forgave him once. He had no reason to every do it again (not that anyone has a reason) but especially since he did it once, was forgiven and had counseling. I think that it would be a bad move for you to stay with him because I think he will just do it again. I think your children will grow up and if/when they find out, they will totally agree with what you did (maybe not at first especially if they are teens!).

But overall, you need to be happy. If it were me, I do not think I could trust my husband after he did it a second time because even if he NEVER EVER EVER did it again, I would always be thinking he was lying when I could not get a hold of him, when a mysterious phone number showed up, etc. But that is my opinion.

Good luck in whatever you do. I do not think it would or will be easy to divorce especially with children, but you must do what is best for you and your family...even if that means the family is now you and your two children.

I have 2 kids by 2 diffrent fathers so I am as bad as you are. Now my idea in my head is 2 kids by 2 fathers obviously the first marriage didn't work. 5 kids by 5 fathers I would be quicker to judge. My other half has 4 kids by 3 moms. how would you judge him without knowing the story. I know the story.

now that you have judged him The first mom took off with the kid and he never knew where he was. The second mom they had 2 and she never allows him to see them and it is a legal battle for him to get visitation. The reason she is a controlling b**** and thinks the kids are a possesion not a child. They are her "paycheck" in her eyes. so what is the diffrence between you first judging him and now??? so now technically he has one kid he can see when ever he wants which is what he wanted all along. btw he did find his oldest now and is allowed to see him whenever he wants. So was your first impression that he was aman wh***? or that he had been divorced?

Now that you know the reasons people have multiple kids by multiple men or women are you as fast to judge?? people like me who have 2 kids by 2 dads don't think anything of it.

Now days it seems a lot of people marry at least twice in their lives. This is not so unusual anymore. And you had a kid per marriage, not per casual relationships, also not unusual. I don't think anyone would judge you for that. But..... i would certainly not think well of you if you stayed in a bad marriage just so people wouldn't judge you. Who cares what people think? Your's and your kids happiness should be your #1 concern. Sorry your hubs is a creep.

Don't ever think about what people are thinking of you if you are not happy or trust your partner in life. If you can't stand to be around him and are unhappy then what are your children seeing and thinking marriage is? You want them to be as happy as you are in a marriage. They can't see that if you are unhappy.
Your kids will suffer. That's a fact, but when they are older and understand what an affair is and the pain that it brings they will understand.

You should not be worry about what others think about you. Do what is best for you and your kids. Personally, I would not judge someone based on how many different fathers their kid have. Every relationship has their up and down and sometime it just doesn't work out. If I were in your situation, I would leave this man because he surely doesn't know how to respect his wife and kid. I know sometime it easy said then done but you already gave him another chance and he didn't change a bit. Please do not stay in a marriage for the sake of your son. I'm sure your son would want you to be H. and not stay in a marriage and be sad.

You've got alot of advice here, but I still wanted to throw in my two cents :) First, I am sorry for what you are going through. Being cheated on by your husband has be a knife in the heart. So what if you are going to be 2x divorced, with 2 kids. SO WHAT!! Back in our grandmothers day, women stayed married no matter what, thank goodness thats not "expected" anymore. He broke your marriage vows more then once. You gave him another chance, he blew it again. Why stay married to someone who clearly does not respect nor deserve you? I would be more apt to judge someone for tolerating that, then leaving. With that said, I think no matter what you do you are going to get judged. Who cares? People do not know the whole story, they don't know what you have gone through. It's none of their business. And if they don't like the choices you've made, then can simply not be in your life. I have seen ALOT in my life, and I have learned a long, long time ago that you shouldn't judge others unless you live in a day in their shoes. Situations are NEVER just black and white. So why worry what others think about you over something like this? You're a "victim" here. It's not as if you juumped from man to man over the years. You got dealt a bad hand so to speak. Do whats best for you, and don't worry about everyone elses opinion! good luck, and stay strong :)

Good Afternoon
First of all I think you are a very smart woman to think about how your actions will effect your children. I have a cousin that has 4 children by 3 different fathers and while she may be judged by some I cannot help but imagine how unhappy she would be if she stayed with any or the ones that didnt work out simply to save face. My advice to you is, life happens, certain things are beyond our control and a woman who can pick up the pieces and still be brave enough to live her life is simply amazing.

I love what Jane M. said. Oh, and I 1000% disagree with 8kidsdad. In this situation, change doesn't start with you......it starts with him not cheating on you anymore and putting his selfishness aside for his family.

Not everyone who divorces a cheating partner is taking the easy way out or has a victim mentality. In the same way, not everyone who decides to stay in a marriage with a cheating partner is a saint. There is no formula that every family follows. You need to do what is right for you and your kids, not what we think is right.

I have a sister in law that has 6 kids from 5 husbands. She chose to have it that way by her actions. She was told about the men she slept with and that they were a bad choice. She also made many mistakes in her marriages.

You said your current husband cheated on you. Bad news. Big mistake. I don't condone that or approve of that. But you don't give us enough information to judge him or you, except to say he made mistakes. Maybe you made mistakes too. The quote you gave about shame on him and shame on you came from Napoleon. Remember, Napoleon was a failed and defeated general and a lousy leader. If you want to learn to cook, don't ask the person that burns hard boiled eggs. A better quote for you might be "To err is human, to forgive divine."

See the movie. "Fireproof" with your husband, if possible, without him if necessary. Read and follow the book "Love Dare". Read and follow the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". You may be able to turn this around and have a good marriage and a loyal husband. But it will take effort on your part and his part. It has to start with you.

I've been using the idea of the "Love Dare" for the almost 37 years of my marriage. Read my profile. It hasn't been a bed of roses. But thinking about it, it may have been a bed of roses. I almost forgot about the thorns on the roses. Married young? I was 22 and my wife was 18 when we got married.

If you don't go to church, start. Its important to be around people that believe in the longevity of marriage. At the church my wife and I attend, almost all of the adults over 50 have been married for 25 years or more. The exceptions are the widows and widowers. Out of 350 members, including kids, I know of maybe 8 divorces. If you want to know about my church e-mail me. I'm careful where I cast my pearls.

Avoid the failure crowd. You can identify them when you hear them. Divorce is on their lips and in their resume. (Remember about the cook and the burnt hard boiled eggs?) Everything was their spouces fault. They were just taken advantage of. And if you believe that, I've some swamp land in Arizona I'll make you a deal on.

Good luck on saving your marriage.

I would not judge you for having 2 kids from 2 different fathers, or even having 3 kids with 3 different fathers. I have a friend who has 3 kids , all different fathers (the last man left her last summer for another women, but that's another story). I also wouldn't judge you for leaving OR for staying with your husband.

I know you had a lot of responses, almost all were supportive of you leaving and I agree. If my husband cheated once, I would forgive him, I think we are all guilty of sinning in our lives. If it happened a second time, I am honestly not sure how I would feel. However, someone mentioned a good book to read, although I can't remember the name, it was something about keeping or having a happy husband. My question, before you decide whether to leave or stay.... how happy is your marriage, is your husband happy in terms of your sex life, is he a good dad, is he a good husband, do you have regular time together (date nights etc)?? I don't expect you to answer the questions, but it is meant for you to think about. If you have a good marriage and a good sex life, I would wonder why your husband feels he needs to go elsewhere. If his needs are not being met at home, that is another story. However, I hope he also is willing to meet your needs as well ( housework, kids, etc etc). I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

Nope I wouldn't judge you I judge your husband for choosing to cheat on his family not once but twice really the first time i'd be out the door with our kids' in tow divorce papers soon to follow no questions asked...There wouldn't be any counseling my husband know's how I feel on been unfaithful cheating on his wife/family..It not only hurts us but others around you as a whole...If he has done it once and choose not to change how can you go on trusting him not do it a third time after he's already done it to you twice...My advice is go see your gyno get alll STD testing if you haven't already & ask him to leave if he doesn't & you really don't want to go through this again then you and your kiddos leave & file for a divorce.I'm sure you have thought long & hard about this but society has us thinking that we should care of what other's think about us & really we need to care about ourselves who cares what others think..I haven't been in your situation but before I ever do & hopefully not I thought all about worse case scenarios & what I would do.

My mother has been married 4 times. My brother and sister are from her first husband, I am from the second. My mother is a pillar of our community.

If people judge you, then they are not the friends you want to spend your time with. Everyone makes mistakes, some are just more public than others.

The best advice I can give you is to not let your daughter hear that your first marriage didn't count. She is a product of that marriage and she counts.

Oh, and none of our friends ever made fun of us kids for having 2 different dads. For the most part, they didn't even pay attention to it.

I think your concern should be not about what people are thinking of you, but your own happiness. I know that this is trite to say because who DOESN'T worry about what people think? In this case, though, it is especially true, because you have to do what's best for you & your kids, regardless of who their father(s) are. I am an adult child of divorce and I know how stressful it can be on a child when the parents stay together "for the kids". It's really very counterproductive.

Also, I really think that I personally would think more of you if you stood up for yourself and left a man who was cheating on you, than a woman who stayed with a cheating husband because she was worried about what people might think. The only people you have to prove anything to is God and your kids.

Hope everything works out for you!!!

It doesnt matter what ANYONE else thinks, you need to do whats best for you and your children. Besides people are going to talk anyways.. they just do. They are going to talk if you stay with him or if you leave him. Do what makes you happy. For most people once a cheater, always a cheater. They may suffer more if you stay in an unhappy marriage.

Good Luck With everything!

My mother, 4 children, 4 husbands I am the youngest and my father was the first husband. Do the math. Who cares what anyone else thinks. Each time she married she said she was "trading up" or "just practicing".

The only thing that matters is you and your kids. What do you want? What is best for you? Anyone who judges you negatively about you doing what is best for YOU and YOUR KIDS really says more about them then it does about you.

B.
Family Success Coach

Going back to counseling will help if you think you need it but YOUR HUSBAND IS A CHEATER so that will not stop him. Children suffer for many reasons and we cannot always save them. This too will be sad, but unless your husband is willing to change, you take care of you and your little ones.Do not worry about the amount of children and donors you had. Love them.

Thats horrible you have been done that way by someone that should hold you high! I think you should leave and to heck with others thoughts of you and why. You know the reason and deserve better. im sure it will be hard for you and your children but to stay is not healthy either in my thoughts. Keep your head up! =D

It doesn't matter what we think. It is your life and your happiness that is important. People in second marriages often turn their head to blatant issues because they are afraid of failing again. What your husband is doing is very unhealthy and I am sure painful to you. A marriage is based on commitment. If you think that there is anything worth saving , see if he will go to counseling with you. Also divorce is always difficult for the kids. Honesty and loyalty are important aspects of a marriage. dk

Well some people will judge for almost anything, I am working on really not caring about that bc you can just never please everyone. It is hard to feel the disapproval of others, but what can you do? I would personally not judge you for that or even know unless you told me. As far as the situation with your husband, cheating is a deal breaker unless you just decide to move on from it. I don't know if I could or not, but I am inclined to think I couldn't because it is so shattering to trust. Whatever you decide, I say don't fret about people's judgments. Some people would probably judge you for staying with someone who cheated. The only thing to think of now is what is best for you and your kids and what can you live with and through. I am sorry you are going through this, I really wish you all the best. Take care!

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We've all judged, we've all been judged. This is human nature. You do what is best for you and your family -- and do the best you can. That is all we can ever do, right? Look within your heart to find your answer. For me, personally, I could forgive once. Very best of luck to you in this difficult situation and decision.

When people are judging others, usually they are judging their behavior and I see nothing wrong with judging ones behavior. Your behavior has been fine, it is your husband who was the cheater, not you, so his behavior will be judged. You do what you want and don't worry what others may think. You have to do what is best for your children(not you). If your relationship is negative around the children, then that will affect the kids. If it is positive around the kids then I would consider staying, so the children can grow up in an intact home. Sometimes all of the sacrifices we do for our children can be really difficult on us, but we need to always keep our children in mind and do what's best for them.

Take out your paper and pencil... Two columns titled CREDITS or DEBITS. If tyour credit list outweighs the debit list decide to work or the relationships for a while longer (if not, dump him after you get your ducks in a row and your pennies together to support the kids).

Back to pencil and paper... Why is he cheating??? The standard answer I experienced was 'It has nothing to do with you!" It felt pretty personal but I had to admit one of the reasons I was attracted to him was because he was a 'catch' (other women adored him too!) and I wouldn't have wanted to be with him if others hadn't wanted him also. There was a 10 year age difference (22-25 vs. 31-34 - him). His history as a 'rake' was long and habitual. There were no children at that time. I considered an open marriage but decided I couldn't tolerate other women from my own backyard. With nothing to really lose, however, I decided what was sauce for the goose was sauce for the gander. I had a one night stand and got caught. He cried! I was amazed!!! He thought he would get a divorce!!! I laughed! He had no proof (as I did). I had to point out that he hurt me the same as he hurt. We stayed together. He seemped to be more or less cured and invested more in our relationship!

Five years later we got pregnant and had two wonderful girls within 11 months. His restlessness again arose and indulged with 'our' best female friend while I was sexually incapacitated (the end of the second pregnancy). That did sting! Now I felt stuck... Couldn't work (tried at home) but certainly couldn't support myself with two young babies... and he would take them from me if I left. I had to decide... (paper and pencil) was my pride worth his financial support (he'd never pay alimony). Again... why was he doing this (he knew I couldn't -- gave him the opportunity to 'stick it to me' so to speak??). In trying to discuss it he would change the subject and I would get angry (he knew how to work me). To be honest I 'sucked-it-up' and concentrated on earning what income I could to elevate my status (eventually had a pretty good business going). Part of the problem was changing life-style (his a a 42-year-old playboy and mine as a wild-thing) to toning it down to include the children in our activities... Some men feel VERY, VERY tied-down and can't see the light at the end of the (daily-weekly-yearly) tunnel whereas some men (with the right touch of zaniness) can modify their needs...

Long and short... 50 years later he dotes on his grandchildren, arm chair and HD-TV and I would like to spend more time traveling AND gadding about. Know any good men out there????

P.S. I do agree with Faith... If the debit side of the list is as dismal as hers (addicted to self-indulgence with no empathy for his mate) DUMP HIM!

I would not judge you. The fact of the matter is your current husband has cheated on you 2 times now. He stated he would change and he obviously didn't. In my opinion, I would divorce him and fight custody battle for the kids. I'm not trying to be mean. I was in a relationship, granted it was in high school, and my boyfriend at the time had cheated on me with my best friend. I never forgave him nor my friend. Now, I do know that it is different when you are married and have kids. I've always told my husband if he cheated on me, I would find out and I would win the custody battle for them.

Now, I know that people who cheated on their spouses who have kids make it more difficult. You think, should I divorce? What will happen to the kids? You don't want your kids being raised without a father figure, but you also have to look at it from the fact of the matter that your husband did cheat on you....not once but twice! He doesn't deserve a great woman like you. I know it would be hard to raise your kids on your own, but you have to look at it from the standpoint of what really is better for your family.

If you stay together and get couseling, how do you know he won't cheat again? What happens if he gets another woman pregnant? How would that change your lives? Your husband can still remain a part of your kids lives without the two of you being together. I would sit down with your husband and just tell him that he cheated on you once and told you that he was going to change and it wouldn't happen again and then he did it again. There is no more trust in the relationship and you feel that it would be better to divorce and save yourself the heartache. If he asks you what is going to happen with the kids, I would simply say "Well, it doesn't look like you were looking after your family at all when you cheated on me." It may sound mean, but it's the truth.

If you want to end it nicely, I would just tell him flat out that he cheated on you twice and you have no more trust in him and you feel it would be best for your family if you would just divorce. Tell him he can be as involved as he wants with the kids.

Only you can decide what is best for YOU!!!! Good luck and God Bless!

Hey, I say just squirt all over town. I mean there may be a mister right at the next bar or truck stop. After all, all that matters is don't judge anyone. Why stop at 2. You should have 5 by 5 different fathers, that way you can have your own basketball team...after all why should your kids share a father? Each can have their own!!!!