I totaled my van this week and have spent days researching and searching for the right van to replace it with. My dad and I have had fun sharing finds with each other talking about how to go about getting the right car. I narrowed it down to three used cars that I was really excited about, but was waiting to make a move once we got the final figures from the insurance company. In the meantime, my father-in-law was searching for used vans and SUVs without asking us what we were looking for or even telling us he was looking too. He didn't even know whether we had purchased a van yet! He just told my husband tonight that he put money down on a vehicle for us and that it was a surprise...wouldn't tell my husband what kind of vehicle it was even when he asked. I am feeling like we're being controlled by him, and it has been his pattern in the past as well. I am very grateful that he wants to actually purchase the car for us...it's an amazing gift, but I would much rather that he had offered us money so that we could find something that we chose to suit our family and our own personal likes. I don't know what to do.
Thank you so much for all of your advice. To clarify, my FIL put money down to hold the van, and he is purchasing it for us. We aren't allowed to know what it is or even test drive it. My husband spoke with him last night and expressed that we had mixed feelings because of already choosing a van that we loved. I also sent a very loving letter, expressing my sincerest gratitude and how it caught me off guard since we wouldn't have any say in what I'd be driving. ...a very difficult thing as an opportunity to choose a new car doesn't come around but ever 10 years or so. I haven't heard back yet. It truly is a very controlling situation, without going into too many details, and he STILL won't tell my husband what kind of car it is! So weird. If he still chooses to give it to us, and we like it, we'll obviously keep it. If not, we'll sell it and replace it with what we like at the risk of his anger. As my husband said, it's a gift, so he doesn't get to choose what we do with it. Thanks again.
In case anyone really wants to know :) ... We finally found out make and model of the vehicle that was purchased for us!! It's an SUV limited edition. It would be wonderful to drive as I've never had such a nice car, but the size just doesn't suit the family. So, as it turns out, my husband's car did not pass inspection and is too much to repair, so his dad will purchase him a car instead. Grateful that we didn't have to purchase two new cars!
Accept the car with gratitude. If you don't like it after a while, sell it and get something you do want. That's what I would do.
I thought the down payment is just so they will hold the car for a day or so. Go look at it and if not suitable ask for the money back and explain what happened.
He hasn't signed anything yet. Go see it, but if it's not what you and your husband have in mind, tell him. Thank him profusely, but tell him.
I can see your point but if he's paying, his choice. It's an amazing gift and much more fun for him probably to pick it out and surprise you than write a check. So either you accept this is super nice and be very grateful or you turn any help whatsoever down. So I'd tell him how nice that is but you're adults and want to pay for a car yourselves. Please put the money in an account for the kids. Or take his money via the car and be super appreciative. Can't have your cake and eat it too. My inlaws certainly never came remotely close to a gift like this.
i can understand being somewhat taken aback, but it honestly sounds to me as if he's just tickled and excited to be able to present you with such an awesome surprise.
i myself would stay in the 'isn't that sweet?' zone rather than leap to 'omg, you're trying to control us with your very generous gift!'
i mean, if you really don't like what he's done, thank him, and suggest courteously that he just give you the money. and be prepared to be just as gracious and courteous if his feelings are hurt and he bugs out altogether.
khairete
S.
Tell him.
Or accept it.
I guess there are consequences to either action.
Would you feel this way if YOUR dad had done this??
if he put an earnest down payment on the vehicle, he might be able to get some of his money back.
Why not go and check the vehicle out? I'm sorry that you totaled yours. Since you are here and posting, I'll assume that everyone is okay and no one was seriously injured?? I'd be thanking God for that one.
Instead of getting bristled by this action? Say THANK YOU and go see it. If you don't like it - then state it won't work for you and why. You'll need to check with your insurance company to find out how much it will cost to insure this new vehicle too and if you can afford it. So ASK what kind of car it is so you can get figures for the future costs.
Good luck!
Sounds like your father-in-law maybe was a little jealous of you sharing all the details about your "finds" with your own father? Maybe he decided to take over? You say he is usually controlling like this about other things, so what have you done about it in the past?
I think your husband has to handle his own father, frankly. If your husband doesn't want the car - or if it sets a terrible precedent by accepting it - then have your husband tell his dad that the vehicle he chose may not be appropriate for your family because you have certain criteria to accommodate your family and the type of driving/trips you do. OR just say that this is a decision your husband will make with you. I'd downplay any involvement you've had with your own father through all of this though - no need to hurt your FIL's feelings on that level. Your husband should tell his father to get his down payment back because you don't yet have figures from the insurance company. If it would be possible (and not encourage your FIL to be too involved), your husband MIGHT offer to let FIL go test drive a few cars with you guys, but that's as far as I'd go. If your FIL has any worthwhile opinions on the subject, you can include him. But if he is the type who only gives financial gifts with strings attached, then your husband has to find a way to say "no". I do think it's odd that your FIL won't even say what kind of car it is - that's super-controlling.
Boundary issues. Parents don't choose cars for independent adults. I think it's time for the two of you to have a face to face discussion with FIL about appropriate boundaries. If he was willing to pay for some part of this vehicle, the appropriate thing to do is to give you a contribution toward whatever vehicle you chose. You don't need to keep the vehicle he bought you. If you have the money to buy one, just get what you want, tell him thank you but you've chosen and purchased what you want and need. You could also take his "gift" and sell it, and use the money toward the vehicle of your choice. That might make him think twice about doing something like this again.
I do not consider a car a gift if he put money down and you would need to make payments.
Sure you will would most likely need to do both with your own purchase, but super un cool that he is trying to control you.
Wow. These kinds of situations are always tough. While it's kind of him to want to help, it seems a bit controlling, and since you've said this has been a pattern for him, I can see where it would be difficult for you.
Since he's only made a downpayment, you could always check it out, and who knows? Maybe it will be just perfect for your family. If it doesn't seem to be a good fit for you (e.g., doesn't have room for all the carseats necessary, not enough trunk space for sports equipment, not enough seats to fit all the kids in the car pool, etc.), you should tell him and politely decline.
He may offer to help with another more suitable vehicle, or he may get upset and withdraw his gift altogether, but really, when he's spending this amount of money, I can't believe he'd want to buy you something that clearly won't work for your family.
You were already prepared to buy your own vehicle anyway, so if he withdraws his offer, it's not like you're unable to do this yourself.
Good luck. I know there are far worse problems to have in the world, but it's still an awkward situation for you and your husband.
J. F.
Buying you a car is different than putting money down, so which is it? Will he hold this generous gift over your heads?
If he actually bought it for you, I say be gracious and accept it. You can always sell it for something you really want. If he just put down a down payment then you and your husband decide if you like it enough to finance it and can afford the monthly payment.
So ... Your father in law buying you a car won't change what the insurance company gives you, right? I say take the car he gives you, be gracious, and the go ahead with your own plans. If he asks why later, just explain that his car, while a lovely gift, didn't suit all your needs. If he wants it back, then give it back, no harm, no foul.
How does your husband feel about this? He needs to have a personal discussion with his father. Something along the lines of, "while we appreciate your generous gift, a vehicle selection is a matter of personal choice, and we would like to make our own choice as a couple" FIL will probably be hurt, but HE chose to do this and to take a risk that you would want such a significant surprise. DH could gently tell him that if he really wants to help, you would appreciate his gift of money towards a vehicle that you two shop for together instead. Be prepared for him to drop any kind of help for you. He wants to be involved. Maybe he just really enjoys the whole car researching/buying process. But this is overstepping. You are married, grown adults, not teen children. If it bothers you more that your husband, or if he sees the benefit of a free vehicle is greater than your own involvement in selection, you want to just accept it. You can always drive it for awhile, and then sell/trade it if you don't like it.
Sorry about the loss of your former vehicle. It's tough loosing a car.
Even if FIL is controlling, not a problem as long as you have the title to said car turned over to you and is in your name. Then you can do what you want to with the car since it will be yours. If he maintains the title or if the car isn't completely paid for by him then you can just give it back to him.
Disappointed seniors, dissappointed toddlers, or disappointed teens, three things I don't worry about so much. I care about their feelings but don't expend much energy on temper tantrums from any of these populations of family members.
Personally I just would have let my husband handle his father and not have sent him anything regarding this matter. If he happened to ask me directly, I would direct him back to his son.
There is nothing for you to do but come into agreement with your husband about his father's generous gift with strings and keep it moving. Any way you look at it, your family will end up having the car you need. That's the real blessing.
Well, I think I'd wait and see what he got. But all in all if it's big enough then it's fine.
Don't be so picky. There are a lot of people out there you can give it to if you don't like it enough to drive it. Drive it a couple of years then trade it in.
IF he's only making the down payment and the money will come out of your joint account that you share with him then I don't know what to say.
Does he put money in the account every month? Do you put money in the account every month? Is it truly a joint account where he can empty it out or you could empty it out when ever the whim strikes? Is it really his own money that you are using?
If it's your money he's spending then you have a say in how it's spent. If it's his money he can darn well do what he wants with his own money.
