Unplanned Pregnancy, Separated Father

That's quite a story. And you're only 24. And your daughter is 2. Conceived after you both graduated from college. Ok, the numbers aren't really working for me but just in case you're for real, you need to man up, get your name on the birth certificate, start paying support and establish regular visitation or you'll regret this the rest of your life. And I don't care if your ex tricked you, I don't care if she's gay, and I certainly don't care about your plans to travel. The only thing I care about is the little girl and I pray the two of you don't screw up a human being. Oh and if stepping up to the plate doesn't appeal to you, than you don't deserve the advice of any of the good mama's on this site.

Wow! Not sure where to begin...I don't mean to sound harsh, but I feel bad for your daughter. She was accidentally brought into this world by two adults who can't seem to make any decisions in their lives (you don't know if you want to be a parent and she can't decide if she's gay or straight). I really do feel bad for her.

You are 100% responsible for this little girl. You may have never wanted children, but you KNOWINGLY had sex with a woman who was not on birth control. You have no excuse--you could have used a condom or refused to have sex.

You now have to put this precious child first. You and mom need to grow up--use your college educated brains--and make some decisions. And, you need to pay some support. You better go without before your daughter does. I'm sure you have some extra somewhere--eat ramen noodles, don't buy alcohol/cigarettes, heck--give up your cell phone!

You are a dad and a man...act like one--a little girl's life depends on it!

And, you're lucky I didn't even start with the abortion!

I admire your courage for telling your story on a "Mom's" website. Be prepared to get negative responses from some. It's so easy to judge others.

Don't beat yourself up over what's already happened, or what's already been said. Keep writing in your journal. Keep in touch with your daughter's grandmother, since she seems supportive of you. Stay in your daughter's life as much as you can in any way you can. Tell her you are her Dad. You don't know at this time how you life or her mother's will progress, and you only have control over your actions, not hers. Your daughter will grow up to be an adult and will decide for herself what she wants from your relationship.

Good wishes to you and to your daughter.

I'm having a hard time feeling bad for you. You didn't trust her yet you had unprotected sex anyhow? And your surprised that she got pregnant? You said "I reiterated all this to her and made it clear that I couldn't be a father and this was her responsibility." The fact is you ARE responsible for this child whether you like it or not. Your going to work in China but you can't afford child support? Oh boo hoo! It is your responsibility to support this child no matter where in the world you live. Do you really think that her Mother can support her alone, or that she should have to because you don't want to. Yes your child's Mother lives with her Mother, but it is not the Grandmothers responsibility to support YOUR child. The fact is you both acted irresponsibly and now you BOTH need to accept the consequences of your irresponsibility. You sound like a selfish immature little boy to me, and the only advice I would offer is to your child's mother to hire an attorney and take you to court to force you to support this child that you were perfectly happy to be involved in creating.

Tough situation...as a child of a father who chose to live his life separate from me and then wanted to be in my life later, I feel as though I can speak from a possible view point of your daughter.

Kids want stability, family and to be loved. Do what you can to make that happen. Don't forget about her, make her feel special no matter what your circumstances are.

I know my father regrets his decision to leave us. He recently told me so. Our relationship is very strained and painful for me. I wish he would have been there for me as a child. My mother was not stable or loving. He knew this an did nothing to protect us. Sounds like you are in a similar situation. Kids need protected and a lot of love. I am glad you are considering your daughter when making decisions.

You need to make whatever effort you can to be a part of her life. You don't want to regret it later on and she might not want to have anything to do with you. Dads are very important in someone's life. She needs to know you love her and think about her. Your going to work in China for two years (remember many children have fathers that are deployed) send her cards and letters, remember holidays and her birthday, send money to help care for her( consistently) and small gifts for your daughter. Hopefully her mother will keep them for her to have later on in her life. You have a child now and you don't get to make the decision of if you want to be a parent or not that decision went out the window when you didn't use a condom. Good luck to you! I would also get a paternity test and get your name on the birth certificate.

Don't give up on your daughter. There is no reason you can't still be part of her life. Your daughter needs to know who you are even if you can't be there for her everyday.

You can't be faulted for what you thought was best two years ago or even two days ago. Being a parent is all about growing with that child, learning from mistakes, coping with change, maturing, and becoming a better person. Your instinct is telling you what to do, so listen to it and don't be afraid. She deserves to know her father, and needs you in her life. You do have the right to change your mind.
I say a first step is to get a DNA test and your name on the birth certificate. That is the most important part. Then just take it from there. Even if you are far away, you can still be in her life.
I am glad you have had a change of heart. Now, just have the courage to see it through.
Take care.

You made a baby. Now you want to walk away and pursue your career in another country for 2 years? You are 24. That supposed to mean you are a man. Not a boy. Step up to the responsibilty you helped create, and be a father in every sense of the word. Teenagers can do it. You go on hold, its that baby's turn to flourish. Its about the rights of the child. Children have a RIGHT to have both their parents. BTW what do your parents think of your plan versus your responsibility?

Ok S.K., I didn't read the other responses - but I read your entire post and it hit a nerve. So I apologize in advance if I offed you. Feel free to send me a message if you need to.

Take your Ex to court - before you leave the country - get a DNA test to prove paternity and sue for rights. YEP, you will have to pay child support - which you should be doing anyway. But most states have a % based on income so you shouldn't get scalped.

My son's father was rarely in his life and this has negatively impacted him. Children need both their parents - I don't care what the pundits say - I have been living through this for 14 years.

You can maintain a relationship with your daughter even if you are on the other side of the world. Video tape, audio recordings, Skype, etc. etc., are ways to keep in touch. Video tape yourself reading bedtime stories and have the grandmother play them for her. Sing silly songs and talk to her on tape and send it. Regular old snail mail with lots and lots of photos. Use your imagination. If you have paternity established through the courts you can ask your attorney to make it a provision of the agreement that the mother cannot withhold these forms of communication from your child.

BUT none of this will happen if you don't man up.

Let's face it - you pushed your Ex away when she got pregnant. (Yep, pretty lousy that she lied about birth control). So now she is punishing you. You vacillated on whether you wanted to be involved or not, and now you are paying the price. Later it will be your daughter paying the price for your immaturity.

Nota Bena: I have a friend whose children live in another country. They are in constant communication through email, telephone, and frequent visits. He is no less a father even though he lives thousands of miles away from his children.

It is really up to you now. If you are serious about being a father you must put it all into play before you leave the country. It will be way too late when you get back and your daughter is 4 years old.

Good luck.

You told her to have an abortion, that is usually a deal breaker right there. I would go do your two years and see where things are when you get back. You cant predict the future and you ARE her bio dad. If it doesnt get all stupid and jerry springerish you should be able to care for, support and visit your daughter in the years to come.

I am impressed with your apparent thoughtfulness about the well-being of your child, and the honesty about how your feelings have changed in the face of your life experience. I don't really have much advice to offer, but couldn't just let a previous poster's harsh comments stand without offering you some support.

It sounds like you don't really see a way to be a bigger part of your daughter's life right now. Sad, but perhaps simply realistic. If I were you, I'd start an account for the little girl and put a few dollars aside from anything you earn, so that when you have a chance to connect with her again, you have some resources from which to pay support. At that point, you may wish to get a lawyer to help you establish your rights in court.

But whatever else you do, keep the child's emotional needs in mind. She may, or she may not, benefit from having a long-lost daddy reenter her life in a couple of years. I hope you'll consider getting some counseling to help you determine the most positive way to approach that when the time comes.

My best to you.

If you leave now with no legal terms in place you're going to be pretty much out of luck as far as seeing your child.

You did have a DNA test, didn't you? Sounds like girlfriend could have been a little loose with her affections somewhere along the way. You have thought of that, haven't you? The child could look like you because you believe her to look like you.

You are kind of in a rock and a hard place. You made your bed, are you ready to sleep in it?

Mamma can do a lot of damage to your reputation while you're gone and child may not want a thing to do with you.

I can't tell you what's right or wrong but I think you're going to be paddling upstream without a paddle with this one.

Keep the baby !! You will regret it later on..your story was long but dont give up girl !!

I don't understand why you would want to keep your daughter w/ the mother and stay out of her life. If the mom is dating a girl who you think has mental problems and if the girl is around your daughter, that doesn't seem like a good outcome.

I understand the fact that you never wanted kids, I didn't either. But I have one now and I would never ever turn my back on her.

I honestly don't know what to say. It's a sad situation, but it's even sadder for your daughter. Hopefully, growing up she doesn't have any mental (depression/anxiety/hatred) issues from her past and abandoment.

Ok you really need to be in this child's life. I am only 22 almost 23 my husband is 23 and is in the army. You can imagine its kind of like what you want to do with traveling. My husband get's deployed and we have a 9 months old and a new baby on the way who's due in May. When my kids are old enough and know that daddy is away they will know who he is and what he does. You can do this for your daughter. She needs to know who you are and what you do and want to do with your life. Video tape yourself for her, read stories on the tape anything that will keep you involved.

Trust me keeping yourself out of her life will ruin you and her. My mom didn't want to tell me who my real dad was. I grew up thinking my step dad was my real dad until one day my real dad showed up. My step dad didn't want to tell me til I was like 14, but my mom said no that I needed to know then. Since then I have connected so much with him. He has been in and out of my life. I hardly ever see him, but knowing he is there for me always makes me feel good. You should make your daughter feel that same way.

And I am going to say this and you can be mad all you want, but suggesting an abortion was wrong. My ex made me have one and it was the worst thing in my life I ever did. That child had every right to be here and I took it away, I have to live with this for the rest of my life. Sure it's easy for a man to suggest it, they don't have to live with it or the pain it causes emotionally and physically. The procedure hurt a lot. I was in the same place you were then, my ex didn't want the baby, we both couldn't support a child even though we both had full time jobs. He had a place of his own he just didn't want to man up and be a father. I was only 20, it's been 3 years and still it feels like I did it a month ago it hurts so bad. Just think what that could have done to her (Seeing as she didn't do it on her own in the first place) and like her I couldn't do adoption because I would have become attached easily too. I will just say shame on you for that.

But really you need to do all you can to stay in your daughters life because if you wait to long for that decision you want from her maybe to late and she may already hate you. Remember her mother could tell her lies about you to turn her against you. It's happened in my family that is why I am warning you. The more your daughter knows who you are the better. Good luck with everything and next time your with a girl and she says trust me, don't... My first bf always made sure I took my pill before sex. Women can be very cunning, vicious creatures take it from me I can be as well. I wish you the best.