Unhappy in Marriage

I don't know much about the wanting to have another child part but I do know a lot about being in a relationship that is one sided. My ex husbands famous words were "It's not happening" and that was the end of the discussion. Try writing him a letter or getting him to a counceling session. Ask him what he is afraid of. Maybe there is a deeper problem that he hasn't discussed with you. Good luck.

I understand how you feel K., I felt the same way after trust was broken over personal comfort, so it was very hard to NOT be resentful.
You are young and want another baby...he does not. Nothing is wrong if he does not want any more kids but you both must discuss and respect each other's feelings. A counselor would help as a start to re-establishing communication.
You are at home so maybe he feels that you are not worldly and exciting. Show him that SAHMoms can have a life too, and one that is full of fulfilling projects. (Don't look for male companionship though. It leads to problems)
I would delve more deeply into what'changed' and why.
Don't harp so much on another child but rather, ask him what he wants out of the life he shares with you and the children and GOOD LUCK!
J. S

I would suggest marriage counseling or if the situation is dire, tell him you are considering divorce. Some men refuse to go to counseling, but will reconsider if you show him you are serious about leaving him.
Good luck.

You say you have been unhappy in your marriage for a long time w/ little communication w/ your husband. Now is not the time to add to the family. I think you'd be foolish to think adding another child would suddenly turn your unhappy marriage into a happy one. Is your husband happy? Work on that first. Maybe he's been unhappy w/the marriage for a long time too. I'm sure you don't want to have newborn and a divorce.

Hey K.,

You SAID:
who is he that he can dictate whether or not we have another child? whatever he says goes & my opionions & feelings don't matter.

You know the hardest part of being married is sharing. and Compromise.

You want another child, but he doesn't.

I think he is being honest, and its not as if he Said "NO kids", because he said yes to 2 out of the 3 desired children. he is only saying no this once. Which I think is reasonable and fair.

I don't see it as him laying down the law.

As for your feelings well, you desire another child.
and feel that he is dening you your rights.

But perhaps you could look at it as a compromise instead, that in order to make HIM happy you agree NOT to have this additional child.

And he probably feels he compromised twice before giving you your first 2 sons. When maybe he would have stopped at just the 1.

NOW I am the mother of 3 boys.
We have stopped trying for more children, tho I would LOVE to have a daughter , or even just another baby boy.

i understand that this would be one more than my husband feels he can handle.

So I respect him, and opt to be happy with the 3 that I have.

Now you don't mention what you mean by Whatever he says goes,

But I imagine that he acts like because he earns the paychecks, he is the boss

This is not uncommon for men, and afterall its been this way for 11 years.

The way I look at it is like this, For the most part you can buy and do what you like, but every once in a while he puts his foot down and says NO, its gonna be like this,

And when it comes to certain decisions he feels he has more rights , because he is the one earning the money.
And your feel that because you are NOT earning the money you are LESS entitiled than you feel you should be.

WELL in my opinion you seem to have a good marriage.
one worth trying to work at.

He can't be that bad if your trying to have another baby with him.

I suggest that you initiate sex on a more regular basis,
THis will help you feel more connected to him, and rebuild the passion and desire for eachother.

If the sex isn't that great, well I suggest watching a dirty movie and do a little role play. OR JUST out right tell him what you want him to do to please you. and in that same sense try and please him.

As far as communication, there is no easy way,
You just do it, Say what you have to say, and try and behave in a reasonable, and fair manner.
If he blows up, or shuts down. Don't hen peck him til you get the answer you want.

Get some couseling, talk to religious clergy, or take a marital class together, YOu can afford one then start your own, here is a weblink to order the materials.

http://www.bahai.us/node/220

http://www.marriagetransformation.com/store_MCBF3rdEditio...

Even if you just agree to do the workshop yourselves, it will help.

last little comment,

You have 2 children, and are fortunate enough to be able to stay at home, Enjoy them, because the time passes quickly.
Before you know it they'll be in school.

And then what? Do you get a job?

THink this thru, because were you to leave your husband now, you will not have the same amount of time to dedicate to your children. Instead they'll be in daycare, or school.

I wish you the best of luck

M

Hi! K.,May be he is happy with what hes got already.You need to forgive him before you lose him.Men think differently then we do.You should read Men Are from Mars Women are from Venus ASAP.I was told to do this 7 yrs ago and didnt.Then rent the movie FireProof.They have a great book to do after the movie called the love dare.And read How to win friends and influence people quickly.You need to respect him no matter what.I should know i los tmy husband to someone else 5 1/2 yrs ago.I just read men are from mars women are from venus 2 months ago.OH my what a jerk i was.i have 4 kids.Thank God ,hes a hard worker and a great provider ,mine was to.You should back off and just treat him good.Im 45 and lonely.If you want to talk call me ###-###-#### EST or e-mail me at ____@____.com
Look forward to hearing from you.

It's not like he changed his mind about wanting kids, you have two beautiful boys together. He is the father, an equal partner, the bread winner, Can you see how selfish it sounds when you say "who is he to dictate whether we have another child" because he can be saying that exact same thing as you right now! Who are you to dictate when and how many children he should have? It doesnt even matter his reasons for not wanting one more. Marriage is about compromise, but when it comes to having children, you cannot have half a child!, so, unfortunately for you, no child should be brought into this world unless BOTH parents definitely want that child equally as much. Seems to me you should start accepting your family for what it is, be grateful for what you have. Appreciate the fact that so many others who wish to cannot have ANY children and you are blessed with two beautiful boys. Start by going to counseling first with a goal of getting over your resentment for your husband. You can fill a void in your life in other ways besides constantly wishing for another child. Start focusing on your life as an individual, hobbies, friends, activities, and as a couple, date nights, communication.
I dont mean to sound harsh, but I know what I speak of. My husband and I both wanted kids when we got married. After we had our daughter, we tried for number 2 for a while, buit then my husband was like more relieved when I wasnt getting pregnant than disappointede. At some point his feelings changed and now he is happy with one and he doesnt want another. I was so uypset, I never wanted an only child. We went to counseling and I came to acccept the advice I gave above. I can honestly say that I do not resent my hisband anymore, I am very happy and my marriage is strong and solid. And I am happy. And you can be happy again too. You're 38 years old, and a pregnancy now would be a higher risk to you and the baby, it is time to focus on yourself and your marriage. Take a deep breath, go to counseling and give this hard working, good provider and good father husband of yours the respect her deserves.

HI K.
Sorry for your trouble.
Every marriage has up times and down times. Even the best of marriages. You are certainly in a down time. Kids do the best unless you are in an abusive situation if they are in a secure environment without fighting in front of them.
What do you do for you?
Do you take time for you? Volunteer, exercise at the woman's gym, shop til you drop w/o the boys.
I have been married since you were born. My oldest will be 38 in July. Some of those years have been wonderful, some sad, and some depressing. Mostly because of me, not him. He was providing, doing, and being exactly who I married. I had changed, I was consumed with my boys, but he did not complain about being left out, but he was.
When the boys were finally in middle and high school, we sat down and talked & found each other again, we were going out again, and not worrying about the boys. Things were better. He liked me taking time for him, even when we were going to the boys' sports games we were wrapped in each other. Everything improved. Then we had our twin girls just before our 20th wedding anniversary.
We love each other but I was consumed again with the babies. They were the best surprise the OB could have given us. When they turned 8 or 9, I saw OB, and OB said to me, "is your husband having trouble with your drive?" I didn't know. It didn't seem so but when I went home telling my husband all that OB had said, my husband changed into being interested in me.
God bless you and help you to relax in the down time.
God give you peace to see what will happen in time.
K. --- SAHM married 38 years ---- adult children 37,coach; 33,lawyer; and twins 19 in college after homeschooling.

K.,
This sounds like a carbon copy of my life. Everyone else responding to your desire to have another says what everyone says to me.....'you already have 2', 'compromise for the sake of your marriage (can't really have 1/2 a child as far as I know)','get a hobby','work part time' or 'volunteer'.
I have tried all of the above, and it does not really take care of a desire to have another child. It is a real NEED (your need + the need for your kids to have the bond of siblings), not just something that can be solved by filling your time trying to cover up the need. My husband and I are at the point of divorce, and I am a bit afraid of money issues leaving him also, but I know that taking a stand for something that is this important to me will not only make me a stronger person, it seems to also instill in my husband the understanding of how important the children we DO have are! I think you need a support system on this issue, just as I do. Feel free to e-mail me back (if nothing else, I have information on options for mothers wanting to go it alone to have another). And remember, your husband will always be in your life as Dad to the two you do have (not saying that you shouldn't try to work this out with him) but living with regret will end up making you resent him more anyway!!

K.,
I think the important parts that everyone is missing is that you have been unhappy in your marriage for quite a while, have no communication and little sex life.
My husband and I are going through something similar however, we've only been together for less than 2 years! He decided that one child was enough and I'm very upset with him for deciding that for me as well. I feel it's a decision we should have made together and before we got together, he said he wanted kid(S) but now has decided that it's just too much work.
I understand that he is the provider and maybe he's resentful that you get to stay home while he works (although he has no idea how hard your job is). Yes, you are lucky to be able to stay home with the kids but that doesn't mean that you are bored or want to fill a void. Maybe you just love being a mom?
I LOVE being a Mom. I would have a lot of children if I could afford it. I really feel like it is the whole reason I'm here and the thing I do best! I love it and would love to stay home if I could or even do daycare from the home.
Ok..back to you (haha)...I think you should consider counseling for YOURSELF to talk about the issues that are going on in the marriage. Will he go to marriage counseling? If not, go yourself. Because there is much more than just the baby issue, but, that alone can cause a huge amount of resentment and anger when you feel he is controlling a huge decision in your life.
Someone once told me to "write it down"...meaning write a list of all the reasons to stay, and then the reasons to go.
It's true that it MAY be much harder if you leave because of custody, money, daycare, etc. but no one knows your financial situation or how unhappy you really are but you.
Good luck.

Hi K.. I am sorry to hear you are so unhappy. Each partner should have veto power though, imho, when it comes to having children. "Who he is" is the children's father, and if he feels he cannot handle another child, then you need to accept that.
I suspect though that is not the real issue though. I urge you to get counselling together and explore your future as couple.

try to still talk to him, life being divorced with 2 kids won't be easy so try to fix the problem before going from one unhappy situation into another.

K.,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation although I do think some of the responders are being quite harsh, particularly the comments about you being a bored SAHM.It sounds to me like you resent the shift that happened between him desiring three children and now, perhaps, wanting to stop at two. I would be upset as well.

Perhaps, you need to get at the root of the problem. If it's money, then perhaps you can work something out (perhaps you can work part time to help pay for some of the bills).

I know my husband wants at least two more children (we have toddler twins) and I am open to it although we've had to work through some of my concerns (particularly $$). I do work fulltime and go to graduate school and the money I earn pays for anything that has to do with the children's immediate needs and saving for their college. My husband pays for everything else (i.e., house, car, etc.) This works for us and I feel more comfortable having additional children, in fact, we're adopting our next child. Good luck!

Hi K.:
didn't have time to go through all the responses so my apologies if this response is repetitive. I can understand the NEED to have another baby. I have two and feel like a hundred wouldn't be enough (well OK, that's an exaggeration). but even so, how do you know that a third child would satisfy your need? The worst thing you could do is force your husband into a parenting a child he doesn't want.

It sounds like you guys have really hit a wall. I can relate to that too in my marriage. It was on a different issue- money actually, but I could NOT believe he had a COMPLETELY different value system. I had dated him for 8 years, so thought i knew him. the adjustments we both had to make were MASSIVE. In short, neither of us got what we wanted. we had to compromise in order to stay together. I guess the big shock for me in that whole situation was the fact that I thought marriage meant you got what you wanted/needed. Sometimes, it really doesn't mean that, just the opposite in fact- huge shock.

I can assure you, you can move past this in your marriage and be a happy family again. If my husband I and did (note: it's a work in progress!) anyone can!

I understand your anger in your husband's reaction to having a third child but without communication with him, you won't know his true feelings about not wanting a third child. Right now it's a tug of war, how can he stop your dream of a third but how can you force him into a third. What's important here is that you do have 2 children already who are experiencing both of your negativity towards each other and it's unhealthy for them. Maybe he can agree to some counseling with you or maybe you can seek counseling on your own to deal with your anger and disappointment with your husband. If you still love him, it's worth finding out how you can keep your family together. I hope all goes well for you.

Hi K. --

Have you tried to sit him alone and figure what is the driving force behind his desire to stop having children and your desire to have another? There has to be one big reason why you have both stood your grounds. Is it because you really want a daughter? Is it because he's not sure if you can afford a third? Is it because your boys are older and you'd like to raise a baby one last time? Is it because he's sure he doesn't want to deal with the efforts of raising an infant again? OR, is there more to this than just another baby? Maybe there's something behind all of this? Whatever it is, is it worth breaking up the family? Are your sons better off seeing two happy but separated parents or parents who remained together? Just don't break down the communication. That never leads to anywhere good. Maybe if you had some significant alone time, you can work out what your true issues are. I wish you both good luck!

does your husband know how unhappy you are? Have you tried talking to him about it? If you are really not communicating have you tried marriage counseling or individual counseling if he isn't willing? If you have tried all these things then consider whether it is worth disrupting your 2 children for you to possibly be happier. Is it definitely your marriage that is the problem? I do find some aspects of being a SAHM very difficult and frustrating and that puts a bit of extra stress on our marriage.

He might be feeling the same. Lets not forget under the lack of communication and problems here, is a good man or you would not have married him and had babies.

I'm suggesting you consider couples therapy to try and save this marriage. It takes a lot of work but if your both willing at this point, it might be well worth it at the end....if not at least you know you've tried.

Sit him down, keep your cool, let him know how you've been feeling, and ask him if he'll go to weekly couples therapy with you. Listen to what he has to say about it and his feelings (((if he expresses them))) without getting defensive, keeping in mind your motive is only to get an answer to your question and then give him a chance (((a day or two)) to re-think it...and then ask him again. "Do you want to work with me in couples therapy to fix our relationship and marriage?"

If he says NO, then give yourself some time to think about it all. You yourself might want to talk to a professonal, a therapist to make sure of your own feelings about it all. You also might want to call a lawyer to find out what your rights are in terms of a divorce. You will then have much to think about in terms of how you want to move on. Divorce is a long hard process and moving on will be a hard adjustment but you do deserve to be happy. If you can't be happy in marriage with this man, you deserve to be free to find what you really want in life....him too...this works both ways.

Either way be sure your children are well protected...Either way this is not easy on them.

Good luck and keep us posted...

You're married to a hard worker, good provider, good father, have two children and at age 38 you're complaining. Wow! I wonder if you realize how good you have it. Hormones kick in as the eggs die off inside you and prompt a woman to want more children. It's hormones talking! No one "needs" children. It's a "want" not a necessity.

Get on the same page as your husband and start enjoying him instead of resenting him. If he's giving you excuses, try and see the validity of them instead of wanting your own way. Nobody's job is secure these days. The entire financial system is on the brink of collapse and soon there will be no social net. The last thing anyone needs these days is another mouth to feed. 38 is not a safe age to have babies. The risk of birth defects at this age is high and abortion can be very traumatic as is having a damaged baby. It's very sad for people to know they are leaving behind a mentally handicapped child who turns into an adult and must be institutionalized. While this may seem extreme it's reality so don't block it out.

I know what you mean i have been there before. Do what you feel is right for you and you kids.

K.
i think that you're husband does have a say in whether you have another child or not. Why would you want to have a child when you're already having problems in your marriage. Don't you think that's selfish? Also, your husband has a say because if he's financially providing for the family then it will be an added financial responsibility for him. As well as another child to devote his time and attention to and maybe he's being more realistic about the time he can afford to spend with another child.

As far as him being controlling and you not feeling like you're being validated....that's another issue. Perhaps is time to reevaluate you're relationship. You and your husband need to find a way to reconnect, if you're interested in maintaining your marriage otherwise you need to move on.

sometimes 11 -13 years of marriage makes everyone nervous. You should sit down and talk with your husband on neutral ground to see what else is bothering him then you should probably obtain counseling. You have many years together and children and hopefully you can work it out where both of you are happy.

About me - I am a grandmother but I have a business with Cultural Care AuPair bringing au pairs in for childcare so I hear many things in my work and I always feel it is best to try to sit down over a dinner out away from children and say how are we going to solve our problem - let's both talk together and perhaps counseling would be a good way to go.

It is worth a try but communicating is big and so hard at times.

I wish you well

K.

K., my suggestions will sound like cliches, but 1.) do you ever go out together just the 2 of you? I would suggest adding a date night once/week just to see if there still is love and affection and interest between the 2 of you - and 2.) therapy - it can actually be done relatively cheaply - i don't know where you live but we live in central nj and are part of summit medical group and they actually have couples therapy now - so it's the cost of a co-pay - or you can look for a therapist provider under your medical plan and it also would be a co-pay - right off the top those are 2 thiings I would start out with - good luck to you!

Marriage counseling or just counseling for yourself to help guide you in your decisions.
Work on it now before something happens that you can't overcome.

i can't say anything more than what mary said. i agree with her completely. two boys, 11 years of marriage under your belt is enough to make you want to fight to keep your marriage whole. and also, although, still echoing mary's words, if you do get a divorce, you will have to get a job and that will be tough on you, the boys, and the third child would still not be in the picture. i imagine dating scene for single girls is tough already, I imagine, for single moms with kids in tow would be even more difficult.
good luck

Hi K.,
If your marriage is unhappy to begin with, why would you consider having another child? I think you and your husband need to decide whether you want to continue in this marriage and if so, get some counselling and work on your relationship - a baby isn't going to make your relationship better and just means another child in a divorce/custody situation if your marriage does not work out. Also, you question why he should get to decide whether or not you have the third child - but there is no compromise here, it's either his way or your way - if you feel that he should not get to deprive you of a child you want, why should you get to decide that he has to have a child that he does not want? I really think you have much bigger issues that need attention than whether or not to have a baby. Good luck

I am married 12 years and have two children also.The difference is I decided 2 kids was enough for us.A couple of years ago I had the same feelings he is a great provider,father, and man but I just wasnt happy.I thank god I didnt make any moves that I had thought about.It ended up I was the problem.It was just something I was going threw.I decided to work on myself went to the doctor and got medicine to help me and I feel much better.I am now off my medicine and my marriage is great!Good luck I hope I have been able to help.

Hi K.,
I wanted to ask you: why do you want another child? instead of working on your marriage? Is having another child more important? DO you want to make your marriage better?
I would recommend going to see a personal counselor just to talk it out. That is what I did. My situation was a little different. I too have a lot of issue with my husband of 6 years and have 1 year old. Also I have just found out that I was pregnant again 10 weeks with an OOOOPS baby.
I have been going to see a counselor and she has been helping. She gives me a fresh look into my marriage, unbiased set of eyes and ears. Just go see someone for a couple of times... it may help.
You are certainly not alone in this kind of situation.

I.

K.,
I have not been in your situation, but after reading Lisa M.'s response, I think I have a good understanding. You say that it all started when you and he disputed having a third child. The lack of sex can definitely come from that. Then, no sex makes him feel less loved (and you less loved) and this leads to the lack of communication. So, let's go back to the beginning. You and your husband have to come to terms about having or not having another child. You both need to agree to the same decision, and then repeatedly affirm that the decision is final.

You might be able to do this on your own while someone else watches the kids -- have a serious discussion, one-on-one. Really listen to what he has to say, and repeat back to him what you heard him state, without putting any kind of judgement on his words. Then, ask him to do the same for you. After you have stated your side of the story, he should tell you what he heard, without judgement. Continue discussing and listening until you are sure that there is no way to agree, or until you do agree.

You might need a professional to guide you both in this discussion, and it may take a few tries before you both say everything that is on your minds. The important thing is to be considerate of each other's point of view.

Oh, and the Mars and Venus book comes on cassette or CD too. My husband enjoyed listening to it during his commutes to work. It helped us early on in our marriage. :-)
S.

There are 4 situations (2 happy, 2 unhappy)
1.) both want another,
2.) both don't want another,
3.) wife wants, or
4.) husband wants.

Only answer to 2 last (I think)...prayer.

You are a stay at home mom and say your husband is a hard worker and good provider and THEN wonder who HE is to dictate? I hate to sound harsh, but HE is the one paying for you and the kids, so I guess perhaps he has a right to say if he wants to support another mouth.
I think you are bored with your life and think a baby will fill the void. The only problem with that is baby's grow up and then you will be bored all over again. Try finding something to do to improve your days. Perhaps volunteer some place or take a class at the local college. Maybe even baby sit for an infant to get your baby 'fix.' Being a SAHM is very hard especially when the kids get older and dont need you as much. Instead of blaming your marriage, work to improve yourself and your marriage. Now I dont mean there is anything wrong with you, just that you are stagnated, in a rut and need something to be excited about. Then you will have something to talk about and be happy about.

I can honestly sympathize with you. Two things that can bring comfort when you are down is to remember it could be worse and you have the power to change your situation!
My husband has decided he does not want to have a second child. (I have always wanted 3) You have two already. Your children each have a sibling. Take comfort in that. Find ways to enjoy having just two. He changed his mind once, he could change it again. If you want him to accept your feelings about it, you need to accept his as well.
As far as the lack of communication/sex goes, that is about falling into a pattern. It will take work to break free from it, but it will be worth it to keep your family together. Your marriage can improve! Talk to each other. It's so hard to be honest and respectful when you are feeling hurt. It will pay off in time. Get professional help if you can. Good luck!