I Really Want Another Baby... Hubby Really Doesn't...

You are welcome to borrow both of mine any Friday night or when they are misbehaving.

We thought we might have three. We now have a 5 year old and an infant. Both my husband and I know I couldn't handle another pregnancy or another child.

I would find it really wearing if he kept pressing for one when I feel tapped out with the ones we have.

Best
F. B.

"Hey mommy, tell me the story about me being born."
"Well, Junior, I told daddy I would do all the work taking care of you and quit drinking soda and leave him, and he gave in. Isn't that a happy story!"

Sorry, but when one person wants a baby (or another baby) and the other doesn't, the "No" vote wins by default.
A baby is not a reward for quitting a bad habit. Nor is it a hamster that you can say you will take care of and the other person won't have to.
Please do not bring a little person into a home where it is not wanted by BOTH of its parents.

The age old response is that if BOTH parents to be are not on board with having another child, then you don't do it.

You say you can afford it but he doesn't want to spend the $$. That's pretty rude because he is spending money taking care of the children and wife he has. If he's a good provider, he's already sacrificing so you can have a good life, so you are set up for retirement and so you have college education funds set up for the 2 children you already have.

You admit to issues with the children you have and with yourself. Why not work on your children and yourself to build your family stronger vs spending your time wishing and wanting another child. Use those feelings positively to work on what you already have.

Add another child to the mix, you add a lot of expenses... College on top of your retirement, not to mention if there are medical issues with another child.

Any man who provides whole heartedly for his family is under stress to keep things going financially and to maintain stability and the lifestyle you are accustomed to.

I beg you not to trap your husband with an unplanned pregnancy as far as he is concerned but you know what you did. That will cause deep resentments and can possibly destroy your marriage. Are you ready for that?

You need to seek counseling on being a couple, being good parents to the children you have and develop better communication skills.

Having a baby is not about bargining with your spouse. Stop playing games.

Think about what you will lose and most importantly what your children will lose if you can't come to terms with reality.

Is it really worth destroying your family because of something YOU want?

Baby fever can be very strong. It's hormonal, and I get it. I went through it for several years myself. But ultimately I realized wanting another baby is not the same thing as wanting another child.
Babies are only babies for a few years. Your kids are so young you have NO idea what's to come. You think it's going to get easier when they get older don't you? It does not, it gets harder, more expensive and your marriage will be challenged in ways you never knew.
It's time to grow up and realize you can't always have everything you want. Nurture your marriage and be grateful that your husband actually knows his limits. You owe that to your two children. I mean really, what are you going to do, leave their father and break up your home because you want more than you already have?

In my experience. My baby #1 EVERYONE helped. My baby #2 1/2 of that everyone helped. My baby 3 NOBODY really volunteered to help (even when I would ask because 3 is overwhelming they were busy.) I feel bad for your hubby. Two kids, a dog, dad & mom together--THAT'S BEAUTIFUL!! Your glass is more than half full! BE CAREFUL!!!!!!

So you marginalize his feels to justify yours? No. Please stop. He is telling you how HE feels. You need to listen. He is worried about his age, money and health. Please do NOT minimize his feelings. His are just as important as yours.

I never had the feeling of wanting more kids, my husband did. I was done. While I knew he was disappointed, I just couldn't handle a third child. That is what your husband is telling YOU. He can't handle it. No matter how many bargains you strike, no matter how many deals you make, he will resent you. He doesn't want anymore kids. PLEASE turn your attention to what you have and not dwell on what you don't have. Life is just too damn short.

I kind of felt the same as 2kidmama - you and he had an agreement to have 3 kids (up from his 1-2, down from your 5). BUT, it's not really a fair "contract" in many ways, but neither of you knew what parenting would be like, and sometimes a "deal" like that is made in the early stages of a relationship before anyone really experiences it all. (After all, everyone promises to love/honor/cherish till death do us part, but they break that vow when the realities of marriage confront them or when other things happen that are deal-breakers. So sometimes new "information" or factors arise that make an agreement worthy of renegotiation.)

You both have valid points. Your feelings matter. So do his. What concerns me is that you have devolved into bargaining with things like soda and diapers - and that's just not responsible parenting or a wise choice for a relationship. You don't "trade" for a child, either of you. You will both have resentment - you with the diapers and laundry and late night feedings (when you will be even more exhausted because you already have 2 kids), and he with the financial responsibility and perhaps the worry about whether you will be okay.

The fact that you two can't reach an agreement or even discuss it effectively is my concern. So couples counseling is critical. This will come between you if you don't work it out. And if it's not this, it will be the next major decision. It sounds like you don't really know all of his reasons/feelings, and he doesn't know all of yours.

Please stop the bargaining over soda and talk to an objective professional.

I am sorry you're disappointed by your husband's response that he's done having children. I understand your desire to have another and your feelings around the agreement you made about having 3.

Please realize he's being honest about his ability to parent. He's not on board for several reasons. To force that would be detrimental to your relationship and change the environment of your home. The two kids you have now deserve to live in a peaceful and harmonious atmosphere.

I agree with others that counseling might help for each of you to see each other's points without it being a battle. There is room for a lot of resentment here on both sides. Please guard against that.

I've copy pasted part of my response from another poster who asked a similar question.

It's hard to let go of an ideal you've convinced yourself you need to be happy. Personally, I think it's a way to rob ourselves of being grateful for what we have. Writing down what I'm grateful for helps.

I knew I wanted children and I would be finished having them by 30. My life is much different. 5 miscarriages later and knowing my chances of having kids was slim, I got pregnant at 36. I welcomed another at 40. Both were high risk pregnancies and I know how blessed I am. I am grateful every day to have the opportunity to parent my kids. Because of the lost hope I experienced and almost losing my daughter while pregnant, I think I have a different perspective. I would've loved to have had more children. The risk of my health and not being able to take care of the ones I had made it easy for me to be content and with my two. There are times I still can't believe I've been given the privilege of being a mom. Even in the midst of my teen daughter rolling her eyes at me. 😊

Contentment is a powerful choice. I believe a lot of unhappiness could be solved if we recognize how truly blessed we are. Please talk to someone to help you through your feelings of anger.

Best to you!

I suggest marriage counseling. Why?
I see you invalidating all his reasons. He's older and not sure he has the energy/doesn't want to pay for retirement and college at the same time - valid. Money isn't unlimited. Even if you think you can afford it, another baby undoubtedly means giving something else up - valid. You can't guarantee another easy baby, your 3rd could be another high energy one - valid. You can't guarantee a healthy baby - valid.

I am not saying that your feelings are wrong. Your feelings are also valid. But I don't think you are going to get anywhere by either dismissing his feelings or arguing with his reasons. They are just as real as your feelings and reasons are.

This is why I suggest counseling. You are both so entrenched that you may need helping really understanding how important this is to each other.

If your husband really doesn't want another though, even after really listening to each other, then you need to focus on your cup half full, and not obsess over the cup half empty.

ETA: I write this as someone who always always wanted 3 kids. Then I had #2 and changed my mind. I know there is just no way I could handle 3. So I can understand why your DH might change his mind - promises about number of kids that are made before a person has kids are very naive. The person has no idea what they are committing to. Thank goodness my husband did not resent it when I changed my mind.

I remember having this conversation with my husband. Although I never got to the "wheel and deal" like you have. He KNEW I wanted 3 and he wanted like 10! Well...after the second he decided he was done. He was worried about finances, being "older" (and we are not old!), and having a healthy baby and healthy me.
When my 2nd was about 2 I really sat down with him and talked about it. I let him know that I was sad that he was closing the door on the third. THat when I had been getting up and cuddling with my son, when I had nursed, when I had smelled his head...that I was NOT doing that knowing that he was my last. That my arms ached for another, that my family wasn't complete.
He still didn't want another.
HOWEVER...we decided that we would not talk again about another baby for a year. After a year we would revisit the conversation.
So...exactly a year later I sat him down and we talked about it.
He still said no.
A year later we talked about it.
He still said no.
Then two months after that he said, "lets go ahead and try for that last baby." I laughed, cried, and got pregnant that night. Crazy, I know.
Your children are still very young and it is overwhelming to think of having 3 kids under 6. Give your husband time. Don't come at him as if you are trying to make a deal. Come to him with your heart, your true emotions. Be honest about why you want this third. And then listen to him. Actively listen. Don't just try and "win", try to understand.
Good luck,
L.

From the sounds of it, your marriage would not survive a third child at this point.

I would encourage you to see a couples counselor for the issues which are already causing you disharmony. You don't seem to consider your husband's reasons as valid, and view them only as excuses. He seems to be looking at long term goals: financial security, having some more peace as the children grow.... and you ridicule these very thoughtful, legitimate reasons.This is not characteristic of a strong relationship-- it is, however, an indication that you have become resentful and are putting the idea of a baby in front of your union with your husband. That *has* to come first or the whole thing falls apart.

Even as you acknowledge his very realistic fears, you seem to brush them off. To suggest leaving him to go have a *maybe* baby with another person? That seems drastic and very controlling--- and extremely foolish. You would be putting your family through dissolution and hell because you want a third child. I know, personally, how badly one can want a baby. Believe me, I KNOW. Please, talk to a therapist or counselor, try to focus on what you do have, which is two good kids and a man who has given you two babies and wants to look after your collective future.

Sometimes in life, our promised plans just don't work out. I don't know what to tell you. It's obvious that this is hurting you and very painful for you. Please find someone to talk with that can hear you. The more you press your husband, the more he's going to feel angry and guilty--- angry that you won't take no for an answer and guilty that he can't give you what you want. He'll push away if this happens. Please try to create a space where he can approach you. You want him to take your wishes seriously, so you must also do the same with his misgivings. A counselor is necessary. Good luck.

I totally get the fear thing. You are so lucky things have worked out with your preemie but everyone is not so lucky. Health of a child is also not guaranteed. I really can understand how he could have changed his mind. Volunteering to change all diaper ssems ridiculous to me. How would you not become bitter if your husband never ended up bonding with your child?
I know it is not what you want to hear, but if he says no the answer is no. For what it is worth, if your husband wanted another and you didn't I would still be saying don't have another. Both parents need to want to have a child to make things work IMO.

Really? You think a promise to change all the diapers and stop drinking soda pop should be as important as having enough time, energy, and money?

You abd your husband are definitely not on the same page. You want what you want now. You belittle your husband's concerns about the future of your family.

I suggest you learn about the future and financial planning before talking about another baby. Then make a list, by age, of your children's emotional, educational, and physical needs now and as they get older. Are you AND their father able to provide for those needs. Are you,saving for their college/training after high school? Are you putting enough away enough money for your own retirement? I have a good retirement plan, SS, and investments. I wish I'd planned better. The 3 incomes does provide me with a comfortable retirement and still not enough to do some things I want now. Prices keep going up but my retirement money is not able to keep up.

I suggest that once you take his reasons seriously and work together to plan for the future he will be more willing to listen to you.

I suggest you take a financial planning class and/or talk with a financial planner so you can accept your husbands concerns. Do you work from a budget? Are you putting money away for your children's education? Money for unplanned medical expenses. Do you have a separate savings to live on in case of illness, job loss, or catastrophe?

I suggest you list your emotional, educational, physical needs for your children. What are you and your husband's needs as the children grow so that you can be supportive with each other and your children.

Seems to me you're totally focused on what you think you need and haven't considered the big picture. You trivialized.you husband's concerns. The two of you are polarized when you need to work together. Of course you don't plan to leave your marriage. I suggest that if you continue to bully him into agreeing to a third child, your marriage is at risk.

I urge you to get counseling for help in working this out. I also urge to get financial counseling to show your husband you do care about him and his reasons for not wanting a third child.

BTW. How do you know there is enough money? How do you know your husband has enough physical and emotional reserve to care for 3 children? Do both of you have time and energy left over at the end of the day?

I started this post and the gods that be ate it. So here is my second attempt to respond to this post.

As an older woman who wanted a third child, When we arrived at our overseas duty stations, I asked my husband if we were going to have another baby and he said no. I felt bad but did get over it. Later after a TDY to another country hubby decided he wanted to have another child (6 years had passed). I had many reservations about starting over again and considered where my children were with development and what they were doing in sports and such. We could take trips and see things that meant something to them and not in the pictures that they were there -- they had real tangible memories they could share with friends. I had a job I loved sewing stripes and patches on uniforms and alterations that was thriving. We got orders to come back to the states as it turned out and we never did have baby 3. In some ways it was best that that baby was not born as our relationship was a bit strained when we came back stateside to adjustments in the country after being outside the country for eight years. The world situation had begun to change and is still continuing to do so to this day and that was 25 years ago.

Are your friends going to help you raise baby #3? No, I don't think so. Can you provide for three children on a divorced persons income and that includes college?

There are many of us on here that wanted baby #3 or 4 or 5 and some regret the changes that happened in how the household worked and who did what. The time it takes to commit to caring for another child properly while caring for the children you have can be resented by the other ones knowing that "this" child was the one that mommy wanted over us.

Life is a journey and you have two beautiful children that are loved by their father and he only wants the best for them. What ever you do, please do not pregnant as it could cause more harm than you can imagine..

Your husband is at different stage of life where he might be thinking of retirement and college tuition and how is he going to pay for the two let alone a third. Men think about things differently than women and you two have to get on the same page.

You need to learn to be happy with what you have. You can't grieve for something you don't have. Enjoy what you do have. Remember the future is not guaranteed to any of us.

the other S.

Almost this exact question was asked just 3 days ago and that poster (although walked off in a huff) got a lot of good responses. Review them as they pertain to your situation as well regarding Hubby not wanting more kids and the poster did want another.

Bargaining for another child? Not very mature . . . Is this worth losing your marriage over? I get that you “agreed” on 3, but no one can be held to an agreement like that. What if you would have said after your first pregnancy “nope, I’m never doing that again.” Should your husband have been able to “badger” you into another child? Would he have?

It sounds like your husband has valid concerns regarding his age and the additional risks that may come along with another child (as well as the additional expenses). If both parents are not on board with planning another pregnancy, what would that do to the other children in the home, or the child once it is born. I am sure you are thinking “once the baby is here, he will love it just like the other ones.” Don’t count on it . . .

Good luck.

If you're both not on board for having another child, then it's a no go.
I wouldn't 'accidentally' get pregnant either.
You're husband's older and ready to be done with the baby phase.
He wants to raise the kids you have and save for college and retirement and maybe be able to help pay for the kids weddings without going bankrupt.
Two is a great number - the kids don't out number the adults!
You need to start picturing what your life will be like after kids are raised and gone.
It doesn't matter that your friends are having babies - it's the "well everybody else is doing it" argument - and that holds no water in our house.
While they are having another set of stretch marks, and feeding 'just one more mouth', you might be able to send them post cards from the Bahamas - cause you'll be able to afford to go.
There are plenty of plus sides to this if you are open to thinking it through!

I was once in your shoes, I really wanted number 3 and hubby did not. I agree with others who have said in this case the "no" wins. I still had the desire off and on for a few years, but once my children got older and the age gap would be wider and wider the feelings faded. Now that my baby is 10 I am actually glad I don't have another younger one, and the fact that I would be starting all over at this point has killed the desire to have another now. My two boys are so amazing, they are all I need.

I understand that you "agreed" to 3 before but that is not something one can fairly agree to when they have not experienced what it is like, and how expensive it is, to actually have children. He did not lie to you back then, his position just changed once he saw the reality of the situation, that often happens when we try to decide about things we have no actual experience with.

we wanted 4. We have 2. Not for lack of trying. I had 3 miscarriages.BOTH of my children were born preemies - one 6 weeks after THREE MONTHS of bed rest and one 4 weeks early with pneumonia and he FLAT LINED ON ME.

If your husband is NOT on board and you become pregnant? The trust will be broken. And once it's broken, you can't get it back. Your "justification" giving up soda - sorry - it's lame. Your husband has VALID reasons for not wanting more kids.

You've tried compromising. He is standing firm. You are standing firm. You are at an impasse. You want a baby just because you WANT another baby?? Yes. You agreed to 3. However, he's done.

If I were you? I'd go over to my friends house and get my baby love in. I'd respect my husband enough to NOT do something stupid and get pregnant.

Your husband is done. That's it. Put back all the diaper and formula money that you would be spending for another baby into a vacation fund, and go on some nice vacations for you and your family that are child oriented. If your husband balks, tell him that you get these vacations because he wouldn't spend the money for another baby that you both had earlier agreed on. He'll shut his mouth and your family will have a nice vacation.

I'm not saying vacations are better than a baby. But you'll be enjoying the children you already have and getting a break from real life too.

Life is like a box chocolates, you never know what you are going to get. Wisely, I listened to my husband when he wanted to stop at 2. Now that they are in high school, I am happy to only have 2 kids to carpool everywhere. Yes, 3 would have been great BUT 2 has been busy enough.

Think about it this way:
What happens when you have 3 kids with 3 different activities to attend on the same day? Which kid get the shaft? How do you fairly pick who to watch?
Do you have friends who you can count on for carpools? Is he available to help with the driving or will it be all you?Do you have school buses for the kids? (we are responsible for all school driving)

I am sure there are many more questions to be considered. Kids are great and I would have loved to have 3. Now that both are in high school, I am glad my husband was wiser than me.

I do not have any answer for you. Perhaps seek out some counseling for yourself and see if that helps. But you can't have a baby by yourself. Meaning, if he doesn't agree, don't make it happen without his ok, by not using protection "accidentally" or whatever sneaky means might occur to you. Perhaps you can go into marriage counseling together to figure this out. But forcing another child when he absolutely does NOT want one may tear your marriage apart. You probably feel like not having another (since he agreed in advance to that) is tearing your marriage apart as a breech of trust between you. Which is why I suggest counseling.

Things change. What if you had had an emergency situation with your first child and lost the ability to have any more children? Would you have felt like your husband was justified in being unhappy that you didn't give him the two he planned on? Or if he wanted to leave you and tear your child's life apart by divorce so he could find someone else to give him another child?

Obviously, going into the marriage, you both recognized that this was an issue you were *both* compromising on. And you were ok with compromise at that time. If you leave your husband over this, how does that impact the children you already have? Is this desire of yours so impossible to mitigate that you would tear your children's family apart? Who's to say that after a third, you wouldn't still feel that desire for a 4th, and then go through this again, considering leaving your husband if he won't give in and have a 4th? or a 5th? The fact that you agreed to having 3 (and not more) won't make these desires of yours disappear any more than his agreeing to 3 affects his feelings at this time that he isn't prepared/doesn't want more than the 2 you have.

Pleas seek counseling. Individually, and possibly jointly. There is not a simple answer.

Before we were married my husband and I thought we wanted 4 kids. Even after our second son was born we still thought we wanted a 3rd. The reality of having kids can sometimes change your mind.

Raising children is so much more work than we realized. Everyone says that, but it's really hard to know what that means until you're in the thick of it.

Our sons are about 2 1/2 years apart. When you start thinking about waiting a year to a year and a half to try and get pregnant again and then waiting another 9 months to have the baby and then adding 18 years to get them through high school (not to mention college), the reality of time can really have an impact.

I can't relate to what you are feeling, but I can absolutely relate to what your husband is saying. It could be that I'm older as well. I had my first child at 34 and my second at 37. The idea of having another one is simply exhausting.

I can't give you advise on how to work through your feelings, but I do hope you can try to understand your husband more. He might have really thought he would be ok with 3 kids and knows now that he just can't do it. People sometimes change their minds, and this is one situation where you do not want to force him into something he doesn't want. If you were to become pregnant, there is a very real possibility that that would have terrible, negative impacts on your marriage. You don't want to do something that could cause him to resent you.

If he says he's done, you are done. The only alternative is to have a baby with someone else. Your husband is done, and you need to find a way to make peace with that.

If I could have another baby I would. But then I remember they turn 2. And then I look at the expenses and time my 9, 10, and 12 year old take. I also remember my sisters are still having babies so I get to snuggle little ones and not deal with all of the craziness that comes with new babies.

I'm sorry the plans changed, but it is what it is. I wouldn't be happy about it at all, but if he isn't on board, then it's a no go. I suggest a very serious conversation with him about it, let him know how important it is to you and what you feel like you'll be missing without another one. Make sure you are both fully aware of the other's feelings and move on.

Do you respect your husband?
Do you want him to trust you?
Are your desires more important than his?
This is a partnership. It won't work if you both can't agree, trust and compromise.

Tyler and I wanted lots of kids. We have 4 boys. They are each 2 years apart. It really wasn't planned that way. That's just how it happened. Do I want more? No. Neither does he. At one point, a few years back, the boys were wanting a baby sister and that got me to thinking.....MAYBE one more...then I saw friends who have kids that are 5+ years apart and saw all the freedom they had...no more diapers...no more late nights....and that cured me.

When I need my baby-fix? I go to my friends who just had babies and then I'm good!!

If you respect your husband? You will respect his wishes.
If you want him to trust you? You will not get pregnant "by accident".
If you believe that your desires are more important than his? You shouldn't be married.
I'm sorry but your bargaining sucks. I'm not trying to be mean. Really. "soda sober"?? that sounds like something a 19 year old would say. Please, if you are serious about having another baby? Get a plan in place and tell him how you can afford it, what will change in your lives and discuss it. Do NOT stop using birth control until he is on board. And if he is NOT on board? I would respect his wishes.

Hi V.,

To me this question boils down to this:::do you want another baby because you're a baby person? Or do you want another child because you feel your family is incomplete without a 3rd child?

My sister's marriage ended because she had a second child after they had agreed to only one but she missed having a baby in the house so much that she went ahead and got pregnant again. Now it's not like he didn't understand how this whole thing worked and he was a willing participant but he divorced her all the same.

I'm not trying to scare you or be at all disrespectful. Some people are just simply baby people. They love their kids as they grow but they also crave all that goes with having a baby in the house. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm saying that you need to think and soul search very carefully and decide what your priorities are and if you really want to risk a marriage and a currently stable household/family by insisting on expanding your family for any other reason than to bring another life into the world that will bring you joy but also much increased responsibility.

S.

you need to express this with your hubby. have him read this post, talk it over with him. remind him that he originally agreed to 3. i battled the baby fever for a few years, my baby is about to turn 4 and my brain hit the they can feed and wipe so why would i want a diaper wearing babe that needs to be fed? i think i got to the point where i am with hubbs on this, no more kids for me. as my kids get older i get things i love back (like a little more sleep) and things like cleaning i actually get help with so i am grateful for my 2 kids, and i doubt that a 3rd will do anything but cause more stress. its also nice for excursions, the parent to kid ratio is even and no one gets left out.

I think the I will do all the late night feedings and diapers etc. is a bit unrealistic. You'll be tired with your older kids and will want help. You're older and busier. Also, he'll be busier with the older kids keeping them occupied while you tend to a baby. So it still will affect him. And if he's not on board, he will be resentful.

I'm an older mom and it does get harder the older you are. Your husband may feel he doesn't have enough energy or interest to do this all over again. You should respect that. No one likes to be a so-so parent. Maybe he feels he just has enough time and energy for the 2 he already has.

I'd wait and see if he changes his mind. Maybe your position will change too in a year. Not something to take lightly or to rush into - time will tell :)

I have mixed feelings about this one...
One part of me wants to tell you if your husband does not want another child then I think you should learn to live with having two kids and learn to be happy about that. That your baby hormones will subside at one point and hopefully you will become at peace with having only two kids. After all, he has to WANT this third child. That is extremely important! But on the other hand you wanted 5 and your husband wanted 1 to 2. So the compromise was 3. That is a perfect compromise. He is going back on his word to you. This would make me feel like my husband is being selfish and that since I wanted 5 kids that three is a compromise for me too...and I would start feeling pissed at him. So...in the end my final advice is I think you should do couples counseling. Even if you don't feel pissed now you might grow to really resent him if you don't work this out.

Tell him you wanted 5 and the agreement was 3. That if he's not going to even consider the 3rd child that perhaps marriage counseling will help you figure out what you want to do with your future.

If you want a 3rd child then you should have that opportunity. If he only wants 2 he shouldn't have to fight with you about that missing child.

I'd say you guys will not get past this without some outside intervention that can help both of you see the other's side and have some sort of final compromise.

**************************ETA**********************

On a personal note, I'd feel extremely betrayed. He said all along that he only wanted one or two, got what he wanted, didn't he? Then he's done. So what? He's not the only person in the marriage. What if he'd said he was done after #1? You wouldn't have your daughter.

He is part of your marriage but I'd feel betrayed and angry and resentful. You had an agreement and now that he has what he wanted too bad that you didn't get what you were promised.

I think counseling is the only way you are going to come to terms with him betraying you, even before you married, and that he is taking away something that he promised you.

He hasn't had an "accident" that damaged the family jewels, he hasn't become impotent, he hasn't had it snipped and clipped, he's fully functioning and has decided for himself AND for you that you don't get what he agreed to and promised before you married him.

Yeah, I'd be angry and pissed and going to counseling and working it out is the ONLY way I'd stay with a man that thought this way.