Unhappy Daughter

Maybe you need to consider it.

If his schedule is more flexible & she would get more attention just from her dad, it sound like a good thing. Right?

Is there a reason other than you would miss her that you are hesitant ?
Are there other kids, a girlfriend, people around you don't trust? Otherwise think long and hard what would be best for her.
So sorry.

Set up a counseling appointment for the both of you and go from there. Remember , it is not the end of the world if she truly wants to live with her dad. Have her father read the book "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters". Girls really really need their daddy's.

Bottom line: You and her dad need to sit down together and have an adult conversation. Do what is best for your daughter. If you really aren't able to parent her effectively because you are overworked, one of two things should happen: Either she goes to stay with her dad, or you get a different schedule so you can be more involved in your children's lives.

I know it's hard to deal with now, and perhaps money is tight, but you really should re-evaluate your situation. You can always go and get a better or different job...but you CAN'T get your kids' childhoods back. Don't be looking back 20 years from now with regrets because you spent all of your time behind a desk.

ETA: Also, you've been living with your BF for three years? When are you getting married? Part of being a family is teaching our children about relationships. What are you teaching your daughter about relationships with men? I'll give you a hint...it starts with "why buy the cow..."

If you're going to stay with this man and be a good example to your daughter about how men should treat women, you need to start discussing real commitment. Just my very humble opinion.

ETA2: Also, to those saying that the problem is "the BF isn't family" or something to that affect...it doesn't matter. The fact that he's not a blood relation is not relevant if everyone in the family treats him like blood. Ask any adopted child; blood might be thicker than water, but LOVE is thicker than blood. ACCEPTANCE and LOVE is what makes REAL family.

Blended families are hard. And you don't just become family by moving in together. Until J. marries her BF, he's not REAL family because he hasn't been accepted as real family. She might love him, but she hasn't accepted him (or perhaps he hasn't accepted her).

Laurie is right in that J.'s daughter doesn't feel ties with anyone in the house because this man hasn't been formally accepted. He's just a live-in boyfriend that J. doesn't want to be formally commited to, or vice a versa. Make it formal. Make him family. Focus on how to change the dynamic, and I'll bet (along with the schedule changes) that things will improve.

Your daughter needs her mother. Unless you can make time for her, then I think she needs to be somewhere where a parent can emotionally fill her needs.

The changes you need to make: Find a way to be around. Make her a priority. Right now, she knows where she's at on your list...and it's not very close to the top.

I don't mean that to sound harsh.

What is the situation like at her dad's? It sounds like, just from the surface of what you wrote, that she has been rather lost in the shuffle in your home. Maybe she feels like she is not a priority with you. She is 8, and you don't get home some nights until 8. Do you see her before she goes to bed?

Frankly, it is not a surprise to me that she is struggling in school. I'd be more surprised if you said she was a straight A kid and did great at school. Look at all the major changes that have occurred in her life in the past few years... (divorce; just living with mom; instant new siblings; new male figure running the household, new baby sibling...and she is in 3rd grade I presume? Third grade is a BIG transition time in school, academically speaking.)
I don't know the solution, but perhaps it might be a kindness to your daughter if she were to spend some time living with Dad? Do you have a good parenting relationship with him? Would your daughter get more personal hand's on time with her Dad than she is getting with you?
Obviously, I can't answer any of those questions... and of course you want to keep your daughter living with you. Who wouldn't, right? Maybe it would help you sort it out if you try to set your own personal feelings aside and look at it from the perspective of "what's best for my daughter?"...
I feel for you, but I feel for her, too. :/

I think she should go to her dads for now. You only see her after 8pm anyways, until then, she is in a crowded house with a bunch of new people in her life, and when you are home, you are too tired to help her with homework and give her the one on one attention she deserves. It sounds like a miserable situation for her and the stress is even making her suffer in school.

So, either find a way to do that by reducing your hours at work and being there for her, which I think will be better for both of you, or let her stay more with her dad since I'm assuming he will be able to give her more attention. You should also notify her school counselors on the situation since she is having a hard time with it at school.

And everything else Christy Lee said.

Would it be possible to share custody for the summer? That way she'll get the individual attention that she craves but still be a part of your family. To me, it does sound like she needs more attention from you. It also sounds like she spends most of her time with your boyfriend. I suggest it might be better for her to have more time with her father.

It doesn't sound like her father is saying she should live with him now. He's telling you there is a problem and offering to work it out. Perhaps you can make some changes now that you know she's unhappy.

I would tell him that you need some time to think this over and perhaps set up an appointment to get together to talk in person in a week or two.

It sounds like her dad is in a place in his life where he can spend more quality time with her than you. It may be in her best interest to let her live with her dad for a while.

ETA: Reading your update was helpful. There was a LOT of info left out of the initial post. I like how you approached the issue, talked with your daughter, and are assessing ways to spend more time with her. Given the dad's propensity to give her grief about her weight (and then treat her differently from his other kids) would make me think twice about sending her to live with him. From the original post, I assumed her dad was single (or at least didn't have other kiddos) and was a reasonable and sensitive dude. Maybe not.

Step 1 get a grip on yourself. An eight year old in my world does not get to make that kind of decision. Of course she wants to live with Dad, she thinks there will be no rules and the grass is always greener on the other side.

I'm old fashioned so there would be no living with a boyfriend without marriage on the table.

You have to determine what is in the best interest of your little girl and do just that. It may mean that you will have to turn her over to her father to raise for now. Remember this isn't about you. It is about what is best for her. Currently it sounds like she is having a hard time dealing with the living arrangements. She is only eight and it is much to go from an only child to having siblings that aren't related to you by blood and having this man who put on his best face to befriend you while he dated your mom to now playing to role of disciplinary and he's not your dad, he's their dad.

I would suggest some family counseling but ultimately you must do what is best for her as a mom and her advocate which again has nothing to do with your feelings.

One of the main problems is your boyfriend is not related to her..

And so his tone and his treatment of her has a different message to it, than if he was her stepdad.

Make sure you understand this. The others are all in some way connected to him.. except for your daughter.

I agree, that right now you really are not getting a chance to spend enough time with her and I bet she is lonely in a house without connection.

New babies take up a lot of time. So already home right before she goes to bed.. and you being torn taking care of baby, boyfriend.. she is a bit pushed aside.

Maybe let her go with her dad if he is going to be able to spend more quality time with her.

Make the best choice for your daughter at this time.. If her grades are slipping.. there is something serious going on.. Make sure her teachers are also aware. And do consider some counseling for her.

I know what I'm going to say, you aren't going to want to hear, but here goes.

It doesn't sound like you have much time for her. I would imagine that by 8:00 she is almost ready to go to bed. She is struggling in school, but you aren't there to help her. Who is helping her? No wonder she doesn't want to do homework - she needs help! I would imagine that she is feeling like an outsider in what is supposed to be her own home. You aren't there enough to make her feel like this is HER home and HER family. She feels like a tag-along to your bf's family.

All little girls are in love with their fathers - it's the way it is. That's why it is so important to have a father in a girl's life. If she doesn't have that father figure to love, she will find one and that's not good!

Let your daughter go. Your relationship with her will be better. If you don't, she will resent you because you are making HER stay there when YOU'RE hardly ever there.

I really think that you should let her go and do everything in your power NOT to make her feel like she has betrayed you or broken your heart. Do not cry or whine in front of her over this. Tell her that you love her and you will miss her terribly, but if she really wants to go, you won't stop her and that the door is always open and you hope that she decides to come back.

You admit that there are days you don't come home until 8pm. Who is telling you that the only reason she's upset with your boyfriend is because he enforces the rules? How do you know that he's not screaming at her when you're not around? (I'm not saying he is, but if you're not there then you don't know.)

If you want to keep her in your house, then get home earlier. Spend some alone time with her. When my husband and I got married, we were in the same boat. He was a single father of two; I was a single mother of one; we had one together. I had to spend some extra alone time with my daughter at first (and he with his two) in order to get the kids accustomed to being a family. After 10 years, we haven't had many issues with the kids not feeling comfortable here at our house.

If she still feels sad and lonely at your house, then let her spend some time at her dad's over the summer. I'm not saying that she should move in for good, but maybe instead of the normal two weeks over the summer (assuming that's what your court order says) then let her stay for four weeks. Just make sure you in those extra two weeks you get weekend visitation, just like he would. And when you have her, don't work, don't act like everything else is more important. Show her how much you missed her. Be the cool, fun mom.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I can't imagine one of my kids looking at me and saying they're unhappy and want to live somewhere else. I hope you're able to find a happy resolution for all.

She is young. 8 years old. She is, saying what is making her unhappy and what she needs. This... needs to be listened to. Greatly.

She needs more than you are able to give her... of yourself and per bonding time with just her.
She is now, in a home with your boyfriend and other kids.
She feels lost.
Don't make her feel "wrong" or selfish. She is a little girl. Who needs more and she is cognizant enough, to know that, AND has expressed that.
Good for her.

I imagine, it is not wholly possible, to change your current household at all, in order to help your daughter feel better. There.
She does not feel, good there.
I feel sad for her.

And your Boyfriend is not her Dad.
She needs her Dad.
She expressed that, in her own 8 year old way.
And your Boyfriend, will not nurture her the way her Dad will.
She is also struggling in school.... and she needs help.

Your daughter, obviously feels all alone.
She is the only person in your household, who does not feel she belongs there.
She is 8 and needs more, for her well being.
Before, it dominoes more and gets worse, for her, emotionally and academically.

From 9-12 years old, she will also be a Tween. And she will need more.... and someone to rely on and a shoulder to rely on, for good or bad.
And someone who will understand, her.

*You asked what changes you need to do on your end to make the situation better. Well, you need to also ask your Daughter... what she needs to be happy.
Also, this is all affecting her school performance.
Someone needs to also talk to her Teacher, and see what areas she needs more help with. And getting a Tutor if need be. And why... is she struggling in school?

Me too....I'd be very unhappy in a home that you describe, with all rules and no Mommy around with all those dramatic and traumatic changes you list.

I would not allow a boyfriend, even if he's live-in, to take care of my very own daughter. I would see that as my sole responsibility and privilege. She has no biological bond to this guy you have dumped her dad for.

I know it must feel like you are losing her, that she is rejecting you. What can you do with your work schedule to make it more family friendly?

I like the recommendation of a trial joint custody over the summer. Is your Ex's place safe, secure and nearby?

Also, even though it is definitely early for this choice to come up, it will most assuredly be in your future anyhow. All daughters want to go and be with their Daddy's, especially by the early teen years. It is a normal phase of child hood development, to bond with the opposite sex parent.

You have a lot of family needs piled on your plate right now. And being that she is your first baby, it does feel like she's your baby girl still. I still feel that about my first baby who is 23 years old. But the reality is they grow up and they need their emotional cups filled up, and it doesn't sound like you have the time for her. Sorry.

What Christy Lee said, and look into family counseling, preferably with someone who has experiences with blended families. Her family situation is a tangle, she's approaching puberty, and she needs help to deal with her emotions. And be sure that the "mean" thing is about homework and trivial stuff and not something more "real". Better safe than sorry on that one.

Sounds like the big issue is that your young daughter has had some major changes. Of course she is unhappy, confused, and looking for some normalcy. What I would suggest is some counseling for her, so se can help deal with her loss ( of being your one and only) and see how it goes grime there.

I'm so sorry and that's so hard but maybe view it as a positive thing if her dad is involved and can step in. I can't imagine how you juggle a job that keeps you until 8pm some nights and a toddler and an 8 year old nevermind the other 2 children in the house. If you have to stay at this job, let her dad fill in some of the gaps. Married couples do that. I am pretty determined to be home during all non working hours and the exception I'll make is if our daughters are with their dad. He's a parent too. I think your daughter spending evenings and dinners with her father is way more beneficial than with your boyfriend and his kids - no slam on your boyfriend but him vs her dad if her dad is a good guy and involved father- dad wins hands down. Is there some kind of middle ground? ie: she goes to her dads after school/aftercare and you pick her up on the way home from work? There's only 1 of you and you can't give her enough attention in the current circumstances. So if those can't change, let her father step in. Otherwise, IMO, it's kind of selfish of you. You're forcing her to spend a ton of time with nonrelatives...

Hugs going out to you momma!

I'm only speaking as an outsider, I've never been in your shoes and I have no credentials behind my name.

I think it's hard for most mothers to let go of their babies. You of course need to sit down and talk with her, then you and her father make a decision together what's best for her. She's been living with you and your boyfriend, his kids and yours together, for 3 years, so it's not like your little girl is all new to this. She's probably is unhappy and her grades at school reflect it. I know this is probably not what you want to here, but I think you should let her go live with her father. The summer will not be as hard for her as the school year, so she may be more happy with him during the summer than when school starts. I think maybe half the summer she's with you, then the other half with her dad. Then start the school year with him.
You said you work full time until 8 PM, that means she only has 1 hour or so with you a night. You are spread thin, and I'm not faulting you at all. But look at this from her point of view, she can have her biological parent spend hours with her every day. She'll also get to see her own daddy will have rules about doing her homework too. Then your boyfriend can still be seen in a positive light than a negative one. I'm not saying he's a bad man either, I'm sure he's loving to her, but don't think of it as losing your daughter, look at it as you are giving the best to your daughter. It's not time to be selfish and keep her in this pattern when maybe it would be better for her to live with her daddy.
Hugs are going out, I couldn't imagine how you are feeling, but think what's best for her first.

I would suggest that you plan a special day with just her even if it means taking the day off work. Show her that you value her opinion and want to discuss her thoughts and feelings.
Talk about why she is unhappy and let her come up with some ideas to make things better where she is at right now. Some ideas may not be practical, but you can gently discuss them and let her see why they will not work.
She may come up with some good ideas too, but more importantly she will feel included and important again. Pro's and con's lists are really helpful at this age to keep things organized.

You may need to come to grips with the fact that she may need to try living with her dad for awhile to find her place. It will be unindurably hard, but it may be what she needs for now and it might strengthen your relationship in the long run.

Chin up and just focus on letting her know how much you care and things will work out.

I think that this should be taken as an opportunity to evaluate your household.

When my SD wanted to live with her mom, we sat down and considered various data. For example, she was doing well here in school, and socially, etc. The main reason she wanted to move was to see her mom more, so for us, the response was if BM wanted to go to court, she could, but we would rather she just take the visitation she was originally offered. Her mom is an "out of sight, out of mind" person so there wasn't any reason to move SD other than she thought she'd have more of her mom's time. Her mom works weird hours, so that really wasn't an option. DH considered the school SD would attend, the activities she would be in, the supervision she would have been under. He talked to SD pretty frankly about how he saw it (without bashing her mom). It came up again when BM divorced and SD wanted to keep her company but that was even worse. She didn't have a fixed address. Another conversation, and the matter dropped for good.

It may also be that the honeymoon is over and your daughter thinks the grass looks greener. Do you set up the rules or does he? Or do you present them jointly?

I suspect that there's a little of everything going on. She's had some BIG changes in the last couple of years and probably feels like she lost you in the process. Eight is like a mini adolescence. If she's moody, that can contribute.

You admit that you aren't always there when she needs help, she doesn't get a lot of mom time and she's struggling in school. I realize that in this economy most any job is one to keep, but maybe it's time to evaluate how much you work and the hours. Would it be better if you went in earlier and got home for dinner? Could you maybe bring work home to do after she's in bed? Can you work an alternative work schedule so that you work a little later for 9 days and are off on the 10th? What about weekends? Can you carve out time to go over her week, spend some time, etc.?

The other part is, what's it like at Dad's? Would there still be chores and homework? Something my SD did not consider is that life is different when you are somewhere every other weekend vs all week.

While I wouldn't just say, "Okay, here you go", I would sit down and really consider both sides. Friend's grandson moved with his dad in middle school and while it was HARD, for them, it was also right. The kid graduated HS with honors when he'd been failing before. He still spent all summers, every other holiday and other various breaks with his mom. Do hammer out a solution that keeps her in one school for the year. No getting to Dad's and in November saying she doesn't like it there, either.

I do think that it is good that he brought this up to you now. When SD was little, she was telling her friends good-bye, but BM had not spoken a word to DH. Just made SD promises we had to clean up. Much better to be in the open, however painful.

Hang in there.

She's eight. She doesn't get to make an adult decision.

And I think it's really, REALLY crummy of him to email you something like that instead of sitting down with you like an adult and discussing it with you face-to-face.

I think you should do that, sit down with him and talk about it, sooner rather than later. If it's a situation where she's "unhappy" because she thinks Dad will have less rules, well then that's just tough. But if she will truly have a better situation at Dad's, consider it. Think it through and be rational before having the conversation with Dad.

And, my heart goes out to you. I have an eight year old and I can't imagine hearing that. My heart just breaks for you. Remember that eight-year-olds are really very self-centered. She loves you, nothing can replace her mother, she needs you, and you WILL do what is right for her.

And I second, third & fourth what others said about marrying the boyfriend. (In an extremely non-judgmental way)

Thoughts, prayers & hugs-

N.

You need to find a quiet place and talk to your daughter. Find out from her what is the deal. I would say "honey, your daddy sent me an e-mail stating that you werent happy here and that you wanted to move in with him. Ask her to verbalize her feelings. You need to listen to her. One thing that struck me in your post was that she liked the boyfriend but now thinks he is mean. You kind of gloss over with the "he enfoces the rules of simply doing your homework and cleaning up your messes". Well, if she is doing her homework why is she struggling in school? Again, if you aren't there how do you know? You need to listen.

You need to cut back on your hours at work. You need to get home at a much more reasonable time. You need to help with homework. You are the mommy. Sorry that is in the job description!

After that discussion, I would let the ex know that at this time custody would not be changing and that you will be addressing any problems with your daughter.

Family therapy would also be wise at this time. If you don't address this now, you will be later on. Good luck!

Someone below mentioned you dumping her dad for this guy, I think they misread. I J. wanted to point that out before other people thought it was true and you got nasty pms=)
You need another posted question or an update with how much he sees her now. What his work schedule is like? Who he lives with? school changes....? there are a bunch of impt details left out.
If he has J. every other weekend I'd opt for split joint custody if hes within driving distance as well. I would think maybe if he has a more simple work week maybe he has her weekdays and you have her weekends. (fridays-monday mornings) then shed have more quality time with both of you. Theres no reason he shouldnt be ale to have more time with her if you don't get to see her.
I always told my ex that if either of us ever needed a 2nd job or had crazy hours the other would be able to opt to pick up the time she would be babysat, because afterall shes our kid. I don';t want to split custody with other people he knows, I want to share custody with him. We've kept this arrangement. Any time we need her babysat we first give the option to eachother. So IMO if you only get an hour split between her and the other kids maybe he should get more time with her until your schedule calms down? Also this should be a decision between you and her dad. I don;t think she should feel like she J. gets to change homes whenever something bothers her. If you did this teen years would be horrible.
added: as far as the mean thing goes, my daughter does the same with my boyfriend. She loves him to death but he also is able to put her in time out or tell her no if hes watching her and if he tells her she has to eat at the table he gets her stomping to her room and saying hes mean. We talked about it last night and I told her while she has every right to say I'm upset I need time to myself and wlak to her room, she is not allwed to stomp and slam doors and call names like mean, and that from now on she will get desert or tv taken away if she does that to anyone. it was a calm conversation and she agreed on the rules and that she shouldnt act like that (she's 5). I think a lot of kids think people are mean who care about them and give them rules but if he loves her and atches her daily he has to parent her as well

Are the boyfriend's rules and affection equal? Does he make his kids do chores and homework also? Is he as open to hugging your daughter as he is his kids? If all of this is equal then she needs to know that he does love her. Displine is love -- sometimes tough love. Your daughter needs to understand that when he makes her do the things she needs to do such as homework and picking up after herself he is teaching her responsibility and showing that he loves her.

Are the rules different at dad's house? How much time does he spend with her? Does she see him on school nights and/or weekends? When my kids were little my ex lived with his parents until he got re-married. His Mom would tell my kids that they loved them and would hire a cleaning lady to come in and clean up after them. That I did not love them because I made them pick up after themselves. This did not make things easy.

I think you need to sit down with your daughter and see what the issues are as she sees them. I think a lot of the problem here is she doesn't get enough one on one time with her Mommy. I'm not laying a guilt trip here -- I understand demanding jobs. I think maybe if you can find a couple of hours a week to devote to her things will improve a lot.

honestly i would talk to her first .. if shes really that miserable and insists on going make sure she knows what a big deal it is i mean would she have to change schools?make new friends? .. id tell her lets try it for a month and see what you think.. who knows maybe shell hate it there and wana come back home

I think you and your ex need to sit together with her and have a discussion about her unhappiness. She probably is feeling alone. You have your new family and his other kids and your new kids. It sounds like he has his. I would think of it from her perspective. But if your husband has other kids too, and a new wife, it's not like moving in with him will solve her problems.

I would sit with her Seperately and tell her you understand. And see where that goes. I don't mean to be harsh but for her, I think that does stink. She went from a good situation to being in these blended families, so how much times does she really get. I'm not really sure what else you could do. Except maybe stay at home to spend more time with her. If your ex doesnt have a live in, maybe he is. Better fit. And you could consider moving closer to your ex to do a better custody thing. It would require a lot but a suggestion.

As an aside. Marry the bf if you have a kid together. I don't mean to be judgmental or mean. Make it legitimite.

Let her go. It's all you can do, you can talk to her and you can make changes, but for awhile, till she can learn that the changes are real, let her go. She's your baby girl, she needs you, she'll come back (chances are), but forcing things because you're the parent isn't likely to help.

Check out this book: Blended Family Advice: A step-by-step guide to help blended and step families become strong and successful by MA LPC Shirley Cress Dudley

There are a lot of us in this situation. You need to talk to your daughter about how she feels. I don't think the answer is to just ship her to her dads house. How much time is she over there now? If he only has her every other weekend, maybe do one week on, one week off, more of a 50%. But I would make her a priority right now, she's feeling lost in the middle of all the kids. Good luck.

Here is how I would probably approach this... The first thing that I would do is talk to your daughter. Tell her you received an email from her dad stating that she was not happy, and then ask her to tell you what is bothering her. What is making her unhappy? Ask her what she would like to have changed and why. Once you have a better idea about what she is feeling and wanting, I would then discuss the problem(s) with your ex. If you need to, maybe the three of you could discuss options (making sure that your daughter knows that her feelings will be considered, but you and her dad will have the final say.)

Eight years old is too young to make that decision on her own, and I would be none too happy about an ex saying "our child doesn't like living with you, so I've decided the solution is to come live with me." How much of it was even what she said and how much was what he encouraged her to say? At some point, she's not going to like living with him either. Take a deep breath and then calmly advise him that changing custody arrangements is not the first solution to working through growing pains and family changes. Also, make sure he is aware that his is not to discuss custody or any version of "you can come live with daddy" with your daughter, as that is counter-productive and very confusing to children. (It's almost certainly written in your divorce decree that custody matters are not to be discussed with her, so just reinforce it.) Tell him that she's going through a lot of changes right now, and that you are committed to giving her the resources to work through that. Your daughter is too young to fully understand all the consequences of changing custody and all the dynamics involved. When talking to your daughter, simply tell her that her dad said that she was unhappy and that you want to talk about what you can do to help.

All of that said, it does sound like there could be some valid concerns. Getting home at 8 is simply too late. Is there any way that you can do some of your work from home after the kids are in bed or while they are doing homework? Your boyfriend isn't your daughter's father, and he should not be disciplining her. Your boyfriend is a man that your daughter did not choose, who isn't her relative and who isn't her dad. It sounds like your boyfriend is taking on a lot of the responsibilities of a father (which could mean trying to fill that role, especially looking at it from your ex-husbands and daughter's perspectives). iAnd, if you can't watch her at night, then your ex may have a point that she should be with her dad vs. your boyfriend. YOU need to offer the homework help. Also, your boyfriend has a right to expect her to obey your rules, but he should not be the disciplinarian of her, especially if you are at home. You need to be the one who enforces the rules and disciplines. How do you know that he isn't mean to her when you aren't around? Listen to what your daughter says and what she defines as mean. She may have a point. Do you say that she thinks he is mean when he's just enforcing rules because that's what you've observed or that's what he's telling you? If it's what he's telling you, listen to her side of the story too, and give it as much credibility. What he may call "enforcing the rules" may actually be scary or harmful. It sounds like you definitely need more individual time with your daughter and more time at home with her. However, moving her to her dad's house is likely not the best way to handle this. She may feel that you don't want her if you or that she's been displaced by the baby.

Perhaps find a child therapist (or play therapist) to meet with your daughter to assess her needs and to provide you with guideance on what is best for your daughter. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with your daughter; it just means that you need some help working through a blended family dynamic.