Ugh Inlaws

If I only saw people once a year, I'd rearrange my plans.
If my kids only saw their cousins once a year, I'd rearrange their plans.
Nor would I mind paying for dinner for some family members once a year when they come up to visit.

Maybe look at it this way. They weren't great about planning but you weren't either. They don't sound like bad people at all. Don't seem to ask much at all. So maybe the way this has developed isn't great but no need for you to be so mad. They could be a little mad too that you didn't make more effort. Maybe you made enough but I bet they can tell the story a little differently. So chalk it up to bad planning and next year make it more clear. This year don't be mad. Seems like they have intruded so little.

So they do this every September, have been here a week and you never thought to ask about a day everyone could get together?

Why are they rude? They likely asked because you never invited. They sound like the perfect relatives to me. They stay in a hotel, focus on spending time with the person they are actually blood related too and don't ask for anything other than spending a few hours with the rest of your family.

If your kids are older it's fine to just show pictures but maybe next year you could host an afternoon that includes the whole family.

When I was in San Diego for a week at a conference, My sister-in-law never once invited us to come over and hang out with her. I thought it was rude of her. You are in the hosting city. Why in the world would they invite themselves over? Why would they be the one to arrange it and not you?

ETA: I find it especially interesting given how put out you were in your last post that your daughter's future inlaws didn't seem to want to get to know you. You seem easily offended by non blood relatives…

Gee...because they're the guests, do you think maybe they were waiting for an invitation or something? Did you want them to invite themselves to your house?
We had out of town relatives in town last week. I knew they would be crazy busy trying to fit everyone in, so before they left home, we nailed down a day & time to have them at our house for a dinner.

If you knew they would be in town until Sunday, why did you make plans for Saturday? I would have cleared my calendar for the week they were in town.

ETA - oops, after reading your SWH I realize how much I was assuming. Not sure why, but in addition to assuming you had previously made no effort, I also assumed your kids were young.

If it's possible to rearrange things, I would try. Do what you can and don't sweat it. Maybe next year nicely ask your kids to try (try) not to schedule things while they are in town. But if your kids are grown adults, they control their own calendars, and all you can do us ask.

I have read your question and the responses you've gotten thus far, and I have to say that I'm surprised that everyone is upset at you! You mentioned that your in-laws wouldn't give you a day that worked for them to see everyone, so honestly, I don't see how this is your fault. It sounds to me like they wanted to take it easy and make plans based on their mood for the day. And that's totally fine, until they expected everyone to drop their plans for them when they decided a day worked for them. I would not have told the kids (not sure how old yours are?) nor expected them to keep their whole week open just in case in laws decided they felt like doing something. Yes, they are guests in town for only a little while, but I find it disrespectful to refuse to make plans and then at the last minute expect everyone to drop everything for them. I would do the dinner, have whoever is available go, and show off pictures. Try to let the anger go because it will only hurt *you* in the end. But also casually mention that it would be great to schedule a day in advance next year so that everyone can get together and see them.

If I were your in laws, I'd be thinking "you know, we come 700 miles to visit these people every year, and they couldn't even take the time to invite us over or leave some space on their calendar to visit with their family. Why do we even bother?"

And really, I get that calendars fill up fast, but for the entire 16 non-sleeping hours on Saturday, there is really not a single event that could be skipped, moved, or otherwise juggled around to make an hour of time to see family who traveled 700 miles to get to you?

(ducking and hiding, knowing that this is not what you wanted to hear)

I suggest that since you didn't set a date and invite them they may be feeling the same sort of angst you're feeling. I suggest you tell them you're disappointed that it didn't work out to have a family get together. Have dinner, expecting to have a good time. Next year be more assertive. As the host it really is up to you to set a date and invite them. It is just too easy for time to slip by. I suggest you waited to hear from her and she waited to hear from you and before you knew it the week was over.

I would tell your children about dinner and let them decide for themselves. I'm thinking they're adults and don't live with you.

I get mad easily but not sure even I would be or you should be "pissed". They sound like lovely people. Stay in a hotel, meet in a cafe, your husband enjoys it etc. They seem to intrude so very little - especially compared to most inlaws. So no big deal. If everyone already has plans, they have plans... Maybe they waited to say something bc they hoped you would organize a little lunch or dinner at your house. I'm kind of surprised you didn't! So mention it to everyone but meet where? Obviously they can't host all these people at a hotel... Did you expect them to take everyone out to a restaurant? Could you actually host a little brunch or something? Just bagels? If no one can make it, I'm sure they'll understand and if they don't, then better planning next year. What have you done prior years? Maybe a couple of people can make it though. But not sure you're the one who should be pissed. Maybe I'm missing something though..

I often make plans weeks or even months in advance. Other people's last minute non-plans are not my problem, nor do I rearrange things to accommodate them.

This was a great opportunity to simply say, "No, I'm not going to do that. Husband and I will see you Saturday, but the kids all made plans long before now. Things like this need to be arranged in advance."

If my mom called me and asked me to drop my plans to come see wandering aunt & uncle, I'd laugh. Nope.

You said they do this every year. So why is it a surprise this year? Since no one bothered to plan ahead for the annual get together, I would show pics at dinner Saturday night and mention that next year we will all do better with planning the whole family getting together. Don't stress about it. Good luck.

Is there more to the story here? Do you have other issues with them? Have they done this before, on previous visits -- said they'd like to see the kids, or other family members, when there were already plans in place? (So, is this a pattern for these visits?) Do you and your husband plan a time for the kids with these relatives, since you know well in advance when they're coming into town? That would take care of this issue in the future -- you make the plans.

I find it a bit excessive to be "pissed" at what you describe as just a simple "We'd like to see the kids, Saturday would be good" kind of statement. You didn't tell us whether they've already been told "No one can see you due to previous plans" or whether your husband has yet to tell them the kids can't see them. And we don't know from your post whether BIL/SIL are making any fuss about that. If they are now kicking up a fuss or being unpleasant about how folks won't drop plans to see them, well, I can see your being a bit teed off about that. But if they are just leaving it alone, and basically saying oh well, we're sorry, but we get it -- why bother to be pissed off at them?

If they just very casually said "Saturday would be great" if doable, and they are not pushing you and yours to drop anything and run to see them instead -- I would let this go. Are they the type of folks who maybe just amble through their vacation day to day and don't plan it out? That's not me, and maybe it's not you either, and it's that lack of planning and early requests is what really ticks you off here --?? Go do what was already planned and say with a smile, "Maybe next year, but you know how it is with kids--they have commitments in their schedules once school and activities start." Then offer them something else to do with just your husband, maybe. But they're his relatives, so he should figure out something else to do that day before the group dinner. It's not up to him, or you, to gather up all the kids and grandkids for that dinner if that wasn't the original plan. But I'd try to stow the anger during that dinner; it won't change anything or make them plan more in advance next time.

So maybe next time, since they come regularly and they do stay out of your hair (more than many in-laws do, so try to value that) -- next time, plan something yourself.

Yep, they should have mentioned this sooner. I agree, the pics will have to do. Since they come up every year in September, have they made it a point to see your kids in prior years?

Honestly? I think that nobody tried hard enough to anticipate this. They didn't, you didn't. The best way to deal with this? Show them pictures of the kids over dinner. If they really want to see the kids next year when they come up, they will plan it with you in advance.

I think you should swallow your pride and just go with the flow.. ok, sure they could have told you sooner... that is a given.. but they didn't.... they are only there for a week.. it's not like you ll have to see them again for some time... IF you can possibly change around plans, then do it... it's not that big of a deal in the bigger scheme of things. UNLESS your kids cannot change their plans, then ok.. but if you know they can and yet your pride is getting in the way and you feel resentful......... then that isn't a good enough reason if reason at all not to allow them to see the kids.. Also, you knew they were coming up for a week, why didn't you make plans for the kids to see them... wouldn't you and your husband know better than anyone the kid's schedule and therefore you might have allotted time for them from the get go... I do wonder if the reason the bil and sil didn't mention anything is because they know how busy you are and probably figured or hoped that you'd set aside time for the kids..
I don't think they did it to spite you..

I would call the kids and say,'Aunty Samantha and Uncle Bill would love to see you on Saturday night. Do you think you could come over?', and then let your kids decide. They might be able to come for an hour before they go off to their other plans.

Can the kids change at least some of their plans and see family?

If you tried to set up a day and they were not receptive, then that's on them. Maybe your husband as the blood relative should have been a bit more persistent about setting up a date to get together with the family since he saw them every morning. I don't think that it is fair for them to ask everyone to change their plans at the last minute though. If they and your husband really cared enough about the family getting together, they would have planned a date in advance...

Unless my kids plans had to do with school or something major I would make them cancel them to be honest. They can hang with friends anytime, and family comes first.

Sounds petty and childish. They only come up once a year so I'd cancel the plans that can be rearranged. If it's something that can't be changed then that kiddo and parent managing that activity can't be at the dinner.

I think that family comes first whenever it's possible. They are your family too. Why haven't you picked up the phone and called then to arrange a family dinner? Where they come over and the dogs go outside or in a bedroom until they leave?

My visiting teacher is terrified of cats so I always put my cats in a bathroom with a litter box, food, and water. They don't bother her if she doesn't see them.

Seems like you could have put forth some effort to go have breakfast with them too. Then there would have been a discussion early in the week about getting the kids and adults together.