I'm a Girl Scout troop leader - co leader actually with another mom/friend.
I also am someone who expects a lot from my own children (to listen, be well behaved, etc). And people who can't control their children DRIVE ME MAD.
So when we decided to take on this troop thing, we both agreed that we'd try to get sitters for our youngest children since we wanted to be able to focus on the girls. I made arrangements to have my mother watch my other kids when I needed to go over to the other troop leaders home for our monthly meetings. Also I took on the responsibility of planning all of our field trips. So we have one meeting at her house per month, and one field trip/outing.
Now I understand that the girl scouts are basically Mom run. Us volunteers have families and do have kids that are not part of the troop that sometimes are underfoot or in the background while we rung the meetings.
My co-troop leader's son is a HANDFUL. He CANNOT play alone, will not watch a movie and generally is very clingy and underfoot, hugging his mom's legs saying "Mommy Mommy Mommy". This last field trip we went on to the fire station he started to come unglued. She had to take him out of the room where he was being disruptive and even then he still was being a pain. When I asked her later, "What was up with him?" She said, "Sorry, I was having problems handling him." I said, "You did fine. Why did he lose it? What was going on?" She said, "Oh, he was tired and hungry, I forgot to give him a snack before we left."
I am so frustrated! It's one thing to have a difficult child, but it's another to set yourself up for failure too. We're supposed to be focused on our troop, but having him around makes that virtually impossible for her.
I kept my word and have my kids "out of my hair" when we're busy with the troop. She hasn't done the same. I feel that much more awkward that the meetings are in her home, because it's not like I can say "he can't be here".
HELP! How do I handle this going into the NEXT year of being troop leaders together?
I really like her and like being a troop leader with her.
I have already tried on several occasions to talk with her, but apparently it hasn't worked. I just don't know what to do or say.
UPDATE: Sorry I wasn't clear... I didn't know she didn't give him a snack when I made my comment. And yes, I do try to be understanding when she has to bring him along or doesn't have a sitter. However when she told me he was melting down because he was tired and hungry I WAS upset. I thought, "You're setting him up for a meltdown." Did I say that, no. Maybe I should have.
Also, I didn't make a rule that we would have sitters for our kids, we agreed that we would each get sitters for our other kids. I have offered to have my older child "help" watch her son, but he doesn't listen to her, doesn't play a game with her or otherwise stay occupied and out of our "troop" happenings. I feel like she KNOWS he can't be left alone (he is only 4) and therefore is creating this issue. She knows he's disruptive, clingy, etc. I think she's great leader, but I also feel like our troop deserves our attention for the few hours a month we've committed to.
How do I say this without seeming rude and judgemental? I thought we'd committed to having our other kids "taken care of" while we were doing troop things.
Thanks for all the input.
I KNOW that my expectations of how kids should behave is high. So with that said, as for next year's planning, I am going to talk with her, gently, saying that IF we continue having meetings and outings where her son will be there, that I think that either he needs to behave or she needs to have someone else watch him. And remind her that we have a responsibility to our girls to give them our attention when they are in our care.
I understand that Girl Scouts is family friendly and I can't EXPECT her to always have a sitter for him. However, if he's going to be with us, then perhaps I'll ask her if I can help let him participate. (And maybe even bring a game or something quiet for him to do.)
She is a great friend and I really like her daughter. Enough people on MP and otherwise have told me how hard some "boys" can be at this age. So I'm going to try to roll with it as best I can.
Next year he will be a year older. Maybe she is not as lucky as you to have
her mother close to babysit. Maybe she does not have the extra money to
hire a sitter. Be patient and do not keep "trying to talk to her."
You referred to next year, and hopefully next year the little guy will be out of this stage. I have a "tough to handle" little boy after my DD was a very "easy" baby/toddler, and I've been humbled. I used to be very judgemental, but learned the hard way that not everyone is blessed with an "easy child" and sometimes there are just phases the kiddos have to pass through before they find their feet. I think it's a thin line...she's trying to be involved in the troop (hard to get volunteers for anything these days) but yet, she may not have the options she THOUGHT she would have when she agreed to find other accomodations for her son. I can totally understand your frustration. I can also feel for her situation. If you can hang in there thru the rest of this year (not long), and then discuss it again when next year approaches, I think things will get easier. Good luck.
Try to have more patience. Im sure if she didnt have to bring him she wouldnt. My friends son is the same way. I just ignore him.
I'd probably just start carrying an extra baggy of snacks around in my purse and toss it to him, in order to sate the wild beast, before getting started. Though next year the kid could have a better handle on himself and this could all be a moot point by then.
I don'tr have advice on how to handle this. However, my daughter si a scout, and I would be appalled that her troop leader was not supervising her safety and being responsive to her quesitions or needs. Can you bring this quesiton to your regional leader to get her advice? I was even thinking you could "fake" a parent complaint? I know it is uncomfortable, but honestly the field trip thing is scary to me. I know there are rations for adults to kids - she is either ignoring the rations or essentially opting out to deal with her own child. Perhaps, you can engage another parent to co-lead with you and phase her out?
She probably does not have someone else... to babysit her son, when she is meeting or on field trips.
Or a Husband that will not watch him.
And she is stuck.
Or has too much on her plate.
This meeting is only once a month?
She just has a different style of handling her kid.
And/or does not have any support or help, with her family.
And she is not the same as you.
Since you have talked to her and "it doesn't work"... then maybe she cannot do anything about it.
Who knows what her home life is like?
Did you say, clearly "We both agreed to get Sitters for our kids, to concentrate on the girls. Your son is too young/unglued to be here at meetings or field trips. Can you or can you not, be here alone without him?"
If you like her and like being a troop leader with her, I suggest you suck it up and don't say anything.
Can your oldest babysit yet? Or can she take him "away" for a while, to a park, the playground, the den for a movie. THen can she feed him anything while M. does girl scouts? She can stay at the house and take him into the backyard.
Tell her point blank that you will not do outings with Johnny. Just let her know that you love her and him to death but he is too disuptive. Or don't plan any more outings until he is in school.
Find her a babysitter, a teen from church maybe, an older GS that needs hours for her Silver or Gold award. Look to Cadettes and Seniors.
And you can to say "he can't be here". Pull out Safetywise. If his presence makes it too many kids for the two of you then you need another adult.
Oh and carry a Johnny bag, some snacks, toys, whatever. Something to keep him quiet.
Good luck, pretty soon he will be in Cub scouts then you might lose her to his den.
First of all, you tell her she "handled it fine" probably made it seem that you're not bothered by this behavior. I actually kind of feel bad for her for having such a rambuctious and clingy little guy. My daughter is the exact same way which is why I would never volunteer for something like this knowing that she would have these meltdowns and have to be with me all the time. She never should have volunteered if she knew that she wouldn't be able to give her full attention. If you have talked to her and nothing is getting through then it's probably best that you either suck it up or quit.
i understand it was the cherry on the sundae, not the entire problem, BUT all of us have had moments where we slipped a little - forgetting to give him a snack is not really something you should hold against her - we've all been there. if it gets so that you really can't tolerate it, i suppose your only option is to quit. you've talked to her and she's obviously not going to change. unfortunately the universe does not arrange itself to our comfort level. also, does she really realize how much you resent her for this? because it seems as though you told her she handled the situation fine, but yet you're condemning her for forgetting a snack at the same time. maybe it's just time to find another troop leader. if you keep letting it eat at you, you will just resent her more and more and it will ruin your relationship. also, i firmly believe, with things like this, when it's no longer fun, then it's time to stop. this is supposed to be a fun activity. eventually your frustration will effect the girls. don't let it get that far. oprah's phrase, "it's just not working for me" is really helpful in this kind of situation.
Mixed message: "You handled it fine" is not the same as, "I thought we agreed to get child care for the extra kids, would you like me to ask my mom if she can take your son too?" or something like that.
She may have financial issues, or she may not "get it" that you feel it's not OK for her son to be there, or that his behavior is outrageous. I have a friend with a very difficult son (because she never enforced right behavior and feels 'that's just how kids act'). I know this about her, so our time together is limited, but when we're together for visits, and I'm secretly mortified that she lets him bang on every apartment door in their hall on the way to the elevator EVERY time they leave the building, and she lets him crawl over to other people's tables in restaurants and provoke them to "laugh" (uneasily) at him while he goofs off, and he spits at her and runs away cackling when she tells him to walk with us etc etc etc, she doesn't KNOW I'm mortified, because I'm acting like it's not bothering me. And it sort of isn't, because we'll be leaving soon and not seeing them again for a looooong time. I mean, yeah, it suuuuper embarrassing in the moment to be "those" modern parents with brats (even though my kids are behaving) invading the trendy NYC neighborhood where most of the population is young and single. But what good would it do to tell her to change her personal standards for her son's behavior and start working hard at discipline? She wouldn't do it and she'd be offended and she's a good friend.
BUT, if I was leading a troop with her (which I wouldn't), I'd absolutely say, "Your little guy is way too high energy for the setting, so how can we work this out?" or something.
You've sort of set it up to tolerate it, so you have to either say you've "changed your mind" and put your foot down about her son somehow, or accept it, or quit.
Is there a way to direct her about Girls Scouts is supposed to be about the girls, and that it is not really fair to the Scouts to have to deal with the four year old? That might not be such an easy thing to say in a nice way. Her focus should be held on the troop, and her son obviously feels the need to be the center of her attention. (I'm guessing he is feeling a bit jealous of her time?)
To keep the peace between you and this mom, I think the solution would be to bring another mom or two into your mix. Tell your current co-leader that this has been a bigger commitment than you expected (leaving out that it is due to her not being fully present) and you'd like to ask another mom to join you two in running things. Current co-leader can remain a leader, but at meetings and field trips she can focus on her son and you and the new leader can focus on the girls.
You said that this year you both decided that you would TRY to get sitters for your other children. I think that for next year, since this is bothering you so much, you need to say that you WILL get sitters. Please keep any comments about her son out of the discussion. You simply can say that the troop needs your attention without any distractions. I think you are being way too judgmental of her and how she deals with her son. You cannot say to her that her son "has to behave." Maybe she is having some difficulties with her son and she doesn't want to share all of the details with you so she just says that he is tired and hungry to give you some reason since you are so nosy about his behavior. Yes, it would be great if all kids could behave all of the time but that just isn't the way it works all of the time, no matter how great a mother you are.
