Trying to Decide on Third Child/1st for New Hubby

I'm not going to repeat (so this will be uncharacteristally short)...

If he is willing to be a SAHP, would that make a difference in your decision making? And if that was a req... would it make a difference in HIS decision making?

by saying you didnt think you wanted anymore children and he replied he was "ok" with that, it sounds like you both werent being completely honest. also, was this conversation stated when you began dating or when you were already engaged? the reason i ask is its quite possible when you two had that conversation, niether of you really expected your relationship to end up in a marriage, meaning maybe you all werent clear enough in the discussion. or maybe each got caught up in the engagement and didnt realize how important this issue was to the other.

it sounds like he may be thinking "isnt this great, our family is so great, dont you want a baby" because he is really enjoying the life you have built together and wants to have a baby because he loves you and wants to be a dad from the beginning. unless you have left something out, i really dont think he is doing it for the wrong reasons. he may be aware of you anxiety about the age factor and is concerned if he waits, you will decide against it just for your age.

i know are you have valid concerns, and im not dismissing, im simply pointing out his point of view. at 35, he is at an age where most men are actually just starting to have their first. you may be feeling older, but he is actually feeling right on target, and those fatherly feelings may have developed more recently by your family unit. you are also remembering from experience the work, where he is only seeing the joy.

if he truley is a good person, not just a good husband, but a good person, then take his feelings seriously and have a real conversation about your above concerns. how much does he want this baby, in terms of giving up his personal time? does he agree you are both working parents so all household chores, nightime wakings, and all "work" you fear are split 50/50? does he understand the work involved? what does he see being a typical night in your house? i assume your kids may see their father, so that may be your couple time. does he realize there will be no couple time since that baby is with you both 100%? if he seems completely aware and you trust he will be able to put in his share, then its def something you should consider.

dont let your age be the deciding factor, as well as fear of divorce. many of the women giving a negative perspective are now single parents again. that could happen at anytime, and i dont think we should all make life decisions with the fear of divorce, or else why is anyone bothering to get married in the first place. you should marry someone who makes you think the best, not expect the worst. good luck.

That is really a tough one. I guess what it comes down to for me is what does your husband really want and what is his big picture? If you can see the big picture then the hardships might not look so big.

Hmmm.... the human heart is what it is... your Husband feels the want of his own child, pulling at his heart strings. He wants a baby with you.

You are not old, to have a baby.
I was about that age when I had my 1st child. We got pregnant naturally. Then I had a 2nd child 4 years later. Got pregnant naturally. Both pregnancies were good and normal. My kids were born healthy and normal.

But you are also looking at the 'work' of having a baby in conjunction with your work life and your want for traveling etc. And you ALREADY went through the phase of life where you had babies and all that... and now you are on a different phase of life (from your Husband) where you want to just be doing 'adult' things and traveling and what not. Which there is nothing wrong with that... but for your Husband, he NEVER went through life having had a baby and the joys of it and raising a child of his own... and for him, that part of his life and yearnings, are not fulfilled. Like it is for you. You already did that. But for him, he has not done that yet... and he just got married, to you, and he has not 'shared' those facets of life with anyone yet. But he chose you to marry.

For you, your life is "complete." For your new Husband, it is not complete.
That is the conundrum here. And your concern about your age for having a baby... and your commute to work.

Perhaps, figure out a compromise... together....for once you return to work and your baby needing a care-taker... and the costs and alternatives... and knowing what it will entail having another baby, with him etc.

I don't have any answers, I can understand your feelings on it... as well as his. Can he cope.... if he does not have a baby with you and not having that part of his life fulfilled? Since you have already been there done that.

all the best,
Susan

Get a puppy.

Truly, if your heart is not into having a 3rd child right now, don't. Also be fair to your hubby and be honest with him. I have a SIL that had a 3rd baby when she was in her 40s and she makes it known that the only reason she had the 3rd baby was so that hubby would have a kid.

You've only been married a short time. That in itself takes time to adjust to. Please don't be pressured into doing something that you don't want. It will harden your heart every time you have to pass something up in favor of baby.

M.

Wow, tough one. It's unfortunate that he didn't let you in on his really wanting a biological child before the wedding. However, you are only 37 and if he reeaalllly can't imagine never fathering a child, then you need to know that now. I thought I was done when my 2 were 8 & 10.5 and my husband suddenly decided that we needed a 3rd. I argued for a year then one day I woke up and wanted a 3rd child more than anything in the world! It took us a year to get pregnant after that & by the time I gave birth I was 42!! Now she is 6 (already..seems like yesterday that I had her!) & my othe rtwo are 14 & 18. We have NO regrets at all. We figure she will keep us young ;)
You have to do what's right for you and your family, but you both need to be in complete agreement. If he says he's fine with no baby today, but changes his mind in 2 or 3 years, that will make it even harder. Good luck..I wish you the best!

My son married a girl with two children. At the time they were 14 and 8,
so very similar to yours. She also works an hour away. My son definitely
wanted children and she agreed to this before they got married. They
were married 7/07 and she got pregnant the month after. Baby born
4/08. He was and still is on cloud nine. There second son is now 6
weeks old. OMG the big kids love the little ones. It is amazing. They are
all very happy. My feeling is let him enjoy what you have experienced-a
child. My dil is only a year younger than you are. In some ways a baby
at his point of your life is a true joy, very differnent from having them
younger. Is it an adjustment yes, but the love the older ones would
give is worth it. So I say go for it, I don't think you would regret it and
it would be wonderful for your husband to experience a baby. Hope
this helps.

Hi W.,

I know you posted your question awhile ago, but I thought you might find this site of interest.

http://www.motherhoodlater.com/

Hi W. - when I saw your post I thought someone was writing about me!

It seems everyone is giving you horror stories but I wont.

My name is W. and I have two boys from a previous relationship. When I got together with my then boyfriend my boys were 8 and 7. I thought I was done with kids and well he said he didnt want any... so we thought all was OK.

Child number 3 was a huge surprise - we almost decided not to have her cause we didnt want more kids. The boys were at that age they were self sufficient and we could travel and be together. Well when my daughter was born we were elated! I think it brought us closer together as a couple. When she was 6 weeks he went to get a vasectomy so accidents couldnt happen again. She is almost 7 years old now and I cant image how things would be without her. She is so loving, more then her brothers. My husband also did everything he could so I could stay home as long as I can.

Age doesnt mean anything anymore, I have a friend who just had kid number 4 at 41! If your going to have another child dont do it cause you feel pressured. You need to tell him to chill and ask where its coming from. Ive seen my cousin who was in a relationship with someone who had a kid, go from not wanting them to having one with this person and seeking more. Perhaps your kids are the source of wanting more. When one falls in love with someone else s kids its only natural they want one of their own.

Id say sit with him, talk and make a plan that you agree too so there are no surprises or trickery!

Good Luck, W.

Dear Boogiedownwanda, Congrats on your new marriage. I understand your situation and dilemma. I can only advise on the standpoint of your age. I remarried after already having 3 teens. I went on to have 2 more at age 36 and 37. Many friends said I was crazy. I not only survived but have 2 more to be proud of and they are now 27 and 29. Only you and your husband can make this decision. Follow your heart and your good sense. My best, Grandma Mary

Hi W.,

What a tough spot. The new great husband wants a baby and you obviously do not (great excuses). This is really some soul searching time. As one does not want to bring a baby into the world if there are resentments.

We do not know what kind of father your previous husband was but obviously he did not do well as a husband, hence a divorce. Do not hold this new husband hostage to the fears and disappointments received by the first husband. There are many healthy happy children that only had their mothers home for 4 to 6 months.

Then there is the question, what is the responsibility a person has to another when they answer "I do not think..." that is leaving the question open. Perhaps leaving it open ended, eased a fear that you may loose him if you said definitely, no more children. Now one faces the question. He wants a child to raise from the beginning. To have the experience of seeing the ultra sounds, bottle feeding, diapers, first steps, first walking, first words. He may not want to always be only a step dad but have the experience as a Dad. If you decide of full heart to go ahead you are giving him the most loving and selfless gift. If he is as wonderful as you have written then he deserves it. W. you have not had this experience with him, perhaps it will be wonderful.

Keep in mind that you are not alone to raise this child as there is a loving husband and the boys will be older and able to help out in so many ways. In a healthy family all members pitch in to help. Perhaps you will get a daughter to round out the family. What ever happens the clock is ticking and one never wants to look back and say what if....
Lastly, parents can still travel and have relatives, friends watch the children or take them along. There are many ways to solve this problem.

Best of luck on this difficult decision. This is one both of you need to absolutely agree on, in order to have future contentment together without resentment.
Keep us posted
D.

I always feel like no matter how much a father contributes both financially and emotionally to raising a child, ultimately the bigger investment comes from the mother. We carry the children (no matter how they come to be a part of our family, both literally and figuratively) throughout their lives and I feel like we invest a little more of ourselves into the raising of kids. It's a really big decision and can't be made unless you're completely committed to it. I think you could end up resenting not just your husband, but even the child if you give in out of guilt or the need to please. Also, your current children need to be thought of in this scenario. Will your new husband be less invested in them with a biological child of his own? Is your kids father in their lives and taking them weekends? Does your husband really realize how different parenting might be without those days off every month.

Whew, it's a big decision and one you should be discussing in detail with your hubby. Good Luck and Congrats on the new marriage!

My thoughts on this are that we have children to continue our genes, heritage, family name, or whatever you want to call it. I had a child and my husband had 4 when we got married, the youngest was 7, but I wanted more than anything to 'produce' a baby from the both of us. A product of our love for each other. I had to talk my DH into it and we had a wonderful baby boy who is now a husband and father and I am so proud of him. BUT, more importantly, my husband died when baby boy was 14 and when I look at him now I can see my DH in him and know that DH is smiling down on him with pride and joy too.
Your youngest is 6 and Im sure you can remember back to when he was born and it seems like yesterday. A new baby will soon be off to school and think of the pride your DH will have on that day.
Just my thoughts for what they are worth.

Updated

My thoughts on this are that we have children to continue our genes, heritage, family name, or whatever you want to call it. I had a child and my husband had 4 when we got married, the youngest was 7, but I wanted more than anything to 'produce' a baby from the both of us. A product of our love for each other. I had to talk my DH into it and we had a wonderful baby boy who is now a husband and father and I am so proud of him. BUT, more importantly, my husband died when baby boy was 14 and when I look at him now I can see my DH in him and know that DH is smiling down on him with pride and joy too.
Your youngest is 6 and Im sure you can remember back to when he was born and it seems like yesterday. A new baby will soon be off to school and think of the pride your DH will have on that day.
Just my thoughts for what they are worth.

I had my first at 39. I guess that I am the wrong person to ask. The best thing about having a baby at my age is that I really knew who I was and was comfortable with myself. But i would not characturized myself as old at 38.

Hi, W. - welcome to the group! I absolutely understand your dilemma. I'm not in your exact situation but I do feel the struggle you're dealing with right now. I have 2 children (2 1/2 and 11 months), I'm 39, and I had 8 weeks off for maternity leave (thanks, DOE! and only b/c it was a c-section, otherwise it would have been 6 weeks). I work fulltime (even more so, sometimes) and it definitely is a lot - my work hours are long, my commute is long, and my kids are both still very dependent. The ONLY way I have been able to do it is b/c my husband is very involved. His hours are very stable and manageable, and he gets that he is an equal partner in this. If he didn't come to the table with that mentality, I would never have been able to do it. So, without knowing more about you, your husband, or your situation, my advice would be to have a very honest and clear conversation with your husband about how much he plans to be involved with all that it will entail (1) during the pregnancy (e.g. watching the kids so you can do what you need to do, such as rest, go to dr appointments, etc.), (2) during the birth (who's watching the kids, who's arranging who's watching the kids, who's keeping the house running while you're in the hospital or wherever you'll deliver), (3) during your maternity leave, and (4) after all of that. If he's a team player and gets that if this is what HE wants, HE is going to have to be very involved and helpful, then that might put you in a better position to feel that this is something you can do. You're obviously a very giving person and it's lovely that you care enough to consider doing this for him. At the end of the day, though, remember that this is your body and your life and a baby will definitely change that. Good luck!

I'd say you are young enough to take a few months (maybe 3-6) to just enjoy your new marriage, think on and talk about having another child. If you are willing to consider another child it sounds like there are a lot of logistics to take into account.

I had my second and last child the day after I turned 38. I concieved quickly and had a decent pregnancy so I definitely don't think you are "too old" to have another baby...if you want one. I hear you about the work of having young kids (I have a toddler and a preschooler). Do you have a friend or relative with a baby or toddler? Perhaps if your husband spends a full day with a baby/toddler he may have more of an idea of what it will be like

Hi W.. I think that you have several issues to deal with. If your husband told you originally that he did not want children, and just four weeks after your wedding does a 360 and tells you you that he now does, you have to consider whether this was his plan all along. Ask yourself if he is being manipulative. I could understand if you guys had been married for a few years and he loved being a step dad then changed his mind, but it seems clear that all along he wanted children. Is he truly a great husband? Do you want to be together for the rest of your life? Do you see signs of him trying to get his way in other areas of your life? If the answer is yes, then maybe a third child is not in your future. However, consider the plus side of the story. You are already an experienced mother, so a third child will be easier in a lot of respects. You have an advantage in that your children are older, so an infant's major financial requirements (camp, college etc.) will be nicely spread out. Is your ex-husband contributing financially to his children or will your new husband have to pay towards his step children? Why do you feel that 38 is the cut off age? I work with new moms all the time who have second and third children way into their early forties. The key thing is that if you have a child who will then have to be placed in a day care or with a nanny, you are really not going to experience more than the evenings and weekends with that child. If this is satisfactory to you and your husband then this might be fine. Maybe you could work partly from home In addition, I am sure that your older children will be very helpful with a new baby as well as your husband. If you really feel that you can provide what a third child needs, then I say go for it. Do not have a third child to save a marriage. If your husband is resentful that you do not, then reconsider whether this is the man you want to spend your life with. You were clear from the start and it seems that he was not. Sit down with a pen and paper and jot down all the pros and cons. Good luck.

I don't really have any good advice. Only to say, that's not fair for him to change his mind! Especially if you guys really talked about it before getting married. Unless you were wishy-washy and gave him some false hope?? (by your post I don't think you did) Also, I wouldn't agree to have another baby unless I really REALLY wanted another baby.

Yikes, did he ever throw you for a loop! I can't comment on having 3 kids, we only have one, but your concerns are absolutely valid and you should really sit down w/ your husband and ask him why his feelings have changed -- and lay all of yours out there, as well. I like the "get a puppy" idea personally (although I have a 14 month old dog and he's just like having a toddler at this point! :) So maybe just "get a dog." Personally, if I had children your age, I would also be looking forward to traveling and all the things that you can do after your children are older...Best of luck and let us all know what happens.

This is SUCH a personal decision that it's hard to tell you one way or another what to do. I will tell you that you're not "too old" as I know many of my friends having kids in their early 40s. I had twins at age 37. Also, I have a 75 minute commute every day and leave the house at 5:45 a.m. and return at 6:15 pm. I'm tired a lot of the time and I have to have full time help, which is quite costly. My twins just turned 5 and I was saying that I could not even slightly imagine having another child now. Starting all over with the baby stuff now that my kids are pretty self sufficient (relatively speaking) would drive me nuts.
That being said, I'm sure if a baby came into my life, it would be a treasured gift. You really need to hammer out all these issues w/ your husband. I see both of your points of view and you just need to come up with some decision that works for both of you. Good luck...

Hi W., Beware! Think this through VERY carefully. I went through almost the exact same thing at the same age! This is what happened to me. I had two daughters almost the same age as your two. I am telling you it was almost the exact same situation as you. Before my EX and I married, He said he wasn't sure that he wanted any children, but I assured him that if he did, I would have one more. Out of the blue one day less than a year after we married he decided he did want one. I became pregnant and I happily had my first son. He immediately started getting on me to have another child. This went on and on. He started bribing me and threatening me. I had not wanted any more, but I decided to go ahead and have another one. I thought it was the best decision for my family and my son would have a sibling close in age, etc. He had agreed that he would have a vasectomy after. I had more trouble getting pregnant and suffered a miscarriage, but I finally became pregnant and had a baby girl this time. I was crushed when refused to have the V and he started bribing me and threatening me AGAIN to have another baby. This was less than a month after I had her! I refused this time. The next year was one of the worst years I have ever been through and we are now divorced, he is re-married to a young woman who got pregnant before they even married and had a son. He has a sickness. Our marriage councelor mentioned NPD. In addition, after his own children were born, he treated my children differently. I love my children dearly but this was not the life I wanted for them. I'm sure this is something you never would have thought of, but it can happen. PS It is harder when you are older and the age difference makes an even bigger challenge. Right now I have one that is getting married, one is 16 and is starting to drive and going through the teenage miseries and two young ones whom I constantly have to fight with their Dad about. Good Luck.

Well..been there..I'm 39 and have a 23 ,20, 17, and 4 year old. I told my (ex) fiance' that I did not want to have another child due to health reasons, until I graduated, completed the academy, and got into a job where they had maternity leave. He had other plans...poked holes in the condom while I was on antibiotics (weakening the BC). I have been raising her alone for over 3 years now. He's seen her four times and we haven't heard from him in over a year. He's been living with a woman for over a year and "they" are trying to have a baby. Nice. ~sarcasm

If your husband knew you did not want to have another child BEFORE you got married, don't let him bully you into changing your mind or make you feel obligated to give in. Men want children to prove their manhood and feel like they've done something, maybe the only thing, right in their lives. They try to tell you that a child proves your love for them..blah, blah, blah. Don't get me wrong, there are good guys out there (send one my way) that are going to be there for the long haul.

IF your husband really loved you, he would not be being selfish and putting your health and sanity at risk...you can always adopt or get a puppy.