How to Decide: Moving and Making It Easier on Hubby or Easier on Kids

The kids will be grown and gone before you make a decision at the rate you're going.
How about you skip it and look for a place to retire?

Newsflash: Children are adaptable and resilient. They can be happy just about anywhere as long as their basic needs are met and they feel loved and supported.

May I suggest that this is all about YOU? You seem very indecisive and difficult to please.

Good Lord I feel sorry for your husband :-(
It's time to grow up and realize that you can't have everything you want.
Your husband provides for you, he supports your choice to stay home and school your children, he pays for everything, the house, the club, the pool, everything.
I can't believe you even question not making life a little easier on him, not to mention giving him more time with his own children!
Stop being so rigid and learn how to be creative.
A home can be made anywhere, in any town, at any size, families do it all the time.
No one gets exactly what they want, I have no idea where your sense of entitlement/perfection comes from but it's not healthy, not for you, your husband or kids.
Sorry, I know this is a little rough, but COME ON.

it doesn't really matter what i say, i know, but here goes.
you like where you live.
your kids like where you live.
your husband likes it enough to a) leave it up to you without pushing for a shorter commute and b) has a plan for how to handle an addition.
you love where you live, but have this strange need to torture yourself endlessly with how 'selfish' you are and how your husband is 'suffering.'
i have no doubt that if you dropped it all and got the utopia you envision, you'd angst and 'suffer' endlessly about it too.
so my unheeded suggestion is to stay put, add on, let your husband handle his own 'suffering', and figure out how to stop seeping misery out of every pore and enjoy your considerable blessings.
khairete
S. (whose husband commutes 2-5 hours a day so that we could live and homeschool in paradise. it bugs me too, but i trust him to speak up if and when it becomse too much)
ETA i'd move in a heartbeat if my ol' man wanted to. i DO put him first. but not by second-guessing him. for the last 15 years and up to today it's been worth it to HIM. when it's not, he'll speak up and we'll move.

ETA: With as much as a "saver" as you say you are? I can't believe you are allowing your husband to waste money on his commute. Or did you buy that Tesla? Either way, wear and tear and a lot of wasted energy.

Original:

I'm sorry to be rude, but really? You are still going over this?

You don't want to move. You are being selfish. You are only thinking of yourself and what you want and what would be easy for you, i.e. home school swim classes, other home school people.

Stop making excuses. You have an excuse for everything. Enough already. You have a good idea for a business? Then stop making excuses and do it.
You want a bigger home? Stop making excuses and pining over the home that you have out-grown and make a decision.

If Tyler were commuting 4 hours a day? I know **I** would DEMAND to move. That's me.

I realize that if you were to move that he might sleep more as someone pointed out. Maybe he deserves it?

Stop making excuses and making up reasons not to move. It's time to sh*t or get off the pot as another said.

I'm sorry if this offends you. I just shake my head at the reasons and excuses you give. Enough already. Make a decision and stick with it.

So you DH has been doing this drive and sacrificing his time with to you and the kids and having any type of life out side of work for how long?

Simple - move closer to your husbands work. You think the kids rather have swim team then quality time with their dad? You can drive to your parents house and to this swim team in non peak hours. Honestly it seems like your current location is all about you at the expense of your husband and his time and health.

ETA - regarding ridiculous property taxes...have you considered how much money your throwing away on gas and wear and tear on his car? Road warriors destroy the value of their cars quickly.

Assuming his job is secure: you need to move closer to your husband's job. No one should have to make a commute like that.

Your kids can adjust to anything. The parents deserve a life too.

I wouldn't worry too much about the larger space -- In the blink of an eye, your kids will be grown, and all of a sudden any small house will look enormous. And things that once seemed important -- like swimming pools and swimming programs -- will be entirely irrelevant. And most activities only take up a couple of years in any kid's life, and then they are on to something new.

The best thing for your kids and your marriage is to have dad around, and not have him be exhausted.

I'll choose for you: move closer to dad's work. The other town sounds great.

ETA re Suz's response: If you currently live in paradise, like Suz does, and dad feels it's worth the commute to keep paradise, then stay there. If I had a farm, I'd probably stay there too. ;) But most people don't live somewhere so special they can't move.

This is a no-brainer to me, but I used to have an awful commute so I know what that is like. I say move. Once you are in your new area, if you keep your eyes and ears open, you will find the things to do. No, they won't be exactly the same as your current area. They will be different. There are some things you will miss, and you will find things that are better. But every town/community has kids and kids need pools, libraries, camps, etc. Those things are out there in the new town, you just have to find them.

I would move. Just rent for a year if you are unsure if it's the right choice. It's not like you can't move back.

Why torture yourself over a hypothetical situation? You'll never know what it's really like unless you give it a try.

Your husband should come first in all of what you guys do. He should have the shortest commute possible. You and the kids follow and adjust to the changes. It's not like you have them in public school. You can homeschool them anywhere in the world.

In another 8 years your kids will be leaving home and the big house will become a huge house with two or three people rattling around in it and the cost for utilities will be out the butt.

You would not make a military wife as we move and make a home about every four to five years with moves. Each move is a chapter in the book of life and we go on.

Have a meeting of your and hubby and put all the needs and wants of the new home on the table. Combine the lists and go from there. No home is going to be everything. Gutting a home is another year out of the house to get it right so I hope you have enough funds to live in an apartment or such and still make payments on a home.

It is time to poo or get off the pot and not write us about your proposed housing hunting of the last two years or so. All those who have come on here after you have found a place and moved on without all this drama over a house.

Having family close is nice but you may not want them living in your home as it will not be your home any longer. You will become a caregiver to them and to your children and your children deserve better as they are part of the nuclear family. Your parents are now on the outside and have a life and so does your brother. You are worrying about something that has not happened and they have prepared for it.

Sorry to be so hard and blunt but life is too short for all the unnecessary drama you create.

the other S.

Put your husband first. He will be there long after the kids are grown and off on their own. How much more will he appreciate YOU as his wife and helpmate.

You are homeschooling!! It isn't like the kids are going to lose being in a top tier school in one neighborhood vs another.

You can drive the kids to a place to swim, even if you are driving back to your YMCA it is only half of what he is doing twice a day everyday...and swim isn't everyday.

If he has been at this job 14 years obviously he likes it and he has something that in this day and age is priceless seniority!!

Make the move and make it a happy this going to be a fun adventure move!! Be happy and excited for him and the kids.

You will fill his heart with love and more appreciation for you. He wants you to make the decision because if he makes it against your wishes he will have to live with an unhappy woman and he is a wise man to not let that happen!!

My hubby used to have a big commute like that (2.5 hours one way). He couldn't stand it and it doesn't take long to burn out from it.

I suggest moving closer to work. As a homeschool parent myself its easier for you to travel to activities with the kids as your schedule is a lot more flexible. We recently moved to the country (hubby works from home now) and I meet up with our homeschool friends and travel to activities (usually about 20 to 30 minutes).

I would not want to live in a house while it was getting such a large renovation and adding a second floor means the home will be un-inhabitable for quite a while.

Its nice to have a big yard, but its also nice to have a smaller one with less maintenance and a smaller year is more incentive to get out (parks, etc.).

Could you find a home that would accommodate your parents? Maybe an extra bedroom that could be converted to their room if needed. Or is there an assisted living facility near where you want to move?

Personally I would move closer to your husbands work, no matter what sacrifices it took. Maybe you can't have your ideal house or yard, but I would rather have my husband home every night for dinner and wake up with him every morning and have breakfast. However, since you're clearly stressing about it, I would ask HIM how much he wants to have a shorter commute. I mean if he says, no biggie, I'm used to it, then you have your answer. If he says I hate it and can't do it for one more second, then you have your answer. If he truly says it's up to you, then since the kids are established and you are close to family, I would put the money into your current house and add the 200 sf or find a bigger house in that same area. Just do something and stop stressing about it. NO decision is forever. Good luck.

4 to 7 hours a day commuting. That seals the deal for me. Move. Kids will adjust. Life is about compromising. Marriage is about compromising. Time for you to consider your husband. If you chose to stay and God forbid something happened to him during his horrible commute. Could you live with your decision. Move, ASAP for the sale of your hubby. No Brainer to me.

Sigh.

It took us almost 4 years to move. Two talking about it, and then two years of hunting. It was exhausting, confusing and started a lot of arguments. I get your frustration.

One thing I don't see in your post is how you miss your husband. Meaning you WANT your husband home more, not the attitude of 'it would be nice'.

I point this out bc I wonder if the time works best for your marriage? Maybe you guys just don't need that much time together? This might work best for you guys. I mean this in a good way, and hope you are taking it this way.

You are hanging on to something that is clouding your decision making and you need to let it go.

You seem like a smart, confident and resourceful person. Now please have confidence in your decision making.

Decide on what you know NOW, not what if in the future....... LIfe is gonna change no matter what.

Your hubby leaves during rush hour because he wants to. What that tells me, J., is that he uses the commute time to be by himself and he likes it. Don't move.

First you need to sit down and pray, ponder, spend some time figuring out if you really want to move or stay.

From everything you've said you really really really don't want to leave your area. I get that okay? I hate where we moved. I hate being out in the country.

If I could go back in time and tell myself one sentence I'd do it and say "Pool all the money together from everywhere, even retirement, and pay cash for a newer better house with a finished basement".

I made a big mistake when we bought this house. It was right by my father in laws house on the side of a hill and I hate the country.

I was really happy where we were living but I felt like we should move out here. I was wrong. We could have bought a 5 bedroom 4 bathroom home with mulitple floors and a basement for less than $250,000 or less. The MOST expensive home in my town was selling for $999,999 but it's now down to about $400K. No one will spend that sort of money on that house regardless of the huge size and that it's a fancy mansion. They still haven't sold it. Most every house for sale right now is under $300K.

We could have had a wonderful house and kept the kids at the same school and invited my father in law to live with us. What a win win situation.

So I'd have rather had 20/20 hindsight and done life completely different. But now I'm stuck out here and I hate it.

So look deep J., it is worth the time to sit and visualize living in a different house. Find what your heart really wants.

While I would have initially said that moving closer to hubby's work seems like the best thing for all, your SWH puts that issue in a totally different light. If your husband has enough flexibility in his work hours that he could commute at times with less traffic and he is choosing to commute at times when he knows it will take longer, the logical conclusion is that he doesn't mind the extra time in the car. Maybe that's his time to listen to music, catch a favorite radio program, reflect/meditate, listen to a pod cast, think through a project or something that's on his mind... Even more evidence to support this conclusion, the commute isn't bothering him enough to push him into a job hunt, and in this latest iteration of the move debate, you did not say he really wants to move to reduce his commute time.

So unless he has been saying lately that the commute is wearing him down, I don't think you need to 'compromise' and move for him. You're projecting how he feels. He already has said he is willing to renovate the current house, and you like so many things about where you are. It seems like time to make your current place work for you.

Tape everything on a dart board. The things that get the most hits win?
Moving will always come with changes and challenges. It comes with it's goods and it's bads. Very rarely can you have your cake and eat it too.
You are going to have to make sacrifices no matter what you do.
I've had to live with the long work commutes of my husband. It sucked! There was a time when he left at 4 in the morning and very often didn't get home until 8 at night because of traffic or having to leave the office late! We couldn't afford the area he worked in, not in a million years. That was the beginning of re-arranging the kids' schedules so they slept later in the morning and stayed up later at night so they could spend time with their dad. We homeschool too so it worked out fine.
Kids are the most adaptable, easy to change. Your husband's work is the least adaptable and the hardest to change. If having your husband home is more important to you than your children's social calendar then your choice is to move and make everything else work. If it takes you a little more to get to things during your day then so be it. You are the ones with the more flexible schedule.

Just a thought: a shorter commute for your husband might not yield all of the "magical" things you're imagining. He might work more hours, get more sleep, etc.
How secure is his job?
Why make a big decision like housing around employment?
Seems like he's not complaining and you're close to family, including ago g parents who may require more care?
Makes no sense.
Stay put and add on.

What does your husband think about all of this?

I was told by a doctor once: make a decision and don't look back because if you do... All you get is grief.
You have been thinking about this for a very long time. It is now time to make your decision. And don't look back.
And think of this, if you can half jokingly think about moving to Iowa, then all your other arguments to yourself really don't hold much weight.
You are never going to please everyone.
Your husband is trying to please you rather than involve himself in the decision. If his commute is a drive, yes that is bad. If it's a train ride away and he chooses to drive that is a different story .
Good luck!

Kids are plenty young enough to very quickly adjust. Some people move all the time. Not like you're taking teenagers from Manhattan and moving them to a tiny farm town in the Midwest. You're way overthinking the kids. Does your husband not mind the commute? Some men dont. If he doesn't mind, then stay. If he minds, then move. We could live some place less expensive with better schools and closer to some outdoor stuff if it wasn't for my husbands commute. It would be 30-60 min. He hates that idea so I say ok. We will stay in the super expensive area we are in, more expensive than Chicago and pay for private school. I don't want to make him have a horrible commute. A commute some might not find bad but he would. And he'd miss dinner more etc. And all this despite the fact that I am by far the main breadwinner. We could retire on the money I have saved if we lived some place a tad bit cheaper. But he wants to work. So if I can yield to what makes him happier, you can too. I know plenty of people who live in odd places and somewhere the wife doesn't want to bc of the husbands job if he's the breadwinner. They adjust. There is the saying bloom where you are planted. Not like you're being asked to move across country. You're so worried about a homeschool swim team??

I vote the Iowa move. Loved when I read that option. If you don't do it now, you never will.

Your husband and you first. Then you can provide what you need to for your children and parents. The house and activities are not second or even third.

This sounds old-fashioned but my sense is that the woman is in charge of hearth and home. If she is happy the rest of the family tends to be happier.

If I were you I'd stay where you are, and only do a remodel that makes sense within the existing market. Don't overbuild and don't under-do it either.

Since your husband is putting this decision on you (or so it seems from your post) why don't you take that as a signal that he's not as invested in the decision as you are? Some men don't mind commuting. Maybe he doesn't want to be with his family as much as you think he does (and I don't mean that in a bad way). Let him have whatever feelings he has about it, and you have yours. You can't control how how feels. All you can control is you.

JMO. I'm just big on stability for kids, and as a homeschooling parent I know how important that "network" is.

ETA: I agree with Suzanne that your husband should come first. All I'm saying is that maybe he wants whatever you want the most. Make a decision and stick with it; give him peace.

You know, my husband has been out of work for some time now, but when he was working he was commuting 2 hours each way to work Monday-Friday. He would leave early in the morning to miss the traffic, but then he would have to wait until they were allowed to start clocking time to work. If moving were an option for us, I would do it. The kids would adapt and the change isn't bad.

I am kind of shocked we are still looking at this. I mean have you not gotten the advice on this issue for over a year now? Not trying to be mean - but you can only ask the same question so many ways.

Could your husband take the train rather than drive? Could your husband find a different job closer to home? Could your kids take regular swim lessons? Is there a difference between homeschool swim lessons and regular lessons?

Well, if I can be a bit blunt.. after all your posts over the course of the last year or so about should we buy, should we sell, should we build, should we get this house or that house or what should we look for, etc etc... If I were your husband, I would say no more moves until retirement TOO! I wouldn't want to go through this seemingly endless process again. EVER.

Now, that aside...
I completely understand about the commute. My husband's commute is all open driving (interstate, and state highways with mostly no traffic), and the only major back-ups are for accidents (happens once or twice a year or so). His commute takes him about 45-50 minutes. It's all miles, not traffic. So it won't get any faster if he leaves earlier or later or anything. It is what it is. And I get how much time it takes away from the rest of your lives together.

But, like someone else mentioned, your husband says he doesn't mind his commute. And his actions support his statement. My husband also said he would be ok with the commute when we moved into our current home (from one about 15-20 miles/minutes closer to his work). The trade offs were that we had access to better private schools, and closer proximity to EVERYTHING that we do as a family and the only downside was being further from his work. So we did it. We love it here. We ended up taking the kids out of private school and moving them into public school (which makes their school commute substantial now, though). And that is a challenge some days. But overall, we really like where we are. Even if we were looking TODAY, we would not be able to find a similar property closer in to our kids' schools and his work.

I know your kids are your world, and all your homeschool networking is a prized thing. I get that. (We did online school from home one year, and it was a challenge for us for the lack of networking available for our kids in their age groups in our area). But, it sounds like you could still be involved with that, just you'd be a bit further from the Y. And the Y is important b/c of swimming. But, you never know... things change. Perhaps swimming interests of your family will fade over time.
We have a pool in our back yard (in ground right off the patio, screened in). And it was amazing for the first several years we were here, when the kids were smaller. We still enjoy it (don't get me wrong), but their interest level is dramatically less than it used to be. Kids grow up and move on. So, I'm not sure how much weight I would give the Y for its pool. You know?

But as far as liquidating and moving to Iowa... honestly, now you're just talking pipe dream. B/c from the posts I've seen from you on the subject of moving (this one included), you could never do that. You have an arm-lenght long list of reasons why you can't move 30 minutes away from where you currently live... you think you could reasonably move to another STATE? Put that idea to bed, at least until your kids are grown and gone. By then, you'll be trying to figure out which child you'll want to live closest to, b/c they may all scatter and not stay within close proximity to you OR each other...

I can see the logic of not moving further away from your parents as their need of assistance my grow over time, but... why can't they move nearer to YOU, if they need you, as time goes by?
You have this huge circle of reasons (excuses?) why you shouldn't move. Either you really just don't want to (which, honestly, sounds like the case to me, but you can't say that outright, b/c you feel guilt over your husband's commute so you need to justify your wanting to stay), or you really do want to but are scared of changing anything in your life.

Change is scary. But it can be good, too.

I forget how old your children are, but while you are doing all this decision making based upon their needs, realize that they are growing up and won't stay their current ages forever. It goes by more quickly than you think. And as they grow, their needs and interests change. And honestly, as teens, they don't need as much space as they did as younger kids. They need privacy more, but not actual square footage, if that makes sense. Their toys are smaller, and you can ditch the toy boxes, b/c they don't need that anymore.
I can't even remember at this point exactly what your space issue IS with your current home. If it's school space, could you just close in your garage and make it your school space, and use your house for your living space?
I'm ready for you to s*&% or get off the pot. I'm sure your husband is ready, too.
Have you considered having an expert come look at your existing space and making suggestions on better usage of what you have vs. assuming you need to build more actual sq footage?

Hubby is not suffering, he is choosing to sit in traffic. Lets face it, he doesn't want/need as much family time as you think he does. If you moved closer to his work, he would probably find other ways to be out of the house just as much as he is now.

Remodel your house.

Hi,

Sorry - I couldn't read it all (not you, I just lose focus after a while) :)

My best advice to people who are struggling with decisions is the same advice I was given -

Wait a while.

You obviously cannot decide - in 6 months something may change.

Every time I've ever been stumped, my mother will say "Do you need to decide right now?" - and "Sleep on it". Which could be six months. It could be a year.

If the answer isn't obvious to you or your gut isn't sure - do not make the decision. It will be the wrong one.

I don't know if that helps, but feeling pressured when confused is just awful. I didn't read the whole question, so maybe you are under the gun, but if you're not - take the pressure off and see how you feel in a while.

Every time I have ever done that (left it for a while) the answer always became clear to me :)

good luck!

I'd throw the ball back into his court. How can you possibly uproot your entire life to move closer to his work if he's not completely sure he wants to stay there? Time for him to make a decision about it once and for all.

We are moving in 2 weeks and we will be 15 minutes to each of my husband's primary job sites. We're cutting his commute down by 30 minutes in each direction. I can't tell you how happy we both are about that prospect. I am leaving the friends I have made here in Westmont, which makes me sad, but I know that we have the kind of friendships where we will still make an effort even if we're living 30 minutes apart rather than 5.

To me the primary relationship we have to be concerned with is that with our spouse. All else flows from that relationship. When my husband is stressed, I'm stressed, and when I'm stressed it affects my interactions with my kids, and contributes to a cycle of increasing stress. I am so glad to ease his burden just a bit.

He's been doing 4 - 7 hours of commute time for 14 years! He!! yes, it's time to move and to make life better for your husband! If all those conveniences are so important to you, then YOU AND THE KIDS drive back to that town to do whatever fun stuff you want. What you are going to miss are all your fun activities and yes, IMHO, it is very selfish to put that before your husband. Not only is he missing the time with his family, but the stress he is under EVERY DAY with that commute it literally taking years off his life! To me, it's a no-brainer.