As some of you know from my previous posts, DH has finally returned to the work force after an extended hiatus and after going through a training program and getting his CDL, is currently doing long-haul truck driving. I posted on here a while ago about how he had hit a rough patch and was having a bad couple of days being stuck in the middle of nowhere without a load to get him out of there. He was able to get assigned a new fleet manager after it was shown that his previous one was really making life unnecessarily difficult for him. He was in a better mood after that and being home for a few days last week really helped too.
It just seems like when he's up, he's up, and when he's down, he's really down. He likes the driving part, he likes seeing different parts of the country - he's in a good mood when that is happening. He does not like it when they mess with his schedule and he feels like he is not able to get enough rest/sleep, and then he feels he is not driving safely. He also doesn't like being away from home so much and wants to try to find something local that will be safer and get him home every night. I get that it's been tough and it's been hard, and this isn't for everyone, especially long-term. I certainly don't want him to think I expect him to keep putting his life on the line just for a paycheck. The problem I am having is when he calls me and wants to talk and just does nothing but whine and complain about whatever he is dealing with at the moment. I honestly don't know how to respond. I tell him I am sorry you are going through that, that really sucks, that must be really frustrating, I understand, etc. But he still keeps going on and on and I'm left feeling like I am running out of responses and I don't know what else to say.
We talked on the phone a few times today but then when I talked to him tonight after getting our daughter off to bed, he kept me on the phone for almost an hour, pretty much venting about he was dealing with when he made his delivery. I felt like all I could was sit and listen and let him spew, but then he still said he felt like I didn't really understand and I wasn't being sympathetic enough. I told him I that I get it, I just don't always know what to say, or really, what he WANTS me to say, honestly. I also said that he was the one who had been talking about quitting not that long ago and it made me stressed out and nervous to hear him talk like that, since he may not have an easy time of it finding something local like he wants (truth is, I often hated having him home all the time, drove me nuts!). Then he said, "Well, that seems to make you more stressed out than the idea that I could die in an accident that could be the result of being deprived of sleep!" And I told him that wasn't it at all, that I get it, he's unhappy, the company doesn't seem to care about the drivers, he misses us, and so on. I reminded him that I was stressed out today knowing he was driving toward DFW and scheduled to make a delivery and the area was being struck by tornadoes. Same thing a month ago when he was in TN and AL, during another tornado outbreak.
I guess what is hard for me is trying to be sympathetic while sometimes feeling like he just needs to stop being a whiny pants and suck it up. Or if he knows he wants something local, than fine, start looking when you can. He doesn't seem to want my advice, and I don't even know what advice to give him if he does want it. My mother used to tell me she thought it was great that DH would tell me what was on his mind and what was bothering him, because my dad would not - he would just keep it all bottled up and then lose his temper for no reason. But sometimes it just feels like too much and it wears on my nerves. It's like when men get a cold and act like they are falling apart. Does anyone else deal with this with their husbands? And am I being an awful person for not always sounding as sympathetic as maybe I should? I do tell him all the time how much I love him and appreciate him and what he is doing but it's like it's not enough! I can't be a cheerleader all the time!
Guess I kinda needed to vent too...but I've always been naturally more independent and being alone has never bothered me that much.
Just wanted to say THANK YOU to those whose responses really helped me feel better! The last thing I wanted was to feel judged for not being a total cheerleader to him but at the same time I got some great advice on how to best deal with him when he gets this way. So much of it really is his personality, he unfortunately tends to see the negative in a lot of things and gripe about it all the time. And I realized that a lot of the times I do feel like I have to "mother" him, especially since he was out of work, I had to focus more on being the main "breadwinner" and yet somehow I am supposed to be supportive and not make him feel bad about sitting around house, depressed, not knowing what he wants to do next. This experience has given me a lot to think about, and discuss with him at a better time. Meaning, I want to make our marriage better but try to get him to see that he needs to stop expecting me to take care of everything, including him. I have talked to him a few times today, told I was sorry for not sounding as sympathetic as he wanted me to, and he seemed a bit better, though he was still complaining about all the other crap he's dealt with today because of this job. I did tell him if he really felt he would be better off trying to find a local job that would be fine, but I was not going to let him just sit around the house again and wonder when he was going to make up his mind to get back in the swing of things!
And yes, I know EXACTLY what a "lot lizard" is, but NO, I am not really concerned that DH is going to hook up with one. I know nothing is impossible, but he is seriously the last guy in the world that would cheat on his wife. And he certainly has no desire to get his jollies with some crack-whore prostitute. They learned in the class that he took that it is also considered a federal offense if they get caught and that can mean hefty fines and jail time. He told me that he actually has not seen anyone resembling a "lot lizard" making the rounds any place he has stopped but that they were told that often there will be undercover cops patrolling the areas, waiting to catch someone trying to score - and that basically, if she has all her teeth, she's a cop. ;)
But yeah, he's always kinda been this way...same thing when he was in car sales before. He didn't have the best upbringing or a stellar example of a mother and while I don't use that as an excuse, it does help to remember that he is a product of his environment and his dysfunctional childhood. He is 44 years old and sometimes I still feel like I am dealing with a 12 year old because in some ways, that is where he is "stuck", and he is still not sure what he wants to be when he grows up. ;)
Was he like this before you married him? If so, it is probably just his personality and won't be something that can be changed.
He wants exactly what women want when they complain about their day.
Listen and sympathize.
Just part of the marital contract - it's in the small print.
Here's a few examples I use:
"That sucks."
"I'm sorry, that's awful."
"Sheesh, as if you didn't have enough on your plate!"
"That guy sounds like an *@#%$#@%"
Remember - actions speak louder than words, so let me point out three of his recent actions:
1) he calls.
2) He calls you and not someone else.
3) He took a job away from home.
So yeah, I agree - spousal whining can get carried away. But as a spouse and partner in life - I cut ALOT more slack about what I consider whiny when its the woman I created a family with. :)
I've been thinking about truckers a lot since I saw the pictures of the flying semis in Dallas yesterday.
Generally speaking (or generalizationally speaking, more likely), men have different meltdowns than women do. It seems women can charge forward and get through a crisis - and then go to pieces after it's done. Men seem to go to pieces before or during.
It also appears that women identify their value with their families, even though they may do other work as well. Men, even those who love their families, tend to identify their value with their work. Not that they'll say so. When they have no work, they feel they have no value. When they get work again, all the anxiety is there and they're wondering if they can succeed this time or if they'll still be worthless.
It could be that your husband's venting is just a way of saying, "Am I ever going to be somebody important?" It may sound childish, but it may not be any more childish than the complaining we do - say, right here. And of course we're perfectly justified, right?
It can be hard to deal with a grownup who sounds like a high school kid. Is there any way you can take the initiative? When he calls, can you say, "I'm glad you're all right. What's been the best thing that has happened today so far?" Try to lead the conversation. Maybe you can help him get focused on the good things and not the bad ones.
You definitely want to avoid the "You don't understand me" and "Look what I've done for you" babble that happens when people's feelings are way ahead of their brains. That's the time you must both agree to cut off the conversation, say "I love you and I'll talk to you tomorrow," and be done with it before any damage happens.
It's worth a try. I'm married to a chronically negative person, and sometimes I have to ask him (smiling) if he'd like some cheese with his whine, or if anything good *ever* happens! Sometimes I can get him talking about facts instead of about his feelings. I try to let him realize that he's a very important person no matter what, although I'm never quite sure if it gets through.
Being a cheerleader is a very demanding job. But it should be written into the marriage vows.
Aaaaw, you're the best, K. "Whiny-Pants"? BAHAWAHA!!!
But really, this is the reason we're called WO-man, not because we cause them WOE, but because we are required to absorb their woe!
My guy is very high maintenence, needs a lot of coddling. I'm good at it and I like it so it works. Course, he is very appreciative of it as well. However, he is NOT very reciprocal, sigh. I THINK it's because I do SO MUCH CODDLING he just assumes I have Super Strength and don't NEED any coddling.
So no, you are not being 'awful', even YOU can not be perfect 100% of the time.
I'm sure you'll make it up to him, right? In the end, you'll be there for each other.
:)
I understand how hard it must be. I think I do that to my husband sometimes. Because really, that's what it sounds like: the reverse of what is typical--- the men usually don't want to listen to us women talk/vent, because they want to DO something about it, not just listen, when all we women really want is for them to listen and HEAR us, not fix it. If you take a step back, that sounds like exactly what is going on with you two. :/
It also sounds like he is very lonely. My husband HATES to be on the telephone. Really, he does. But I also know how lonely he is when I am away with the kids visiting family when he hasn't been able to go with us b/c of his job. He is left in this house and nobody else making noise or talking or anything. Just deaf and dumb walls. Well, and maybe the dog--who mopes and only wants to lie out on the sidewalk and watch for my car to return up the driveway (so he tells me).
It is really sad for him.
So maybe your husband is just lonely. And being lonely makes all the downside of his job just seem exacerbated. It sounds like he needs something to occupy his mind when he has downtime while he is on the road. Any ideas with that? Does he like music? Or movies?
Maybe you could plan a night when you both have the same DVD on and watch it together in different places (while on the phone)...you know... phone movies! Or Maybe you could put together a playlist of some meaningful songs (even funny ones) that he has instructions to ONLY listen to it on "night # 4" away (or some pre-designated place on his route). Something to distract him during his idle time. Does he like to read? You could read novels together, like your own private book club.
And no, you are not an awful person at all. You are overwhelmed, because YOU can't fix it, and you have your hands full at home while he's away. So who do YOU get to whine to? Oops...... to US! :)) Wish I could fix it for you. :/
Maybe you could make up a list of "other" subjects to talk about, so when he calls, you can listen for a certain amount of time, and a certain amount of sympathetic comments and then "OH! I almost forgot to mention--- ________" and change the subject. Get his mind off the negative and on to something more positive and uplifting. :)
At least he is working now. :/
After reading several of your posts I sometimes get the feeling that you and your husband are locked in a quasi parent-child relationship. He seems to need alot of "mommying" from you.
As someone who is married to a very strong, independent person, I catch myself doing that with my husband, i.e., he's "daddying" (plus he's older than me so that makes it even worse). It's just so easy to lean on him.
I think we all do a little bit of "parenting" with our spouses at different points in our lives. It's not a problem unless it's constantly one-sided.
With my own husband I've finally realized that I need to be an equal partner. He's not responsible for my happiness - I am. We do better when we complement each other - not feed off each other like parasites. My husband, likewise, has had to let go of some of his desire to do it all. It's been better for him too.
We went to counseling for awhile which really helped alot.
It also helps if you stop treating him as "wounded." I don't like when my husband makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem. Ummm no, when one of us has a problem we both have a problem.
Good luck.
PS: He needs to understand that it's not appropriate to lean on you like a parent (constantly). Venting is fine. But there is a limit. You guys are a team, each responsible for your own things.
You sound like me. I can take a bit of moaning, groaning whining and bit@#ing and then I am done.
A few nights a few calls.. But then I am ready for them to either suck it up or move on.
Here is how I would answer..
I am so so sorry.
That sounds frustrating.
Boy you are putting up with a lot..
Then I would move onto..
How can you make this better?
Who can you speak with about this?
What would be a good solution?
What are some other things that can be done about this?
I know you can solve this.
You are good at problem solving, lets think about this.
I am like you, can also handle being on my own if I have a goal. Or if I know when I am going to see my family again..
I like to keep my eye on the ball and accomplish each project.
Maybe help your husband remember what the big goal is.
My husband has not been happy about his work for years, but our goal was to get our daughter through college and then he could start looking for a different job. Recently he told me he just needs a few years to get his retirement where he is at, so he wants to go for that, but just in a different area than where he is right now..
Maybe help your husband reach a goal.. Short term.. then another.. so each time, he is accomplishing something.
Hang in there. Vent to us....
He is adjusting the world of truck driving. Yes, it is lonely on the road and yes there are those dispatchers that are a pain in the rear and the delivery destination has its own characters. Sometimes it is hard to fall asleep and get the rest needed with the regulations that are now put into place. Then there the road checks, the load checks, the equipment checks, and the logs (time on/off) and such. If you know where your husband is driving and can watch the weather and let him know ahead of time he can adjust his driving to "avoid" the bad weather.
You two live different lives right now and both are adjusting to being apart. He is now realizing just how much he took for granted. If he can hang on to this gig for two years he can probably get something local and be home at night. Many local companies want their drivers to have the over the road experience.
Does your hubby have a mirowave and frig in the cab? He could buy food items and heat them up and save a few bucks that way.
This maybe the turning point in your marriage about how you each handle things and where you guys want to go in the future. When he is home and rested have a talk about your future goals. This will give him something to work towards as well as you so that you are on the same page in life.
Good luck to both of you. I have been the military wife, the over the road wife (spent two weeks on the road) and now the caregiver wife. So do count your blessings and do tell him you love and miss him. I used to make up little cards or special note and put them in the truck for him to find.
the other S.
PS Feel free to pm if you wish.
oooooo. i have no problem with venting (my husband's job is very stressful, and part of my method of supporting him is to listen carefully and patiently ever night when he gets home), and i mostly do the mirroring thing, where i respond with what i think his main concern is and see if i'm understanding him correctly. he's not looking for solutions from me, just a sounding board. but it crosses over into whining when it's endless AND he has specific responses that he's eliciting from you and getting angry because you're not cooperating.
and it sounds like the only response he'll find acceptable is 'oh, sweetheart! there's no WAY you should have to put up with that! quit RIGHT NOW and come home so i can support you for another few years!'
he's a grown man. he shouldn't need this constant stroking and encouraging and supporting and fluffing. hell, it's bad for kids to do that for them.
you are way nicer than i am, hon, and i've thought that for a long time. i sure hope you are able to find a way to continue to be supportive of him without constantly having to wrench yourself into pretzels and do all the work (literally) yourself. i hope he ends up being worthy of you.
khairete
S.
Better find a way to get that loving feeling for your man. If you can't support him, there are helluva lot of "Lot Lizards" out there who probably won't have any problems helping him cope with the job. If you don't know what that is, best educate yourself by googling it. You're in for a real education.
As another mentioned, when these guys don't get support at home, they eventually find it somewhere else. Booze, drugs, babes....it's all part of trucker culture.
And he could die at the wheel if he's sleep deprived. It happens daily. Just google it. You'll find stories in several states, everyday. He's not over-reacting. That's why they turn to drugs,to stay awake.
Sounds to me like you're missing some real important red flags here. If you ignore them, don't be surprised if things turn out for the worst somewhere down the line.
He's sinking, calling for help, and you're ready leave him "emotionally" because you don't want to hear that he may want to find a different job. Might just be the best thing for the both of you IMO.
Hi DVMom,
It is hard being the stronger person in the relationship. You understand his needs and understand he is needy but WHEN do you get to be weak??
The burden you feel of having to ALWAYS be the voice of reason, the go to person for all your family emotional stability, the one that is always in control is exhausting. I UNDERSTAND!!
That is probably also the reason you two have made it work in your relationship, you are different.
It is hard to nurture a grown up ALL THE TIME! Especially when you are not being reciprocated.
I am glad you are able to vent here, it does help. I am sure after this vent and hearing the responses you will be able to continue to be the supportive wife that you have always been.
I think some of the responses are mean. BUT that is mamapedia for you! Some people are always negative. You are a smart enough girl to not take it personally! Some of these people would give their left arm to have your relationship, and the second they see you are weak, they will strike at your heart!! Don't let it bother you! Even if they had your life they would mess that up too!! (Sorry could not help that one) :oP
I will pray for you two to be able to communicate better and that your husband finds a way to work this out or find something closer to home.
Blessings to you!!!!
D.
Sounds like he is fishing for a couple more years of hanging around the house...outta work!
Oh, mine too, sister. 'Round here it's "Waaa, waaa, I feel alienated in New Jersey. Waaa waaa, nobody in the area shares 100 percent of my political/philosophical beliefs, so I'm friendless and alone in the world. Waaa, waaa, my boss doesn't understand and appreciate me. Waaa waaa, in fact I feel alienated by the entire United States. And oh by the way, waaa waaa, I have a slight sore throat." I swear, these are the things he says.
I do NOT have a magic bullet on this, but the bargain I've made with myself is that if I give him a pound of sympathy, I'm allowed to give at least an ounce of tough love. Which goes down much easier, for him, post-sympathy. I've also tried this sort of BS (to me) line about "Yes, it's a tough, alienating world out there. You're a survivor for getting this far. Now take those survivor skills just one step further, okay?" -- the kind of thing I'd use on a melodramatic teenage girl. But its' been known to work.
GIRL, I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS EXACT MESSAGE! :-) I am so excited to know I am not the only person who deals with this at home and during the week. My husband is also a trucker, who complains. He works for an Owner/Operator but drives for B&W in T.. He used to drive for Swift Transportation, and his manager there was horrible to him.
I also get stuck on the phone with my husband several times a day for long periods of time all while trying to maintain a house and keep up with the needs of our 5 month old daughter.
I often get frustrated and let my husband know that I have no problem being a sounding board for him but HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO BRING HIS attitude home with him on the weekends when he does come home.
