True Confession

Ugh. Sorry.
Kids. It's why some animals eat their young!
I think you have to find her " thing."
You know--the THING that she worships above all else.
Could be a sport, having friends over, an electronic device/phone--whatever it us she HAS to have/do.
Noncompliance results in losing that THING for x amount if time.
No yelling, nagging, begging.
Explain the new rule. Give her a task. Implement consequence. Quietly and consistently.
Good luck!

Don't feel bad- many parents often love their children but don't "like" them. It sounds like normal teenage stuff to me. Be firm, set consequences, and don't feel bad- I hear the teen years can be hellish.

IMO, it might just be her personality to act the way she does. That being said, I'd love to ignore people when I felt like it, tell people to go to H., not do what is asked or required of me and MANY other things. But I don't because it's rude and nasty and selfish. So unless she plans to live alone in the woods, she needs to understand that acting a certain way is part of society and its norms.

Maybe explain to her how what she does and doesn't do effects not only those around her but how she is viewed by those around her.

Good luck!!

Aww sweetie, I'm sorry. Those who would rip you a new one for your post here are people who either don't have teens, or their teens were perfect. As a mother of one teen and one who is older but STILL sometimes reverts to acting like a teen, you go right ahead and vent...

I'm sure my mom wanted to leave me for bears or wolves or just woodpeckers when I was 11 - 16. It is very hard when one kid just "works" and one is a constant challenge. Mom and I were too alike and fought all the time. All the counselors said I was just being a teen. One of MY problems was that my mom, much as I love her, struggled hard to be consistent and to raise 2 kids alone, so I never knew what my role was. My sister was the good one.

Have you tried reading up on difficult children or using strategies from How To Talk So Kids Will Listen? She might do well with natural consequences vs straight up discipline. No laundry done? No clothes to wear. Etc.

IMO, you don't hate your child. You just find her very difficult to deal with. You hate her behavior. I cannot blame you for that and it makes you human, not rotten.

Hang in there. I managed to even out and I think Mom even likes me now. ;)

Honestly, I think you two need some girl time so you have a chance to reconnect. Do something fun together like go to an amusement park or hang out in a hot tub at a local hotel for the night. Learn to pick your battles. I jokingly (well half jokingly) tell my oldest that I fear she will grow up to be a hoarder. She thinks I am a neat freak. We could fight all day long because of her lack of neatness and my desire to have a orderly house but I try really hard to focus on the fact that she is a good student, has nice friends, is really motivated when it comes to theatre stuff etc. Overall, I acknowledge that my daughter is a really great person that is well liked by her teachers and peers and other than her lack of neatness she is a complete joy to be around. I focus on that because I think it is most important that I have a great relationship with her and that we remain close particularly through her teenage years.

You need to be your daughter's biggest fan. My daughter has several friends that want to go as far away as possible for college just to get away from their parents. Sad!!! I am sure you don't want that.

Your time is so limited with your daughter. Use your time wisely and focus on things that really matter.

I buried my son and I can tell you that going through that really puts things in perspective. The things you are describing are normal behaviors and will pass. Enjoy her before she grows up and moves out.

Eh, don't feel bad. I've hated all three of my kids (and my husband) at one point or another. Doesn't make you a bad mother - just makes you human. You have limits too.

The next time she's having a temper tantrum you can say, "You are after me right now to get what you want and I want you to know that is not going to happen. You still have to do xyz. Or the answer is still no." And say it without anger. Be matter of fact. If she doesn't do what is expected, there are consequences and stick to them. If she wants something that you aren't going to buy, tell her to save her money.

And here's a weird little exercise that I picked up from a Parenting Seminar by Charlene C. Wenc. Compliment your kids 5 times a day for 2 weeks. Say things like "I like ....." or "I appreciate...." Little things like a smile or a joke or that you put your dish in the dishwasher or picked up your socks. You will struggle to find something positive at first.

I say it's weird, because when I was going through some challenging times with my teen and tween, I did this even though I thought it would not work. It did work. I was astounded to have my kids be more cooperative and pleasant. I also upped my usage of please and more importantly, thank you. My teen rolled her eyes at first and didn't respond, but she did start doing what I asked her to do without a struggle.

I'm not saying that everything is perfect, but it's better. I still try to do the compliment thing once or twice a day.

good luck!

Oh yeah, I'm totally with you!!!! I have been HATING my oldest (and only girl) this summer. My 12 yr old DD is defiant most of the time, and does the smiling/okay/ignoring thing the rest of the time. Either way, she does the opposite of what I want her to do.

Summer just sucks! All of her friends have working moms so they're with nannies or at the Y all day. We can't afford to put her in $100+ per week camps or pay for expensive pool passes, so we're just MISERABLE!!!

My almost 9 yr old son is so much more mature than her. It kills me. The youngest is very much like her, but also very sweet where she is almost never sweet.

I can hardly wait for school to start.

There is not a mother on earth who could judge your feelings.

I've found the teen years to be surprisingly similar to the toddler years when it comes to sudden mood swings. The great thing about teens is they have lots of cool stuff to take away. Don't play into the drama one little bit, hand down swift, firm consequences and go about your business.

The most important thing to do is create nag free, tantrum free time for just the two of you. Find some things to do with her that she enjoys and will help remind you why you love her. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, just try to build some good times up to counteract the negative ones.

Remember if you feel this upset about the way she acts she must feel very bad about herself. It's no fun being a jerk. Try to remember it's a very small step from raging, unmotivated teen to scared, overwhelmed little girl.

I just picked up the book again Teach Your Children Well. It says how ages of about 5-10 are a break between toddler demands and teen angst. I think it's such a great book. I don't have Tweens yet so maybe it's not so great in practice but it makes a lot of sense right now. She also wrote The Price of Privilege. Such a fantastic book. A lot of it is about letting our kids be during these crucial and difficult years. They need time to form a sense of self. There's so much pressure nowadays and she argues it's way too much. Maybe books like these or others would be helpful. Sometimes just reading about your issues helps even if it doesn't solve things. The fact that so many books are written means you're not alone.

Oh honey you are so not alone. My older daughter (18) and I are like oil and water. She gets bent out of shape over NOTHING, thinks I am the most embarrassing person in the world and never wants to help and be kind until I enforce consequences and it makes me crazy. My younger one (15) is a lot more compliant but even she has her issues. Some teenagers are great but honestly for many of us these are the hardest and most trying years of parenting. Hang in there, they do a lot of growing and maturing once they go off to college and things DO get better!!!

Wow, you must be so frustrated! I can totally hear it in your post. I have a 16 yo and a 12 yo, both girls. My older one is very helpful and responsible. The other one is a bit of a slug and doesn't always pull her weight. Not mear the severity you describe though.

I agree with B. you need to hand down some serious consequences. If you are tired of nagging... don't. Have a family meeting. Agree to, and write down the house rules and consequences, then post it on the kitchen wall. She will never again be unclear of what is expected of her or what the consequences will be if she doesn't abide and participate. I realize the hardest part is actually sticking to it - the real secret to good parenting is CONSISTANCY (I know, easier said than done). Try just a few things/rules and add to it as you go along.

You are not alone in your frustrations! And you are not a horrible person. Hang in there!!

This is why I worked outside of the home for most of my adult life. I had to have a life outside of the kids. I was able to enjoy them so much more.

Just tonight I was getting mad at the 10 year old, she was literally bouncing off the walls. She was flipping across the living room floor and giggling the whole time. I was turning into a pumpkin and ready to go to bed. It got to where I was yelling.

She would lay on the floor and giggle then hop up and go flipping again. She's a tumbler and very good. As she was sitting in front of the couch on the floor I tried the parenting stuff.

"Where are you supposed to be"? She ignored me

"What are you supposed to be doing"? She says, Sitting here being beautiful.

I tried really really hard to hide my giggles but ended up snickering and then it was lost.

She went to bed in a few minutes but I know she'll remember the giggles for a long time.

My temper almost ruined a little bit of sunshine I got to have.

My kids are young but some days I can't help but think damn you are annoying when one of them so much as looks at me. That's just how it goes. I'm sure I'm going to have days of great dislike when my oldest gets to the teen years...she already gets huffy when asked to do something and acts very put upon when she has to do something as easy as feed her dog so I'm guessing the bad attitude will only get worse when she is a teen.

Happily most people mature and become not just tolerable but likeable as well.

Just curious... what are the consequences when she doesn't do what you tell her to? And... does she accept these consequences and just go on?

If so, maybe you need to change the consequence for not doing something you've told her to do.

I'm not criticizing you.. far from it.... but look at it this way.... why SHOULD she do something she doesn't want to do if there is no consequence for not doing it?

And... I have a feeling you are FAR from alone with these feelings!

I've raised my kids through their teens, and I work with teens for a living. Teenagers can be pretty hateful. The main thing I want to offer is this: This wonderful thing happens one day, where they start to mature. And almost magically, with time, the annoying behavior goes away.

With girls the worst ages are typically about 13-16, with boys it's typically a couple of years later.

There is light at the end of this tunnel. I must say, though, smiling, saying okay and ignoring doesn't sound like the worst thing I've ever heard a kid do.

Yes, my 6 yr old. I do love her but the way she behaves and acts like she has total disregard for everyone around her....... She is like that child playing with your child that you really REALLY want to send home. But I can't because she is mine. She will not behave, she takes things that are not hers and thinks nothing of it. She lies about a lot She takes off. Yesterday I had to go looking for her, again. It is a constant battle. And she is very smart.

For the record, I did try to get her in to a doc for some help--even how to handle her--but timing just does not work. I just started a job so I cannot take off.

It can be hard.

Don't feel bad. I think we all have felt that way. My oldest son was the one for me. I could not take being around him for a few years. Fast forward, he is the greatest guy. We have an awesome relationship. He is married with four kids. He is very successful. What made me crazy is what has made him successful!!!! Teens are tough. You need to get tough. Tough love works.

Well, probably, nine-year-old sister is more mature and responsible because she isn't a young teen yet. Sorry, but that may be the case.

I don't think you hate your older daughter. You're confused, frustrated, and a little desperate. I think you don't LIKE her very much right now. She probably doesn't like you a whole lot either. That goes with the young teen territory.

What are the consequences for her substandard behavior at home? If the main consequence is listening to a lecture from Mama, you need to get a better one than that, because it's not working! It sounds as if she's using passive-aggressive tactics on you - being "nice" and agreeable, but steadfastly refusing to do what you ask. Call her on that. When it comes to having a good effect, meaningful consequences beat nagging every day.

If it were me, I'd call the therapist back and say, "I've changed my question. I don't want to know how to change my daughter. I want to know how to change myself." You want to talk to the therapist about the fact that you want to quit the nagging forever and need to know what to do instead.

Pretend that you like your daughter. Really. Pretending can sometimes help. Smile and say, "Good morning," to her when she gets up, no matter what her response is. Be sure you say "I love you" (not "I love you BUT") to her at least twice a day, no matter how she behaves and no matter how you feel.

Did I ever feel that way about my children? You bet. But we survived. You will, too.

Ooooh yikes She's wearing the pants. I don't blame you for hating her! My kids aren't teens yet, but if they act this way I'll hate it and I have friends with teens who act this way-and I hate them!!! Not really, but in the context of what we're all saying here...

Sounds like you need to take a cue from her. Smile, say okay, and go strip her room of every little thing she likes until she earns it back with respect, not picking fights with her sister, contributing to the family and not tantrumming. One week of good behavior in each department wins back another favorite outfit, favorite lamp, an electronic...whatever floats her boat. She sounds MIGHTY comfortable completely disregarding you. I was a difficult teen and HOOOO WEEEE my parents dealt some CONSEQUENCES. I never got very far with the bad behavior as a result. And heck no I did not defy them outright. I would have come home from school to find every one of my favorite things gone from my room and squarely in the trash and my grocery bagging work hours increased and my unpleasant chore list stacked up....and..god knows what else....

So I just kept in line pretty much. My parents literally never nagged that I can remember. They took immediate scary action.

What you describe in your post is a lot like the teens on that show World's Strictest Parents where the troubled teens go live with various strict (usually) Christian parents for a while. You can stream those episodes live and see some really nice turn arounds in behavior from loving and effective actions. Good luck and hang in there!

I think this is normal. We are working hard with my 11 yo right now. He has gotten so mouthy that almost daily, and several times a day, we are on him. Now if he smarts off, rolls his eyes, or anything else that isn't the right response, we tell him immediately to do 50 jumping jacks. If he says more or doesn't immediately start to do them, then we keep adding 50 at a time. It has worked so far. My husband says if we don't get him under control now it will be H. when he's a teen, which is true.

What I have learned is that there is no, I'll do it later mom. No. You will do it now. And now at 11 and 14 they do that. We started by saying, you need to take out the trash. We got, ok. But it wasn't getting done then the yelling started. So then we changed it to, you need to take out the trash, this is the ONLY time I will tell you. If it is not done by the time you go to bed, you will lose ALL electronics tomorrow. Do you understand? THIS HAS WORKED! But of course you must FOLLOW THROUGH!!!

So it sounds like you need to start some tough love and do what you say you are going to do. Good luck.
So

It's not you or your daughter, it's her age. I was a high school teacher but due to military life had to sub after each move until I got hired. I never looked forward to the days of subbing for Jr. High. Those Jr. High girls are just plain evil. There were the evil ones and the victims of the evil ones. And I imagine the victims of the evil ones took it all out on their parents when they got home.

But... I always treated those evil little girls as gently as I could, because as many different schools as I subbed in, in as many different states as I lived in, it never changed. The girls were all the same. And that meant something. They weren't acting that way because they were evil (well, maybe a little bit), but because they were all at the same time going through the craziest, most emotion-filled changes in their lives. They have no idea what's going on with their out of control--hormone influenced-emotions, and have no idea how to reign them, so they lash out the nearest victim, which happens to be their friends, or at home, MOM!

Trust me, your daughter is not unique. She's acting this way (I imagine) because she's dealing with all kids of new emotions and she doesn't have a clue how to handle them, like one long P.M.S trip! She's changing from a kid to a teenager and doesn't know her role in the family or in her society anymore. Help her learn relaxation techniques, how to calm herself down when she's feeling mad at her sister or how to step away. And help her find her new role as a teen by making a big deal about new privileges but explaining it also means acting more mature. Even my 8 yr old acted similarly as we expected more responsibility from her until we sat down with her and explained that she had also gained more privileges as well.

I hope that all helps. You're not alone. I haven't been there yet with my own kid, but I sure did want to strangle half a dozen necks of other people's kids! Try talking about feelings instead behavior one day when things are going well and maybe something will come out. Also, maybe you could have some fun mother daughter dates with her to strengthen your bond with her again. Sounds like you really need that. You don't have to go anywhere, maybe little things, like doing each others nails.

I heard somewhere that babies become tantruming toddlers so that they can gain independence from their parents enough to become kids, and kids become insufferable teenagers so they can gain independence enough to become adults.

So maybe loathing your kiddos personality at those ages (toddler and teen) is biologically necessary, otherwise you would want to keep them too close and they wouldn't be able to grow up and become individuals separate from their parents.

You're not a rotten mother. You don't hate her. Her personality right now is just grating.

I do love the idea from Jubee to make yourself compliment her 5 times a day and seeing if that makes a difference. Couldn't hurt, right?

I feel hate towards my oldest sometimes. She is just so.....you know, worth strangling :-). I love her and am totally amazed by her..but some days? I think she is...well. I just won't say :-)

While her younger brother is charming even when being a pain. It amazes me that my kids can bring out such different emotions in me. They are just so different...and now my third? She's going to be my heart attack. I thought the first was fearless. My god. This one? Totally insane. She's sweetl. They don't get much sweeter, but a real climber, with no fear.

But yes, I feel hate, and I cry a lot about it. She's just exhausting.

If it hasn't happened yet, your hormones will change and chances are, others will feel the same way about you.

Slow down and try a different approach than what you have been doing.

I think we all feel that way sometimes. I get really annoyed with my almost 12 years olds attitude and her behavior to her brother (9).
I have to put myself in a time out sometimes.
Good luck and many blessings

I just read this & can totally relate. My 7 year old is a spoiled brat (mostly because of her father). She is an only child so he feels he has to give her everything she asks for & even things she doesn't. I had this conversation with my best friend the other day & asked her if its normal to hate your kid & she is with us that yes its normal. I work now (thank god) & maybe that's why she is rotten to me, part of me thinks she resents me for working. When I was a stay at home mom & was just me and her & she got all my attention, now I work 3-5 days a week and I don't see her a lot. I don't know, I have said that I love you but don't like you & its mainly her behavior. My husband tells me I am a bad person for feeling that way but she is different with me than him. He lets her do whatever so I have to be the responsible one with rules. Anyway you are not a bad person because tons of us feel the same way its just most moms won't say it out loud. You should check out scarymommy.com you could totally relate.