Tring to Rekindle the Flame We Had So Many Years Ago

Ya know you cheated on him, apparently a lot, now you are complaining he brings it up. You did notice in the beginning he didn't bring it up, right? What do you think changed, I will help you here, you kept doing it. You are the boy that cried wolf, no one believes you anymore. That is a reasonable place for him to be in.

If you want him to trust you again you need to not cheat, forever. Eventually he will see you changed or find out you didn't.

Seriously people "do me" means have sex. Lord! No one threatened her.

He is going to do you?

As in, he is going to have sex with you...OR...as in, he is going to cheat on you, like you did him...OR..as in, he is going to be selfish and do what he wants, like you did.

That is what I think of when I read the words you wrote "he is going to do me"

It's because, for whatever reason, it's NOT in the past.

He's feeling something right then and there that is making it his present.

If you're getting help for your PTSD, you're probably familiar with triggers? Something that you've done, or something in his life, is triggering those memories.

And it's not in the past if the same behaviors are ongoing. It doesn' thave to be you actually cheating on him... it can just be something as simple as ACTING the same way you did when you were cheating on him.

He won't forget the past. Ever. Not without traumatic brain injury.

We often forgive the past, but we don't forget it. And most people have a finite limit of forgiveness.

Same token... the "average" for things to go back to normal is statistically 2-5 years.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Tons of reading, and a whole message board just for those who cheated to get a better understanding of what their spouse is going through, and will be going through, for some time.

I'm amazed he is still with you. I don't think there is anything you can do to make him not resent you, except to be consistently honest, compassionate and sane. Some professional marriage and personal counseling may work, but even then, I don't know, especially with the other issues you are dealing with.

Forgetting the past seems like a tall order. I'm not sure I could forget if I were in your husband's shoes. Still, if he wants to move forward and you want to move forward, the best way to do so is to rebuild trust. From my perspective, that starts with some serious marriage counseling. I'm sure that you both will have issues to work through, and counseling seems like a great place to start.

This sounds like a cry for help....if you think you are in danger in any way, you need to go to a shelter, seek immediate medical help and perhaps talk with the local police regarding what you refer to as "He is going to do me".

Your problem/situation sounds far more complicated, desperate and perhaps time sensative then what the mamas on this site can help you resolve. Please get some professional advice/help right now.

Blessings.....

You can't get him to forget the past but you can make the present more fun for him to focus on. Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It sounds like you need to focus on what you can do to make your husband's day everyday. What do you do that makes him feel like he is the most important person in the world? If you do this everyday, you will find that it will raise your spirits as well. Doing something for others, instead of focusing on ourselves, brings warm fuzzies into our lives.

When he brings up the past, don't let it get to you. Instead, say something calmly (with a smile) like, "But I am a different person today" and then rub his back or offer to bring him a snack or a drink. Distraction is easy if you know what he likes.

Matters how long ago in them past this has been. You can't be giving us a "it matters what the definition of "is" is" speech. If this was 7 days ago... Ummmm not in the past! If the last time was 7 years ago... Yea... Well some people do have a problem not bringing things up in the heat of the moment. He will never forget it, he has to forgive you, and as a wise counselor once told me, forgiving is not forgetting, but keeping your mouth shut about whatever that transgression was.

I'm sorry to hear you all have had some tough times but I applaud you both for staying committed to your marriage! That's impressive these days. He clearly still has a lack of trust and he is bringing up the past as a defense mechanism. Don't get angry when he does this. Maybe just follow up with a quick comment like, "what I have done in the past was wrong but I can assure you that behavior is long gone and I am committed to you and our relationship." He has lost trust in you and trust can take years to get back. So, don't worry to much about his comments (unless he is being nasty about it) and remind him to focus on the future. And you can focus on being the best wife you can be. Again, good for you guys! I'm glad you are getting the help you need!

Yes it will take counsoling and a lot of re- building trust in your relationship. The best thing you can do for him is build him up, make him important, send flowers, cards, build his self esteem, encourage him to talk about his anger and his feelings as to how it affected him in a safe enviorment. You can turn this around with a lot of prayer, encouragement, and counsoling.

I think what he means by "I'm going to do me" is that he is going to focus on himself, what he wants, what he needs and pretty much do what he feels is best right now. Like all the others have said, you have hurt him pretty badly and you need to find a way to let him know that you are there for him, and arent going to keep repeating the past. You cant make him forget, you can only help him deal with the way he feels.

You have received some great advice here, I can only suggest that you take it to heart and listen to them.

Maybe he needs a Therapist too. To get out his issues.
Granted, nothing is really the past, unless it does not happen anymore.
And who can guarantee that?
Then, there is trust. That was broken.

And then, there is the ability of both Spouses, to get pass, the previous issues... for which the cheating happened. Do you... know why you cheated, for example? If not, then who's to say, that it won't happen again? Or that your Husband can fix that, or yourself?

It is good, you see someone for your mental health.
Maybe he needs his own Therapist too. As well as you both see a couples Therapist.

"Forgetting"... takes time. Not everyone can do that. For both the one who was hurt, and the one who hurt the other.

Does HE... want to get everything better?

I don't know what he means by "he is going to do me."

you HAVE to go to marriage counceling together. you have cheated and forgivenss takes a long time. bringing up the past all the time is no big deal compaired to the hurt that has been caused. he is hurt by it and you both need to go together and fix it.

I agree I would suggest that you look into couples counseling, it will take a lot of work on both your parts to get through this.

Good luck!

Honesty from here on out is a good start..like one mom mentioned, he'll never forget, he may forgive you eventually and be able to trust you again, but it'll take a while. I can relate, but not that much. I lied to my husband about some things, I never cheated on him, but I did lie about some things that I really shouldn't have, they were personal things that he perhaps could have helped me with, but I didn't seek advice and help from him, I tried to get by with only talking to some family and friends, and it just made it worse it seems..but I felt that if I told him he would just get mad, and thought maybe he'd never find out. Well he did and he was more hurt than I ever woulda thought, he felt that I should be able to come to him with anything no matter what, that's what our marriage represents, to except and love each other and be honest with each other forever. He still doesn't fully trust me, but we're working on that. We love each other, and I feel that if 2 people love each other enough, and they can be understanding and open minded and accept that we are human and do make mistakes, then those 2 people can move passed almost anything, as long as there is that real love, that real soul mate connection that tells you no matter what the other person has done, it was human mistake, and maybe they can move on. The fact that you cheated over and over is not good though, once, MAYBE even twice could be different, but several times, Idk, I couldn't begin to know how he feels and how he will feel. But if you truly love him and are willing to do whatever, and NOT CHEAT anymore, than I don't see why some counseling for the both of you together and seperate, alot of days of talking and being open and honest about everything no matter what, and a whole lot of love between the both of, don't see that things could get any worse from doing that. But really, complete honesty is going to be something he expects from you, so be honest, about everything, no matter what. Good Luck.

You can be loving, supportive, encouraging and patient with him. My first thought of "he's going to do me" is sex. But it may mean he'll get you back. But he may not be thinking that way. You'll know if he's wanting pay back. Just be patient with him through this and wait for him to heal. Counseling woul be great even if you went without him. They will help you sort everything out and help you do your part in healing your marriage. Don't give up even if it seems hopeless. There is hope and you will see good things if you keep pressing forward. Good luck!!