Tough Love: Follow up to My Earlier Question

I moved out when I was seventeen. I didn't move because of the relationship I have with my mom (which is good) but because I wanted to live as an adult. I wanted freedom through responsibility and was ready to take care of myself. My two girl children are just about to turn 3 and 4, so I don't have experience raising a teenager. I do have practice setting boundaries and it is one of the areas I am really working on right now.

I suggest you try to stop REacting. Begin setting boundaries that are from a place of love and self care. Loving action. For example:

-If you want to live by yourself, you will support yourself. This is NOT a punishment, but an opportunity for you to learn vital skills and self care. I will not patronize you or underestimate your abilities by treating you like a child. I am going to begin treating you as an adult.

-If you are disrespectful towards me, I will disengage from the conversation. I love you and support you, but I will not allow myself to be treated that way by ANYone.

-If you are disrespectful in my home or to your sister/step dad, you will leave my home. You may return when you are ready to act respectfully (which doesn't mean we have to agree on everything, but disagreements should be communicated through with love).

-If you move, I will really miss you. I really love and care about you. I worry about the decisions you are making because I've seen you get hurt by them. Here is my experience __________. I know you're going to decide to do what you're going to do, but I HOPE you will take the initiative to begin healing and taking care of yourself. I feel deeply sad at the fissure in our relationship and I am scared that you will become more hurt and wounded. I really want to help support you in learning how to heal and take good care of yourself. I am not going to enable your destructive decisions because I don't feel good when I do.

J., try to remember that REGARDLESS of what ANY of us do, our children may not follow the path we wish for them (even if that path is as simple as happiness). Now, that's not to say that we shouldn't do the best that we can, as loving, present Mothers. However, at some point, we have to let go. In this case, letting go is very, very scary. But holding on may be doing more damage than good.

I hear how much you love your daughter. I hope this all works out. In the meantime, I suggest you get as much support as possible, sleep regular hours, eat well and try to eat regularly and keep going to therapy. This will help you to be alright AND will set an example of self care. Good luck. I can relate to how much it hurts to watch a loved one make destructive decisions. I don't believe we get to change other peoples lives/decisions/behaviors. We do get to change our own. Big hugs, and lots of strength to you.

You have my condolences on your relationship with your mom and daughter. We inherit different things from our parents and pass some of them on to our kids. It seems as though stubbornness and you-can't-tell-me-what-to-do runs in your family.

I had one child that my wife and I had to use tough love with. He wouldn't live by the family rules and he finally moved out. My phrase at the time was, " See the front door? It has hinges. It opens out and it opens in. That means you are welcome to leave and you are welcome back if you can live by our rules. I love ya, and your mom loves ya, but whether you stay or go is up to you."

I prepped him and all my kids for this possible event by telling them I loved them at least once per day. I would give each of my kids a hug on a regular basis (my goal was once per day). I tried to find something they did well each week and praise them for it. Even a broken watch is right twice per day! (I had some good students and some poor students. When my poor student came home with a D+ after a series of F's I made sure I praised him.) My son that left mad has seen that mom and dad weren't so wrong after all. We now have a good relationship.

At 17 its not to late to start the healing process. Make it a point to tell your kids, "I love ya" at least once per day. Find something to praise your kids for at least once per week. Be sure to use "please and thank you" when asking your kids to do something for you. i.e. "I bought some 7-Up for you. Would you please put some in the frig so you can have a cold one. And Please put one in there for me. Thanks!" OR "Hey, That blouse and skirt really looks good on you."

As for your Mom. Life goes on . . . Your mom may have been right or she may have been wrong when she told you what to do. At this point it doesn't make any difference. You taught your daughter how to treat you by the example you gave her when you talked about your mom and the relationship you have with her. Treat your mom like you would like your daughter to treat you. And if you have other children, remember, they are watching you too. You want them to treat you like an enemy, and have no respect for you? Treat your mom that way. You want them to grow up and leave home, never to return or have a relationship with you? Treat your mom that way. Do you want them to love you and bring the grandkids over? Treat your mom that way.

If you have any questions you think I might be able to help you with? E-mail me.

Good luck to you and yours.

Hello, You don't have to cut your daughter off to use tough love. It is important to set guidelines and to follow through with everything you say. My kids all knew if I said something I meant it. Some things can be negotiable, but most aren't. I did have to ask my sons to leave for awhile. The had places to stay and quickly learned that the grass wasn't greener. We had some serious things going on with them. It broke my heart to do it, but it had to be done. They are now both fathers and good people. No matter what you have to do, always tell her that you love her.
Good luck with your precious daughter.
K. K.

"Tough love" doesn't mean you never talk to her. Talk to her every day, if you want to and if she will let you.

Actually, at this point with her tough love is a moot point -- she is on her own, and making dumb choices, and there is nothing you can really do. Just keep calling her and being there to listen to her, unless she is verbally abusive, in which case you should say, "I love you honey, let's talk when you are in a better mood." And hang up.

I've seen many teenage girls' brains make a huge maturity leap around 18. All of a sudden, they just calm down and seem grown up. Hopefully that will happen to your daughter.

Also, at 17 she's not legally an adult, so if she actually chooses to come home, I believe you should take her in. However, it doesn't sound like she's going to do that.

Loving detachment is something I think all us mother's struggle with. The hard part is setting boundaries and then sticking to them. Let me know if you figure it out and tell me!

A friend of mine did a different sort of thing. Her son had to learn to live on his own and care for his own. He had to get his own place etc. She would though feed him anytime he was hungry. She would take him out to eat. . Have him over for food. But he had to go live somewhere else. Now could I do this with my daughter No idea. I couldnt imagine it. I think it would hurt me more than it hurt her. But if by brining her into the house all the time are your enabling the cycle of bad behavoir you might have to find the strenght to make her live elsewhere but keep calling her and buyiing food for the house. It would be important though to tell her that she is breaking your heart and you just cant watch her hurt herself but that you of course will stil help her out with food. That doesnt mean though money for food .

Using tough love on a barely prepubescent child compared to a teen 1 year away from adulthood is VERY different.

Your daughter has already done a whole list of 'stupid things' and continues to do them whether you are there to help her or talk to her... None of this is your fault and you will not be able to cure her either.

I recommend a step further than tough love - I recommend withdrawal and avoidance until she can get her OWN life on track. Your support isn't helping her but it is and HAS hurt you and your family. How much more are you willing to drag it out for them before your conscience tells you you've done enough?

There are many definitions to tough love. She is 17 and nearing adulthood treat her as an adult. Don't pull any punches just be adult about the relationship. You would let a stranger treat you that way nor will you allow your daughter to do so. Try to be the mother to her your mom wasn't to you. You can't live a guilt trip your whole life on what would/could have been. Stand by your decision and go from there with no guilt.

She will have to live by what she has done. However DO keep the doors or windows of communication open so that she can come back and discuss what she did wrong some time in the future.

As others have said our children may never go down the path we would like for them to go. There are those that have to touch the hot stove to find out it is hot even though they were warned it is hot.

Live your life and enjoy it. Know that you did the best you could do under the circumstances. God knows what is in your heart and he will guide you even when you don't think he is there. Have faith all will work out - I promise. I too "threw" my son out but didn't realize it until a year later when he went in the Army. I had prepared myself for X day that he would leave and then he decided he didn't want to go. I told him it didn't matter what he did that day BUT he was leaving the house. I mentioned this fact to my daughter who said, "Yes, mom, you did throw him out." He has thanked me many times since for this. He is now a married man and father.

So there is hope. Keep your chin up.

The other S.

It's really, really hard. You can tell her you love her, and when she wants your support and agrees to live by your rules, she is welcome to call you & you will welcome her back.
No money, no groceries, no paying rent/phone bills etc.
She's your daughter and you love her.
If she's drinking too much--see what Alanon says about boundaries and enabling.
The situation you describe with her living situation sounds like it's about to implode.
It really seems that you have done EVERYTHING you can. Does she have ODD?

I'm a little confused. Are you considering the tough love approach? Has it already started? If she is seventeen she is about to embark on a life that in some states is totally okay on their own, but if you know your daughter well, you know she might not be ready. Sometimes better to follow a counseling situation.I did not see what she might be doing that has led up to this. You can change the cycle that you had with your own mother. Yes, there are so many things that can happen. I am in a recent sort of 'tough love' situation myself and it hurts me a lot, but I can see the pros and cons. If there is more information it might help. Good luck!

I'm just looking into this situation and going on what you have written but it sounds like you need to find some forgiveness for your mom. Remember forgiveness is something that you need and you do not have to forget what happened to you. Just remember that you made it through and do not want to spend the rest of your life looking back. Speak to someone and let them point out the ways that your mother was only doing what she was taught. It was par for the course for that generation to kick out the daughter if she became pregnant.

Explain to your daughter that you love her to such an extent but also realize that she needs to help herself. You can not keep enabling her with money and material goods. Sometimes a person needs to hit rock bottom before they can change. I understand that you feel guilty for what your mother did to you but you can make it known to her that she is always welcome in the house if she can follow the rules.