Too Strict? Perspective Needed.

Except for the parents who are never around...I've never met a 13 year old who didn't think their parent's are too strict. There will ALWAYS be something one of his other friends never has to do. Something other parents don't make their kid do. Something embarrassing. Something!! This is totally a teenage thing.

Just do what you feel comfortable with!

Wanting to know who he will be with and the general area he will be in is great. Wanting to call the other kids' parents to discuss a plan...going too far. Discuss the rules and consequences for breaking them. Tell him when he has to be home or when and where you will retrieve him and give him a chance to have a little freedom and to prove to you that he can (or cannot) be trusted without adult supervision.

I think this was a stroke of genius. Wish I had thought of this before! I love when they don't like what we say and go "oh just forget it". Great, its forgotten!!! =)

What you are saying is I don't trust you and you are micromanaging your child's life. It is not so much a matter of strict as bad parenting strategy.

I raised my kids to know how to pick good friends and by the time they were teens trusted that they learned that. I wouldn't have to ask for a list of friends and check with their parents because I trusted my kids knew what they were doing.

Is there a reason you don't trust your son or are you a micromanager by nature? I ask because I know there are some people that just aren't comfortable unless they feel they have control over things. If that is the case maybe explaining to your son, I need this so I can relax, not because I don't trust you, may help him understand and accept it.
____________________________________________________________
Looking at some of the other answers, it isn't a matter of asking him who he is hanging around with. It is squarely, the calling the other parents that is the problem. Everything up to that says I love you and just want some information, the calling of the other parents says I don't trust you so I am checking up on you. The ONLY reason you would call the other parents is you don't trust your son is giving you the truth of where he will be and what he will be doing so you are checking that the other parents have the same story.

Just so you know, because my older two are through the teen years. When a parent called me checking up on their kids I had a discussion with my child asking why their parents are checking up on them. I trust my kids hang out with good kids and part of that process is my kids knowing all the facts. My kids may not have realize their friend is sneaking around on their parents and my kids tended not to stay friends with kids that are rule breakers.

Sometimes they told me oh their mom is just a control freak, other times they told me they really didn't like that kid anyway. They both felt sorry for the kids of the control freaks. :-/
___________________________________________________________
After reading what you added, wouldn't have changed a thing with my answer. I have ADHD, all my kids have ADHD. I know why I lied and did things my parents didn't want me to do, because they never explained why and they micromanaged me.

Here is the thing because I can only speak for myself. I would have figured out how to sneak out anyway without all your rules. That is the funny thing parents don't realize with kids with ADHD, we never think of the consequences when we plan things, that comes with age. So it makes perfect sense to sneak out when your parents say no.

I allowed my kids to form their own rules with my guidance. Since they made the rules, they owned the rules and they obeyed themselves. Sure if they had missed something big I would have pointed it out but they didn't. By pointed out I don't mean you forgot this rule, it was what if this happens? That answers the why, and if you haven't noticed yet, people with ADHD are driven by the why.

I think it's a little unreasonable.

Will he just be going around the neighborhood? Is he an otherwise good kid, who gives you little problems outside of the normal teen angst? Do you know these kids? Has he ever given you a reason to not trust him for a few hours on Halloween night?

To whoever said 13 is to old...13 is just right for trick or treating. Does he have a cell phone or at least access to one for the night? I would allow him to go, in our neighborhood, I would make it known that every half hour he needs to check in. Since it's a school night I would put on cap on a curfew at 9-10. Here's his big chance to earn a little trust and here's yours to see if he can afford that little bit of trust.

I don't know about where you live but there is a particular area here where all the preteens/young teens like to hang out on Halloween (some of them dress up and trick or treat but most of them just want to be with their friends.) There's LOTS of kids and parents (with younger kids) walking around, and there are cops patrolling the area as well. My kids were on their own in this regard starting in 5th grade, with a preset drop off and pickup point.
Look at it this way, your son is three years away from driving. You're going to need to start lengthening the leash soon. I say trust him until he gives you a reason not to. He wants (and needs) SOME independence at this age. Treating him like a child who can't handle himself on his own for a few hours, well that's just not fair, IMO. And IF he blows it by getting into trouble then you know he's not ready and he will suffer the natural consequences of not having that same freedom again for a while.
Giving our kids the chance to make to make good (or poor) choices puts the responsibility on THEM, and he's old enough to understand what your expectations are. Give him a chance to prove it.
ETA: there's a difference between micromanaging your child and letting him do "whatever he wants." There should always be a balance there.

First of all, if my kids tried the, "Fine, forget the whole thing then!"....my response was, "Good. Problem solved. That was easy".

I raised two kids by myself. THEY did not get to say how things were going to work. Period.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to ask your son who he's going with. I don't know that a list is necessary, but hopefully you know the parents of at least a few of the kids so that it would be totally casual for you to say something like, "Johnny says that some of his friends are going out for Halloween without parents this year. Are you letting Billy go? I was just wondering what neighborhood they were going to and how late they intended to be staying out". I mean, you never know. She could say that she's not letting Billy go.

I say this because my son wanted to go somewhere with his friends. I'll spare you the long part of the story, but I told him I wasn't comfortable with it. He said ALL the boys were going and he didn't understand why I wouldn't let him. As it turned out, NONE of the other boys were allowed to go and I certainly wasn't letting my son go alone. It's not that I didn't trust him, he's never been in trouble for anything. It was a matter of safety, pure and simple.

Kids can have well intentioned plans. But, I have to say that I wouldn't have let my 13 year old go out without knowing who he was going to be with or where they were going. I live in a very tiny, pretty safe place, and we've been here so long we know just about everyone. If my son didn't want to tell me who he was going with or where, he wouldn't be going. I would think something was very fishy about that. At 13, you haven't exactly earned the right not to let your parents in on that info.

Why does it have to be about micromanaging or being too strict? I was pretty strict, I had to be. But, I did a pretty good job of balancing rules and freedom. My kids followed the rules and I gave them freedoms accordingly.
I still didn't say yes to everything.

Your son may say that none of the other parents pay attention to such things. That's either untrue or it's a huge red flag about letting your son go off with other kids whose parents don't care enough to ask a couple of simple questions. He may want to re-think his statement.

My daughter was the one who really tried the "other parents" thing. I'm not other parents. I don't have to do what other parents do or what a kid "perceives" other parents to do.

Your son said to forget it. For me, that would be the end of it. He solved his own problem. He's not going. Now....if you want to talk with him about it and he would like to re-think his stance and compromise a bit by letting you know who he is going with and where, then perhaps you will consider the idea. But, you don't have to just turn him out on the street on Halloween night with no supervision unless he's willing to work with you. That's how it goes. You're not being mean or un-cool.

May I suggest, if none of the other parents do, that you have your house as the meeting place. Take pictures. Have pizza and some cool treats before you send them out. Be the check in point if someone needs a ride home or whatever. I love Halloween. Always I've had kids at my house for me to do their makeup or put finishing touches on their costumes. I've walked miles with a gaggle of kids with me. I've had slumber parties where we watch really old, terrible and hilarious scary movies.

It's just an idea. Be the gathering place before the kids go. That way, you'll know exactly who he's with and they all have to check back in at a certain time.

Best wishes.

My kids went trick or treating with their friends last year, 12 yrs old. I do not think 13 is too old for trick or treating. I have told mine they can go IF they wear a costume--part of the fun, right?--and IF I know who they are with. I know the kids they will be with and I trust them. I am not worried about my kids doing some horrible pranks. Now, my kids will be required to check in or look for us while they are out (I have a 4 yr old to take out) and they have to be home by a specific time--probably 8 since that is when everything pretty much dulls out by us. I agree you should know who he is with. If he will be in the neighborhood, then he should have to check in to say how it's going maybe every hour or something. If he is going to some other neighborhood with a group of friends, my question would be "why".

He is nevr going to grow out of ADHD, as a matter of fact it will get worse as he gets older.. And so you must teach him the behaviors expected.. and then let him know if he breaks these rules what the consequences qwill be and follow through.

The other side of this, is , he will need to practice making choices on his own, so that then he can own his behaviors.

You must work WITH him, to figure out how HE can be responsible. Point blank ask him. "How can we trust that you will not break our rules?"

"How can we be assured that you kids as a group, will not torment the neighbors and be obnoxious out there?"

"tell me what you think the your behaviors should be IF we let you go out with these guys?"

"If you notice there is about to be some trouble or mischief, what are you going to do about it?"

And then give him exact, examples of the past behaviors, that worry you..

He lied about where he was going.

He went to someone house he was not supposed to be at.

He does not follow the rules,

He does not call in to check with you.. Whatever it is..

You still have a few weeks, to have him PROVE to you, he is responsible enough to go out Trick or Treating. It is all in his hands, based on his behaviors, from today, till Halloween. Get a calendar and you keep up with his behaviors..

______________________________________________________

Thank you Jo!

If you do not trust your child, then I can understand. But if your son is over all responsible and you tell him, "I know i can trust you to behave and not get pulled into anything dangerous or silly, then yes you can go."
of course get the plan and who else is in the group.

And then really trust him.. The only time, I would have ever taken away opportunities from our child, is if she had made poor choices or got into situations.. She always knew she could call me and i would pick her up, if she felt things were getting out of hand. Never happened.. she refused to hang out with the immature kids and the kids that were trouble makers..
14 WILL be to old to trick or treat, this is his last chance.

13 is a great age to Trick or treat and to go with a group of friends.

I do think it needs to be discussed, who is going and where and when it is time for him to be home.

Our girls used to meet at a parents home.around 5:30. eat pizza. and then go trick or treating for a couple of hours. We then would pick up our daughter at 8:00..

Generally, they really only walked around an hour and then would go back to the house and go through the candy trading, and visiting.

If he is a good kid, I do not think you need to go overboard on this.

I think you're being too strict. You can keeps tabs on your 13 year old but you're crossing a line in keeping tabs on all of his friends. Ask who he is going with, require he carry a phone, and check in every hour or two. That's my definition of keeping tabs without being completely controlling. Now if you ever find out he lies, not where he says he is or with who he says he is with, those freedoms go away.

I would think simply asking who's going, where are you trick or treating, where are you starting and where are you ending? If you know these kids, you should know if it's a good idea or not. If you know their parents, perhaps you could just casually discuss it. And then decide from there. That should be enough to make a decision. Asking for a list is a bit much. And the list may change between now and then. And at 13, I don't think you and the parents should be making the plan, that's taking over and robbing them of many opportunities - planning, organizing, etc.
And if you agree, give him the rules - no scaring children, no pranks, be respectful, back by a certain time, etc.
Kids aren't going to learn to be responsible if you don't give them the opportunity.
If it were me, I'd embrace the idea by offering to do something. Maybe you could suggest they start or end their evening at your house. And you could serve apple cider, dessert or treats.

I'm with Jo on this one. You are micromanaging a teenager. When I was 13, my mother let me take the train into Chicago with friends to shop during the day. She trusted my judgement, and I am sooo thankful she did.

Yeah, um....no not too strict. I can hear my parent's voice in my head now:

Me: "Wahhh, List of Friends??? Forget the whole thing!!!!" (I can so not imagine daring to really say that but I'm just playing along)

Them: "Oh, absolutely forgotten already, and for the attitude you can clean out the garage that night instead."

:-0

I think your plan is completely reasonable and smart. Good for you! If he doesn't like it, too bad. You are not being too strict--your being a smart parent.

NO way thats not unreasonable, and that he says FORGET IT THEN, means he had ulterior motives for that night.

13 is too old for Trick or Treating, and with out a parent that age group does nothing but make it hell for others to be out with little ones. I am sorry but that is the general mentality of pre-teens. Having FUN with out thinking about consequences. I would prefer they just had a party somewhere and not be on the streets in a mob
ADDED: I am far from overly strict, I am a mom of a 5 ,3 , and 1. Where I am.. I see nothing but trouble when a group of teenagers with no parental guardianship are in the area. They are screaming, kicking decorations, running on yards, what have ya, they are doing it. I bet a few of their parents didn't believe their kids did that. I am not saying they cant go out, but given the opportunity to be alone with there friends, its more trouble than its worth.

TOTALLY reasonable. As much as it stinks, your kids are supposed to go off on you and think you're too strict! Means you're doing your job!

My life had two total extremes. Until I was 14 we lived my step-dad who was a complete control freak, as well as abusive. At 14 we left because I turned him in to the police. That another story obviously. But he kept us under lock and key.

Well after we left, my mom NEVER paid attention to what I did. EVER. I went nuts! Drinking, smoking etc sneaking out. Hanging out w/ older boys etc. I ended up pregnant at 16. It actually made me sad that she never seemed to care what i was doing.

You have to have balance. You aren't telling him no, you just want a game plan and thats called being responsible. It is your job to keep tabs on him and keep safe and out of as much trouble as you can. If he doesn't like this plan, guess what? Stay home then buddy! My "dad" now used to tell me, "Don't cut off your nose to spite your face" LOL Silly I know, but its true. If he wants to raise a big stink then sit your happy bucket at home and save YOU the aggravation!

This is a tough one and of course you need to do what is right for your child and only you know the answer to this. But for what it's worth, if I were you, I would only need to know the 5 W's & the H! Remember those? This is what I do with my kids. So, we would have a chat and we would decide on them together.

Who are you going with?
~Joe, Alex, Mike & Sully

What are you doing?
~Trick-O-Treating & NOT throwing eggs or stealing little kids' candy!

Where will you be?
~Confined to this neighborhood only! You can go from: Elm St. to Market and from Highland to Oak Ave. Stay within this area!

Why are you doing it OR Why am I allowing you to do this?
For fun---Sheesh! OR I am trusting you! Don't blow it!

When you will be back?
~Curfew is at 11p SHARP! If your late your grounded!

How are you getting there & back?
~ I will drop you off at Joe's house & pick you up at Alex's.

At 13 y/o *I* would not feel the need to call other parents.
But like I said, only you know your kid...follow your instincts!

Sounds fine to me! You do have the right to know who he's going with, where they will be, and a curfew for being home. 13 is not the new 18. I agree with many below that safety is in numbers, so let him go with the group, but only under your rules. I personally would have to know the parents of the other kids, but that's me.

When "just forget it" so quickly rolls off the tongue, it makes me wonder if maybe he wasn't too sure about the idea (or the kids), himself?

It's always a good idea to include all the relevant info in your first post.

I think it's reasonable to know who your 13 year old is trick or treating with, and what area they are going in. You also want to make sure he has his cell phone, so you can check in on him a couple of times.

If he's going with a bunch of bad kids, then I don't have an answer for you, because I was comfortable with my kids' friends, so that wasn't an issue for me. However, I knew there was at least one friend who had done things at that age that I didn't necessarily like (drink, sex etc.), but I still let my kids hang out with them.

So, if it's a whole pack of "bad" kids that your kid hangs out with, then I don't know what to tell you. But if there's one or two in the mix, your son can probably handle it. My kids used to go out in big packs.

Another thing to think about -- certain areas are packed with other trick or treaters, so there's probably not much trouble they can get into. How much trouble can a teen get into if they are running around in an area that is full of parents and little kids walking around?

Remember, at 13, you HAVE to start loosening the reins a little, even with an ADHD kid. Trick or treating might be a good start.

My parents were super strict but they let me go trick or treating w/my friends at 13 because they knew who I was going with.

They dropped me off at my friends house, we went trick or treating then they picked me up at 10pm.

I say, let him go trick or treating w/his friends at this age & just do this:
-know who he is going with. Obviously you know his main couple of friends.
-Give him a decent curfew, like I said above.

My husb is super protective of his dauther & he let her go trick or treating w/her 2 girlfriends in our neighboring area. She got dropped off, had a time limit & he picked her up at said time.

While I know it's hard, this is the age to let them start trying out their wings like trips to the mall (girls if not boys), trips to the skateboard park, trips to the movies w/friends & no parents, dinner at a restaurant w/friends if he's into that.

I, say, go ahead & let him, letting him take his cell phone or giving him a pre-paid Go phone if he doesn't have a phone to us in an emergency.

I think your proposal is reasonable EVEN for a child WITHOUT ADHD and other behavior challenges.

My parents kept similar tabs on me. Anytime I would go to a friend's house they would call the parents to be sure I was really there, the parent's would be home, etc. It embarrassed me, but I also felt a little more loved than the kids whose parents let them run free. And those kids also got into trouble. I didn't.

Now, that being said, so your son doesn't start rebelling, I would try perhaps asking for a list of where they plan to go and leaving out the calling the parents part. Or, could you make the call without your son knowing, just call the mom of one or two and say hey, don't tell them I am calling but do you know the plan, etc?

Whatever you choose, know that you are a GOOD MOTHER and don't let him make you feel bad for loving him!

Sounds like your a good Mom to me. You go girl!

I think it's still ok for 13 year old to go Trick or Treating as long as they are polite and not torturing other kids. Honestly, in our neighborhood some kids are probably even older, and I don't mind.
If you are comfortable with his friends and he or one of them has a phone that you can check in on him, I'd let him go without discussing it with any parents. I let my daughter and her group of friends go probably at 11 years old. It was just in our neighborhood and they stayed together.

Well, I do think compiling the list is a bit excessive, because those things can change pretty quickly and you could use it against him in the future if it didn't work out as planned.

I would recommend you get the names of just a couple of kids, of which I would think that you already know, and contact just one or 2 parents in the group to make drop off and pick up arrangements, if any are needed.

Saying you will "discuss a plan" with the other parent sends the message "You are not capable of planning for yourself. I will control things." HOWEVER, it is absolutely reasonable to ask who he is going with, when and where. That is a courtesy I assume you would provide him if you were going out. Also, since he has lied in the past it is reasonable that he must earn your trust back. So he will have to put up with you checking on him. No teen can be completely trusted and a good parent keeps a close watch. Absolutely it is reasonable to keep tabs on your 13, 14, 15, 16 year olds! The trick is not to try to control what they do. Just let them know you are watching and inappropriate behavior will warrant consequences. But keep in mind your son's going to push the limits. Don't squash him for every little thing. Let as much go as possible. If he does something embarrassing, buck it up. If he does something dangerous.... step in.

No that's not unreasonable. I wont let my 13 year old go with his friends without adults. Kids that age trick or treating unsupervised means they are probably up to no good. My son if he wants to go with go with his little brother, my husband and myself. There are too many things that can happen and teens running around in the dark is not safe especially on Halloween cause a lot of crazys will come out that night just cause it's easy for them to!

not to strict and my son is adhd off the charts or was at that age. he is now 17 and we still connnect with other parents on things lol. Of course I am also the parent who told a houseful of college kids that they could not leave my house on new years eve once when it was snowing really bad. they all said but my mom said we could go do..... but thats another story lol. and they all still speak to me. tell him you need talk to other parents to see where the start stop spots are and the times that are allowed if he wants to skip because of that then let him skip but remind him that is his choice lol

You are not being unreasonable.

I had the same conversation with my son when he was about 13.
In the end, all the kids came to my house and went wandering my neighborhood - yup, with me there also.

It is not that I didn't trust my son, I just don't trust the adolescent brain, especially several of said brains put together....the stupidity increases exponential to the number of brains involved.

What I usually discovered later, when my son pulled the "oh never mind" comment after I queried something, was that something was off about the plan to begin with.

My son is now 16 and I still "keep tabs" on him. He has more freedom now, of course, but he texts me in between school and football games, after games, going places, etc. He understands that transparency equals more freedoms.

Anyhoo, I think you are being completely reasonable.

No, you're not being unreasonable. You're being responsible. From the beginning of your plan to the finish. My feeling is that if the children have nothing to hide, then they won't have any problems at all with confirming the plans with other parents.

It's a matter of safety.

EDIT: After your edit, I'm even more firm in my belief that you're being reasonable. It sounds as if he has some ODD paired up with the ADHD. Fun, isn't it? You really are doing the right thing, and I don't believe that touching base with other parents is "micro-managing." That's just so ridiculous to say to you it's laughable. Involved parents who are aware of where their children are ESPECIALLY TEENAGERS have less likelihood of having problem teens. The children are more likely to think things through and become good problem solvers. They also know that they have someone at home who cares, and they care about that.

I don't think you're being too strict at all. But my kids are 10 and 8, so maybe at 13 I'll have a different perspective. But to me, 13 is too old -- the packs of teenagers that come through our neighborhood are often impolite and looking for places to play tricks later in the night. Not that your son would do that on his own, but if you don't know which friends, you don't know. Not to mention that the neighbors often complain that they run out of candy for the little ones because the teens take it all, and it's the little ones who are most disappointed.

I think knowing who is going is perfectly reasonable. If he wants to have trust, it has to be earned, and complying easily with your rules is the way to do that.

ETA: Just read your edit, and I stand by my earlier post even more. Good luck!

You are NOT being unreasonable. You are parenting. Stick to it.

No you are not being unreasonable, you are being RESPONSIBLE. Unfortunately some parents to 13 yr old kids dont know what that means. I cannot believe the number of parents i know let their kids at age 13 do whatever they want. OUTRAGEOUS!! I would tell him he has two choices as i also agree 13 might just be a little to old for TorT. Find a "trunk or treat" at a local church like someone suggested or suggest having a party at your house for his friends with music, snacks and just plain ole good time. Halloween is on a school night this year.. so its not like they will be staying out real late. good luck!

13 is a tricky age an depending on what kind of kid you've got, you act accordingly. It's all about communication. Iam fair but firm. I am also of the mindset that always asks 4 simple questions: WHO, WHAT, WHERE, and WHEN? Not because I micromanage or need to control their life, but because you live in my house and I'd like to know what your plans are, so I know what's happening and where you are. Knowing each of my children, the 2 older ones, who were very responsible, never had a problem with answering these questions and I could tell if they were up to something or not, by the way they responded. My youngest, which is my little sneak and not responsible, always had and has issues when I ask the simple questions. If she cannot answer them, she goes nowhere. At 13, they should be able to plan and explain to mom the situation. If they cannot, or they get all prickly about it, there's usually something up. Sit with him and explain that you want to give him the trust he is asking for, and you know how important Halloween is to him, and in return you'd like to know his plans. It's that simple. He's a boy, so in his mind, it's a bit more important for him to be independent. Give him the opportunity, because at some point you have to start letting go so that you can see his character, and if he proves he can't handle it, then you know where you stand and that you have to be aware. This is how I got to know my youngest. This is the age you start to get to know who they are as the independent, teenagers who do have thoughts and ideas of their own. Start getting to know your teen. Good luck.

I think you're right to want to know where he'll be and with whom, and when you can expect him back. It's not that you don't trust him, but we all know there are drunk drivers on the road, creepy pedophiles out there, and who knows what all kind of mischief going on on Halloween night. What would happen if he didn't come home at the agreed-upon time, and you had NO idea where he had gone or with whom? Where would you even start? I would explain it to him like that. Hey, kiddo, I know I can trust YOU, it's just everyone else in the world I have a problem with!

How about this... does anyone in your family have an iPhone he can carry around with him? I ask because you can enable the "find my iPhone" feature on it. As long as he has the iPhone turned on and on his person, you know where he is if you need to find him. (iPods have this feature, too, but they have to be connected to a WiFi network for it to function - as long as an iPhone is in cell range, it will work.)

I think you're well within your rights to ask him who he will be with, and where, as well as the phone number (land line) of where he expects to be. Tell him you won't call unless he is not home at the time he said. A little freedom is okay, but he is still young to be going out without checking in with you periodically. :)

No. You are not being too strict.

MartyMOMMA said it right. If they are going to be up to mischief, they don't want a responsible parent to check up on them.

13 year olds want to make other children's lives miserable at that age. I agree that they should be given something constructive to do. Or church has a "Trunk or Treat " Hallowen activity where the kids can have good clean fun.

I suggest you find a church near you that does that kind of thing so your kids can enjoy the holiday without the mean spiritedness.

Good luck to you and yours.

I didn't really read the other responses, but I'm wondering if, "Who did you want to Trick-or-Treat with?" might have received a better response than, "Compile a list ... " It's definitely more casual, and you could have listened and then said you'd talk it over with his dad.

I'm just thinking back to being that age and really appreciating how casual my dad always sounded about things. He had a pretty relaxed attitude about things and made everything seem like it was no big deal. When you're 13, everything is a big deal, so having parents also feeling that way tends to put extra pressure on them. They don't need to be worrying about all the "behind the scene's" stuff. Don't tell him, just do it. Does that make sense?

I'm also thinking of a boss I had a few years ago. He always made me feel like an amazing employee that made him proud. We had staff meetings each week, everyone had their responsibilities and tasks, we'd talk as needed, but pretty much he trusted us to do what we needed to do. I'm sure that he was very much aware of what we were doing and had ways of checking on things and making sure everything was under control, but the fact that he wasn't constantly hounding us and trying to micromanage really helped me relax and just do my job. (My current boss, not so much, but that's a whole nother story!)

Do your job as a mom (just like you've been doing). Just don't feel the need to always tell him everything you are doing to "check up on him." If he really thinks you trust him, he might surprise you!

Here is a good article by the National Geographic Magazine, an issue they had about Teenager development and their brain development.
Very good article to read.
Here is the link:
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/...

First off prior to reading your *edit* I thought you were quite reasonable. Now after reading it I must say I am a parent to an ADHD child as well and this may be why I was so comforted by your stong concern as a parent. Trick or Treating is a fun time...although in middle school there seems to always be a certain tract of homes or area that becomes the "hang out" spot. Eh, we as parents of special needs children always fight for understanding and cooperation whether it be from our kids, others that judge or the system...I'm not being cynical just saying after 20+ years that's just the reality of it. Water off a ducks back when strangers make statements that may be different from what we feel is the right thing or decision for our child(ren). You have to go with your gut....in the end, you have to be comfortable and yes, we will have moments where we give them that rope and then we exercise our patience as we worry until they are home...sounds to me like you are trying to give him that freedom with the boundaries that work for you. It's the only way to go....as he earns the trust back and matures those boundaries will be expanded.

Take care :)

I'm 50/50 on this one. I am sure he is embarrassed about his parents having to discuss this with other parents. This will require him to ask his friends to call their parents to the phone, if you don't have their numbers.

While you try your best to be involved with what is going on in your child's life, they often still do otherwise. My adult daughter has many stories of things she did. That time she went to the mall and her friends mom drove them, they took the city bus and got lost. Because she wasn't where she was suppose to be, she couldn't call home and ask for help. She took the West buss when she was suppose to go East. And that time she said she would walk home from her friends house, they stopped by Target and stole some make up. She got out, but Target caught her friend and called the cops. That time she had a sleep over at her friends, the parents and uncle taught the kids how to play quarters and she was sick all night - I talked to the mother before allowing the sleep over. By the way, she was in 6th grade.

So it is hard, but let loose a bit and give him some trust too. Try asking him to check in at a certain time and let him know what time you expect him home. It is much easier now because when my daughter was growing up, the cell phone was the size of a paver.

Interesting to see such varied opinions. I don't have a 13 year old yet but for what it's worth, seems like there could be a happy medium here. You must know some of his friends and their mothers, right? I think asking him who's going and where they plan to go and then setting up how he's getting there and back (if they can't walk) and what time to be home etc is fair. I'd want to then casually chat with one of the other moms who you like and trust to kind of confirm this is her idea of the plan too and her son really will be there. I know at 13 my parents didn't ask for a list so formally and all. I can see him being embarrassed at you seeming to take over the planning. I think letting them plan it and you know what it is and approve of it is fair. That's keeping tabs on him but not treating him like he's 5 or 6...

Ditto exactly what Yarmatey said! Give him a little freedom but be VERY clear what the consequences are if he blows it.

I have a 14 yo daughter and I'm finding it very difficult to find that middle ground. I want her to become a confident young woman who trusts and understands my decisions as her mother but I have a responsibility to keep her safe. No one said it was easy. Good luck.

My son is 9. Dad or myself usually tags along behind him & his buddies, but I don't see that lasting too much longer.
13 is old enough.
And I always think there is safety in numbers.

Fine line. Parenting sucks. I love my kids, but gosh, trying to figure out what's best can be rough.

He is 13. You either have to trust him or not. Sit him out down and explain that you have your concerns. You WANT to trust him, but he's shown you otherwise. Ask HIM what a good compromise might be. Don't have him WRITE anything down. Give him a curfew (that you BOTH agree on) and remind him that there are cameras and people everywhere and if something happens, he loses ALL of his freedoms. You are going to trust him and you know in your heart that he knows the difference between right and wrong. "I'm trusting that you will be mature enough to have fun and behave in such a manner that you and I are both proud. I love you more than maybe the other parents love their kids, which is why I want to have a plan. I actually care about your safety, as well as you having a good time."

It might not hurt to put some GPS tracker on his phone. ;)

At 13 he should be allowed to Trick or Treat with his friends WITHOUT you calling someone's parents. Give him a cufew and let him be 13!

My mother was just like you. I couldn't go anywhere with anyone without her wanting to call someone's parents! Like your son, I just opted not to go because it was/is embarrassing!

To this day, I have not forgotten or forgiven my mother for being like that. It was embarrassing and unnecessary.

I usually leave a long-winded response, not this time. You are strict. Not too strict. It is reasonable to know who, what, where, when and for everyone to know the expectations and be on the same page. Explain to your son that even if you or your husband go out without the other, you still give details as to your whereabouts and with whom you're going out - it's not about control, it's about respect and general courtesy for everyone who lives together.

Best,
S.

hooray for good parenting!!!!I like to think my oldest 2(9&10yrs) can come to us about anything, however more often then not, I dont see the same dynamics with their friends and their parents. If I dont meet the parents- they don't go. quite simply. At the same time, he could have very well lied to you saying he was going to be accompanied by an adult, but he chose to say what he did(truth or not) taking risk that his true plan may backfire. Not sure what kind of neighborhood your from but at 12 I think I would give him the benefit of the doubt and let him go. Of course with full knowledge of the consequences he may recieve if found to be lying or gets into some kind of trouble. If children dont have ample opportunity to make mistakes what then will they have to learn from?? ours? Didn't work for me!! lol