To Seek Child Support or Not

J.,

That is a tough situation to be in. My view is this…even though you can go about raising your child on your own it is the responsibility of the father to help in the expenses of raising that child. Living especially in the New York area is not cheep. The reason for child support is to help in those living expenses. I think you should go after the father for support. Even if you are to just to open a savings account for your son to access when he is ready for college, the price for college is going to get even more expensive and this will allow your son to go to school and maybe eliminate some of the student loans he would other wise have to pay back for years after graduating.

As far as the father not wanting anything to do with the baby, there isn’t much you can do about that. To push the child on him will only hurt your son in the long run. To be a father is a privilege and great joy. I know I wouldn’t want a man around my children if he didn’t really want to be there. It would just hurt everyone involved and put a lot more stress on you when your son starts to ask questions about why his dad is such a jerk.

Good Luck and let me know what happens…Staci

Hello J.!

I live in Queens and my daughter's dad is also out of state. He pays child support because I need the money, but he barely visits his child and when I come to visit him, he hardly finds time to see her. I wish I could give my girl a dad who cares, but I'm just trying to create stablity and a loving home for her.

The role a father chooses to have with his child is entirely up to him. The courts can only force financial and medical support, but a man has to decide on his relationship with his child on his own. I hope for your baby's sake that he decides to come around, but if he doesn't make that choice, I don't think there's anything the court can do for you.

I guess try your best to keep in touch with the dad. Sometimes, they need a little emotional distance and time to sort out what they want to do. Presently, involve male family members and close male friends in your son's life that he'll be able to look up to and rely on.

If you decide to go to court, paternity has to be established. The court will find the dad and notify him of the court date. Then they'll go over your case at a local NY court and determine how much support you'll receive. I went to court when my daughter was 6 month old. You can ask for retro-pay for the previous months since your son was born. I don't think it matters how long you wait to go court, so you have time to think things over. This money might not be a necessity to you, but I'm sure your son would appreciate it if you'd set it aside for him for when he's older. It also may give him some closure to know that his dad showed some responsibility and financial support.

It really depends on this man's personality. Is he responsible, vengeful, financially secure, resentful, or respectful? It may help to consider how'll he'll react to a court order and the trip up to NY. He'll probably prefer to hear from you directly first. If he's that elusive, you might be better off cutting all ties and creating a life for your son with the people that are involved with him now. Good Luck and don't let him spoil all the good stuff that mommyhood has in store for you.

The court would want a paternity test and all of that.

If you don't want a financial assistance from him then fine. If you want to do it just so he'll have something to do with your son when he doesn't want anything to do with him then you could just be hurting you and your son more.

I don't know, though. I'm no expert on this topic.

But, I feel, first off angry towards this guy, and I feel like its his loss.

I would always keep the door open for him. Keep in contact with his friends so when he's ready he can contact you.

And, of course, always make sure you son knows you have more love for him then two parents can give no matter what happens. And, that his father not being able to handle the responsibility has nothing to do with his worth.

I'm sorry you have to go through this part but I'm so happy you know what it is to have a perfect baby boy. My perfect baby boy is now 2.5 and it is amazing. We are madly in love with each other!

I would definitely file for child support because your son is HIS son too and also his financial responsibility. Even if he doesn't pay, eventually it will catch up to him and they will begin to deduct it from his pay, taxes, etc. Not to be mean or anything but its not fair that these guys can make babies and just up and leave. I am going through something similar with my 16 month old daughter. However, her father was part of her life until she was 4 months old. He even signed the birth certificate, we were a couple until one day, he up and left and never came back. I know where he is, I hear about him and what he is up to, I know he's screwing up big time, but thats not my problem. Its not fair to me to have to do this alone and neither should you. My own father never supported me or my brother and my mother never closed her child support case. A few years ago when I was in my early 30s, child support called her to let her know her case was still open and they would still pursue child support if she wished. She said, "of course!" and my father STILL had to pay my mother a huge sum of money even though we were grown, independent, and had kids of our own. So you see, no matter what the circumstances, eventually he will have to own up. Do it for your own peace of mind and then leave it up to the courts.

Dear Jacklyn, yes, you need to do the whole child supprt thing now before you end up regretting it later. You did not make the child on your own and what ever you get in child support, you can put away for your child to go to college later on in life. And besides, what happens when you loose contact with him and your child wants to find his father as a teenager as most do?
It will not hurt to do it, but the process is horrible. Like you I wirk in the social service field, I am a single mom, and live in the Bronx. Think of your baby and do what is right.

Good luck

D.

This is so crazy because I am going through the same exact thing. All my friends and family members keep telling me to file for child support but all I really want is for him to be apart of her life. I also don't want to go through the whole child support system. Sweetie my suggestion would be if you know you can financially support your child screw the father. A lot of women raise beautiful, successful children all on their own. I know we will both be okay by ourselves. If you need to talk you can always e mail me. Good luck!

Don't think that sueing for support is going to make him want to see or even acknowledge his son, that has to come from him. If you want to start saving some money for your son's future then take the support. If he has made no effort in all this time...isn't that telling you something. Going through the support action is tough, believe sitting in family court is not my idea of a day well spent, besides that it won't all happen in just one visit, especially if he cannot be served papers. But, personally i feel that he should help to support his child, even if he never takes the time to get to know him.

Hey J.,
I was in the same position that you was in. It took me a full year to come up with the proper answer. The only advise I will give to you is to do what you feel is right for the child. Make sure that you are seeking child support for the benifit of the child not any other reason. It is not an easy thing to go through and requires you keeping in contact with him but on a small levels. Eveyone said to me "It is the least he could do" but I had to ask myself if the money is worth going through the court system. So think of it long and hard.

Hi J., I just want to say to you that you can't control another person's actions. Yes your child needs a dad in his life but not under these circumstances. I fell like if you've given him chance after chance and he's still not coming around that he's probably never going to be around. So yes get that child support, that's the least that you and your child should get from him. All he is, is the child's biological father not his "DAD". Good luck on the search.

I think you should sue him for child support. because it took the two of you to make him and therefore it should be but how your responsibility to take care of him. i mean you was not trying to contact him for support. but i didnt acknowledge you. so you do whatever you have to do so that he will be able to acknowledge that your son is his.

Suing for child support will not make him be a part of the child's life.
If you don't need the financial help don't clog the already overflowing system with a frivilous case.
He (dad) is the one missing out, for your son's sake concentrate on finding another mentor (uncle, cousin, good friend) to impact his life.
Be strong and help him overcome this empty space like you would if it were a handicap or illness. Teach him to be a good person and ensure him that his father's absence is no reflection on him in any way.

Good luck and God Bless you all.

Children are not cheap. No child is an accident, they are a gift that many women cherish. If the father does not care to know his son,his loss on a phenomenal young man. Your love an nurturing will keep him strong, But I also live in NY and it is expensive just by yourself. You add a child to the mix, you need all that you can do. My dear have that mad help you support that child. Leave the door open for him to develop his relationship with his son, as long as it is positive!
Good Luck

Get that child support and get it quickly. I believe it does matter how long you wait, and have never heard of a judge awarding retroactive pay. You only get retro pay if you already had a court order for support and he did not pay it. You baby deserves that extra money, even if you can provide a nice lifestyle with your salary. Even if you only get 50 bucks a week for him. Put in bank account. $50 times 52 weeks is $2,600 a year! Multiply that by 18 years. Thats $46,800. That's not even including regular bank interest! Nice sum for college tuition, house down payment, car, whatever! The child support belongs to your baby and he deserves EVERY PENNY OF IT. Don't let his "father" get away with that.
Also, since you do want there to be a relationship, hopefully, eventually, since you do always have the child support connection, your son and his father will be able to find each other and create that relationship. If not, at least your son got HIS money.

yes get the support , you never know if your son may need it some day. i know that i would need it for school for my twins, good luck . if you do it, it is olny one day out of your life to sit in court and less for you to worry about later. you tryed to get him to notice his son , he doesn't want to but his $$ will help your son in the long run.
God Bless.