To Leave Him or Not To??

Been there done that!!! Call me. ###-###-####

I was stationed at Ft. Campbell, KY and met my 1st husband...got married 2 months after being together, started seeing a marriage counselor after 4 months...those dreams you know...Got pregnant with my now 15 yr old son, Paul went to Saudi for Desert shield and Desert Storm, came home just in time for Winston to be born. Got out of the service and moved to "His" home of records and lived with his mom for 2 years of hell!!!

Since then I have learned a lot about relationships and if I knew then what I know now might have been able to salvage my 1st marriage. I am now very happily married and living my dream that Paul had issues with (music). I would love to talk to you. Call me.

J.,
I have been in a similar situation. It is a very hard decision to make. My ex-husband was not very motivated and offered me very little support. Either with the kids or bettering myself and my career. He was very content to cruise through life on my coat tails. And let me tell you it was very frustrating. Being married is a partnership. 50/50. I have been divorced for almost 4 years now and it was the smartest move that I have ever made. I am happier, my two kids are happier and I have found a man that is willing to walk beside me through this beautiful thing we call life. The choice that I had made was not an easy one. The road between here and there was a very rough one. But very worth it!

It sounds like your husband is very immature. At least he was willing to go to therapy, that is a good start. What has he said to the thearapist? (Not asking you to reveal personal info on here, just think to yourself) Does he sound like he wants to try and work things out and be a "family man" or does he want to be a typical 21 year old without the constraints of a family? Perhaps he will mature when he realizes that if he leaves, he's mostly likely giving up a close bond with his daughter. She needs a Daddy who can be there and support her and do things with her, not someone who shows up when it's convieniant for him.
It doesn't sound like he's a bad person, just not a very grown up one. I think the biggest thing you have to decide is if you want to wait for him to grow up and join the family as a willing, equal member or if you want to have a 21 year old child in addition to the 11 month old child you allready have.

Hi J..

I too am in a similar situation. I have three children and my husband does not make much money either. I am pretty much the sole provider of my family. I am also at a cross roads with my relationship, and wonder the same question (should I let him go?). I am a little older that you, and know that it is important for your children to grow up in a happy home (with out all the arguing). I somewtimes feel as if I am holdign on to something that is no longer there. The last three years of my relationship have been the worst three years in my life! I think that that's what we both should do is let them go. Then they will know what they are missing once they are gone. I honestly feel like I am being take advantage of, and I don't think that this is right. I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

S.

This is a tough decision - one that only you can make J.. However, I can share with you my story. I was married right after turning 20 and remained that way for 16 years. I had many of the same dreams and ambitions you noted in your post. I thought my great attitude, stick-to-it attitude, and love for my husband would eventually change him once he got through his "phase" of wanted nothing really worth holding onto. Well, even though we had 3 wonderful kids and my attitude stayed great for about 14 years, he never changed. After 16 years (and 2 years of me saying I was no longer going to support him) he asked ME for a divorce! That was three years ago and even though I wouldn't wish divorce on my kids, it was the best things that ever happened to me. And my kids are seeing what a "normal" life should be like. And I really knew the problem existed within 2 years of my marriage.

Not to say you and your marriage don't have hope - you are both very young. But I am one who wished I would have listened to my gut years ago.

Hello J.,
Perhaps your hubbys lack of interest in a better future comes from being insecure. It is hard to get motivation when you lack confidence. Do you encourage him? Compliment him? Tell him how smart he is when he accomplishes something? It may sound kind of silly, but a low self esteem can be a very difficult thing to beat on your own. Everyone wants to hear praise, when deserved. I had to notice some things in my own marriage, which was I bitched a lot. I was sure to notice if my hubby did something wrong and speak up about it, but reluctant to say so when he did something wrong. That is somehting I have tried to recognize in my 10 years of marriage and I think he has a much better self esteem. Remember everyone has their weakness'.

Since you sound like you are ready to move forward, what is wrong with you persuing your future while he supports you by bringing up baby? School is a very difficult thing to do while taking care of children. Explain to your hubby you need his support in all aspects, while you go to school. Doing it alone is a very difficult path, I did it with the first one and I will tell you, you can do it, but it isn't easy.

Best of luck! Think through your BIG decisions before you make them.

Definately not wrong on wanting more for you and your family. It seems like the guys these days don't challenge themselves and want a better life for their family. They are so relied upon the woman to do everything. I feel the same way about my husband at times and always feel I have to give a big push. We are so different now and I feel often that I should have made those hard decisions early on. It's very hard especially if you have little kids. I hope you have a great support system whatever you decide.

In my opinion, marriage is a partnership - you work together to build a life together. No one person can do it for the whole family - that just doesn't work and there does wind up being resentment.

It's good that your husband is seeing a therapist with you. Would he consider seeing one on his own regarding his security issues? It could also be that your husband does better in a situation such as the military where someone else is pushing him to do something. Or maybe that was just easy to fall back on and now he's having trouble motivating himself. Years ago, when we could afford it, I told my husband to take a year for himself to figure out what he wanted to do career-wise. He told me that was the most difficult thing he's ever had to do, because before that he was expected to do the career he had (family business and we moved to another state).

Keep the lines of communication open - that will definitely help both of you figure out what you want for your future. And happy parents make a happy baby!

You have to decide, do I want to be happy, or do I want to be miserable. When your happy your child feels it. When your miserable your child feels it. If your reaching for more and he's not, it makes it that much harder for you to get to where you want to be. It's either he catch up, or get left behind. You have to look out for you and your child, and an unhealthy relationship is not good for anyone.

hi!First of all please excuse my mistakes I'm in USA only since 2005. Even though I've never been there I can understand your frustration...My mom and dad were married for almost 20 years, and not long after they had me my father started to drink more and more. He never hurted physicaly my mom, but he was waisting a lot of money and that was not easy espacialy after he had to retair because he got very sik. But my mom she loved him very much and stayed together till he died. And my sister and I will allways apreciate her for that and loved her but also she gave us an exemple of what true love is like.
Now your husband is not that bad to leave him. Love is not about me and what I can achive being in a relationship it is about the other. I totaly agree with you that he is wrong but but what guaranties do you have that the next one will be better? none...you have invested love, time, money, in this marriage and you have a wonderful doughter together...why not try harder together to make it work? I think is worth it.
i realy hope you will think twice befor doing something that might affect all off you and you will regret it. Money isn't everyting in this life...but love...now love gives you strenght when there is no hope, but money wont give you love when you need it.
Hope you will make the right decision and stay together to raise your little girl. God bless you!

You know my husband and I were 21 yrs old when we got married and we seperated about 1yr into our marriage which lasted about 2 months. I was so upset about it, but then I thought "Maybe he needs some space"???? So I let him go and told him that I'm here for him. It was extememly hard, but we kept in touch and soon after we were back togther. You do have to remeber he is only 21yrs and the two of you are just beginning your life. Do the two of you go out on dates? Have you you tried adding a little SPICE to your relationship? My husband is now 35 and I am 31 and we make it a point to have a date night. We go to clubs together and I even make it a point to whisk him away for a night or two where we can be alone. You know we seperated due to the fact that I was the sole provider and all he wanted to do was drink his life away and complain about everything, argue over bills, and what it all boiled down to was that he was really upset that he could not provide for his family the way he really wanted to. He had low self-esteem and this made it harder for him, so he felt that the only way for him not to feel so guilty was to leave me and our son. I know how you feel, but if you really love him, you need to fight for your marriage. I have been with my husband for 12 yrs this March 16th and we have been married for 10 years and we had soooo many obsticles and hurdles to get where we are today. Hey! sometimes men are worse than women, they need to be pampered sometime......

J. what i noticed about you was that when you were aked to write about yourself you started with i am young. that is the most important thing. you have your whole life ahead of you. just because you are in this moment in your life try and look at another moment. a moment where you have the experience to look back and see the mistakes that you have already made. you have the opportunity to start again and do it right, for you and your child. there is so much more out there and so much you can do if you only give yourself the permision to do it. let go of what is bring you to a halt in your life, because 30 is around the corner than 40 then 50 life goes by so fast, but your at the begining you have a chance, take it, run with it, be free and do what's right for you. i can promise if you stop and listen to the echos in your mind their only saying over and over again do what will make you happy.

Honestly, I really think you owe it to your baby girl to try to work things out. Marriage is hard. Separation is hard, but you two made a commitment to one another and now you have a child. It's easy to take the road that avoids conflict, but marriage is not just something you try for a couple years. It's a lifetime commitment. Every marriage has rocky times, but your daughter deserves to grow up in a family with both her mom and dad.

Just my two cents...

Hi J.,
It's hard to think outside the box, especially when you're in it! The thing is I found myself in your husband's situation many times in my 20s. I got married young (to my high school sweetheart)at the age of 22 and often than not I wanted out throughout our marriage. I wanted to be out there with all the single young partying female friends. Now I am 33, a mother of a 6 yr old, and back with my high school sweetheart. All I can say is to let him go. There is nothing you can do to hold him back if what he wants is to be out there. I wish that you didn't have a child in the equation and that all you have to think about is yourself. Your husband has some growing up to do, and so do you. There are so many opportunities out there - in love and other areas in life. I regret not making it work with my husband while we were married to each other, but if you're meant to be together there will be light. Life is such a mess, but it is structured that way so that we can learn from it. You are already sounding like you are on a positive path when you're talking about your little girl and your future. Always take the positives out of the negative situations, and keep them in your life. Your husband will see in time that you're strong woman and that he's making a mistake when he thinks about leaving you. Be strong and believe in yourself. Get your degree and raise your daughter to be the best child she can be. You're so lucky that you're young and already thinking about better future. Keep it up!!
All the best to you!

Personally I have felt both like your husband and yourself. I get antsy sometimes with my 2 children and my husband and trying sooooo hard all the time to live the right way and better myself and just trying to make it that I feel as if I am missing out on alot. I get angry at being cooped up all the time and having no finances to go anywhere or do anything big. At a moments glance, being premiscuous and wild like most of the other girls my age (25) and older are being, sounds kinda exciting. But after I have had some time to think again, I ask myself "are those people really happy with their lives?" It's a question that your husband should really be concentrating on. Would it really bring long term happiness to have alot of women and party? I know he may feel like he's giving up alot and growing up too early, but there is a beautiful baby girl in the picture and he should be thinking about stability for her and the right way of life for a family. I stay with my husband, and belive me he is soooo far from perfect, becasue I, the majority of the time love him and my children and I am commited to my family and doing whatever it takes. But, hun, if he is not willing to do the same, then belive me there is Mr. Right out there somewhere for you that will accept your child by him, and that could love you and be commited to the family lifestyle that you desire. I know becasue my 1st daughter's father wasn't commited or willing to commit to a family lifestyle. He chose the other way, women, drugs, alcohol, and let's just say I have full physical and legal custody of my daughter. He is not stable nor is he sober and pretty much the sad part is that his own biological daughter knows no one else to be her daddy but my husband now. You can't force your husband to change hun. He has to find it in himself to want it bad enough. And if indeed he can't, well you are young and more than likely beautiful, and you can start over and find someone who is willing to be yours and your daughter's everything. Trust me the life that you want so badly is possible, not glamorous, but possible and only when both people are commited to it. This is just my opinion. Therapy is best. Good luck to you and your family hun. I hope everything all works out for the best.

There is no easy answer to your question. Remember that you are young (as am I) and it's not always going to be easy. The key is to grow and change together. If his idea of what matters in life is changing, I think you took the vow to listen to his changes. In the end it doesn't matter about the house or how much money you had or what a great job you had, it is about your family. Try to sacrifice somthings to gain other things. It can't be all his way or your way. Give and take and continue counseling! It's about that little girl and growing together! Good luck.

My grandmother once told me, "if you are asking the question, you already know the answer". When I was younger, I didn't understand what she meant but, now as I near 40, and am married to a wonderful man, I think I get it.

So, look at your question(s) and think/look into your heart and you'll see that you are just asking for permission from someone else to do what you already know is the right thing.

I would suggest you speak to your husband seeing the therapist seperately. He seems to have some childhood baggage that is entering into your marriage. You are both young and starting a family so early sometimes result in situations like this. It's too late to turn back but it's not to late to fix if both of you want to stay together. Suggestion, get Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book...it may be a good excercise for you to see if your relationship has hope...wish all do as long as you both work together on making it work.

J.,

I am going trought kind of a similar situation, I posted a while ago and received great advices.
I do not think anybody can tell you what is best, you are the only one who knows exactly what is going on between you two.
The only thing I can say to you is to look inside, deep inside and try to figure out what you feel.
You will know if it is worth it, the fight to stay with him I mean.
When there is love there are no questions.
If you decide to continue on your own, you will be fine, and probably find someone that will love you and your baby.
The best for you, and be strong.
V..

what about a separation and see how you and he feel..

Please STOP and THINK before you make any choices that come with long lasting consequences. The fact that you are reaching out shows how much you care and dare I say desperate. Please don't misundestand and take this as a negative comment. On the contrary you are doing the right thing in seeking advice. Who better than women who have either been where you're at...there right now....or will be at some stage in thier marriage too. This is what all marriages go through. Ups...downs...and everything in between. I have been married 22 years and am in the middle of TEEN DRAMA with 4 teenage daughters. Having said that I want you to ask yourself some questions. Why did you marry him. Be specific. Then find out what you can about his childhood and how his parents were there or not there for him. What type of male role model(s) did he have in his life. Could there be something chemically/medically wrong that is causing his moodiness or depression. Has something happpened recently other than your new child. Like a death, divorce of someone close to you both or career change? These answers may at the very least help clue you in to what's going on inside. Have considered counseling? If not both of you, then at least you should go for yourself and that baby of yours. The decision you make could be life changing for all concerned. Finally, divorce is never a solution. My parents divorced 18 years ago and my daughters have felt the effects of it. please let me know how it goes.