To Carry or Not to Carry...

I am right there with ya in many aspects! Have a three year old daughter plus I am a teacher and go back Monday so I also get the best of both worlds! Gotta love that! Anyway, I also have a 9 mos. old so that is often one reason but she is also getting heavy so I offer my hand. Although that is not as good as carrying her, it's the next best thing and 30 pounds is a lot to carry!! Going back to work will be a big change for all of us so good luck!

Yes and no. I definitely think littles should be given a chance to warm up to an occasion and not be expected to leap right in, or be pushed. And I also think it's fine to rely on a little crutch at this age - whether that's a lovey, a special sticker, or holding mom's hand. Just from my experience, reminders that they're a big girl/boy just makes things worse. Knowing that it's supposed to be easy doesn't make it any easier!

But depending on the condition of your back, you may want to suggest some alternatives for that warm-up time. "I can't carry you, but how about we sit here and watch the other kids together for a few minutes," for example.

My daughter is three also and at times wants to be carried. Due to me being pregnant I try not to carry her to often but I also know she's growing so fast that any time I can hold or cuddle her I take advantage. But in the end it's how you feel. If holding her is to hard then have her hold your hand. Others wise hold her and enjoy it before she's to big.

She is young and looking for a feeling of safety. If she warms up after you enter and is only looking for that comfort and secerity in the beginning, I say carry her. She will grow out of it! My son was the same way and his sister came along when he was still very young so I was unable to carry sometimes, but he learned that I was right there and he could always come to me and he is now VERY outgoing. It is a phase and it will also help her learn that she can alway count on you. (something very important when she is older and you wish she still wanted you for support...)

What's more important - changing her behavior (is she hurting anyone?) or responding to her need for your love and attention? She needs everyone at that birthday party to know that you are her special mommy. She also needs to know that you love her the most. Then, once those needs are met, she is comfortable to go and play. So go ahead and carry her and it will transition to holding your legs, holding hands, walking side by side, etc.

Teachers' kids have a lot in common. My son has the same personality type. He is going to be six soon, and it has been a long road to helping him reach a higher confidence level. If your little one is anything like mine, she will not respond well to much forcing. See if you can spin the idea of walking as something that is her idea (or something she GETS to do now that she is a certain age.) Make it a game perhaps. Maybe you can start out by having a competition to see if she can hold your hand (Read: Cling to your leg!) until you sit down at a new place. Then, she can sit on your lap all she wants. Baby steps will get you there.

Good luck and have a great school year. Can you believe it is almost here???
A.

Listen to your instincts. As you say, your daughter's are telling her to keep close to you so she can feel more secure in unfamiliar situations. It sounds like your instincts are telling you to meet that need for her but maybe there are fears about encouraging clinginess or undermining independence. Well, fear not! For one, fear is never a good place to make decisions from :) And contrary to popular belief, it's consistently meeting the needs of children that builds their confidence and independence (check out attachment parenting theory). Three is so young yet, it's actually kind of strange so many people think they should be behaving like miniature adults. When you trust children to walk their unique path to independence, on their terms, they trust you and themselves as they gradually move out into the world.

In my opinion, I say carry her, listen to her feelings and validate them, she doesn't do it to annoy you, she really just feels a little shy, nervous or apprehensive and probably needs you to understand. I'm sure it gets frustrating for you though. There is a great book called How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, it really opened my eyes. I think we far too often dismiss children's feelings as silly or unnecessary and teach them not to trust themselves and their own feelings. I think it would be worse if she felt you weren't there for her. Look at it this way, when she's 14 she definitely won't want to be carried :)
BTW, the best way to build self esteem is to feel and know that your own thoughts and feelings are worthwhile and not pushed away or perceived as silly. I do agree though that she may not need to be carried but she can stay next to you or sit on your lap until she is ready. The point is to let her know it's okay to be a little apprehensive if that's what she feels.
Good luck!

My now almost 3 year old went through a phase like this last year. She quickly grew out of it when I wouldn't carry her. I did also though have some good reasons not too..I had a baby that I had to carry, have had 4 hernia surgeries since I started having kids, and she is big for her age and darn heavy!
So while I wouldn't and couldn't carry her, I always talked to her before going in somewhere and told her that I wasn't going to carry her but that she could stay by me if she didn't want to talk to anyone when we got in there. She hid behind my leg for a few months or stayed on my lap to begin with and grew out of that as well since I would slowly give her less time before I gave the encouragement she needed to get out and play with the other kids. Now she runs into places and plays immediately.
While I do agree that they are only young once, I think that 3 is a little old to be carrying..you don't need back problems and hernias! It may not be a physical problem now, but could easily grow into one! I wouldn't confuse carrying with comforting. There are other ways to comfort that will help her be more independent.
Be consistent.. if you carry her once she will keep crying for you to do it the next time. And speak lovingly and encouragingly but firmly to her about your expectations of her walking into a room holding your hand and maybe even stay in the car until she is ready to do it... ask for her opinion on whether she is ready yet (obviously you don't want to sit out there for an hour) and praise her when she does it. Listen to her fears about the situation and help her alleviate them, maybe even before you get into the car to go. Start now, when preschool starts you will have a much harder time of leaving her in a room if you are carrying her in to begin with.
Good luck!

Personally I wouldn't carry her. My son used to do this to me at that age, and I really couldn't carry him because I have a bad back and he had a little brother. But, I just told him that big boys walk, but I will hold his hand and he can stand right next to me until he decides he wants to go and play. She is too old to be held, and she needs to start getting more confidence and self esteem. I think making her stand is a step in that direction. You might want to talk to her before hand and tell her that you will not carry her, but you will stand with her and hold her hand. This may help if she hears it in the car instead of when you are already there.

My oldest son had a similar want to be carried and held, before he was able to warm up to new situations. It also seemed somewhat connected to my work schedule fluctuations. I trusted that he was letting me know what he needed. He is 17 now, and I can't even remember when he stopped wanting this, but I know it was long before it took any toll on my back, probably long before he started kindergarten.

You can still comfort your daughter and show her you are listening to her without picking her up. Offer to hold her hand, sit on your lap, sit off to the side and watch the other kids for a few minutes. She's a bit old (and probably physically too large) for you to be carrying her like that.