My soon to be 2 yr old (generally very well behaved toddler) has started the phase of indecisiveness. She's trying to be independent and yet is a little freaked out by it. For example; she was coloring on her own for about 10 minutes, all of a sudden she said she was done. i confirmed this with her and started to put items away. she then changed her mind and said she wasn't done. when i gave her crayons back, she continued the "fit" and said she WAS done...this went back and forth while the frustration on both our parts increased. How do I break this cycle of indecision with my toddler? she's not even 2 which makes "reasoning" difficult and since she's gets frustrated easily (she's a Taurus!)--well, communication is not ideal in that state of mind.
Thank you Moms for all your super advice which I plan to implement even before the next situaion occurs. I know others going through the same thing (or will be shortly) and plan to share your advice & my experiences with them too!
It is certainly frustrating. Two year olds do this because they can. You must stick to what she says and what you say the first time through. Warn her of the consequences of her decision, but stick to what she says. It will be extremely hard the first few times, but she will learn not to play games with her decisions. Kids like to be able to control adults.
Hi C.,
My daughter is 19 months old and does this all the time. She has for awhile now.
I echo the other moms ... I try to allow her as many decisions as possible during the day. I also let her help out around the house. I've found the more involved she seems to be with me, the fewer issues we have.
Also, I've noticed the times when we have the biggest issues with this are twofold: 1) when she is over tired or hungry. So something else is going on and she is just frustrated. 2) When I'm trying to do something for her that SHE wants to do.
Take your example.... your daughter said she was done. Maybe SHE wanted to put the colors away. I keep my daughters on a lower shelf in our kitchen. It's out of my way and she can reach it. She gets them when she wants them and puts them back when she's done.
I've found if I try to intervene too soon ... then we have a fit. BUT if I wait... and then she realizes she needs help she will actually come to me and ask for help. Then, there is no power struggle. I reconfirm that it's OK to ask for help ... that's what we do for eachother. She is happy, Mama is happy and our day is peaceful.
Have her put the items away when she is done.
My daughter is kind of the same. She'll be two in less than a month and she changes her mind often. If something like your example happened, I would usually just leave her until her fit was over (unless she was throwing crayons or something) and then I'd go back and talk to her about how she just needs to tell mommy what she wants to do and I'll help her. Part of it really is that the don't have the communication skills yet and that's why it is often called the terrible two's. I hope this helps you at least a little.
I also had good results with a lot of minor decisions. One of the choices was usually "Or would you like me to decide?" Now, this could cause more frustration and I'd use her reaction as a guide. The goal is to keep the snowball from growing. I would make the clean-up of the crayons a mutual task. Add a song or something. (Watch Barney?) It may be the transitioning that's difficult, not the actual choice being made, so any segway you can come up with may help. A good book to read: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will Talk, Faber/Mazlish. You're right that she's freaked out by the independence. Understanding that should be helpful. A hug and "I'm sorry you're upset about this" may help. I admit I was rarely that understanding!
I wouldn't give her so much control about what she does at this point. I'd say, lets color for a while. You decide how long and when to put them away. She's too little to make choices like that. If she want sto abandon the crayons for a while for a different toy, let her, and then let her come back to color if she's ready a little later. But if you see she's totally lost interest, just put them away while she's playing with the other toy. At this stage there is drama all the time, look for ways to bypass what you can. When she's 3 and 4 she's more capable of reasoning and choosing which toy to play with at a time, and understand the consequences of saying she's done.
Best wishes!
this may sound a little wierd but at that age they start to try to be in control. It's actually cute though lol. I learned the best way to deal with it was by letting them make more choices on there own. Like give them two shirts to chose from, two difrent types of juices, what book to read. It seemed like the more I let them choose diffrent things the more relaxed they became.
Try describing to her in gentle, loving words what you're seeing and how you guess she's feeling, or put it in the form of questions. Be very reassuring and help her go thru it. She sounds like a very smart child. They're the hardest to raise!
I just say maybe the coloring needs a break, we'll leave it there a few min and come back to it later. Then when the next toy was going to come out I say Oh the coloring, if it's done we need to put it away. Or if done sounds to final I'd say save it for later, but put it away "so we know where it is".
When my daughter got frustrated over communicating at that age I would try to teach her words. So at 2 she was saying Mama I'm fustrated, and that took care of any fits or not nice behavior she had, with my positive renforcement to suport useing thoese words. It was bitting for a while and new words took care of that. I also found to many choices was to much for her, and I'd try to limit it to 2-3.
And I guess it helps that my Mom still mulls things over a long time before making up her mind.
Good luck! A. H
Stick with the first response. If she says she's done, go with it. Move her on to the next thing.
Oh, its not just because she's a Taurus. Its the other T words - Terrible Twos! My son went through the same thing, "I want milk, no I want juice, no I said I wanted milk." It does pass, I promise. He's 2 1/2 and he doesn't do it anymore. In the meantime, you'll need to reduce choices as much as possible. I would only give my son one or two choices and he could only change his mind once. Then if he threw a tantrum, I would count (I use the 1-2-3 magic method). As I said, it will get better. Just hang in there!
My daughter is the same age. she does this occasionally. ever heard the phrase "don't negotiate with a toddler?" is a valuable one. once you've confirmed with her that she is done with something or has made a choice. stick with it. if you start to put the crayons away, and she has a fit, let her. make sure she isn't going to hurt herself, but give it no attention. your daughter will learn that she has to be sure about what she's chosen. or, if she wants to change her mind, she has to ask nicely. a good rule is to NEVER respond to behavior like that!
Hi C., Consistancy is so important with all children, but most of all toddlers. Give her 2 choices and then make her live with that chose. Don't allow her to go back and forth. She will feel most secure knowing that someone other than her is in charge. When she clearly makes a choice, then that should be final, no matter what kind of fit is thrown. We all face decisions in our day to day lifes, and the choices we make can make us or brake us. It's not too young to learn this lesson. Good luck.
