Help! Blindsided by 3 Yr Old tantrums...how Specifically Do You Respond?

My daughter is now 2 1/2 and her tantrumming has subsided a lot, by me just ignoring her when does throw a tentrum. I know what you mean by scolding, sit facing the wall doesnt help. By ignoring her, she doesnt get the attention sha wants...

I agree that this is very normal behavior. She is mostlikely realizing that she can have some control in her life, and she's trying to gain more.

I know it's frustrating, especially when you need to go somewhere or you are on a schedule, but the best thing to do is ignore the behavior.

Get down on her level. Let her know that you understand that she is angry, frustrated, disapointed (name the emotion). Tell her, it's really hard when you want to play but Mommy says it's naptime. Let her know that you understand her feelings. Then remind her of what needs to happen and wait for her to calm down.

It really does help the situation to help them name their emotions and show them that you understand. Also, ignoring (or not having a strong emotional reaction to) her behavior will let her know that it's not working. She's not going to get her way by throwing a tantrum.

I think the tantrums also lessen in part when they learn to use their words and talk to you about what is upsetting them.

Good luck!

These are completely normal behaviors. Your daughter is not "trying" to be naughty. Children don't really want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances.

Adults, with our vastly greater experience, want everything to flow according to our grownup expectations. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and she will probably have a couple of years in which she just won't see very much from your point of view. Thats' completely normal – she can't help it. Digging in heels and tantrums are a natural outcome of becoming more frustrated than they're able to endure. Many parents report that this "new" behavior seems to come out of the blue. The stress of travel and changing schedules, or illness, or any major change, may contribute.

Though you won't ever have a toddler who can behave like an adult and make all the choices you would make, there are tried and true methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration that the mom and the child experience during the next couple of years. This may be challenging when you're also caring for a younger child, but overall, you'll expend less time and energy than you would if dealing with behavior that isn't evolving in a positive direction.:

1. When she wants something, empathize. Big time, and in the child's language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little girl realizes you do care about what she wants, she's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from her. And there are lots of positive ways to approach this, rather than just saying no to a child. They hear no so often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous.

2. Keep it playful. Children learn primarily through play. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and cheerful approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your daughter's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be.

There will also be times when you must have her cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy that she gets to play with only at those times.

3. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want her to be doing anything differently, especially when she's grooving on her activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert one minute before making the change.)

4. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though she's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, she will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

5. Try to keep demands low when she's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. An already frustrated child doesn't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.

6. Get to know her most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some tempting object or food they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy she likes when you have to take ______ away from her, or a healthy treat when she wants a junky snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into her determination to get something she wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing).

7. Avoid bribes, but let her work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if she gets to assist in advancing something good for herself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.

8. Be sure she gets lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If she has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and hers.

9. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers. Look at your parenting contract, and you'll find it in microscopically-tiny print under "I agree to the following terms and sacrifices."

Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Especially with spanking: children may be scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding pain isn't the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and demonstrations of what you DO want from her will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want her to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

I wish you both well. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your daughter, and make sure she knows. Children seek attention and approval, and if she knows you're noticing her good moments, she'll try to create more of them.

Check out Love and Logic - it may help (at the library or bookstore). I don't know if it would help to give her choices in how things happen/the order, etc. They are trying to assert their independence and become their own people at that age. There is so LITTLE they have control over, which I think makes them frustrated. You still want to be the parent and be in charge of the important things, but for example, the FINAL goal of her going to bed is what you want. Letting her have control of how to get there - etc.

My son, for some reason, likes the cold. I, being a mom, want him to wear a jacket. But I won't fight him on it. I'll let him go out without the coat, but I'll bring it along. Then he learns HOW cold it is, when he should wear a coat, etc. And the coat goes on without a fight. :)

Good luck - hope that helps a little.

Kids who don't throw tantrums at 2, tend to throw them at 3. It's developmentally normal. BUT that's not to say she gets to be a tyrant or that she gets to be in charge of the family schedule. I found that transitions were often very hard - for instance going from coloring to bathtime, or from playing outside to eating dinner. Ease the transition by saying, "Betsy, in 5 minutes it will be time to put away your crayons and get ready for bath time." and then a few minutes later... "Betsy, in 2 minutes it will be time to put away your crayons and get ready for bath time." and then a few minutes later... "Betsy, our 5 minutes is up! Now it's time to put the crayons away, and we'll go have bath time!" I found that doing this decreased my girls' resistance to transitioning to a new activity. That's not to say the occasional meltdown didn't happen. If and when it did, I'd say, "Oh, I can tell you don't want to stop coloring. But that's not how we act." Then I'd haul the screaming child off to her room and say, "You can sit in here until you're feeling better." It wasn't a punishment, and I did not get angry, because at this age a child isn't TRYING to be bad, they're just at their wits' end and need a chance to re-group. Angry or hovering mommy just makes the situation worse. I found that having the child be out of my immediate earshot allowed the child to get herself under control without driving me totally nuts. One of my kids would stay in her room for a long time (usually she'd calm down and then start playing with her toys or reading a book, which was totally okay with me), and the other would stay in there for 30 seconds and come out still crying. That's okay too - because that 30 seconds allowed her to calm down enough to where she could deal with herself, and so could I.

All that aside, if your daughter does something for which she ought to be punished - such as hurting a younger sibling - then you need to figure out an effective punishment for that. In our house, my logic is that over-tired children tend to act out, therefore an earlier bedtime cures many problems. A few nights of going to bed at 5 will cure almost any misbehavior, and the threat of it may prevent future misbehavior. This may or may not work for you, but it is our silver bullet here in this house. =)

If all else fails, remember: she'll grow out of it eventually.

I have to agree with Amy J on this subject. I am 56 years old and when I was a kid (and when I had my kids), tantrums were unheard of. There was no negotiating with children and/or giving them countdowns as to when things were going to happen. I, and most of the kids I grew up with, was on a schedule and I pretty much knew what would happen every day. Disobedience was not tolerated period. And God forbid if you acted up in public, lol, there would be hell to pay when you got home.

And that's how I brought my kids up. I had 2, 22 months apart and neither of them EVER had a tantrum. I didn't tolerate whining either. We had no "time outs", if you were punished you were sent to your room, which wasn't a bad deal because everything you had was in your room, lol.

Funny how at some point in time, discipline completely changed tactics. It doesn't seem to be working all that well if you have to tolerate a couple of years of screaming tantrums.

This is pretty normal behavior for a three year old. It was probably exaggerated by her change in routine for the week and a half. My kids were always worse at three then two. The first piece of advice is for the parent to stay calm. If the child does not get the reaction that they are hoping for then the action is not as fun. It is always hard and depends on a lot of different things especially the attitude of the child. My kids were very determined but not really hard-headed and I could reason with them. I usually tried to avoid the tantrum all together. For instance if she throws a fit at bath time then try a shower so she can feel grown up. Get a shower head that comes off and stand her up in there and spray her off. If she throws a fit when she gets her coat or hat on then let her go outside without it and let her figure out of her own that she needs it. Keep a routine for her. This is especially good at bedtime. If she likes books then let her pick out a special book to read at bedtime. Let her have a special stuffed animal to sleep with. Bears need a lot of sleep!! Try your best to work with her but not give into her and get a mutual outcome that works for both of you.

The best thing to do when a child has a tantrum at any age is nothing. If she is on the floor yelling and kicking her legs you need to walk away. A tantrum is only fun if there is someone to watch it. Do not say a word to her or touch her. She will learn that her behaviour does not get her what she is after and she will calm down. If she is anything like my daughter she will have a travelling tantrum as well lol. In that case the child will stop for a moment just to locate you and then will start all over with the tantrum. Once she stoped go back to her and tell her what you want her to do. This may take a few times but it is the only way to stop tantrums for good. Good luck.

I agree with Patricia and the other moms. Our son became very difficult or headstrong the day he turned three. One thing that helped was giving him choices. For example, you can wear this coat or that one. You can brush your teeth first or put your pj's on first. We were having multiple meltsowns a day. Once I started giving him choices, opportunities to make decisions, we had fewer and fewer tantrums. If he argued or fussed I just repeated the choices. I also put his favorite toys in timeout. If I saw that he was about to throw a fit, I would tell him that his toy was going to go in timeout. He hated that and would usually calm down. It is so much easier to keep a toy in timeout!! : )
I still use these tactics with our twins.

I agree with Anette H. and Jennifer G. Ignore tantrums. Before a tantrum, validate her feelings. And.....I think the most helpful is to avoid the tantrum as much as possible by not letting her get over tired and hungry. Provide quiet times with quiet activities before she's too tired. Feed her when she's hungry. That sort of thing. Along with this is to give her choices every time it's possible. For example: Do you want to walk to your room or shall we run? I got my grandkids to the car and their room by saying, let's race. Do you want to listen to music now or read a book or do both? Tell her it's bed time a little early and give her the choice of getting ready now or in 5 minutes. Do you want to brush your teeth first or put on you jammies first?

Sometimes we have to reach a bit to come up with an alternative choice but with time it gets easier and is well worth doing.

I've also found it to be effective to just quietly and patiently wait. Yes, it takes a long time at first but before too long they discover it's easier to just do it. Getting in the car from the playground was frequently difficult. I'd hold their hand so they couldn't start a new activity and just wait for them to stop pulling away and begin walking.

It does take more time to teach than to push them into a tantrum but in the long run giving choices and showing them that you're going to wait until they comply teaches them to make good choices and obey.

And when they discover that tantrums isn't going to get them what they want while they learn at the same time that there are more effective ways to express their feelings the tantrums gradually disappear.

The thirty minute battle when she hurt her sister. I wonder about that. I would just put her in her room and the ignore her. Each time she came out I'd quickly put her back in her room. Yes, it may take 30 minutes the first time. You have to have the same response and routine every time. Gradually she'll know you mean business and that the time is over if she just stays in her room. I've experienced this with my grandchildren.

Once she's compliant and she can come out, reward her with hugs and encouraging words. Tell her why she was in her room and what you expect from her next time.

You'll always be able to find reasons. That's why kids throw them. Are they allowed or not? You need to believe you can stop them, because you can. I have three tantrum free kids who under no uncertain terms were never allowed to begin that habit, and many cousins, nieces and nephews too.

You haven't been consistent enough across the board for all things, after one warning, every time, until she gets it that what you say goes, and she only gets one warning. There is a time between when you tell her to do something, and she instead decides to throw a fit, that you should act.

After a book or dinner or whatever you're doing, you should tell her she will now get her jammies on for bed and the very second she thinks she may roll her eyes or perhaps not make a move toward the jammies, you give her one firm warning that you already told her once, and if she continues "x" will happen" and you have to follow through EVERY TIME. If she starts a fit, you IMMEDIATELY give her one warnign to nip it or x will happen and when she tries to escalate it, you calmly and firmly follow thorugh. EVERY TIME.

If you really don't want her to have fits, then you should NEVER walk away from her in her room or a time out and allow one to carry on. That is for people who have decided to live with them. NEVER IGNORE. It is allowing.

You stay calm, and the results of her actions, whatever they are, especially defiance, are always the same, and always right away after she has been calmly and clearly warned. It seems like a lot of work at first, but it is the fastest way, and once the habit is broken, the right behavior will become natural and desired, and all you'll need to say is "Hey!" if you see a tantrum in the works, and she'll pipe down. She's getting away with it, that's why she's doing it.

Right now she is on a gambling spree because she doesn't know what you'll do, and nothing has lasted long enough or been a big enough deterrent. Time outs are ENDLESS and often do nothing even after months and years. Standing and waiting for compliance is not a consequence that teaches her what she is doing is wrong.

You seem like always hovering in your mind is the fact that it's just normal and caused by other things and may not be fixable. She is sensing your insecurity. It is normal for her to be trying this. But kids who are not allowed to have tantrums do not. Do not let her battle you.

Love, hugs, choices and positivity 99% of the day, firm swift consequence when disicpline is needed. She'll make the clear choice once it's clear.
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Dear Marcia,

My son has always been the sweet, sensitive, naturally well-behaved type type, but when he was three, he once threw a full-on tantrum that lasted a week solid, I swear.

What FINALLY worked was that if N. yelled and screamed, I put one of his toy trains on top of the refrigerator. If he kept tantruming, more trains went up on the fridge. If he stopped tantruming, the trains came down. In retrospect, I think this was a good age-appropriate response because it was immediate, tangible, and consistent.

And, I should be clear, I am not normally a discipline-happy mom. If there's a behavioral issue, my immediate instinct if usually to try to understand the root of the behavior, not to issue a punishment. But what I've learned the hard way is that it's often very comforting for preschoolers to learn that bad behavior comes with unwelcome consequences. It signals to them that the world is stable. As much as kids seem to think of themselves as the center of the universe, they don't really WANT to control things. They want to cling to the comforting, secure sense that their parents are all-seeing and omnipotent. Gee, not that that puts US under any pressure or anything.....

And, finally, this could very well be a normal reaction to the fact that you went on a trip and came home. Three-year-olds are VERY routine- and space-dependent, and a significant change in either can get you into a behavioral tailspin.

So, remove a beloved toy, every time, and take a deep breath! This too shall pass.

Best wishes,

Mira

Something I found helpful, was setting up training times, so my daughter could work on doing what I told her the first time. There is a difference between training and discipline. She needs to learn that she has to do what you tell her the first time without arguing. Yes, it will take effort. One of my daughters figures things out after a few tries - the other is a pistol and it takes a lot longer.

Parenting is simply a full time job and there are no quick fixes - but we are training our children to learn self control. You can do it.

Hi There,
In my experience, 3's are worse than 2's and I have heard this from many moms. I have a 5 year old daughter and my son will be 3 next month. In the past month, my son has been a bear! I remember my daughter getting the same way around this age. They are now just as stubborn as they were at age 2, but they are smarter now, and are testing their limits and trying to negotiate to see what they can get away with. Plus there is the pull of still being a "baby" and wanting independence. I have found that consistancy is key, as well as giving as many (reasonable) choices as possible. Ie. "it is cold out, you have to wear something on your head, do you want your blue hat, red hat or your hood?" this way they can feel somewhat in control... but their head is still warm. Ofcourse no matter what, there are alsways going to be the tantrums. Just stay calm, and stay firm.... sometimes you may just have to let the child kick and scream and ignore them until they calm down. I have found that something little may set my son off and sometimes nothing works, he just melts down and they more I try to stop the tantrum the worse it gets, so I just wait it out and ignore. I am guessing if you have ruled out illness, it is probably just a phase! Good Luck.

My daughter did the same thing when she was three... not cool. We were having major trouble with bedtime and naptime so I talked to the pediatrician. She suggested that when she throws a fit- kicking, screaming, pulling the sheets off of her bed, pulling the drawers out of her dresser (yes, she did this!)- that we shut the door and leave her in her room until she calmed down. If she opened the door (which she always did), we were to hold the door shut. We wouldn't speak to her until she calmed down. We had to do this a few times. The first time lasted about an hour, the second time 45 mins, the third 30 mins... until we would only have to threaten to shut the door and she would stop.

I know it sounds crazy (and kind of mean) but it worked. Best of luck- three is the hardest age... so far!

From what you described, it might be time for a technique called "room clearing", which is when the people in the room leave the tantrumer to work their feelings out. This is less attention than moving the child to their room, which would usually be my first suggestion. Instead, when the child begins the tantrum, just tell them "We are going out of the room now; I see that you are not ready to do 'x'. When you are ready to do this, come and find me." Then, go out and don't come back in until the tantrum is finished.

With my son, we don't often have tantrums, but non-compliance happens on a daily basis. After I can see that we are heading down the road of non-compliance, I consistently tell him what is happening-- "I need you to do X, and I see you are not ready to do that yet. I want you to sit in this chair and don't get up until you are ready to do X. " First, the difference between this and time out is that the child is in charge of when they might get up, because they can control when they are going to do what's asked. When I started doing this with my son, he'd often pop right back up and begin noncompliance again. I'd stay unemotional, just very clear with him "Oh, I see that you still aren't ready to do X. You may sit here, in this chair, until you are ready to do X." No more attention after that. It took us a few tries, but he now knows that if he's put in the chair, his only out is to do as I've asked. I am reasonable in being willing to negotiate a bit-- If he asks to finish something he's working on, or to find a different, fun way of accomplishing the same job (say, wanting to load his socks up in the dump truck to deliver to his room instead of doing it my way of carrying it in his hand...) I give him room to make it fun, as long as it gets done.

Tantrums are often usually caused by frustration, too, so understand that while she has to work through the emotion-- and it is your job to give her context for this-- you can also sometimes head things off at the pass by offering her positive things she can do. Instead of being asked to 'go wash hands' you can say "Hey, come with me sweetie. (Take her hand, walk her to the sink) Oh, do you want to use the bar soap or the pump soap?" When she's reluctant to put a coat on, sometimes flex on our end ("Let's take your coat then, and you'll have it if we need it") is more important to getting things moving along than getting stuck in the conflict.

For more information about children, tantrums, and how we can best provide our children emotional support during these hard times without losing our mind, these two books are helpful:

"The Science of Parenting" by Margot Sunderland (thinky title, easy read on fascinating science of the developing human brain)

"Taking Charge" by JoAnn Nordling (teaching how to observe and assess behaviors and how to best respond to the child's needs while keeping boundaries and effective guidance in place)

with all three of my kids age three was the hardest. Validate her feelings (as Dr. Karp recommends) "You're SO so mad because...." or you feel SO sad because... " Even if its she wants to go sledding and there is no snow or she wants to swim on a freezing day, or she wants you to ignore the baby act as if she has a right to those feelings. "Boy are you mad or sad about ...." help her put her feelings into word You REALLY dont want to go to bed You wish you could play and play But mommy said five more minutes and now the timer went off." Use timers! then it seems it is not Mom's decision that time is up. It is the timer. they cant tell whether its been 1 minute or ten so tell them when the timer rings it is bath time, I'm setting the timer now. My son rarely argued with a timer!
I agree totally with the poster who said LOTS of choices to help insure cooperation Do you want Daddy to take you up for your bath or mommy? (doesnt matter if you know she will choose you) walk or piggy back? Give her two toothbrushes and let her choose which one she will use. Again one could be the old one and you know she will use the new one. she will be thinking more about her choice and less about refusing.
Dont give in to temper tantrums and change bedtime or buy her a toy or give her dessert But try to treat tantrums with sympathy. they are usually a result of being overtired, over frustrated, unable to communicate. Try to prevent them cuz they are H**** to deal with!

The battle is always time consuming, I have no tips there. But I did take a book everywhere I went, sat beside my screaming daughter and read to keep myself calm and sane. This went on for 3 weeks until she realised I was neither going to react nor give in. Then it went away magically.

I would like to add that while I agree that parental behaviour can contribute to tantrums, especially if a parent gives in, it is also the personality of the child. Our eldest never, ever had them. Our youngest made up for that though in spades. As to children never throwing tantrums in the good old days, that is, as my 65-year-old mother puts it "rose-coloured glasses at their best." So be the best, reliable, solid disciplinarian you can be, don't ever give in, and ignore the at times judgemental and nasty looks or comments. This too shall pass.

dont stand and wait, walk away when she starts to throw tantrums tell her she will have to go in the other room because you are just not going to hear it. Put her in her room- carry her if you have to- close the door walk away. My son went through this when he was about that age it wasnt easy. I seriously walked away in the middle of a grocery store because he threw himself on the floor. Also I instructed everyone in the family that when he started throwing a fit to pay no attention literally walking over him in the hallway and just ignoring it. Eventually he stopped and would just go do what he was told.

Hi Marcia,

My little girl is about to turn 4 and occasionally she will act like this. The only suggestion I did not see in the previous answers was to tell her that she cannot leave her room until she calms down. My daughter usually wants a hug or other attention when she's that upset and I tell her that I won't talk/hug/comfort her until she settles down. This works for us because it gives her some control of the situation. Very quickly she calms down and we can talk about whatever the problem is and find a compromise.

Hope this helps.

L. M.