Time to Regroup?

You might want to consider learning the Transcendental Meditation technique. It has worked for me and many others with proven documentation. Here's the link if you're interested. http://www.tm.org/ ( also ) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcendental_Meditation

You have just done two of the hugest things in life at the same time: having a baby and moving. It's no wonder you have no time. Unless you have a lot of money to hire help, I think you are just going to have to expect to be exhausted and have no "me" time for a while. What you are experiencing is normal under the circumstances, it's not that you are doing anything incorrectly.

All I can say is: this too shall pass. You will get through it.

Stress that causes tight jaw muscles, and restlessness that you describe, is a sign of a b5 deficiency. If it were me I would take a B COMPLEX LIQUID- follow bottle directions for amount and drop it under the tounge 2 x a day. I might even take an addl. low dose b5 along side it, and I would add vit c and magnesium malate or magnesium citrate as well. Magnesium is also a nerve helper, it is responsible for helping to keep the nerves relaxed, and it helps your body utilize your calcium, and calcium can help with jaw clenching. Most of us who eat dairy get plenty of calcium but not enough magnesium to enable us to utilize the calcium, hence tight muscles.(dont add extra calcium). Magnesium really is a KEY player to ALL of the symptoms listed below, even the estrogen problems.

One of the signs of adrenal exaughstion is low b5 levels. Also chronic fatigue, irritableness, restlessness,insomnia, concentration problems, nerves, depression, anxiety, PMS, and being cold. Chronic low blood pressure is a key symptom of Adrenal exaughstion. It can be caused by estrogen dominance. You can help yourself by avoiding all soy (which creates estrogen dominance), eating saturated fat -like butter, COCONUT OIL and palm kernel oil, which increase metabolism, and helps create progesterone.(progesterone combats extra estrogen and keeps it in check).

Fats like Canola, vegetable, corn, etc..which are unsaturated are terrible for your adrenals and thyroid.The media LIES when they tell you these fats are good for you. The thyroid forms hormones and bile salts, using the cholesterol from the coconut oil. Cholesterol enters the ovary, governing amounts of progesterone produced.

You can get your adrenals tested with a saliva test, taken between the 19th and 21st day of your cycle. If the test shows low cortisol then your adrenals are exaughsted. Adrenal exaughstion should be taken care of before it affects your thyroid and you have a bigger problem on your hands. Certainly if you have any of the other symptoms you should get a doctor to test you out.

Other important things to do are to get to bed by 9pm the latest. Putting epsom salt in your bath and soaking for a half hour is very calming and will enduce restful sleep!

http://www.ithyroid.com/coconut_oil.htm
ps..alot of doctors simply treat depression with anti depression meds. Yes, they cover up symptoms, but never deal with the underlying cause. The underlying cause is adrenal and/or thyroid malfunction. Antime a woman is depressed, and most especially post partum or post menopausal, the thyroid should be the first place they look.

Anne, ((hugs))

I just looked to see where you are to see if I could come over and relieve you!! One thing I can tell you is that whenever you feel this way, remember that it will not always feel this way. There are so many stages we deal with when raising kids that make us feel like we just can't handle it anymore and that the stage is lasting forever, but then it DOES change. This is a naturally really really hard time for moms with the ages of your children and adjusting to being a sahm. Being a sahm is absolutely the hardest job in the world but the very most important and most rewarding too. You won't regret it later but you would regret missing all those special moments and being the one to nurture your babies if you looked back on your life and had been at work while someone else was doing your mommy job instead.

You absolutely do need to take care of yourself though. If not, the whole family falls. You have a good man, (from what you said), and the gift of 2 special beings. All of it takes work to keep it moving in a positive direction but you are the center of it all. Even little bits of respite will help. You have to find a way to do it. Maybe you could sit with hubby and come up with some sort of schedule, even if it is once a week for now, that you have "me" time to sleep, or do whatever is at the top of your "needs" list. For example, I would be the one to get up all through the night and I mean ALL through the night. I had a 2 year old and twin newborns), but hubby did the wake up session while I slept in a bit. He would feed them, change them, settle them and when he left for work I'd take over. It wasn't much but it was magically helpful. I was grateful to him, and I looked forward to it as I stumbled around through the night fulfilling all the babies' needs.

You may have to spend one weekend day, with the help of dear husband, and get some of the more vital things unpacked and put away but you may have to just leave the rest however hard that is. You can't do "it all" so you have to make priorities. Again, when you look back on your life you won't care that you lived in a sea of boxes but you will care that you were good to your hubby and good to your babies (and good to yourself).

You said you are new to the area. Have you tried to find mother's groups around you? I wasn't that keen on doing that but I did find mothers are all in the same boat and reeeeeaaaallly understand what you are going through. They are often very helpful. Maybe you'd like one of them and you could do traded breaks. You watch all the kids giving her the afternoon off and then... it's your turn! It can be at your house so you feel more at ease while you nap in the other room or do whatever you need to do.

Good luck,hang in there. We've all been there and we do get through it but you must find a way to recharge your batteries!

I am in your exact condition. Except my infant is 3 months. It is really hard, and the only way you get refresh time, is if you get a friend or a babysitter to watch them. I suggest taking a nice long shower (non existant normally), and getting out of the house for an hour or whatever you are comfortable with.
Get a pedicure or go sit in a bookstore and read or catch up on news. Do something just for you.

Hi Anne,

Oh, life can be so overwhelming for a SAHM, especially when she likes everything perfect.....well, those days need to temporarily be gone...you can only do so much. My house has been a "wreck" for 7 years, since my 2nd son was born. Of course everyone tells me it is fine, but in MY mind it is a wreck!

It is US that needs to adjust our way of thinking, and our priorities. Life gets easier when we don't put so much pressure and expectations on ourselves.

Do those boxes add pressure?...yes, are they in the way? probably yes...are they going anywhere while you change diapers and make lunch and play with your kids? NOPE. It will all get done...eventually. Try to adjust your mind to relax about certain things. It's hard, I know, because as I'm typing I look around and see all "those things" that I've had to relax about in order to "keep my peace of mind". It is endless....

Unfortunately, if we stress out about certain things, we can be stressed with our children. That was my "eye-opener" for me because it wasn't the kind of mom I wanted to be. So, I was able to "train myself" to relax about messiness, and simply do the best I could. I teach my kids how to help around the house, and by maintaining a non-yelling "ordering" environment, my kids do exactly what they are told (at least for now).

I also trained myself to wake up earlier than my boys. This was really hard for me (I was a nightowl), but I'm glad I did it. It took me about a month to make it a routine, but I felt more rested by going to bed with my kids (warching TV) and getting up early, then I did by staying up late. Now, my body wakes up between 5-5:50 naturally after 7 yrs, and I get more done in that 1 hour than EVER before during the night.

Take a deep breathe, Anne. You are right, it is finding your balance in your new life. You will find it. we always do :O) It just takes time and support.

~N. :O)

Hi Anne,

Please have a conversation with your doctor about postpartum depression. Your story sounds very familiar to me. I had the same issues after our second child was born, although I didn't recognize it as depression. I had the same issue again after our third child was born. It was NOT the "baby blues" which is what I thought of as postpartum depression. It was feeling overwhelmed. It seemed to be a struggle to just get the day-to-day chores done, so important but not urgent things just kept getting pushed off indefinitely. I could not find time for myself. Couldn't get motivated to exercise. Felt drained all the time. I actually cried over spilt milk one time. (Ok, I dropped a whole gallon jug and some went under the fridge, but still.) Any time something went wrong, I felt like crying, like "I just can't handle this". I used to feel like I needed to "get away" a lot.

My doctor and I talked and she suggested I try an anti-depressant. I was amazed at the difference. I felt almost "normal", like my old self again. Even though there was no change in our family life or my work load, all of a sudden I was much more productive. The household chores seemed more manageable, I had less trouble finding time for myself, and was more motivated to exercise. Feeling like crying whenever something went wrong and the need to "get away" went away.

Anti-depressants can be tricky though. You may have to try different ones, and experiment with the dosage. I had issues with it affecting my sleep. (Sometimes still feeling really tired after sleeping for 8+ hours.) And I'm also thinking maybe this isn't "postpartum" depression for me. I think maybe it was depression that was triggered by the stress and changes that come with having a child, rather than the hormonal changes. I tried going off the medication right around our youngest child's third birthday. After two months I felt that things were getting bad again, going back to the way they were. I just went back on the anti-depressant last week, and I feel normal again already. Things are pretty stressful now still (we are remodeling our house), so I will try again in a year or so when things have settled down.

Please think about it.
-D.

Back it up. It was the line about my husband also needs his time on the weekend. SO WHAT ABOUT YOURS? Just declare it and it will be so. Repeat this phrase, I need some time this weekend for just me. Two hours to start. Tell them you will be back. Then get in the car and go. Start with going for a drive and sitting somewhere alone in nature. Just breathe it in. Or go to a book cafe and have a relaxing cup of tea. I use to drive off in the car and look back at the empty car seats and sing the Who song. I'm FREE!.
Only you make your own breaks.
Good Luck.
PS Shut off the cell phone. Don't fall for the crying chld on the phone trick, he can handle his own kids just fine and you are allowing them to create DAD TIME

When our son came along, my husband and I made a plan that he would be responsible for taking care of the baby on Sunday mornings and Saturday afternoons. Even if we were all at home and the baby started to cry,it was good to know I didn't have to get up to handle it. I often did out of habit though. To get out of the house and have some "me" time, I volunteer with a theraputic riding center. I love horses and this is the only contact I get with them at this time, plus helping others is a refreshing, constructive way to get a break from baby. Even just going for a walk at the park by myself or going to Barnes & Nobel to sit read, and drink a latte or something was a refreshing break.

Anne-

You'll get some great advice here. As a mother of 5, 4 of which are 5 & under (crazy), I rarely get 'me' time. First of all, I had to figure out what I wanted. Okay, I wanted 2 hours of time with one friend. So I arranged to get the kids bathed after dinner, and left my hubby at 7:30 and came home at 9:30, two whole hours to sit without interruption! That helped. Another time I got a pedicure. I have also hired people to come in for 2-4 hours and just did housework. Sounds crazy, but it relaxes me to just get stuff done. You can have someone (grandma?) come get the 2 year old and just take a slow walk with the baby in the stroller during nap time. Your biggest enemy is yourself as you struggle every minute trying to do everything and have it all be right. Relax on yourself. Make a goal. We are about to move and stress can eat me alive if I let it. The key is to set a goal like pack 2 boxes when the twins (youngest) are down. Or vacuum the upstairs. Silly little goals that help you feel accomplished. I have a running list of everything I need done prior to moving and everything that needs done on a daily basis (like getting dressed!!). It helps me to mark off something, even just laundry (which gets cleaned and folded and placed on the appropriate dressers but rarely makes it into the dressers) I've way cut back on expectations of myself and feel better. Your family is #1, some days for me I just am happy everyone is dressed, fed & alive, though the office may still have a pile of craft items the baby just dumped out on the floor, well, I'll get to it later! On the list it goes! Take care, try to have fun each day with the kids and remember that the housework will always be there waiting, but the kids grow and eventually leave.

I completely understand where you are coming from! We have a 3-1/2 year old son and 2 year old daughter. I am a 41 year old SAHM. My husband works full-time and leaves between 5:30 & 6 in the morning and gets home anywhere between 5 & 9 at night! Sometimes the day is longer than others. We usually do something as a family on Saturday and then Sunday is my husbands day to relax. Although, he does watch the kids so I have time to do whatever....get a pedicure, go shopping(by myself), or whatever I choose. We also have a babysitter that I can call on if I really, really need a break at a moments notice!! My 3-1/2 year old can be a handful so I have called her on occasion.
As for unpacking, put/keep all the boxes in the garage and get to them when you can. We have lived in our house for over 1-1/2 years and we still have boxes in the garage that haven't been unpacked (and obviously nothing we're missing).
There will always be something that needs to be done but you need to realize that your babies are only babies for a short period of time so relax and enjoy that. When you need time for yourself, take it!
Good luck to you and your family!!

Hi Anne,
Oh, this makes PERFECT sense to those of us with more than one child! =) Take heart, we've all been where you are, and it DOES get better!

What helped me - I don't know if your newborn is on a schedule yet, but if not, put her on one. (I used BabyWise, but do whatever works for you.) Life instantly gets better when you can plan your life around when the baby eats, is awake, and sleeps, and the baby will be happier too. Plus, when the baby sleeps through the night, you will feel a whole lot better!!

Aside from that, I have learned that "me time" happens only when it is scheduled, and outside of my house. Back in the day, I used to be able to take a hot bath for an hour, but now, all that gets me is small children hurling themselves at the locked bathroom door and screaming, "Mommmmmyyyyy! I neeeeeed youuuuuu!" Not exactly relaxing. So I picked one thing (for me, scrapbooking with girlfriends) and scheduled that. At first, it was once a month for a few hours, because that's what I could manage. Now that my kids are older, I go more often. Maybe for you, it's going to get a pedicure, or having coffee with a friend. Whatever it is, hand the kids off to your husband or a sitter and tell them only to call you if they've also called 911. (Seriously.) Remember, the key to "me time" is, scheduled and away from your house.

Aside from that, it strikes me that you may have some post-partum depression going on. It is totally normal and completely understandable with the stress you're under. You may want to talk to your doctor about it. It's very easy for your doctor to prescribe meds, safe while breastfeeding, and for me anyway, made a world of difference in how I felt.

Best of luck, and hang in there!

Is there anything that you absolutely can't live without in those boxes? Probably not, you've been doing fine without whatever is in them for the past two months, and odds are you will do fine for another few months. I am a super high strung person, and I had to learn to just let things go for a while. I am of the new thought that everything will happen when it needs to. And right now, those boxes don't really need unpacking, so get to them when you can, and don't worry about them.

As for the me time, this may sound awful, but I just started making the time, and leaving when I knew that he could handle it. Now, like I said before, I am slightly high strung, so I don't go for long, but sometimes its either I go, or my sanity goes. So, during nap time when Mark is off I treat myself to a mani/pedi, or I head shopping. One thing that has definitely helped me stay sane is having a friend close by with a daughter similar in age to mine. Her daughter is crazy just like mine, so when we get together we don't worry about either of us judging the other ones kid (sounds crazy but we have another friend who thinks that our kids are the spawn of satan because they are loud and have fun) and just sit down and talk, go to Whole Foods for coffee, (they have an amazing play area and we can literally sit and have coffee for 2 hours without either kid bothering us!

Sometimes, you just have to make the time and go. Don't feel bad, don't go for longer then you can handle, but if you don't go then you are doing yourself and your kids a disservice. Can you be an awesome mom with this much stress? Let yourself go and have fun!

First of all take a DEEEEEEP breath! =) You have to realize that your babies will not be this age forever. You can unpack any time but kissing jelly rolls on your daughter's elbows will only come once in her lifetime. If you have to unpack then do it a box at a time and lie down for a nap. Get up half an hour earlier before they do (yea, I know, it's hard and a stretch) and do two. Put them down for the night and do two. Slowly but surely they will get done.
Or, ask a friend to come over and keep the babies occupied while you attack 5. When you are done offer them lunch. =)

As for "me" time. Figure out what evenings during the week you REALLY need time to yourself (2 to 3) and ask your husband to take charge. Let him bathe the kids, put them to bed and during that time take a bath, read a book, etc. BUT in exchange be willing to do the same for him...and squeeze in some sweetheart time too! It is too easy to let your relationship slide because you are too tired from being mom. If it takes a strict schedule to get the "me" and "sweetheart" time then do it. Be flexible and patient. This time will pass more quickly than you can imagine. =)

Hi Anne,

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. I remember this feeling well when I moved and had two babies 16 mos apart. I would recommend hiring a sitter or mother's helper to give you a break. Ask your neighbors or check with the local college to find a sitter. Moving is stressful and once you get settled, life will feel more manageable. Also, your hormones are still going through readjustment since having the baby, so expect to be more emotional for several more weeks. If you're breastfeeding, you may want to start storing milk now so that you can be free to leave the 2 month old with a sitter while you go for a walk, workout, go to a coffee shop or massage. Try and give yourself a checklist of things that need to be done and shoot for tackling one room per day. That will give you a sense of moving forward and a timeline for completing the job. You can also hire someone to help you unpack. Force yourself to go to bed by 8PM. Your body is still recovering from the birth of your baby. Put the two year old in front of a video, while you enjoy a cup of tea or coffee and a moment's peace before you begin your day...remind yourself that if you're relaxed and happy, your babies will feel that energy, so don't feel guilty about taking 1/2 hour in the morning to look at email and take care of your emotional needs. Good luck.

I'm like another one of the moms who responded...high strung. I stress easily and if things don't go a certain way I freak. Your baby is only a baby once and those boxes well don't sweat it. They'll be there later for you to go through. Put them somewhere out of sight and once a week pick one box, not two or three, just one and go through it while the little one is sleeping or in the bouncy. As for 'you' time find a mom's group. Look for MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) or something similar. Internet search for other groups. Once you find other moms in your area with a baby around the same age, the two of you can work on a friendship and start planning outtings once or twice a week. Ask your spouse to help out when he does get home, long enough for you to relax in the tub, go for a walk, call a friend on the phone, read a book and make it an uninterrupted time. Soon you'll find your groove, and believe me it doesn't happen overnight it will take some time and trial and errors, but it will happen.

Keep us updated I'd love to hear how your doing and what your finding is working for you.

Hugs fellow mom.

Hi Anne,

I was in your exact situation 5 years ago. We had moved into a house 3 weeks before the baby was born. I won't go into details as the other moms have already provided so much input.

I just wanted to say that for me personally, going back to work (I stayed home for 1.5 year taking care of the baby and trying to make the house a home) was my break.
I did feel guilty initially about leaving my baby for the day but just being at work talking and interacting with other adults about stuff other than diaper change, formula or anything baby was such a relief for me. I think it prevented me from seeing a head doctor :) I felt more able to deal with the stuff back at home after a work day. That's just me but I wanted to tell you that if going to work is something you feel like doing or want to do, then do it. No need about feeling guilty about the rest of the world. You have to do what you have to do to stay sane.

Best of luck

I like to listen to books on tape. They whisk me away while I'm sorting laundry or doing dishes. But honestly, the definition of me time changed drastically. I learned to be refreshed in different ways which if I mentioned, are things that wouldn't work for you because you have to find your own things. What helped most was accepting that this is the pace it would be for awhile, but it would change. They don't stay this small forever. I also take walks: three houses this way, and three houses that way and back. Just being outside helps. I joined a group called MOPs and that gave me one morning a week to myself. I also joined Las Madres which I would also recommend. I also recommend going to bed early. Good luck at finding your elusive peace.

Your stress is so normal and appropriate; and it reminds me of having been in your spot 30 years ago.

Does it help you to know that it will go away? For every practical matter, you have two babies at home. And it does not sound like your husband is available to give you a break. There is also very little support in our society for such a stress: once you are a stay-home mom, you are expected to do everything.

You are home, aren't you? So, the shopping, the laundry, the cooking and cleaning, and the babies and the rest of family relationships, should be under your control. And do not forget to unpack! And put the house in order!!

Let's be real: There are not enough hours in the day to do all of that. So, start with prioritizing: What is important to you? What make you fulfilled? What make you feel you are a good mom?

Is staying home with two babies fulfilling for you? Forget everything else, and think just about that. Going back to do part-time work is not such a bad idea, if the answer to the question is no.

If you decide staying home with your babies is something that makes you real happy, look at everything else you need to do and plan to outsource it, or postpone it.

Maybe unpacking will take longer than you thought. Maybe the house will be "done" in a year or so. You do what you can, and the priority is to be happy with your babies. This time is precious, and will not come back. Soon they will be 2/4, than 6/8 and before you know it they will go to college, and all you remember is how stressed you were.

Sourcing out might cost money: house cleaner, house organizer or less skilled work like a high school girl to do the unpacking. As I told a young mom: it is cheaper to hire a house cleaner than to pay a therapist.

In addition to all of that you can consult with your doctor to rule out postpartum depression.

Enjoy your babies! Take the steps to make it happen soon!

D. Orr
daliacoachesparents.com

You sound exactly like me! I have a 2 1/2 year old and 2 month old daughter. It is and has been really hard for me to take naps because I like to get things done and cannot relax in a messy/unorganized house. My big release is exercise and getting outdoors. Just an hour walk or an hour at the gym has made me a better parent because I am not only making time for myself but also exercise is a release. My husband and I switch where he will go do something for an hour and then I will go do something for an hour when he gets back. I find it helps me have more patience with my 2 year old. I know it is hard but instead of trying to tackle your entire house, just try to accomplish one thing a day. Try as hard as you can to put things off a little. People coming over to your house will understand because you have a new baby.

Can you find a "mothers helper" for a hour or so each day? Someone who can play with the kids while you relax a bit. To you have parents or in-laws that can help out or maybe a friend?
Can you join a moms group? Might help to meet other moms who are feeling overwhelmed.

Anne I was just about to post the exact same post...I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. Just had my 2nd son in Sept & I have 22 mth old son who's teething!! And I often find myself wanting to "run" away.

In fact last Friday night I did just that. It was a disasterous day, I didn't get any sleep the night before, baby was up w/ tummy problems & my 1st was just horrible screaming, whinning, crying etc. So when the hubby came home from work I told him I was leaving...Explained I have to get out. Told him what to cook for dinner & to go ahead and give the baby formula if he wakes up hungry!! You know what I did...I went to Target & just "looked" at things for couple of hours. Went to the book section and started reading some inspirational books etc. I think it was just enough to get me settle down for the night. I had some friends tell me I'd be surprised about how quick I would want to get back home. Wasn't so much the case for me, but I did get a good nights rest and was more refreshed the next day.

You'd be surprised about how understanding your hubby may be. Now mine may have been a little bit more understanding just cuz he's been working 12 hr days this past month so he knows he's pushing it with me at home by myself w/ the kids..But give it a try I think he'd understand. Also I've found networking sites like this & believe or not Facebook to be a great venting place.I know I didn't have much advice as I am going through the same thing. But I hope just knowing your not alone helps some :)