This Has Been Buggin' Me About Thanksgiving.

I'm confused. Did you invite her for her company or for the dish she would bring? I think it is rude you are offended she didn't do something you didn't ask her to do...

You've got to specify if you want them to bring something or not.
Some people are actually insulted if guests bring food when it wasn't asked for.

Just ask. People don't have the same ideas of Thanksgiving, as you. She might have been busy at the time with other things, and not even have thought about it! Be casual and ask for a side dish or desert, no big deal.

I strongly urge you to ask them to bring something since this is what you'd like for them to do. They can't read your mind. Some people prefer that others don't bring food. Perhaps she's one and so wouldn't think to ask.

Be assertive and tell people what you want.

I never bring anything unless asked to.

E., this has been bugging you since Thanksgiving?? Please let it go and enjoy your summer. You could have asked her to bring something. Maybe she was stressed about hubby not being there so she didn't think to offer. Really though, it is July 29th...let it go. :)

Be clear. Why should she know what you expect unless you tell her?

Like another person who posted, I too have known people who would be very offended if an invited guest turned up with food. This guest may have had that experience, or been raised in a family where you knew you never, ever brought food to Aunt Sadie's no matter how nicely you meant the gesture, because she'd spend the whole time huffing about how "I guess my cooking isn't good enough." Let this go. Sure, in your background or mine, it would be the "done thing" to at least offer, "What can I bring to help out?" But that is not everyone's experience or upbringing. Do you like this guest as a person? Is her company pleasant to you? If so, invite her again regardless of whether she reads your mind and brings food. If not, don't invite her at all. It's all about the enjoying the company, not keeping track of who did or didn't think to bring food to...a meal someone else offered to cook.

Yes, you should have asked if you wanted her to bring something. And like you said, "the host usually is making a gazillion things " so maybe she figured you had all the bases covered.

You invited her as a "guest" to a sit-down dinner, it wasn't a pot-luck lunch....obviously the two of you have different expectations. Just be clear this year when you invite her that you'd like her to bring something.

Good Golly its been 8 months. I don't mean to be harsh. I am very prone to feeling slighted too. I would just make it clear this year that everyone is bringing something. I have been married for almost 12 years and spent most of those past 12 Thanksgivings with my husbands family. Everyone is told what to bring when they agree to come to it and it is an integral item so no one dares not bring what they promised to do. Most people bring what they are supposed to and then some. In your invitees defense I do know that with a huge gathering some people look at two guests as being hardly any to consider and don't really think they need to bring anything for everyone.

She may be from a family where her mom did all of the cooking so it may not have occurred to her...

Tell her that she is welcome to bring one of her family favorites...

People are raised differently. I dated a guy once who's mother would get offended if someone offered to bring food to a dinner that she was hosting. She felt like it was insulting to her cooking skills and her hospitality.

it's been 8 months and you haven't been able to let this go?

No one can read your mind and not everyone has the same expectations...what works for one - doesn't always work for the other...so instead of fretting over this THIS year...state your expectations in advance so you don't feel slighted...

Personally? I cook enough for an Army - so I don't ask people to bring food to a party I am hosting...if they ask - I tell them something easy - but when I'm hosting a party - I don't expect people to bring food my home..

I love it when people offer to bring a dish (even though I usually turn them down). My mom (who is a chef, and loves to entertain) HATES IT when people bring a dish, because she crafts her menus carefully, pairs them with wines, etc. (You can tell the Martha gene skipped me, haha!) My SIL, who lives in Italy, finds it offensive (as if you don't like her cooking) if you bring a dish. I learned that the hard way when we went to visit. I brought a dessert and she was SO offended. :-/ I think different cultures approach this differently sometimes.

Just ask her if she'd mind bringing a dessert (that way she can pick up a pie at Marie Callendar's if she's not a good cook! ;), or the cranberry relish (hard to screw that up), or the dinner rolls. She may not have realized that you'd welcome her bringing something.

Yes, I think most people think to do that. If they don't offer, I'd say, "Hey, would you mind bringing either a desert or veggie dish?" It wouldn't bother me in the least if someone said that to me....

EXPECTING a guest to offer to bring something IS unreasonable. Unless you specify that the meal is a potluck, the assumption is that the host(ess) will provide everything.

That said, most people I know, myself included, DO ask the host(ess) if there is anything they can bring.

When I host, I don't expect guests to bring anything. IF someone asks, I tell them the menu I have planned and say, "If you want to bring something to go with that, it would be welcome, but don't feel obligated." Sometimes, people will offer to provide one of the dishes I have on the menu, which is always nice, since it's that much less work for me. But again, I never EXPECT a guest to bring anything unless it's a potluck.

UNLESS the Host, says that it is a POT-LUCK... a person is not obligated, to bring any food.

Not all people, especially if they are young, know about how to be a mannered guest and bring a token 'gift' or food for the Host.

NO big deal.
Or maybe she doesn't have a lot of money.

Again, UNLESS the Host, specifies that it is a Pot-Luck... a person is not obligated, to bring a food item.
And, each person, depending on how they grew up... has their own point of references, per traditions and what is expected.
And it also depends on their culture too.

Also, that is a long time for it to be bothering you.
But sure, Thanksgiving is around the corner I guess.

When I am invited to someones home for a meal I don't offer to bring something. That seems rude to me. They invited me, I didn't ask if I could come.

On the other hand, if I am friends/buddies with this person then I know it's more of a pot luck kind of meal and I know it's accepted to find out what everyone else is bringing.

As I've gotten older, I've had to accept the fact that not everyone's parents taught them the same lessons mine did. That doesn't make them rude or tacky. I always bring something to someone's house, even if it's just a bottle of wine. But, not everyone was raised like that. It would bug me, too, but I would probably let it slide. However, for next year, I would ask her to bring something special from her family traditions.

The polite thing would have been for her to ask what she can bring since you invited her but I think since its at your house and your hosting its not required for anyone to bring anything. Personally I would but not everyone thinks like that. If you need help just call her back and let her know you need her to bringing something. No biggie I wouldn't think! Can't wait for thanksgiving!!

If hubby is unable to go to thanksgiving, I would assume he is working... and low man on the totem poll so not paid well. Money could be tight. I know that we had a few years where we were living below poverty line and unable to be together for holidays.

I haven't read the other responses, but if I were the friend I would have figured that there would be enough food to feed an army considering it was a Thanksgiving dinner. If I were attending a Thanksgiving dinner and it was just myself and my child I would know that the 2 of us don't eat very much at all, so I don't know if it would have occurred to me to offer to bring a dish. I think that it's odd that you are still stewing about Thanksgiving when we are already 4 months away from this coming Thanksgiving. It was just 2 extra people.

This really depends on the cultural/social upbringing of the person. My in laws are Filipino and Catholic and I swear almost EVERYTHING is a potluck (other than weddings and showers.) I love to cook and contribute so I quickly bought into this mentality.
Personally, if I am hosting it depends on the occasion. If it's a holiday then yes, I will ask for contributions (we usually have 40 to 50 people show up.) But, for example when I had a HS grad party for my son last month I did NOT expect anyone to bring anything, and even declined a few offers from family members.
If my family was smaller, say under 12 to 15 people, I wouldn't expect anyone to bring anything if I offered to host, but I sure would appreciate it if they did :)

she should have offered, she didn't, you're inviting her again....it's the Holidays, don't sweat the small stuff

If you wanted something you should have asked. You are a host who provides. Better stop hosting if this bugs you. I always think it's very nice if someone happens to bring something, but it's absolutely no problem if they don't.

The polite thing to do is to offer to bring a dish. If she does not you could say something like "we are asking all our guest to contribute a dessert to share" or whatever it is you wanted them to bring.

Now, I do generally ask whether there is something I can bring. But sorry, I really dislike when someone brings food to a party I am hosting.Now I do appreciate when someone asks what they can do. And I will ask people to bring ice.

Don't be offended where no offense was intended. I seriously doubt she chose not to bring something just to offend you. So stop stewing over this. People are different and some don't have the social graces of others. I would ask if I could bring something. Maybe she doesn't get invited out much and doesn't know she should do that.

I do Thanksgiving every year. I actually enjoy the cooking and having the company over and couldn't care less if anybody brought anything. I'm just thankful to be surrounded by people I love.

If you host it again this year, try to change your attitude. Don't do it if you can't afford to or don't want to do it all.

You know talking about Thanksgiving, last year I went to my in-laws for dinner. We spent the night the day before and had dinner with them and went home Thanksgiving day. I brought pancake mix. Chicken salad and bread. Cookies. Green bean Casserole. Sweet potatoes. And the Turkey. I helped prepare. I helped clean up. We left. Months later I found a letter to my S.O. complaining about what an ungrateful wretch I am because I expected them to feed me and my kids and wait on me hand and foot because I didn't do anything. I spent 100 dollars on food alone for that day. I worked my but off and barely sat down all day. As far as I can tell we live in completely different realities. I would say differing perspectives, but . . . wow . . . our views are very different.

So I guess I have to ask you, are you sure she didn't offer? Was she so distracted in her head with life that she thought she offered, but didn't? Her husband didn't come which is a pretty big deal, was she distracted with stuff like that? Was she feeling overwhelmed with life and a little spacey? Is it part of her family culture that you bring food or is she young enough that she is used to mom making everything?

I am like you and as the holiday approaches, thoughts of last year loom high in my mind. However, I will not be going back to my in-laws. Thanksgiving is a time for me to appreciate what I have, not worry about everyone and everything.

Among my group of friends, I do the majority of the hosting because being from the south, it just seems to be a part of who I am and I really enjoy it. That being said, yes, my friends do offer to bring things but I almost always tell them to just bring themselves and let me enjoy preparing and treating them to dinner. Personally, I am going to agree with the others who have pointed out that you really need to get over this, it's not that big of a deal. You haven't been "wronged" enough to hold on to this kind of bitterness...think about what has happened in our country and world since last Thanksgiving...think about all the people in the south (AL and MO especially) who won't have a joyful Thanksgiving this year because they lost everything (homes and loved ones) in those devastating tornados. It seems to me that you missed the point of Thanksgiving altogether. Being thankful that you had the home and means to provide a wonderful meal to share with family and friends. Honestly, if I was this woman and I got wind that you had been harbouring this kind of resentment to me for not offering to bring some bread, I wouldn't want to come back this year. That just doesn't sound like a true and genuine friendship. Sorry, I don't mean to sound so harsh, I promise. Like another mom said, don't sweat the small stuff and believe me, this is small stuff.

Bringing a bottle of wine or a dessert is pretty common when going to an event like this. Just ask her next time. I'm sure she just didn't think about it. Enjoy your holiday and enjoy your time with her!

It's polite to offer to bring something or come with a host/hostess gift like a box of candy or bouquet of flowers when you are invited someplace for dinner, but perhaps not everyone was raised that way. I was raised with those manners. However, if you are still stewing over this every day, 8 months later, I would suggest that you lighten up a bit. This is not a huge tragedy in life. If you are going to be so resentful about it, DO NOT invite her again. You said that it's not a big deal, but if you're still not over it, it apparenly IS a big deal to you.

It's very nice of you to invite her and other friends and to go to all the trouble you do with the dinner and making your home welcoming to all. However, if you expect someone to bring something, you should ask them to. It's kind of weird that you would be so bothered by such a small thing that happened 8 months ago! If it bothers you so much that people don't offer to do something for you when you do something for them-don't offer. I think you should just let it go, if you invite them this year, ask for something if that's what you want. If it doesn't really matter, then don't ask and don't worry about it!

When I'm invited, I ALWAYS ask what I can bring. I hate coming empty handed. Sometimes the host feels awkward asking. If she's persistant and tells me to please NOT bring anything, I will bring a very small hostess gift.
Of course, when one is invited they aren't obligated, but it is still polite to ask, especially since some people have large holiday dinners...sometimes 20-30 people. When people ask me what they can bring, I suggest something very simple.
BTW, I was invited to my cousin's house for Thanksgiving last year which she never referred to as being potluck. I asked what I could bring, and she asked me to bring the turkey! I didn't even get a thank you...still bugs me, E., so don't worry that it's been so long since Thanksgiving. You're probably starting to think about it since it'll be here before you know it.

Well, people usually ask what they can bring, so I wouldn't ask specifically for something if she doesn't....
I guess you could mention something like 'Can you do a dessert?' Or "do you think this is enough vegetables...?"

I don't think it's wrong to expect believe to offer to bring something & every time I've attending a holiday at another person's house, I've offered to bring something. It's common courtesy to at least offer, IMO. We all know how stressful entertaining can be, and the hostess is almost always thankful for a contribution from guests. Obviously, some people don't know this or don't think they should bring anything, so it's easier to make it clear & let them know that you're providing x items, but that you're asking others to pitch in for the sides.

I think most people do offer to bring something when they're invited to dinner. To me, it's the courteous thing to do. However, I do know a very few women that are actually offended if someone offered to bring something. They consider it a slight as if "what they have planned/cooked/prepared isn't good enough". Yes, I know that's an extreme, but it happens.

In this case, it almost seems to be miscommunication. You're obviously friends, so maybe next time just talk about what you're planning for the meal, and ask for her input, or help. She probably just didn't know....

I've been invited to Thanksgivings and didn't mention bringing something because the hostess, whether she realized it or not, just talked about all her plans and I couldn't speak over her excited chatter. So I just brought something and the hostess was pleasantly surprised. I'd simply ask my guest if they can bring something particular or ask if they'd mind doing a last minute run on Thanksgiving.

If she comes from a different culture, she could have considered rude to bring her own food to a home-cooked holidays meal, things work differently in different countries. For example in Italy it is considered beyond rude for the host to ask the guest to bring food, unless they belong to the same family or are close friends. It's like inviting me to dinner in restaurant and expect me to pay my share...unless it's decided in advance I suppose you invited=you pay, it would be considered tacky otherwise. The kind guest, on the other hand, will always bring a nice bottle of wine or some pastries or flowers (without being asked) to thank the host and show her appreciation for the invitation. So, in my view, you are both "at fault": you could have been more direct and tell her the kind of Thanksgiving she was getting invited to (potluck), and she could have been a more gracious guest by showing up (without being asked) with a plant for you or something. You are perfectly even.

I host all the holiday parties for my large extended family and when I make the phone calls to invite everyone, I politely ask each of them to bring a specific dish. No one minds because they want to contribute and not free load.

you can't really ask her to bring something. but yes, it was rude of her not to offer. if it was me, i wouldn't just show up with something, but i would ask, "can i bring anything?" usually the hostess will brush it off, "oh no, just yourselves!" but if they wanted me to bring something i absolutely would. i'm not sure i'd just show up with a pie or anything - some people are protective of their hard work and it could be considered rude, or like i was trying to show up their efforts or something. ya know? just one of those things. either get over it or it will drive you batty. especially if you expect the same scenario this year. lower your expectations of her and then if she does offer, you'll be pleasantly surprised :)

Ask her nicely to bring a "specific" something....Nothing at all wrong with that, I know I do since my Thanksgiving includes me, my kids and husband and all his friends and brothers, no women..If I didn't tell them what to bring, I'd be in the same boat..lol...Don't be a doormat..

I also think you should be clear, if you want others to pitch in you should say so. Otherwise if you should assume hosting a party that you are the one doing the hosting/cooking.
Yes it would be nice if the people invited would offer but you really can't assume thAt everyone will.

E.,
Wow!! I think it's exceptionably rude that your friend didnt offer to bring anything to Thanksgiving dinner. Even if you said that she didn't need to bring anything, she then should have brought you a small gift for hosting such a large meal.
You are not crazy for being bothered by that.
In saying that, if you are going to invite her again, either assign something for her to bring, or lower your expectations.
Best of luck!!
H.

This is the one celebration which we expect to do a lot of work. And we do it gladly, since it brings so many of family and friends together. You could ask for a potatoes of jams dish, or you could very casually "hint". Say something like,
'could you get some bread from the bakery on your way here? Or, "Someone else is bringing dessert, we would love to try your_____." Or ice. Nothing really expensive, just a "you could at least bring flowers" message.
When we host, my husband doesn't ask for anything. And everybody still brings something.
When I'm invited and I haven't offered to bring something, I still bring either wine, bread, or flowers. That's the way I was raised.

I think it is reasonable to expect them to at least offer to bring something but if they don't it is ok to say "Can you bring some rolls?" or "Would you mind bringing a pie?". Do this right after they accept the invite.

Last year, we didn't "do" Thanksgiving. Instead, my church hosted Thanksgiving. They provided the turkey(s) and each family that signed up to attend also volunteered to bring a dish. It was a blast and no one had to do all the work. I thought that was a great idea.

I am currently a huge fan of not assuming everyone's playing by the same rules. There is something so charming about bringing something to a host(ess) when you attend an event but I view invitations as exactly that. If you invite me to your house to consume your (we assume) fabulous cooking then that's what I'll expect to do. If you want me to pitch in or think it might be fun for everyone to share their favorite recipes, throw that sort of celebration. That Thanksgiving I mentioned was so much fun because we all made our favorite dishes and, really, who the heck puts all spice in their deviled eggs?! I'd never heard of that but it was super fun to taste! And the woman that made it got to know so many people while she walkered around the room letting everyone know she doesn't usually use quite that much. :-P

This is true for all events I throw now. When I invited guests to my daughter's birthday party, I didn't expect gifts for her because nothing was ever said about them. So we all relaxed and ate our banana splits and had a great time.

Conversely, guests DO need to communicate too. If you're aware that I am making special arrangements for your lactose intolerant kids at an ice cream party and don't bother to tell me you've changed your mind about attending, I'm going to get annoyed. I don't like sorbet quite that much, thank you.

So I say, yes, ask if you'd like to see them contribute. Most of the time, I would expect your guests will be more than happy to help out. And if you don't ask and pull of the perfect celebration then revel in the pride that is all yours! :-D

I don't think of thanksgiving as a pot-luck type affair and usually plan the meal out and prep all the dishes myself expecting nothing more of my guests but their cheerful company. Anything else seems like trolling for gifts. If I can't afford to host the dinner, I do not send out invitations.

Well, first off you didn't ask her to bring a dish. It is a nice gesture to bring a dish, but maybe she wasn't raised that way. Or maybe her family now never asks or requires her to bring one, so she never thinks about it. I'd stop wasting my worry on something so trivial that happened last year. Just make sure you ask for a dish next time. And I think it is really nice that you do this for your friends. People need people like you.

It's easier to just ask her to bring something rather than agonize over it. I mean when you invite people for dinner some usually say what can I bring. If they don't then maybe you should ask them to make a dish you know they're good at.

Some hosts get offended if you bring something. My extended family is like that, outside a few of them, so I wouldn't bring anything unless asked. On the other hand I would offer and ask if you wanted me to bring something, but I have friends that aren't allowed to bring anything within their extended family either and don't think to offer because of that "not allowed" habit of their extended families. But just from another view that could be where she was coming from. That or she figured you made everything and her bringing a duplicate of something would put a damper on things and make it awkward. That isn't a situation I would want to be in lol.