"Thinking About Divorce"

That is scary.... I cannot believe you said I do. How long have you two been married? Could you see someone about the marriage? Is that even an option for you two? Tell him how you feel and see what he has to say.

Hi M.,

This sounds tough. Can you try and remmember what it was that made you both so happy before you got pregnant and try to rehash some of those times/ memories. If that doesn't work, there is always counseling. Don't give up too easily.

If all else fails, in the state of NC you have to be seperated for a year before you can divorce. You could always try that and see what it will be like without him. If you feel you are better off, then maybe you're right and a divorce is the best situation or you may find that you can't live without him and you were crazy to think you could. Either way, if you're not happy- that's no way to live. If you two start fighting because you're both unhappy- that's not great in front of your son either.

Just know that your son does not have to be without a father. That's not what divorce means.

I also have one other question...you say you think he was with you to get you pregnant?!?! If anyone has more control over that, I would think it was you...

M., first theres nothing wrong with being a single mother. yeah, there are questions when they get older but remember your child still has a father wether your together or not. the most common mistake is that people believe that they have to stay together for the children...no you don't. a child knows when mom or dad just aren't happy, it gets down to them. he may be a baby but trust me he knows whats going on. you gotta do you!! do whats gonna make you happy. you said it already, you have a degree and can afford to handle your situation. your too young to become miserable.if being on your own is whats gonna make you happy then mama, start getting your head in order if not then you need to work on saving your marriage. no one can tell you the right answer. in the back of your mind you already have your mind made up, if you need a cheerleader than i'll be it. i'm 29 and almost went thru the same thing. i'm a single mom have been for a 6 years yeah it was hard but i survived and i married a great man and now i have a 21 month old. it will get harder but it has to hurt inorder to get better, if anyone says otherwise, their leing. hope all is well, if you want to talk ____@____.com.

Having a baby puts ALOT of stress on a marriage especially a "new" one. It could just be a baby rut as I like to call them. He is used to more attention from you, and your used up by the end of the day from caring for your little one. It happens to almost everyone. I would encourage you to try to hang on a little longer and see if it gets better. often it does as your baby gets older and not so needy.

Hi M.,

I'm 29 and married to a man 16 years my senior. We dated for 8 months before I got pregnant, and we didn't get married until our son was 6 months old. We were on the verge of breaking up when we found out I was pregnant. We weren't in love and we didn't really like each other at that point. He was set in his ways, divorced with two boys, and didn't want to change. I didn't believe in abortion and I could have taken care of our son without him. However, we decided that we were going to talk things through and in the end we married and fell in love. In that order. I suffered from postpartum and he and I are taking meds for depression. It kills our sex drive. Is your husband on meds? Birth control kills mine, too. It's frustrating. He travels with his job and I'm at home a lot with our kids...we now have 2.

We accept that we aren't perfect and we come with baggage. We wanted to work at it. It's NOT easy. We disagree on a lot of things, but we respect each others opinions.

We've hit a rough patch. No sex, arguing about finances and the kids and whose responsibility is what. Through all of this we decided that divorce is not the answer. We aren't prepared to throw in the towel for circumstances in life. If we don't go through it together, we go it alone, or with someone else. I guess the question would be, who do you want to be with when the times are good or bad? If he's not the answer, then you probably have your answer.

I know exactly how you feel. It is hard. I have learned in my very young life that life is short and the things that really matter are those that make life worth living for like true love and happiness. It sound like you are lacking both and both are worth fighting for. After being in different types of relationships and learning from the relationships of others I have learned that it isnt worth it to be w/ someone who isnt compatible with you. it is not fair to you or your daughter or him for you to be together for the wrong reasons. I even bothered to give you advise because I have finally found the right person for me and now i am a believer. it is possible to find someone that you are truly compatible with and let me tell you, there is no better feeling. put it this way, there are over 8 million people in the world. there has to be one out there that is right for you. dont give up hope and seek out happiness. it will be worth it in the end.

You are in a really tough situation M.. I want to tell you first that i do not judge you for thinking about leaving. I have in the past as well. I ultimately decided to stick it out because, for me, I feel like I would be lost without him. Not in an unhealthy way. I do believe in my heart of hearts he is my soulmate and i was supposed to stick it out. I try to look at the positives and what i do have now, rather than what i don't. But that's me. It doesn't sound that way with you, at least from what you wrote. So, here is my advice for you...

First, have you considered counseling - the 2 of you i mean? If you do love each other, but just don't feel "in love" or on the same page" or if you do want to put energy into trying at this, i would start there. But honestly, if you don't even feel you can do that, I probably would look at divorce. I can't believe I'm saying that - because I am a Christian, and divorce is usually reserved for the abusive cases or something like that. But after experiencing the hardships of marriage, i had to ask myself - Is this a marriage to begin with? Is this what God meant for marriage to be? If it's not, and you don't feel like counseling would be the route to take, then yes, i would have to say get out. You're right - you don't want to look back later and still be miserable, and have wasted more years of your life. I know you must want to be happy and have a full life - whether it's single or married. Do what you feel in your heart you need to do. And if you want to try counseling ,...... alot of times you do that, and then if you still want out at the end, you might feel better knowing you tried to do what you could have at the end there.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Children really need their fathers - they aren't just a "paycheck", they provide lots of things emotionally and psychologically growing up that a mother can't do alone. Even if you divorced him, he would not be out of your life since you have a child together. You will have to interact with him basically for the rest of your child's life - at least his childhood, and probably longer. Please seek counseling and/or prayer. If you can't afford counseling, there are many churches that would be happy to help you, and lots of mom's groups that can provide support for you and your child. It sounds like your marriage is very difficult, but life is difficult. Divorce would be extremely difficult as well - it is NOT the easy way out. Have you told your husband about the problems you are having with his lifestyle and your marriage?

If you need help finding help, I would be happy to try to do that for you - with you - just send me a personal message. I will pray for you and your family. God bless you.

ok I was in a marriage like this one. I was miserable so I know how you feel. He never wanted to have sex with me unless he watched "shows" ( hint hint) We never talked. He was in the military and was 3 hours away so when he came home we had our separate lives. Even though my son did not come from him he is from the wonderful man i eventually met later and married but dont worry about being a single mother. I watched my mom do it for a long time. Think about your son and you. He will start to see the difference between you two and as time goes by it will affect him also. You say you have a good job to support him and you. I say if you are this unhappy do what you ahve to do. BUT.... dont be quick to jump. Tell him how you feel and see if it can be fixed. If it cant or you just dont want to. Take care of your son and yourself and dont worry about it. You have to be happy to be a good mommy. Hope I could help. Good luck.

I am certainly no professonal...but i think you need to sit down and talk to him before you do anything that can't be undone. I think you need to tell him how you are feeling and if he is not willing to work on all the things that you need well then...do it for you. you would not want to walk away not know if you could ahve done everything that you could to save your marriage...
S.

You are going to have to do a lot of soul searching and decide what is right for you. I would say, at least give counselling a try, if you can't talk to your husband face-to-face about what is bothering you. He may have a different viewpoint of your marriage and not even realise how distressed you are. Yes, marriage is hard work. This is my 2nd husband and we've been married for 22 years in a couple of months ... it's pretty uch plain sailing now but those first few years, I think we had a lot more downs than ups. He was 21, and took on my 3 children (10, 11 and 13) and fireworks were a daily event as they all melded into a family unit. People didn't tthink we'd make it, but you know what, many of the "perfect" marriages of our friends fell apart and we're still here. If you can work through your problems you make your marraige stronger.

However, if you are truly unhappy and try to work things out, and nothing works, then maybe parting would be the right thing to do. Parting as friends would be preferable to enemies, and obviously your son would need to be able to spend time with his father as he grows up.

It really may be that he does not realise you are so unhappy and that talking might resolve things for you. Maybe he thinks he is doing his part by "providing"and allowing you to stay home and be a mom. He may have ideas that women don't like to be "bothered" for sex when they have small children (men have their issues too!)

Do you have family for support? People that could care for your son while you worked, if you were to become single again? Or would you need to place him into daycare?

You have a lot to think about. I would defnitely say to talk to a counsellor, even if you go alone. They have better insights. And try to talk to your husband, let him know the depth of your unhappiness and that you are contemplating divorce, ask him waht you can both do to try to save your marriage. If he doesn't want to work at it, then at least you made an effort.

Sometimes marriage can be so hard, but many things can be worked out - the other person just doesn't realsie how you feel until you tell them.

Take care. HTH

R.:)

I'm sorry you're not happy in your current situation. Have you expressed to him how you feel? Marriage is definitely a challenge esp. with the changes in having an infant. My husband and I had our baby fairly quickly too and he travels alot. Do make the effort to ask how he's feeling because I'm sure he's got alot on his mind too. Don't give up yet and keep trying. I was reading a mommy book recently and it said to not make any drastic decisions during the first year of a baby's life due to the huge changes that parents are experiencing. The hormones, inability to maintain a social life, date nights like the ole days, and more factors that make you second guess your marriage.

Be strong and talk about it before you make any big decisions.

I am responding because I can completely understand what you are going through. I am turning 24 this year and the father of my son just turned 40. We were together for 8 months before i got pregnant, but like yours, he worked all the time and he was always gone. The only time i saw him is when he came home between 12-3 (he worked at a club some nights) and when he came home, Id fix him something to eat, wed have sex and he would go to sleep. I felt like thats all our relationship was and thats all that he wanted. I started having the same feeling once i got pregnant. I just didnt want sex I didnt want to talk I wanted to get out of the relationship and be done with it. I thought alot about it and half way through the pregnancy I broke it off. I would just suggest that you take as much time as you can to think it over. I dont regret leaving him. he stills sees his son, he sends money and I keep him updated on how the baby is doing. I even let the baby keep his last name. So think about it. talk to him cause it could be a slight depression, but if you didnt really want to marry him at the start it could be that you know it was never going to work.

weird bc im thinking the same thing so im not gonna be giving advice just letting u know ur not alone...ive been married 3 year and have a 2 year old and i just feel like im now only wasting time with him...its so hard being in a family and making these decisions...i started therapy 2day actually and im still just as confused...i mean do all couples settle when they know they deserve more? we are miserable 2gether and if im home he leaves and vice versa...i dont know when we started hating each other but we did and honestly im not scared to be alone anymore bc we honestly get seperated every few months and i tried so hard in the beginning to make it work im just ready to give up and be a better mom without him in the house...i mean i know life is hard but i'd be more willing to go thru the hard times with someone i actually loved and could be a team with...im 27 also and getting no younger...im in Columbia SC if ur in this area shoot me an email maybe we could help each other...hope u get it worked out, i know how u feel girl!

Hey M. I was reading your problem and I wanted to try to help you. I am a single mom and I have been divorced for about four years. All though my situtuation is a little different because I had no choice to leave my ex because of his violent behavior and his horrible drug use. I know what your are going through because after I had my son. My Ex and I grew apart having a baby is hard to get use to but if I were you if he is not doing anything like drugs or cheating maybe you guys need to go talk to someone and try to get the lines of communication back on track the only reason why i say this unless you guys have a good divorce and remain friends it is rough on the children and you have to deal with child support and visitation and the expense of getting a divorce. but just think long and hard before you decide on anything i hope this helps you if you need any other advice you can email me at ____@____.com or check out my website www.familyrightsadvocacy.com this is a non profit organization i am trying to get going for single parents

Hi I am a divorced mom and now remarried to the greatest man. It took me 15 years to get away from my 2 daughters dad and I would hate to to see anyone else go through that. We had been together since I was 15 and he was 22, got married when i was 21, and finally got divorced almost 2 years ago. I was not happy through alot of our relationship and then got married after both of our daughters were born which was a big mistake. Dont get me wrong I would not trade in our girls for the world. I guess what I am trying to say without boring you with my life is that if things are not happy it is best to get out now. your son even as young as he is can feel the tension between you 2 and if you are not happy its just not good to stay. I would sit him down and talk and let him know how you feel and arrange visitation and things for your son

I am on my second marriage. Although I did not go through the same situation as you have, I thought I would give my opinion/advice. We had a lot of problems, mostly him getting arrested for voyurism (sp?). I only left after three years of marriage. We went through two years of marriage counseling before I realized that there was no way we could fix the problems. Now, some may say, "what a waste of time, those two years in counseling". But I was really glad that I tried. I can now look back and say that I tried everything I could to make the marriage work. I feel no regrets and no "what if's". My Dad gave me that advice while int he middle of all the craziness. I hope it can give you some help. I am totally sympathetic of your sex life, or lack there of. If I can be of anymore help, even a shoulder to cry (or vent) on, feel free to write me.

M., no one can tell you what to do with your life. I know we can give addvice but only you can make the changes that you need to make.. try talking to him and see where it takes you. I understand you dont want to be a single mom, nobody plans to be. but it does happen, more now then ever.. I was a single mom for a few year and it was hard because he was not in the picture wanted nothing to do with me or our child even to this day. but I am now married to a wonderful man and have a complete family. but just fallow your heart and listen to your Angels.. an if you want to talk, look me up.. Good Luck ! B.

if you want to save the marriage i would defin. recomend counseling. try it it works. good luck...kay

I'm going through the same. I am in the army and so is my husband. While we were engaged, he left for Korea for a year. WHen he came home midtour, we got married. Our problems started then: constantly arguing, lack of support through problems, etc. When he came home we worked it out, but he brought his brother to live with us. That began even more problems. A month after he got home, I got pregnant. We were fine again for a few weeks then problems crept up again. He hit me once right before mothers day. I should have left him then, but I stayed. A month later he cheated on me and got her pregnant. She later lost the baby, but that's not the point. He didnt' care if he gave me or our daughter an STD. I still stayed because I didn't want to break up our growing family. Then he left for Iraq. We were ok the first few months. He came home a few days after the baby was born. We were great. He left and problems crept up again. He began accusing me of stealing his money, which i didn't. It was in another accoutn like he told me to do with it. He accused me of cheating with a guy I hadn't seen or heard from in 10 years. I still stayed. Then what ended it for me was when he denied that he was the father of my little girl. I hadn't been with anyone else in 3 years and i knew without a shadow of a doubt he is her father. So I filed for separation and in a few months will file for divorce. I'm already a single mom because he's not here to help raise her. So what's the biggy about me moving out and starting over in a new place without him? If your husband is gone all the time, you know the life of a single mom already. So being without him won't be too big of a deal. Don't stay with him if you are scared to be a single mom. You already know the life! I stayed in my marriage longer than I should have and I regret putting myself and my unborn child at the time through the stress. You will be ok without your husband. You will be so much happier once you are officially on your own. Email me if you need anything at all cuz I know what you are going through. It took me a while to finally say it's time to go because i was scared also.

I know it must be scarey to be in the situation you are in. Sometimes just voicing your worries helps relieve some of the stress. My advice would be to 'give it your best shot' and make at least one big effort to try and make your marriage work. Whatever way you want is up to you, talking to your husband about your concerns, going to counceling, etc. THEN, if it doesnt work out, you know that you tried. You wont later have the 'What if's'.

It can be really hard to make that step to leave/seperate/divorce. I know there are a hundred things racing through your mind. It's scarey to step off into the big unknown.
I am a Mom who went through a divorce when my daughter was 18 months old. It was a very touch decision to make. We were very good friends who fell in love and got married, but really should have just stayed friends. He was a wonderful guy and I love him dearly to this day, but we just werent good together as a married couple. Coming to that decision was a long and painful journey. I realized we could either stay married 'for our daughters sake' and be unhappy and miserable which our daughter would surely pick up on. Or we could go our seperate ways and all of us have a chance to be happy. About a year and a half after we got divorced, my ex husband and I both re-married. I can honestly say that these past 13 years with my current husband have been the best of my life. We've been so happy together and there is never a thought in my mind about ever getting divorced (which makes you realize you KNOW when you've found THE ONE). My daughter has had the opportunity to grow up in a home where her parents love and respect each other and believe me, its had such a positive influence on her. She knows what a loving family is supposed to be like and what she wants her own to be like someday.

Whatever path your journey takes you, be strong, know that you can get through it. Life is too short to stay in any situation that makes you miserable and unhappy.

I under stand, my husband and I just separated we have two children one 14 months and one 16 days. It's hard but if your relationship is not loving, it would be better for the children to leave and if he is at work as much as my husband, it's like he has already left.
I hope the best for you.

Dear M.,
Wow, you've got yourself in a pickle (sorry to be so corney). My only advice to you, and I don't give out advice that I haven't already somewhat experienced. I think that is somewhat hippocritical when people give advice that they've never experienced before. To be honest when I first read you "Request," I didn't picture a very good mental image of you, BUT another lesson I've learned in life is that DO NOT JUDGE someone if you've never walked in their shoes, plus it's a sin to judge. Anyway my first question, is your marriage salvagable? Have you considered marriage counseling? Or do you just want out? Moving on, about your son, he will not be without a father. He has one, he'll just have to visit him every other weekend or whatever ya'll plan out. My opinion is to try to save your marriage if you love your husband, if not go ahead and get a divorce. I went through the same thing only my ex and I were close in age but at the time I figured I'd stay miserable for the rest of my life in order not to hurt someone's feelings and then we did have a son together also. Just remember this, if you remain in the marriage unhappy, it will show and your son will absorb all of this. After realizing this revelation I found out that my son would grow up healthier mentally with a happy mother instead of a miserable one. Divorce is hard on any child including the rest of your extended family too. Some family members can be really nasty with things of this sort. Your son is only 9 months and by the time he is old enough to realize that mommy and daddy don't live together it will be the norm for him. Just please do yourself a favor, don't expose him to other men. When I went through my divorce my son was 4. I'd been married since 16 and never got to experience life so I wanted to make up for lost time. My son NEVER knew of that life. I didn't bring men around or invite them to spend the night. This may not even be your objective but trust me you'll respect yourself much more if you keep your personal life to yourself and not involve your son in it. NOW maybe if you meet the "right" man, date him for a while before and make sure that he is WORTHY of meeting your son. Remember you son should be the main man in your life but your can't let him take advantage of that status when he gets older. I hope for the best and will keep you in my prayers. Maybe that's what you need, some deep prayer and ask God what to do. Until then, take care.

Sincerely,
T.

Adjusting to marriage is a very difficult task. Marriage takes time, energy, effort, prayer, compromise, a rock solid commitment and a host of other factors to make it work. After being single for so long (he longer than you), you suddenly have to learn to share everything, think of someone else's schedule, feelings, etc. Ideally, you would have been married for a year, or more, before you added a baby to the already chaotic mess of marriage. But, time was not on your side. No matter how long a couple has been married, it is tough to re-adjust your lifestyle to fit your precious bundle. You are suddenly expected to clean the house, cook the meals, get the mail, work a full-time job, take care of an infant, do the laundry, take care of a husband, be a sex kitten, etc., ALL on little to no sleep. The demands of being a wife and mother are overwhelming (that's putting it lightly) and more than one marriage has suffered because of it. But, there may be hope for you. Think back to what drew you to your husband in the first place. What made you fall head over heels in love and give up your single-gal status? Is "it" still there? I know that you are ready to just give up and go the other way. But, if you can still find the "it", then take a moment to think about what your husband may be thinking or feeling. Extra stress about being a good provider for two people, instead of one? Bills? The debate between needing to be at home and not wanting to give up the excellent salary that travelling provides? Is there possibly something work-related that is bothering him? Only your husband can answer these questions. He may just need a little extra time to adjust to parenthood. You both are in a transition period and women adjust WAY faster than men do. It may be that you need to "baby" him a little bit or you may need to give him more time to "get with the program". You had only been married two months when you became pregnant. So, most of your marriage he's been with a wife whose hormones were insanely out of whack. Just because you gave birth doesn't mean they magically start behaving again. (I think I'm the Queen of Insanity these days)

Think about what you truly want. If you can still find the "it", then grab your husband on his next trip home and tell him how much you love him, tell him what you need from him. No hinting allowed: Men need the black & white, cut & dried version. Then see what happens.

As the child of parents who are divorced, I can tell you it's difficult living with one parent and visiting the other when time allows. If you can avoid that, then please try. But, as a wife and mother, I can also tell you the best way to take care of everyone else is to take care of yourself as well. I hope something here helps. If not, feel free to tell me to Take A Leap. (haha) I wish you well. H. G.

I hate to say it, but since he travels so much and you never have sex ... especially only being married 11 months ... do you think he's cheating? Do you think he might have a family elsewhere? You see it all the time & never think it could happen to you. I'm just putting it out there.

Do what's good for your child and you. Don't stay where you aren't happy and especially if you're not REALLY in a "marriage".

the best of luck to you

i think it may be time apart because my husbands int eh navy and i have a soon to be 3 yr old son and we're struggling through some stuff as well. just feels like he is emotionally detached alot of the time. have you tried counseling service at all? have you asked him why no sex and why he is so withdrawn?? i would start there and try to see a marriage counselor... i dont know if you attend a church but out church, wave church in vb, helpos run a couseling center called oasis i believe its off international pkwy but i could be wrong. my girlfriend and her hubby are goign there an dlove it!

Hi M. ~

I was reading your post and it sounds all too familiar actually to a "T" ( lol, I almost thought you were talking about my husband).... anyhow, I rode it out for 5 1/2 years and my husband and I are currently in the process of filing for divorce. I do love my husband and he has a lot of great attributes, but like you said, the differences in age (we're 6 years difference) and primarily the difference in our presence of being and living has finally found it's end point. His way of being "content" left me lonely, bored, sad, confused, possibly even nuts at one time trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, with us. Unfortunately my husband wasn't even willing to try therapy or anything creative to add spice or life to our relationship. Having kids makes the world of difference in trying to work that much harder to be a family...but at the same token being a happy and self fulfilled individual makes you that much more sucessful as a person and as a mother... Divorce doesn't mean a child needs to be without either parent, and yeah, sometimes it gets ugly, but it can also be amicable. Have you tried to talk to your husband and explain your feelings? Perhaps to come up with some creative techniques or changes to help y'all both work towards a better and more fulfilling relationship. Instict is very true in itself when we actually listen... if you weren't even sure to begin with...where is it all progressively leading...and resentment can be ugly... I know being a single mom isn't in the Cinderella story and can be such a disappointment but I think I'd much more rather be tagged with a "single mom" label and be happy, than become more miserable as time passes. Yeah, being married and raising children and working is a lot of work and isn't always peaches n' cream, but it how ya's get through it that matters and builds the castle full of happiness and love. Sometimes time makes it better, sometimes it makes it worse. I have to get going, but keep your chin up and know you're not alone : )

PS: If you need a listening ear or a friend my # is ###-###-####

Hi M., when my first son was very young my husband and I had difficulty getting along. The drastic change in our relationship and responsibility was hard to get used to. Every relationship is different, but after the first year things got alot better for us and the second time around has been a breeze (in comparison). Try to remember that his life has changed too and everyone handles these things differently. Open communication is the key to a good marriage. Best wishes.
T.

M.,
I understand your fustration. When our last son was born, he is now almost 19, my husband went to Germany for 6 months. He missed so much of him growing up, not to mention how much I missed my husband. But our relationship survived and I am so glad it did. I love my husband now of almost 27 years. Sure there have been ups and downs, but I do NOT think divorce is the answer. Unless maybe he abuses you, that is. I would try to find a support group with people with babies your sons age, maybe. It would, also, be nice for you to find a church maybe that you and your baby could feel comfortable with. I go to Calvary Chapel of the triad, It is a non demonational church in Kernersville, NC. If you are interested just check us out on the web, reachthetriad.com and check out "a morning at calvary chapel". Hang in there. I hope to see you some Sunday morning or Thursday night. I am usually in the 1 year old room and my best friend is in the infant room. This might be what you are looking for.

Hey M.,
first i always type in all caps so i'm not yelling.have you thought that maybe you might be going through post partum depression?i mean if you didn't feel this strongly about leaving before you had the baby then maybe that is an option?i know i thought the same thing when i first had my son.but i think it had alot to do with the fact that i didnt' want anyone else to be around to bother me and "my" baby!and now i'm so glad that i stuck it out.because my son and his daddy are the best of buds and i wouldn't take that bond from either of them for anything in the world.i have found that it was from my ppd. I don't know if that may be something that you may have or not but i know i had some really weird feelings when my son and then again when our daughter was born and i had to be medicated for it.but it really helped me!!good luck to you M..sincerely,T.

M.,
I have so wanted to divorce my husband so many times. We've been together since high school on and off and we have 3 beautiful children.
Marriage is very hard work, and communication is a must. We still have our issues, but once we remember to communicate things get a little bit better until the next time we stop communicating. If you can't speak face to face. Try writting a letter. Using the words " I feel" its less threatning than "YOU DON'T DO IT FOR ME ANYMORE!" :-)

Hang in there, make sure its not deppression. I would get the baby blues right at 8months of age with each child. It would take that long for me. Many prayers coming your way.