The Way My Mother Grandparents. Say Something or No?

I wouldn't ask her to watch them for you anymore. I might ask if something was bugging her because she seemed like she was in a foul mood, but other than that I would let it lie. I wouldn't want a sitter to behave that way towards my children, so just because she is family doesn't give her the right to treat them that way either. So sorry that happened. Maybe she will come around in time when she realizes nobody wants to be around her because of her actions.
HTH,
A.

I don't think that the issue is "she's just not a kid person." There's clearly more going on here.

Here's my opinion, because I've dealt with it myself with my own mother: She has NPD. Here's more info: http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics...

My lovely grandmother loved us so much she gave me cough medicine and locked me in a room so not to bother her. She locked my brother out on a three storie 2 by 2 portch. She was one nasty grandmother. She would pay us each fifty cents to leave her sight. Evil women. I would NEVER ask her again. She knows how she is and you know.

I wouldn't ask her again. And I wouldn't say anything.

You have your answer, even infrequently is too often for your mom.
Leave the ball in her court. Let your actions make a statement.

My MIL is like this. I will NEVER ask her to watch mine.
My mom would move heaven and earth to spend time with her grandkids.

Maybe, like the pain of childbirth, the reality of real, live, breathing children, fades with time?

You know better, now do better--get a sitter or ask you in-laws or other relative. What about your brother & SIL? Might work out better all the way around.

IF she mentions the lack of asking (she most likely won't) just remind her of what a bother they were the last time she watched them....

Your mother's behavior is passive-aggressive which I have a hunch is nothing new for her, right?

You said basically that she wasn't a good parent. And now your surprised that she's the same way with her grandkids? Just don't ask her to watch them anymore. Anything you say to her isn't going to change how she acts.

I would say nothing and think of it as a lesson learned. Her loss...

But, N....was it REALLY an "off day?" It sounds like she grand-parented that night, the way you described her parenting YOU. I highly doubt she had an off day. Isn't this just her, the way she is? (I'm not assuming, but asking.) If it were me? I would simply just not ask my mother to watch them. Think about how she treated you as a child. Was it any different then how she treated your children? Do you really want them around that? You didn't have a choice, because you were her child. You have a choice with your children. If you have to choice, wouldn't you want to limit the time your children are around negative, unhappy, mean people? I would. Just my opinion.

I wouldn't say a thing, and just not ask again. I don't think she will suddenly start asking to watch them.

clearly you know your mom very well. she lived down to your expectations, and now you're surprised?
i get being a little upset and hurt, but honestly, did you expect something different?
since she's always been this way, and you've always known it, what would saying something to her accomplish?
vent here, punch a pillow, drink a cup of tea, and next time hire a babysitter.
later, when you're feeling better, hug your mom. she is who she is.
khairete
S.

What should you do? Um, never ask your mom to watch your kids. Your kids are old enough to be watched by a teen in your neighborhood.

The only other thing that I can think of is your mom needs a physical. If her behavior is actually worse than it was, then she could be ill.

Okay, this just makes me super sad. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this and I just couldn't imagine my mom not being involved. Hugs!

I guess my advice would be to not say anything and just never ask her to watch them again. Honestly, I wonder if she has some sort of mental illness the way she approaches the children, but maybe she's just out of touch. It seems that saying something will only cause more strife and it will probably make you upset if she doesn't "get it", so I'd say don't even go there. Hopefully you have a babysitter that isn't too expensive and can still get out with your husband. Maybe you and your brother can switch off babysitting for each other! ;)

ETA...Kristin has an interesting perspective for sure. I would say this...I don't know if I'd leave her alone with the kids, but I do of course believe she should still be around the kids and join you for fun outings and different family functions. The kids should see her and have a relationship with her, but I don't know if it's worth the anxiety it will give you to leave them alone with her.

this is what i would do if it were me. i have a good enough relationship with my mother that i would tell her how it made me feel. and i would tell her i would never ask her to watch my kids again. but it all depends on your comfort level with your mom and how she thinks she will react to what you have to say. some daugthers dont have good enough relationships with their mom's and saying something could just cause more harm than good....
My mother is wonderful with my children, but my MIL... NO WAY!

As upsetting as it is, I think you need to just let it go and not ask her to watch your kids ever again. Some people just aren't good with kids, and it sounds like your mom is one of those people. Now that you and your siblings are adults, it's easier for her to relate to you and your relationship has grown into something both of you can appreciate. She had her kids, you're all grown now, so she's done. There are some grandparents that just don't want to do the whole 'kid' thing all over again. Once your kids are a little older she may appreciate them more and want to spend more time with them. Or not. Be the kind of mother to your kids that you wish she had been with you, and don't make a big deal out of her non-involvement. I hope she comes around, for your kids' sake.

If you really can't hold it in, you could tell her how it made you feel that she was so mean and rude to your kids. And just ask her to be honest with you. You may not like what she says, but you can't make her be a grandma to your kids if she's not built like that.

I'm really sorry that you have to be put in this situation. It sounds really crappy and I'm sending you hugs and strength to help put it behind you.

It sounds like your 8 yr old has this covered. "Grandma was grumpy as usual, but we had fun anyway." If that's how Grandma is, that's how Grandma is. What doesn't change is that she is still "Grandma". Some people are just not big fans of small children (their own OR their own grandkids), and like to play the part of a martyr ("oh, my life is sooo hard because I have to watch these kids"). Your mom is obviously one of them.

Honestly, I WOULD keep sending your kids to your mom's place. In fact, I'd do it more often. The more they're around her, the more they'll all get used to each other. Maybe they'll grow on her. Maybe not. But you'll never know unless you keep trying. And your kids seem like good, well-grounded kids. They recognize that their Grandma is a grumpy old lady. Sounds like they've already learned to work with that. Smart kids...

Nope, don't say anything - nothing to be gained from it. You just have to call a spade a spade. Your mom doesn't like little kids. I would never ask her to watch your kids again and instead use a sitter. Or switch off with your brother as a few other people suggested - that would probably work out really well since your kids are the same ages.

N.:

Unfortunately, you know the answer.

Don't say anything. You cannot change her. Period. She is NOT a child person. Don't expect anything from her. Don't ask her to help and don't ask her if she wants special time with her grandchildren.

Yes! It SUCKS! BIG TIME!!! But guess who's losing out? Your mom. She is missing out on a GREAT time with her grandchildren. That will be HER loss and there is NOTHING you can do to change her.

I couldn't imagine not wanting my grandchildren around (don't have any yet). but really. you have expectations that will NEVER be met by your mom. EVER. Your mom is NOT a "child" person. Hence the way she raised you and now the lack of relationship with her grandchildren.

DO NOT push it. Don't try and fix it or her. It will only cause resentment and bad feelings. She is stuck. She is losing out. She won't find out until it's too late. I'm REALLY sorry.

Yikes I hate your mom. Makes me like my mom and MIL more. Never ever have her watch them again.

My 2 cents?

Nothing.

She was an unhappy and overly critical mom, and is now an unhappy and overly critical grandmother.

That's not going to change / is very unsurprising.

I have an aunt like that. As kids she was a 'baby sitter of last resort'. When we went there, we just made it a game: we counted all her complaints and put them in categories:

1) Martyr
2) World is ending
3) YOU complaints
4) Yeesh! / combo of the above
5) Some poor fool (drivers, neighbors, etc who met her acid tongue for whatever reason)

I totally get this. My ex-in laws were exactly the same way. They just are not the loving grandparents we hoped our kids would have. In fact, our son was almost 3 months old before my FIL could even bother to come see him (they lived about 20 min from us) and our kids are their only grandkids. Luckily, my mom isn't like this so they have at least one "normal" grandparent.

I don't believe we ever said anything to them. I mean, its clear they don't want to be around the kids, so we just never asked them anymore. It ended up that the only time they saw them was for a bday party or major holiday. Now we have been divorced for 6 years and my ex literally lives 5 minutes from them, right down the road. They still only see them for the kids bdays, xmas and Tgiving. That's it. And we have accepted that and even moreso, the kids *understand* that's how their grandparents are.

So I know how horrible it is to have grandparents like this for your kids. The LAST thing I would do, like someone else suggested, is to send them to her even MORE. It won't help. I would just continue to invite her over for their bday parties and major holidays and that's it. If your brother is local, maybe you guys and be babysitting back-ups when you need one. Or you said you have a good babysitter for them, just continue to use her. Good luck.

Sounds like your mom might have depression, and probably has for a long time. I wouldn't leave the kids with her for any length of time. If there is a way you could encourage her to see a dr, I think it would be a good idea. Tell her you're worried about her.

Unfortunately, I think you will need to accept the fact that your mother, despite being a mother and a grandmother, is not much of a "kid person" - she sounds like she just finds kids in general to be overwhelming and she may never feel like she's up the task of managing them in a positive way.

But I would also consider that maybe your mother has been suffering from depression and/or anxiety all these years and maybe she needs to talk to her doctor or a therapist about how to be a happier and more relaxed person. Maybe you could talk to her about how she expects kids to behave and then remind her that kids are not little adults, because your kids were kinda hurt and upset by how their grandmother kept scolding them when she was there. However, she may never be the "warm motherly/grandmotherly type" that anyone would want her to be. The sooner you accept her for who she is, and have different expectations of her, hopefully the less disappointed you will be. I wonder what her relationship with her mother was like if this is how she has always been.

You can say something to her, but I guess it depends on how you think she will take it - do you really think she will have an "Aha! Lightbulb!" moment and be open to what you have to say and try to change for the better, or this is just the way she is, she'll never change, and you are better off not asking her to do anything with the kids one-on-one? I know it would be hard for me to bite my tongue and not say something along the lines of (when she complains and says something negative), "Yeah, they are kids. We were kids once too and that's how most kids are. Now lighten up." But that's me, and who knows how she would take it.

For the record, my MIL is one that I wouldn't want around my daughter all the time either. She's pleasant enough, just off her rocker most of the time.

She doesn't like kids! From what you said about your childhood and her behavior she doesn't like to be around young children. Her loss. You might lightly bring it up to her how she dislikes kids and if she has an attitude of " Yes I do!" point out a few things to her. If she starts getting all bent out of shape say its no big deal and quickly change the subject and if she keeps going back to it trying to start a fight quickly leave or get off the phone. Perhaps your brother "handles or deals" with her better or she responds to him better? Sometimes women respond to men in an authority way even subconsciously. I would suggest you not leave your kids with her again but hire a sitter. One you wont worry about your kids being scolded for being kids and the other your kids will have more fun with someone who wants them there. Sorry. I do know how you feel. Both sides are hard to get to and my inlaw father is only once ever used in an emergency sistuation. We rushed home too because he is mean and has no idea what he is doing. It is sad because our grandparents were so much fun. My folks live far off so its hard to have them watch the kids. Were usually all together. But neither of them buy lots of gifts (my mom buys garage sale toys, clothes but rarely buys new only for chirstmas or a birthday! ) Not like our friends who are telling there parents and inlaws to please stop buying toys and clothes and are annoyed. Shamefuly I am glad I am not alone in wanting my kids grandparents to love them the way a grandparent should. I have never said anything because I dont feel they will change anything.

Get a baby sitter or a close friend to watch them going forward. Your mom's attitude isn't one that you want rubbing off on your kids. You've made a significant investment in them, so why put yourself out like that. Love your mom, but some grandparents just are not the kind that you want around your kids consistently. It is what it is. You can still love your mom, but stop putting yourself through this emotional roller coaster when she is telling you exactly how she is. Everybody is not good with kids.

Saying something won't wake her up and change her. She's exactly the same as she was when you were a child.

I wouldn't leave your children with her ever again. Visits only and when you and your husband are there. She can't handle one one one time with children, and the children shouldn't be subjected to her. She's the grandmother they have, and the mother you have. She's not going to change, so what has to change are your expectations of her.

I'm sorry she's not a warm and fuzzy grandmother. I hope your MIL is a better deal.

My mom sometimes will complain about my youngest cause yes he is a hand full and sometimes will not listen the first time. But then she will keep my brothers girls and decide my son is not so bad. She will out right do what she wants no matter who tells her not to. And her parents let her get away with it. If my son does the stuff she does I get onto him. But I just think grandparents don't always remember what handfuls their kids were. I don't think that my son is half as bad as me and my brothers. But that's my opinion. Don't let it get to you sounds like this is just the way she is.

As others have said -- don't ask her to babysit anymore.

But don't keep her out of your life and your kids' lives either. Be sure they see and know her; just ensure it's not one-on-one, since clearly they overwhelm, exhaust, and maybe even scare her a bit -- as you note, she has not been around young kids for a long time. Do things with her, you and your kids that will have everyone occupied; she might feel she enjoys the children more if, instead of babysitting them in her own space, she is watching them enjoy playing at a park while she chats to you and drinks coffee (and yes, while you do all the duty work of keeping an eye on the kids). She might enjoy them more as people as they get older, too, and have activities she can attend -- a music recital, a dance recital, a school event -- where she comes, sees them perform or do something, congratulates them or goes out to lunch afterward and then can leave, rather than feeling she's got to have them in her own home. You may also find that she prefers their company more when they are simply older.

I'm not letting her off the hook for the carping comments and general negativity. But if you and she have forged a better relationship over the years, why jeopardize that by taking her to task now for her basic personality, which you already know is an issue and isn't going to change? Why not set her and your kids up for the best relationship possible (given her personality) by engineering the kinds of interactions that will work best for all of you? It means you don't have a babysitter, and it means you will have to do more work all the time to arrange this or that outing for all of you. But what's the alternative? She never sees them? That would be a mistake.

Please take it from someone who dearly wishes her own sometimes-negative but generally loving mom were still alive to see her grandchild -- focus on whatever is positive in your mom and accommodate her personality as best you can, while keeping control over the situations in which she sees your kids. Your kids clearly are smart and sensitive enough to know grandma's got that kind of personality. You can't hide it from them and shouldn't. But neither should you isolate them from her.

One other thing: At some point she may shock you by asking, "Why don't you ever ask me to babysit anymore?" I've known of grandparents who did just that -- after the mom and dad stopped asking for babysitting, the grandparent after a while would say, "Why aren't you asking?" It reveals that the grandparent, despite the complaints, valued that time with the kids more than the parents realized. I'm not saying to let her babysit! But do just be aware that it may come up,and know what you'll say to her. I'd leave it at, "We know you haven't been around young kids for a long time, and you said you find them noisy and too active, so we thought it might be more fun for you to interact with them at things like the school recital (fill in blank here with activity)."

Some people just don't like kids very much, and truthfully, should never have children. But fortunately for you and your kids, your mother had you, despite the fact that parenting/kids aren't her forte.

No, if she hardly ever watches them, then, no, don't bother to say anything. You won't change her. The only time I think you should say something is when she comes into YOUR home and criticizes, in which case you should tell her to be nice or leave.

I have one of those moms, so I know all about this. Amazingly, my kids are grown, but she's finally having a maternal experience with my baby nephew, for the first time in her life.

But if you ever really need her to watch your kids in the future, your kids will survive the experience.

I would maybe ask her to watch the kids for shorter periods of time and where it's a planned time where they take something to do or play and then she may not feel so overwhelmed. I had 8 children but as I get older I get less able to have chaos but can handle the organized play, etc. Maybe that would help her be able to handle it better. Maybe it's best to have them see her often for visits with you there and get to know her better and she get to know them better while you are still the one in charge of the kids.

My only thought is that you and brother should be switching off /sharing babysitting so that you can both have some time with spouses.

Since the kids are close in age, even if they are different genders, this will help them grow closer and have that familial connection throughout life.

What do you do? To me, it is quite simple to say that she will not ever watch your children again. I would personally have to say something to her about her crappy attitude. It is one thing to do something to me, but quite another to mess with my kids.